Let me tell about myself first. It might be long story, just for you to understand the situation better. I am tall, average or good looking and dressing guy compared to other people around. Playing guitar(learnt on my own, my family would complain about me at learning phase that I can't play it, so I better stop making noise), reading books, about history, philosophy and that shit. But since high school every time I had chance to shine around people and show my attraction, my best friends shit tested me really tough. Before that, I could give the message that I am in charge there just by talking to anyone. I even impressed some girls. But I did let my confidence and self-esteem go low.

So I became kinda nerd or educated person who doesn't really have attraction. Playing guitar? My friend tells or give the message like "pff, don't try to be different to get girls" or reading book, they just look at me in a weird way, like telling me, it is not the way. Well, sure. I wanna get girls like that because they know anything about Nietzsche or Led Zeppelin. I still get angry when I think about those shit test. Girls were fine with that, they wanted some guy to improve himself so they can have someone decent around. But friends..

Last year I dated someone online, got oneitis. She was alpha widow, pretty sure. She was much older than me.(I am 19) She was desperately looking for any guy who shows some alpha-traits. Cheated on his old boyfriend with me, then I had trust problems at some point and cheated on me as expected. I was so hurt and I simply hated her, looked down on her. But I had even lower self-esteem then, thought so much about suicide. She came to me then many times, I just fucked her and then blocked her everywhere. Again and again, this happened. And last time was when she had new boyfriend, cheated on him with me.

Now I live in another city, I have an apartment and my parents think I am studying but I don't. I have all my time to do anything. But I am going down because I literally don't talk to anyone. In a month, I will start gym. Still playing guitar. But I still feel that even walking in the streets is not in my comfort zone. I struggle.

My question is what will I do.. Everyday its getting worse and worse. I have less confidence every fucking day. I masturbate a lot and smoking because I need to feel a bit better. Instead of wasting my time more and struggling, I felt maybe its a good idea to some get feedback. Talking with people outside? Sure, but where? I don't have common place with them, I don't have confidence, so I guess it would be so creepy.

English is not my native language, so don't complain about it.