Right now, my SMV is extremely low. As a skinny (5'10" and 125 pounds), racially mixed (Latino, Native American and white), innocent-looking guy, girls never even look in my general direction while I'm in public; even when they do, they immediately look away.

I have never really had any positive experiences with any women in my life (20 years old). Getting cheated on for being too skinny to even my own mother and older sister punishing me for getting bullied then telling me to "be nice and respect them" afterwards really damages you in the head. Everywhere I go, I relive past rejections and ridicule in my head and can't think straight or perform tasks as easily.

When I see women in public, rather than wanting to approach/have sex with them, I enter a downward spiral of hopelessness, hate and depression. I want to be the best I can be, but the thing that now gets me off about being attractive isn't the sexual/physical relation, but rather my controlling of the woman and the increased respect from society; basically, having an arm trophy. I'm not trying to garner sympathy, just needed to rant/vent a little bit...

How to deal with this negative energy while improving?