Me:

Stats: Male | 29 Years Old | No kids | 7 years relationship married since 2 | 182 Lbs (83kg) | SW: 231Lbs (105 Kg) Dec 2020 | 5.11" (181 Cm), BF TBD

Lifts: Bench 160 Lbs | Deadlifts 300 LBs | Overhead Press 130 LBs

Diet: 2000kcal

Read: them all.

RP 10 months

You can see my OYS on my profile. I'm stuck in a loop and need some reality check to figure this out. As I mentioned in my last OYS I'm trying to figure it out myself and I'll write it down how I read it, but wish to share it with the community for some feedback and brainstorming. I think I'm missing something and I didn't figure it out yet.

Background

Been working on myself and RP for the past 10 months. I changed a lot as a person, got additional responsability, changed my mindset and framework. I worked on myself physically losing 50 LBs and lifting daily, diet on point it is ages I don't cheat meal, worked on my income and career got promoted and started 2 side businesses, 1 being successful and 1 still growing but profitable.

I have a good relationship with my wife at this point both sexually and with daily things. We are aligned on my life vision and basic values. We are fully provided by me, i arrange interesting activities for both on a weekly basis and try my best to lead and keep every point of our life on a good line. I repair things at home, lead in public interactions.I probably lack a bit emotionally I have to say it and I might not be the most funny person in the world. Still wouldn't call myself a mess. I really made a lot of work these months and try to create funny moments for myself and other people weekly, my wife included.

What I want from my wife? Sex is already above the line I would like, she is initiating most of the times and sometimes even more often that I would like. I have pretty much a covert white card sexually to do anything I want, no boundaries, to be honest we don't even have a safe word other than "not now this" and it is rarely used. It was a hell of a change in these months. Still, something is not working out and it is the relationship stability part for her, which is making her more anxious and depressed. General RP advice could be to stay in my frame and don't care but this is something I can't really agree with. Leading means assuring the wellbeing of both for me and if my partner feels bad I have to understand the inner reason and find a solution if this is the person I want on my side. And I do.

Issue

My wife feels insecure about the relationship. She has seen me changing, she feels too much dread and her hamster is lost in the maze. No matter how much I tried to guide it, it is stuck and I can't get out of the loop.

Generally things will go well for her weeks but she is keeping a scoreboard in her brain on how I pass shit tests, on how I act, when I show confidence, when I'm assertive and when I set boundaries. She will say nothing in the moment but write it on her scoreboard, I don't even notice because it is just part of who I am now so I'm not internationally acting in a certain way, it is all auto pilot. Once the scoreboard is full generally on a 2-3 weeks mark she explodes. Same every single time, reporting one here for clarity so that maybe you could help me in reading what I didn't in the lines.

Dialogue

Wife: I feel bad Me: what happened? Wife: I don't know I feel bad. You changed, you changed too much this is not the person I married.

Now before you call it shit test, not is not. I would get the " I'm not joking I'm serious".

Me: I understand you might feel this way. I changed indeed, you know I think people just grow up at some point and who I was in my early 20s is not who I am now. I'm happy with the change I made and I think it is better for both as well other than for me. What's bugging you about this?

Wife: it is good for you, sure. You became a lot of better, more confident, more attractive, you seem to be popular. But I feel bad about it, you changed, you became too full of yourself, I don't feel safe. What about me? I sacrificed a lot for this relationship and I'm in a terrible position now. How can I blindly trust you?

Me: I understand you might be feeling this way. Listen, you know I choose you every morning I wake up, I'm happy to have you on my side. Did I ever cheat? Did I ever give you the feeling I would? Didn't I put the wellbeing of our family in all my choices? Don't we have a shared and agreed vision for our life? You know I love you and I think I gave you plenty of evidences that you can trust me. All my choices for this family have been done checking with you, your opinion has always been of high value to me and I always considered it and compromised around it when needed. You should trust me really, you know who I am.

Wife: I don't know you, you changed. Life is long how can I know? Look I'm at X age, I sacrificed my career and life for the relationship and what security I get? You have options now. Let's be honest, if something was to not work out in the future and we had to divorce or if you would cheat on me, you would be fine. You would even get a better life out of it probably. Me? What about me? I would be lost. I feel so unsafe, must be your fault.

Me: listen I understand you feel this way. You know financially I made some choices that protects you too, you know I never did anything wrong to you. Trust is important, I trust you and showed it why you can't do the same?

Now I know here I can do better but what the fuck I have to do..i never did anything wrong....

Wife: i don't know i feel unsafe. Remember that day that you did x/y/z ( could be setting a boundary, watching another girl or making a retarded joke)? Why you did it? You must be thinking something! You are like....trying to take power against me!

Me: so is a power issue?

Wife: i don't know but I feel unsafe. You are too much in a better position than me. You should do something to recalibrate the relationship. Now is too much in your favour.

Me: I'll think about it. Something more you wanna say?

Wife: i don't know. I just don't know..how we got here? I'm being weak..i hate being weak.

Me: that's ok if something is bugging you feel free to share it with me, you know I always have both wellbeing in my deepest care. Again, I never did anything to warrant this reaction from you but I'll think it out, give me sometime. I guess our life vision is shared between us, we spoke about it, you know what I like from you and what to do. Now I have X to do, we check later.

Do my stuff, night come, go to bed.

Wife: what do you think?

Me: I don't know yet, let me think about it a bit more. If you want a good reply you are not getting it in a day.

Wife: I'm sorry for that. I trust you I love you, we are good. It is just, we are becoming emotionally distant. You busy with your things, you grow up as a person, you are making good moneys and you are so set. Me? I feel so behind. Maybe I should focus on myself instead of the relationship. If it doesn't work out at least I would have options for myself too.

Me: what makes you think it wouldn't work out?

Wife: life is long, who knows..I'm afraid. You changed too much.

Finish

Proceed to go to sleep, good time again for 2-3 weeks rinse and repeat. Now if I have to analyze it I would say I'm failing in providing a frame for my wife to step in. I tried, I invited her to join my things, enjoy life with me etc. She is really reluctant, makes a step in and a step out. Generally what will happen is that she will try to assert dominance in the relationship for some days, fail miserably forcing me to up my shit test game and dread, then she get burned by it and throw the above.

I also think she genuinely feel I'm in a better spot and she is afraid i cut her out. It is true, I'm in a better spot and a divorce would play better for me than for her. Still, it is absolutely not my intention and I can't pass the message properly.

The above becomes bigger each round and she is getting more and more depressed. So it is something I need to figure out fast. I read jack posts about relationship phases I get it but I can't get her to step outside of her shell.

Open for discussion.