Wassup my bitch ass goats

I hope some of you can relate to the mental barriers I'm trying to overcome and give me your thoughts on it.

One of my favourite posts here is from a couple years back. It talks about truly accepting yourself despite of your circumstance. That you and everyone else don't really matter as long as your okay with yourself. I really like this mindset. It's taken me about 4 years since the start of my trp journey to only just start to understand and internalize it.

However, in terms of self improvement, I've read that you need to feel disgust for your former self. Disgust for all the self destructive habits you manifest. That way you can truly start developing yourself.

How do you accept and feel disgust for yourself at the same time?

I've tried thinking of it as accepting that you possess bad habits and are somewhat a shitty person who's trying to improve. But how do you accept yourself on these terms? I can see how it's done, but having a hard time embodying it.

I want to accept myself but don't know how. I thought I did. For example, I've been living life doing shit for my own amusement. Though I realize a lot of the time I'm just being a pretentious bum. As in, I do shit for self amusement so that I can appear as someone who does shit for self amusement and not because I truly want to.

Why do I give a fuck about this? Because it's important for me to be authentic to myself. But trying to adopt this mindset has been a root to some of my anxieties.

Perhaps the reason I can't come to terms with myself is due to underlying subconscious self-hate hence the self destructive habits(no idea where to even start with that). It's like some kind of invisble barrier. I know it's there but dont know how to deal with it.

But even where I'm at now, after developing myself over the years, these thoughts still nag me.

Tr;Dr - Dont know how to accept myself. Trying to adopt this mindset has been a root to some anxiety

Thoughts appreciated, thanks.

Format is a mess, plz forgive me