Let me preface this by stating I am aware this is not about sexual power and understand if it's removed. That said, my best bet for a rational answer concerning masculinity would be here. tl;dr at bottom.

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I don't want to bore you with my life story so I will briefly describe my history with my dad. My mom cheated on him when I was 3, they got divorced, and I was raised by her until 18 (as a complete fuckup), then taken under his wing when my mother couldn't extract resources using me anymore. I totally respect him in taking me in and feeding/housing me until I got my shit together and finished high school. Joined the military after school, did my time, got out and went to college, got into graduate school, and here I am.

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I can't understate how much of a shitty kid I was. And my dad confessed a few times he almost gave up and ghosted my mom and I. He had remarried and his wife convinced him to keep being a dad. During this time he obviously got really close to my stepmom and her family, being more of a dad to them, which is completely understandable. I have no hard feelings about that.

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I've never been close to family due to these circumstances but I realize this is the one support system I can/should be able to rely on if things get really bad. So I try to make effort to keep in touch and care about what's going on. This is not met reciprocally. He nags constantly about me not caring about family enough yet when I make effort he talks to me like he's menstruating: "don't feign interest in my life, what do you want?" For this very reason I have never once asked him for anything. I have turned my life around and got to where I am by my own efforts (granted he supported me from 18-19, and the child support he paid my mom which I didn't see much of).

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I don't snap back, I ignore it. I try to keep in touch but his replies are short and always sprinkled with how I'm not family oriented enough. You would figure after several years of my efforts he would get that I'm trying but no, he's made up his mind that I'm a certain way and that's not budging. He expects me to drive 4 hours to have dinner with him and the stepfamily when I'm studying for finals, then gets mad when I can't make it. Got mad at me for being rear ended on the highway and not able to drive to take family photos on a busy weekend. Got mad at me for coming over but "leaving too soon" because I had work to get done. There's no winning and I'm getting sick of it.

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With all the expectations, he doesn't make effort to support me. He didn't come to my college graduation, didn't come to my white coat ceremony once getting into graduate school, and didn't come to my bodybuilding show. All things I have busted my ass to achieve and he knew how much they meant to me.

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I'm fucking venting and this post has gone on too long. I'm really conflicted on how to handle this guy. I respect him for not giving up on me and helping me out when I was a dumb teenager but holy shit he's like a nagging woman any time I try to have dialogue. Ignoring it and continuing the convo doesn't change anything. If I address it he can and will ghost me (he's cut out family for years for having a disagreement with him). I want to be there for him as he's getting up there in age, he's becoming more and more forgetful, but he's just insanely unpleasant to deal with.

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My instinct says to just ghost him. I don't need him so why am I busting my ass to convince him I do? But it is nice to know you have a safety net if shit goes real bad. Any of you guys have/had similar situations and did it turn out better for you?

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TL;DR - Dad is extremely needy of my time and attention but lashes out at me when I make effort anyways because something about it wasn't good enough. Should I ghost him? Try to call him out on it?