24 M here, soon to be 25 (no native speaker, so minor grammar mistakes will be due to that), concerning a place to vent because of certain frustrations. I assume, that this will be a very long and convoluted and possibly offence story, but I’d like to note, that I don’t want to insult anyone, nor do I wish to generalize the female sex in any pejorative way. Basically in ‘pill’-terms, I’m emotionally “black-pilled”, I suppose, meaning, that I pretty much gave up on women without ever having started. I’m not trying to embrace these kinds of feelings, but I seem to be always falling back on them, no matter what I do. The more I learn about female nature, the less I seem to bother, the more I feel, I’ve been sold an outrageous falls bill of goods. Women are just interested in your resources, you just have to push certain social buttons on them, ‘love’ is just a hyperbolic and over-idealized stigma, you fail one to many times, she’s gone with a better off man etc, they always want the bigger, better deal and if they can get it, they’re done with you.

What deeply traumatized and disturbed me is the way, how many women semmingly think regarding their partner as merely some sort of ‘hygienic’ good, as some sort of mandatory variable, than can be compared and replaced with others, from which talking points like: “He was my last resort” originate from. I’m usually very down to earth, when it comes to morally-free thinking, regarding evolutionary based explanations etc., and I know, that many female behaviors, which can be considered cruel, root in pre-civilized conditions in which they were mandatory, yet that doesn’t help my case very much. It really surprises me, how much my thinking is morally-based in this, because it usually is not. It sometimes has gotten to a point, where I would see women as inherently amoral, lizard-brained social calculators, instead of people.

On the worst of days (But they are fortunately few), the mere sight of a women would just enrage me, because all I could see was a personification and embodiment of my own failed hopes and social deception. But I have to make on thing clear, I always nip these feeling in the bud, because I’m aware, that they only lead to a life of misery and resentfulness and that they are pathetic, I’m not at all interested in joining some various misogynistic circle-jerk forums, where disenfranchised men constantly reinforce their frenzied resent for women and, frankly, I don’t respect men, who actually do this, but my situation leaves me sort of paralyzed.

I’m still a virgin and never had any sort of romantic relationship. I feel like something, I was really looking forward to, was severely corrupted, before I even dipped my toe in it. I come from a socially awkward family of loners and, to be quite honest with you, dead beats and losers, so social ineptitude was sort of inherited. I never met my father, so I was predominantly socialized by females, which creates its own fair share of problems for men in the social interaction with women.

I think one of the worst experiences of my life, from which I’m still suffering, was meeting a girl named Alice. I knew her from one now rather distanced friend and we kind of bonded after we’ve met again. Alice has BPD and, as I had to find out, a long history in becoming all cushy and emotionally intimate with her male friends, who then usually severely fell for her, which she never reciprocated. For example, she would cuddle with her guy friends, she would sleep in the same bed with them, without anything sexual happening and would overall be highly affectionate. What I considered to be quite progressive at first, turned out, at least in my view, as a fucked up notion of intimacy. The one friend, from which I know her from, also fell for her and was devasted for a good year, so I should have known better, but you always think in these kind of scenarios, that you will be the ‘one’. She was just a good friend for a long while, but at some point, I of course had to fell for her.

Due to my absolute loneliness, I surely had the inclination to over-value any sort of relationship I could gather. The worst period of my life started after she got a boyfriend. I’ve been the paradigm ‘I will always be there for you guy’, which all of you ladies probably had your fair share of and my fellow men will probably and rightfully so cringe along with me about their similar past. I was the ‘Always giving sophisticated dating and life advice, while actually being the one, who never got a romantic relationship for himself’-kind of guy. And I continued to do so, even after she got together with her (presumably) now-boyfriend, which was the most emasculating experience of my life. There were severe tensions between us, she knew about my feelings and wanted to stay friends. She was sure, that we can ‘get through this’ and stay the affectionate, good friends we were, because I was really important to her. I even made her a tone of gifts on Christmas (I spent over 100 dollars) and she told me, that these were the most personal and touching presents, she ever received. I beta-orbited the ever living shit out of her. I absolutely hate her for that now. I would be sitting alone on every single weekend in my tiny, one room flat, contemplating, that the woman, who I loved crazily, was right in this minute probably blowing off another dude or getting fucked by him for two years. I think my whole perception of self eroded slowly, but surely in that time. I wish on no man to give the women, he loves, dating advice for a relationship with another man. I was desperate at that time.

I know, that there was a man, who slit his wrists, after she turned him down, but stayed friends with him, she referred to him as her ‘irish’ (He survived). I know of a man, that she had to ghost, because he wanted more of her. I bet there were even more. Yet she wasn’t a terrible person, she was very down to earth, very passionate and affectionate, real. Yet, as nearly all mentally ill people, she always put herself first and unwillingly butchered everyone in her pathway. If I would have had any inclination towards suicide, I would have gone through with it. I was down, as I’ve never been down in my life. I couldn’t even count the times, in which I completely broke down because of her. At some point I just broke off every contact, not without writing her the most ill-willed message, I probably ever sent to anyone. I don’t want to repeat anything, I’ve said in it. The most disturbing part of it is, that I don’t regret the message, I regret, not taking more time in composing it, so I could have wrote her even more hurting things, with which I later surprised my shower bottles with. So, yeah, I’m pretty much still hurting. This was a year and a half ago.

But I came a long way now, I can be charismatic, I can be very masculine, but for the life of me, I can’t do any of that, if no sort of social frame has already been fabricated with a person, if there is no save space already. I’m eating healthy, I’m working out frequently and therefor I’ve turned into a very handsome man. I’ve been complimented on my looks by strangers, many women give me interested looks on a daily basis, someone even told me, I look like male model, yet I never act on it. I still feel like the emasculated loser, that was so utterly humiliated by this girl. I was thinking about hiring an escort to get the V card out of the way, but Covid is a problem in that. Hiring an escort also isn’t that easy. I live in a small, one room flat (16 square meters), sleeping on a mattress on the floor, studying a mayor, that won’t open a big range of financial opportunities for me, but this mayor involves my personal ‘mountain top’ in life, therefor it is a sacrifice, I’m willing to take, but of course I’m self-conscious about it.

Advice is appreciated.