I'm going to put it all out here, because this is an anonymous forum. I have a pretty psychotic personality. I think it comes from deep repression. I have very low self esteem. When I lose to my emotions and become engulfed in depression I sometimes have thoughts of psychotic rage directed at myself or others. If the particular thought is about rejection from a woman, I sometimes think about punching her in the face. When I think about facing a rejection from someone in my family I have a common thought of smashing their heads with baseball bats. I had a tendency to gravitate towards weapons for defense as a kid, I was beaten as early as two years old and I think that visceral need to defend myself has always been a reaction of mine to violence.

I'm afraid I will act out these emotions one day. I get intensely angry by myself and it's almost an unbearable sensation. I know this is a serious issue. I have tried therapy for years now. I have been in a psychiatric institution for a few days. An outpatient facility for a few weeks. You know as well as I do that they are not going to help me. I think I just wanted an outlet somewhere that I could be real about it. I know no one is going to help me out of this but myself. If you have any thoughts of how to overcome this let me know.