I've made various threads on depression already so i feel like an asshole making yet another despite getting great compassionate advice from people.

I'm a late 20's virgin and despite lifting and meditating regularly, i cant stop myself fantasising daily about driving off a bridge.

I have huge self esteem issues and cant take pride in any accomplishments i tend to make. And when i do occasionally accomplish something, i immediately discount it as nothing.

This is due to my relationship with my mother who always kind of just made me feel like shit whenever i felt good about something but blah blah whatever, dwelling on that will achieve nothing.

I'm sick to death of looking at girls and reading red pill stories of guys who came on here and seemingly within months turned their life around. I've been reading for about 3 months now and understand my wasted years a lot better now but generally i'm in a worse state mentally than when i found TRP.

I've read it all so obsessively that i feel like i've just lost track of all the fundamentals. And none of it fucking applies to me anyway in my current state. I communicate with people like i'm a zombie despite my best efforts to try and connect.

The one thing i am proud of is my eye contact and frame control with strangers now. I work in retail and every single person who comes in my store attempts to make me feel like shit. But i just stare them out now and communicate with them with ease, albeit in a robotic sense but it's still better than it used to be.

Where I live is a big problem. I'm not considered a human being due to race relations and general social isolation (none of my friends are here). But I can't leave due to serious family obligations and i don't know when it will ever end.

I just despise getting up in the morning and don't look forward to anything.

I've plateaued on my lifting very early on, i imagine due to having little drive.

I'm also on nofap and wonder if i just relapsed, i would feel better and feel a release.

Regarding girls, i've simply just never entertained the idea that i was ever a sexual prospect for anyone (despite the fact i dress better and am in better shape than my peers) until i met my former oneitis a few months ago. And that whole situation has just fucked my brain up completely.

I understand through TRP why i'm not a sexual prospect and i am glad to understand but i want to just stop caring now about even attempting to become this top 20%er.

This is just a lot of rambling but it's where my head is everyday despite whatever else i try to focus on, i just come back to this. I just want it out of my head.

Is there some way to just go permanent monk mode and truly stop caring about any of this shit at all? Any particular books to read?

Thanks