Last night I attempted suicide. I’m stable enough right now to seek guidance hopefully from some more experienced guys who may or may not be able to relate, to my situation not what I did. I did it over certain events in my life. The worst being that through my own thoughts, behaviors, practices, and actions I ran off my LTR a little while back. I did that by being paranoid, insecure, jealous, possessive, and a bunch of other things that got me labeled rightfully so as weird and creepy in the end. The reason I attempted was because in my mind I thought I was a completely different person, a good guy (good NOT nice) who had it together at least a tiny bit. Unfortunately I realized after 10 years of self improvement and years under TRP, I’m still a needy, sad, lonely child with a scarcity mindset that wants a mommy to powder his ass to make up for when it wasn’t by his own. I’ve failed in trying to become a man on my own, in trying to be someone of value that could attract friends and women and keep them around. Also, I’ve now become the type of guy that is labeled as a creep and gets blocked and mentally it’s kind of hard to come back from thinking of yourself as that guy. I’ve ran into maybe one other woman I ever thought I could actually trust to do kids and a family with and just like now I ran her off as well. It’s hard to come to grips with this type of thing knowing how little shots you get at something like that. Also knowing that due to my natural behavior it’s something I did and will keep on doing to screw myself.

I don’t want to be back in this position or feeling like this ever again so I guess I’m here asking for advice on what to do next. On how I can, and I’m not sure how else to put this so I’ll be blunt, not be like that anymore. Not be some pussy with his arms extended wide, waiting on a love that doesn’t exist outside of his head that constantly fucks his life/relationships up as a result of that. As far as background goes I have a job but was thinking of getting a second one, I’m trying to get back into producing and learn bass, and I am actively out there trying to meet someone new if that’s even a good idea. I’ve had dates/sex since my LTR left but nothing I’d really call successful. Thanks for reading and any advice given.