Hi there -

I could probably bang out 7 or 8 paragraphs but I'll just get right to the point. I'm 31, live in a midwestern city, and I make good money - enough to buy a house in the suburbs. I've had LTRs, and I'm very picky; I want the next LTR to be my wife. I'm looking for the same thing that I am - a seven, and STEM grad school.

I want a family. I was raised upper middle class, and my parents combined household income (they are about to retire) is 450K. Ten years ago it was 275K. I will inherit a few million, but I would give it all to spend an extra day with my Dad in the end. We're very close.

I have a ton of anxiety - while I make good money, balancing work/fitness/and the realization that I'm 31 and behind where my father was at the same point does something very strange to my mind. I start panning out, thinking about crazy stuff like super cluster galaxies, black holes, what/will won't happen we die. It's extremely distressing. My parents are Russian Orthodox/Catholic, but I have a difficult time believing.

I take 1MG of clonazepam before bed because I have (this is very embarrassing) - panic attacks (maybe twice a week) to the point of screaming right as I lose consciousness and am about to fall asleep; I think about death/my life, and the failure to find someone who I can have children with.

Right now I'm dating someone (a seven who works retail) but I'm about to dump her. I feel like I have thousand somewhat interesting things to say (CAP theorem, machine learning, TBTF financial regulations etc.), but she really offers nothing intellectually. I've dated two doctors in residency - very much enjoyed their company, but they dumped me. Deep down I know they are looking for someone with higher SMV.

I've read Aleksandr Soliznetchin's Harvard address and there's one thing that sticks out - "If the world has not come to its end, it has approached a major turn in history, equal in importance to the turn from the Middle Ages to the Renaissance. It will exact from us a spiritual upsurge: We shall have to rise to a new height of vision, to a new level of life where our physical nature will not be cursed as in the Middle Ages, but, even more importantly, our spiritual being will not be trampled upon as in the Modern era.

This ascension will be similar to climbing onto the next anthropologic stage. No one on earth has any other way left but -- upward."

Except for me, it hasn't gone upward. It's gone a darker path - I feel like I hate myself. A certain scene for Mr. Robot comes to mind - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcePJlrAgSU

Has anyone else gone through this? My suffering is self inflicted - how do I stop hating myself?