About 7 months ago, I was in a very bad place. I had cultivated an awesome LTR with full control. I also had plates on easy mode but my life was in shambles financially and academically. My only choice at the time was to go into monk mode to salvage my life. A bunch of people and my LTR tried reaching out to me but I just blocked them. Spent the summer working, watching porn, hating myself, and playing video games. I had no interest in socializing. I was broke and depressed. Anyhow, I'm leaving the country for a new start, but I want to end this chapter first.

The reason is that I still feel like an incredible asshole for just blocking everyone and doing my own thing. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I've moved on from my plates and friends, they were always disposable But I still have dreams about my LTR crying and begging and it's really been fucking me up. Towards the end, I was killing her with nuclear level dread game. We're talking late night calls, lots of crying, panic attacks.. the whole shebang. I decided to just let her go for her own good. I was busy working overtime and I didn't want to show any weakness. She probably suspected I was cheating on her. I don't think she was surprised.

I made the mistakes and she paid for them. I went from making her into an awesome person to just leaving her out to dry on her own. I feel like I backed over my own kid in the driveway. She's contacted me twice asking to hang out over the summer, but I just ignored her. I'm gone. But maybe bottling up my emotions wasn't such a good idea.

I'm debating replying, seeing what's up, and telling her that I'm leaving for a new adventure. We both get closure and never see each other again. I know she'll want to keep in touch and stay friends and all that gay shit but I'll be off the grid for most part. I hope she hasn't backslided into her depression and cynicism, heck maybe even found a new guy.

And if you guys recommend against replying, what the hell do I do with my emotions? I can't just ignore them hope they'll go away. I can bang a bunch of chicks and find a new LTR, but none of that puts a definite end to things.

Thoughts?

edit: realizied she was shit and I wasn't shit. just mad I couldn't fuck her one last time. Now she's on tinder with a shaved head, tricking herself out lmao