I [18yrs] have real low smv, I'm attractive to a degree (6-8/10) but have no social life because I have a reputation for being a loser and I have no friends. I've done something shitty things in the past and this makes me have a real bad reputation, whenever I seem to gain a little trickle of validation/popularity all it takes is someone to re-spread the information about me then my reputation dies all over again. You need friends to make other friends but everyone who knows me thinks I'm a loser and disrespects me. I'm good with socialising with strangers but the more they get to know me the more they realise I have no friends, and if they meet anyone I know they inevitably realise I'm a loser. I've had clinical depression in the past and have a rep for being extremely socially awkward; when someone sees me holding a girls hand in public there first reaction seems to be to challenge this new frame that I've adopted, and I just break and lose my frame each time. It just seems impossible that I've suddenly changed into a confident butterfly, it doesn't seem genuine and that's because yes, it's a work-in-progress and my progress is hindered when I'm constantly getting challenged like that.

I've taken to cold approaching and going out solo at night to build up my social skills in secret. Lifting hard as well. I want to move to another city but I won't be able to do that for another 2.5 years at least. I feel like everything motivating me at the moment is knowing that it's preparing me for that new life in a new city, a 'clean state' where I can start over.

Am I just running away from my problems? Maybe, but I have no idea where to begin to fix my problem. And there's a burning desire just to search for a land where the grass in greener on the other side, I've always desired to start a brand new life in another city elsewhere where everything is new and foreign. What do you guys think?