Yesterday I had a wake up call.

Despite reading religiously, doing writing exercises to help solidify what I learn, lifting/runnin/seeking hobbies/seeking a mission, and even managing to swallow the "make yourself your own mental point of origin" rather than chasing women, I have realized how hopelessly programmed I've become in the last 26 1/2 years of my life.

Yesterday I sat a computer to do a bit of class work and an Asian woman (7 objectively but I love Asians so an 8 to me) sat next to me who I'd talked to super briefly before maybe a month ago. My shit was in her way and she apologized for moving it.

Me: you're here everyday anyway (she is) Her: polite laugh Me: goes back to HW for fifteen minutes. Print and start packing Her: "you are leaving?" (After fifteen minutes of silence and she looks sad) Me: yes I have a x class. Her: ohhhhh xxxxxxx class! Is it hard? Me: not really. What are you always working on here? Her: I'm doing communucations-film project and then I go to engineering class. Me: awesome so you're working on a film? Her: no. Yes but not a good one haha. Me: I'm y, nice to meet you handshake Her: I'm z! handshake Me: will you be here tomorrow? stands up Her: yes I'm here everyday! Me: okay I'll see you tomorrow! Her: oh. I like your shoes! (What? I'm flattered because I love my shoes) Me: thank you I like your shoes too! They're my favorite colors. Maybe you can tell haha (They were, and everything I was wearing matched her shoes.) Her: thank you Me: I like your jacket too! Her: blank look Her: I like your jacket said slower and touched it Her: oh thank you! Me: OK bye

I realized she got two compliments when she should've received none and inshiuldve said "thanks I bought em myself" as soon as I walked away. I didn't think about any of that last bit of conversation, it just belted outta me. Doesn't matter I meant what I said I had pedestalized her within moments of meeting her because she showed a modicum of interest. I might be saved by the language barrier and my decision to not go to the library until tomorrow but the point is it never shoulda happened in the first place.

I am legitimately programmed and there's serious cognitive dissonance going on right now.

This post isn't about the girl, though critique is welcome I spose, it's about the underlying issues in my habits that led to this travesty of a conversation. I did not apply any amused mastery, any cocky n funny, I had no control over myself at the end. I could hide behind the excuse of it being 9:45am, or a general tired feeling (both true, neither cut it). Really it's just a problem with me. This could've happened at 5pm after a run, when I'm at my best.

Everything I've read, enables to me to examine my past actions, pick film and television apart, other people (a family member is getting married to a woman whose cucked him once before and has a kid with the man she cucked him with for fucks sake) and see the matrix, but I am still half plugged and have no mastery of self.

So I come to you, trpbros, for strategies on deprogramming yourself. How did you kill the beta within? How long did it take you? How can I resolve this cognitive dissonance in a psotivie way?

Tl; Dr: I'm a programmed beta whose script activates around women and I need assistance rewriting it/strategies to kill the beta.