WARNING: Long post. TL;DR at the bottom.

This is a tough one for me. Part of my own internal struggles, and I need to throw this out there for some external feedback. I've been musing on this shit for the past few months. Sorry for the essay. Without further ado:

I feel like EVERYONE WANTS MY ATTENTION. All the time.

At home, in the workplace, at the coffeeshop, etc. I'm a good looking guy, and I'm in a bit of a monk mode. Building my career and ignoring the girls, except for sister and a few people I work with/for in my businesses.

#1:I think my main issue stems from my Roomate. He's very effeminate & emotional. Cries at least 1x per day about his daughter, girlfriend, etc. He never leaves the house and if we're alone in the house working on our computers he's an absolute nutcase. I like to quietly focus on my shit. He's making stupid noises, coughing, going to the bathroom (across the hall from my room) 5x per hour, coming into my room and starting pointless conversations, etc. Whenever I use the bathroom, cook or simply enter the house, he's hanging around just outside whatever door, in the hopes I give him crumbs of attention on my way in or out. Me? I'm just trying to finish fucking projects, eat healthy, and have peace & quiet. If I saw you a few hours ago, no need for us to catch up about our day. If you spent this morning trying to get at me, I don't want to hang out with you in the afternoon.

#2:On top of my roommate's issues, his baby mama is around the house whenever he's not. She's him x10 and will do the same thing; ambush me at every corner of the house, even going as far as locking all the doors, then intercepting me as I'm unlocking the front door. She likes to tell me all the newest awesome things she's doing to fix her disgusting life (she's an EDM club-rat, lots of drugs). She's been in love with me for a while. Never said it outright, but all the signs are there. Her and my Roomate are no longer together other than bringing up their daughter. I will never fuck. She could be an 8 but she's like a 5.5 because of her lifestyle & habits. Also, I have a moral code not to fuck with friends' girls. Couldn't care less if she dropped out of my life. She also used to camp out at the house for 5 days at a time while my Roomate was on vacation. She brought a friend who is much the same as her. Could be hot, but disgusting habits have made her grimy. Same thing. Cough, cough cough. Talk loudly outside my bedroom door, bathroom 5x per hour.

#3:On the bus or at the coffeeshop People will sit as close to me as possible. Despite all the other empty seats. I have big headphones, and I'm either reading, meditating, writing notes or working on my laptop. Why then, with my "leave me the fuck alone" demeanour, do people insist on sitting nearby, watching me work, and trying to make eye-contact or start a conversation? I have headphones on. I'm working. Leave me alone??? The countless hair flips, and standing in front of me with her phone out like a ditz, waiting for me to acknowledge their existence... it tires me. Even walking down the street becomes an annoyance. Guys & girls that want positive attention will stare or almost walk in to me on purpose to try and get a reaction. I just sidestep. Then there's these wigger/machinegunkelly types that are angry about god knows what, they throw some extra swagger into their lame-ass crip-walk & stare me down as I pass by. These dudes get ignored. Sometimes I'll glare at them, then raise my eyebrows if they don't look away. Kind of a sarcastic, joking "what are you looking at me for?" expression. I dunno why, but that look gets a smile from a lot of people when they get that reaction from me.

Don't get me started about black dudes. There's some weird shit up here in small-city Canada when a black dude sees another. I feel like it's a genetic thing that's been passed down through generations. There's like a measuring of the other guy that happens. It's like, "how far has this slave come since we've been set free? Is he doing well for himself? Good. Is he aggressive and trying to one-up me? Fuck that nigga". If you play any sort of pickup basketball, you've felt the exact same phenomenon just before the pickup games start. I'm almost always the best player on the ball court (again, not a brag. I've practiced meticulously since I was young) and the annoying shit these guys do to one-up me when I'm doing one-handed form shooting or warming up? Ridiculous.

#4:At work. A lot of beta computer programmers and some decent looking chicks. It's an entrepreneurial "Hive" where you rent desk/office space and run your business. Jesus Christ, after all the bullshit throughout the rest of the day, I'll be here trying to work and guys are peering at me through the little window in the door (there's one guy that I swear is gay; he stands directly in that little window and talks and laughs loudly, all the while looking at me). Anytime I walk past their cubicles to take a piss or go to the kitchen, someone gets up and will be right behind me on my way to piss or eat/get coffee. EVERY time. I just ignore the person and do what I'm doing.

Everyone's all jittery around me and wants me to acknowledge them. Yet they don't have the balls to make a move themselves, other than all this passive-aggressive shit. I don't like inauthenticity in words or action ---> You got something to say, you want me to acknowledge your existence, then PROVIDE value. I'm not that much of a dick. I'll say "hi" and "good morning" and stuff, but if you want small talk I'm not really your guy. You want me to start a conversation with you? Not unless you're cool. Cool to me is "doing my own thing, not being loud & attention seeking, I have cool hobbies/interests". If you're following me around like a puppy and doing weird things to get in my way and get noticed, I don't want anything to do with you. This goes is girls & guys. The blue pill is strong. A lot of guys act feminine in their attention-seeking behaviour.

I'm pretty charismatic and almost everyone I "let in" likes me. I like most people once I get to know them, because I'm a Godly person who believes in loving other Humans despite their shortcomings. It's always been like that since I was a kid. Not a brag.

But with limited time, lots of money on the table, and a never-ending to do list, I don't have time to give people attention and be my charismatic self. Programming, web & graphic design, or video editing require me to be left alone so I can focus. And it pisses me off when people are trying to "steal" me away from the pursuit of my missions.

Obviously, I have some issues. Noted below:

A. Due to my upbringing. I was neglected & abused between age 0 and 4. Then I was adopted by a loving family. But I was a (light-skinned) black kid in a white world, and I feel like I still have some subconscious anger about the way certain things went down ---> I wondered at times if my mother adopted me for labour at the farm; I wondered if she/my dad/peers/teachers were racist at times; I lived far from from friends & my mother was a helicopter parent; felt "different" than everyone and was a tier below the most popular guys in the class. (at the time I was a class clown and attention seeker--ironic, considering my tone in this post. This does have meaning though. I know all the underhanded annoying ass tactics I used to use. I think I get subconsciously pissed when I see that others haven't grown out of that behaviour. I consciously made the decision to cut it out, years ago).

B. Had a very BP relationship in first year of University. I turned RedPill halfway through, and dumped that bitch. Haven't been in an LTR since. I'm not angry at her or anything, but my behaviour at times was disgraceful. A lot of this was because I had been a dick in previous relationships and wanted to "do it right this time". I've fucked a fair # of girls since, but the kill count is still relatively low because I don't really look to girls to make me happy.

C. I'm a lone wolf I guess? I have friends that want to hang out all the time and are texting me asking what I'm up to tonight or this weekend. I'm almost always turning my dudes down because I don't get a single minute to myself other than when I'm working on the computer (in a secluded location, at an obscure time) or training my skills for basketball. I can get loose & have fun, though I'm finding it harder the older I get.

Here are the steps I'm taking to change my situation:

  1. Stay out of the house 6am - 3pm, at least. Grab a bite to eat after work, then I work on my laptop at a park before playing basketball and working on my skills. Come home to eat, shower and watch playoffs -- this is my film study.

  2. Productive work hours & more sleep. I was KILLING myself this winter with sleep deprivation & a bit of malnutrition, etc. I'm taking excellent care of my mind & body now.

  3. Being positive. I'm MOST charistmac and energetic when I'm happy & fulfilled at my progress in all missions, have been left alone for a few hours.

  4. I'm fucking moving. I need a bachelor apartment before the end of June. It's sad because my Roomate was at one point one of my better friends, but his emotional bullshit has driven us further apart. We still hang and stuff once in a while, but there's now almost weird undertones because he knows he can be insufferable at times and is depressed, etc. He usually just wants to talk at me about work successes.

TL;DR ---> I'm very observant. How do I get over this annoying attention-seeking behaviour from others? How do I stop caring when everyone wants my time and attention, and has all these underhanded tactics? It tires me out at the end of the day. I get a lot of unwanted attention everywhere I go. I'm the kind of guy that walks in a room and heads turn. Part of me wants to be the charistmatic and social version of myself, so that I can go be the ALPHA and cold approach girls, etc. But there's a shyness in me, and my other side wants people to just fuck off and act like I don't exist so I can do my thing.

Your thoughts are appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read.