I recently went throug a break up, because the relationship was toxic and taking toll on both of our mental health, and I knew something was very wrong with whole dynamic and if nothing was done nothing would get better, so I gathered my strength and ended things, even tho it was one of the hardest things I had to do, ever. It is worth mentioning that she is quiet BPD. By the end of relationship I felt very hurt and I regressed mentally alot. I thought it was due to depression and my self esteem being low.

I though shit will be fine after break up and that I will go through it like everyone, cry my eyes out in private, become sad then angry then sad again and keep grinding until everything is back to normal.

But immediately I began to notice something is off, severe manic episodes followed by intense anxiety attacks and psychosomatic symptoms. Constant mood swings and belief systems changing with those moods.

I did research and found out that apparently I have high functioning BPD and have inner child trauma and regression coping mechanism. This made holding frame, sticking to any belief or principle system virtually impossible, and when I approach everything rationally I just have no feeling or concept of appropriate reaction, it is like I become observer and disassociate from situation.

What is your advice for future? I am seeking treatment through therapy, trying to heal the inner child and get him rid of the trauma, I work out and have good body, try to take care of myself despite mood swings and try to stay productive. But it is so hard to constantly fight yourself, the impulses, the emotions and think about ex in the meantime. I never had these many suicidal thoughts, but now it is like everyday, every couple of hours.

I really need some advice as my family is clueless to all of this and my father is borderline himself (probably why my condition is exacerbated).