-developer severe substance abuse problem

  • began to rely on one one of the girls I was seeing to make me feel better (was the most attractive of the bunch and the one I saw the most so I guess that’s why my demented brain choose her)
  • was an extreme beta about a lot of stuff was out of my mind, was also treating her like shitbut she stuck around for a long time
  • eventually she stops seeing me when I become too much
  • I continue down my self destructive path

-got sober a few months ago

  • life has been great, getting better everyday
  • a little while ago met up with the girl to apologize for treating her like shit, making amends

Here’s where my questions come in. I’m in a much better mindset than I was back then. Different person entirely now that I’m sober. I didn’t really want her in my life just because that was a chapter that was closed. But what I did want was to leave a better image of me in her mind than the piece of shit drunk, druggie beta that she left me as.so I tried to refoster a friendship, so she could see the better me. It wasn’t gonna work out you could just tell that even if “she was proud of me” and "could tell I changed so much” she didn’t respect me anymore. I also for my part could tell my brain hadn’t fully been rewired to the point that once we started talking it was like my drug induced oneitis was lurking in the back of my head, just was actually able to see it for what it was now that I’m sober.

So we were gonna just take it slow but I decided I don’t need that in my life so I’m just not planning on contacting her again. The issue I have is I’m paranoid that she will just you know tell stories to her friends (at a uni), her friends will tell stories and on and on. I feel like my rep is being dragged thru the mud. Deserving based on past behavior, but frustrating.

I’m a pussy yea I know blah blah, but what’s the deal with girls would they believe more what they hear from other girls, or if I’m this new better guy who they meet does that interaction trump what they have heard