Help!

I've been frequenting TRP for quite some time and finally decided to post. Sorry for the rant.

My daughters mother and I were in an LTR for close to 5 years. We have a 3 year old that I absolutely adore and love. Over the course of those 5 years, I've been a miserable wreck. I'm a recovering alcoholic that received two DUI's while her and I were together. When our daughter was born, I somewhat got my act together for her sake. I would drink every now and then, sometimes getting drunk. I used better judgement and took Uber when I knew I'd be drinking.

Even through all of this, my daughters mom chose to stay with me. The real strain on the relationship came when our daughter was born. Both of us coming from extremely conservative Christian backgrounds and my father being a high ranking official in his particular sect, marriage was the expectation after having a child out of wedlock. At the time, her and I were 'shacking' (living together outside of the confines of marriage) which is also a big no-no in the evangelical Christian world and is generally frowned upon on this forum.

At the age of 27, I do not consider myself religious and certainly don't subscribe to my parents brand of evangelical Christianity. I've become jaded and even somewhat bitter at the shear hypocrisy that I've witnessed over the course of my lifetime in the church. Up until recently I was a musician in the church and chose only to participate to appease my parents and avoid being ostracized. Most of my familial ties are rooted in the church. I've left and cut ties with most of the members, and rarely spoken to my father.

My daughters mother, who was involved in the church, began to put immense pressure on me to marry her, and I began to resent her for it. I stuck to my guns and refused marriage. Deep down I knew she wasn't a person I wanted to settle down with given her history. She came from a long line of divorced women and single mothers. Her great-grandmother, grandmother, and mother were all divorced and 'empowered' women. She also had an extensive sexual history, abortion, was physically abusive at times, and other questionable shit that she made me aware of at the beginning of our relationship that I chose to ignore. I was enamored by her beauty figured I could 'save' her.

When I first found out she was pregnant, she was living in a town a few hours from mine. She was kicked out of her home by her mother and decided to move to my city so that I could help raise our daughter (yes the child is mine). When she moved to my city, I was dealing with the ramifications of my second DUI and was unable to be there for her emotionally during the pregnancy. I was scrambling to keep up with a job (minus a car), probation, house arrest, and assisting with her bills.

Our daughter comes and she's expecting us to be this wonderful happy family, but deep down I knew I couldn't marry her. It wasn't right in my gut. So I continued on living with her unmarried so I could be a presence in the home for my daughter. I eventually became so resentful of her that I began cheating on her. I cheated with all kinds of women; pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, you name it. I even began sleeping with hookers. I'm not certain whether she cheated or not, If she did she was very discrete and I was too out-to- lunch to even notice. I'll safely assume she probably did. Our relationship went south and she became physically abusive towards me and occasionally I would lose it and hit back. I was the beta-bitch provider she wanted and she lost respect for me. I was making shit money and paying all of the bills while she would work as little as possible.

I became depressed over the course of relationship and began drinking again. I totaled one of her cars in a suicide attempt. I felt bad and gave her a down payment to put on a brand new vehicle and even that wasn't enough for her, in spite of me paying all of her bills.

Last month I chose to end our relationship and moved back home with my parents. Yesterday, I watched my daughter and her mother drive off to move back to her hometown. I drafted a contract outlining my visitation, financial support, and contact with our daughter. We both signed and had it notarized at the bank before she left. She was adamant about me not being on child support.

I saw her true colors yesterday while she was preparing to leave. I had told her initially that I would give her the security deposit to our apartment and would pay her car note once she moved. I came to my senses and decided that I would be keeping the deposit to restart my life financially and I would not be paying her car not since we are no longer a couple. She flips on me and tells my father that I'm an abusive drunk and I'm a threat to my daughter. Mind you, I've never put our daughter in harms way. Then, as we're writing up our contract in Starbucks, we have a disagreement and I raise my voice slightly to make a point and she yells out, "Don't yell at me, I feel very unsafe. What are you gonna do, hit me? I'll have you locked up." I finally get her to calm down and I lower my tone of voice. It was alarming because I'm a black male and we were in an upscale suburban area and her doing that alerted others in the Starbucks.

I'm so sorry for the rant and if I seem all over the place. My grammar, spelling, and punctuation are probably abysmal. I'm in a bad headspace right now. I moved from my parents house to an apartment my brother is renting but is not currently occupying to clear my head. My father and I had a falling out last week and I lashed out at him over the phone. To keep the peace I felt it best to move out of their home for a while until I can get my own place. I don't really have any men of substance that I can talk to personally that can give me sound advice on how to navigate this situation. I'm trying to apply these principles and maintain a positive disposition, but I'm in a bad headspace. If anyone can sift through and read this, I'd appreciate. I need a friend, even if it is virtual.