This might turn out long, and deeper than necessary but I’m a long time RP reader and I have to say it’s changed my life for the better but I still can’t put it all together.

Let me preface this by saying thank TRP for giving me the awareness of my own life, other’s lives, and everything in between by allowing me to take back some control. This shit probably has saved my life for the past 3 years or so, but I still haven’t got the results I desire. It get’s graphic from here on out, so fair warning.

My BPD mother committed suicide by shooting herself at home a few months ago and I’ve felt very fucked up by that. This year I seemed to have put a lot of the pieces together I need to be successful, but life threw me a hell of a curveball. TRP has given me awareness, ability to maximize my looks, conquer my fears, and become smarter by tuning into the awareness it has given me to see facade in everything. It’s given me confidence to run my now inherited business, confidence in working my second job in a highly social and high value environment, and building a good body. So after this has happened I have been thrust into a rather painful and hard to relate to position. TRP was working, but I still wasn’t able to pull women very well or develop attraction that I’ve been able to routinely capitalize on.

Now I feel like I know more people than ever, but I don’t really have important personal relationships between men, women, acquaintances, and whomever. I’ve always felt like the black sheep in a group who’s out of place and misunderstood and this is due to the conditioning and mental trauma of a BPD mother. My father was also beta AF, so I had to learn everything myself, ending up on a site like this. I have close friends, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like they don’t really value me. Now I have to provide value as well, I understand that. However I lack the ability to really become close to people.

I’m sick of having a lack of attention from women, i’m sick of being alone on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m sick of feeling alone even when I’m not alone on weekends. I run a business that’s lucrative, I workout hard and am dedicated to building a masculine body, I am in a social environment where I can network and meet people easily, yet I feel so alone. After my mom’s suicide I had a ton of people reach out to me saying if I needed help I could ask them, but I never did or wanted to because I understand I gotta keep that shit inside and no one wants to hear it. I tried going to a male therapist but I got sick of just hearing “damn that sucks” but in a nicer way. I’ve read Meditations to become stoic.

My question is I don’t know where to go right now except build my business and keep working on myself, but my misery in my head is holding me back. I work hard as a MFer and keep busy. I don’t have the most interesting hobbies due to being somewhat exhausted, except guitar. I don’t know how to develop relationships. My dating life is a fucking joke and I wouldn’t say I’m ugly, but not Chad. I mostly come off very reserved to people and I don’t know how to open up and have fun anymore at this time and get out of my head, help.