I come from a troubled background. Constant bullying in middle school, that was the worst. Some of it happened in high school, but to a much lesser extent than before.

Up to this day, I've bettered myself in every way possible. Easily in the best physical shape of my life(lowered fat and got buffer), got a good paying job at a prestigious company, honed some of my skills and generally got ballsier. The scared little kid that never fights back turned out quite well over the years, BUT:

I still have this bouts of beta behaviour, especially when within my social circle. I've been put down verbally (insulted). Normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass, but I did. Mainly because it ruins my "reputation", or the view of others on me. I didn't say anything back. I get a bit upset about this. Some of them brag on different stuff, I never do. I almost never did, it's just my way. I sometimes underestimate me.

Another thing. I know scarcity creates value. But I keep going out to the same place every weekend. Mainly because that's my favorite place, and that's where friends and some ''friends'' gather. I have nowhere else to go out to have fun. Small town, very few options to go out. I wouldn't go somewhere by myself where I don't know anybody.

One of them attacked me some time ago on my most sensitive issue yet, which is the most devastating, when done in front of others. I was never seen with a woman. The truth is, I was and still am complete shit with women. I had a plate last year but didn't really feel the need to tell anyone about it, so nobody knew. I didn't bring her or mix her with my social circle. Occasional hookups also happened along the way, and a few ONSs. But no one saw me, so I have no proof. And that is bad for me towards other women that go there. I'm not seen with any other women, why the hell would those girls ''try''/want something to do with me? Indirectly means I'm shit. Just like the job paradox: Need experience to get job/Get job to gain experience.

Even though I vastly improved on myself in pretty much all the areas, and it shows, nobody comments. Smallest minor fuck up, everybody loses their mind over it.