Disclaimer: I'm aware that I brought this on myself, I knew the risks since beginning but chosen to ignore them, akin to taking a drug despite certain negative consequences. It was rather a challenge for me to take on, I wanted something new. I will formulate my main questions at the end of this post.

Your typical red flags:

-shady past from very young age (she's 22 now): drug history, no hard ones AFAIK, mainly weed, but her sharing obsession with it from the day 1 got annoying very fast. Family issues, father's in another country for work, probably didn't leave since she was a child but still counts as absence. Her mother spreading info that she's problematic, often disappearing from home for days, etc. Promiscuous past.

-had a therapist or maybe even psychiatrist, and later on she admits to using ADs and sleeping pills

-party girl, drinks, smokes

-had a junkie ex

-revealing all this to me. Adding specifics gradually, and being very blunt about it, almost as if she's amused gathering my reactions

-always seeking thrill, stimulation, or easily bored to death

-comes out as complete weirdo in front of others. Ie. she would barely speak a word in front of my friends. Uncontrolled laughing for no reason.

-we didn't start under the "LTR" umbrella, and she didn't push for commitment, which is not bad by itself, but she held off a bit longer than your average woman, then suddenly she starts calling me her BF, and begins to define it ( where I get impression she is very careful with power dynamic, like very calculated, as if she's the one in control, difficult to explain)

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When I say red flags, I'm not thinking just vetting for LTR. There was always something deeper that is extremely off, and even though I suspected: sociopathy, bipolar, MPD, some combination; fast forward, I recently became pretty sure its NPD. I wasn't specifically looking for it but accidentally stumbled upon this topic via these channels: Entrepreneurs in Cars, 21 Studios and Richard Grannon, including streams with Rollo Tomassi. I'm not interested in personality disorders or psychology, but all this information matched exactly what I was experiencing for a year, with this girl.

I figured:

1) She was hoovering. All of those wtf just happened moments when strange conflicts arose. Few NCs resulting from that (longest one was 2-3 weeks), then getting back as nothing ever happened, with each cycle only to become more hooked = hoovering.

2) during first few months, it was "too good to be true" in essence. Despite usual warnings. It was so different with this one, that I feel she alpha widowed me. I realised she was mirroring me, and manufactured a "soulmate" illusion. She once actually said "are you me?". This is tied to love bombing - not using words overtly, but its like she had all the time in the world reserved for me. I thought I was applying red pill correctly, passing shit tests, plus being busy and unavailable during week. But I was probably just very interesting narcissistic supply for her.

3) she had these dead, cold eyes, sometimes hypnotic, haven't experienced this before. Always a calm quiet voice, and her whole persona was binary, either excited and self-amused, or easily switched to sort of quick stone cold rage - where you would catch a glimpse of something indicating that she hates your guts or doesn't see you as a person at all . There is no negotiation with her, no fighting no discussions. Your opinion doesn't matter to her. I actually never had a proper conversation with her about anything. I suspected sociopathy because of course zero empathy, and everything about her feels staged, shallow, like you're dealing with an android, not authentic person. So 2 or 3 masks, no shades inbetween, and very weird switches.

4) Until the last period until I had to block her permanently now. Devaluation stage. Discard and silent treatments. It was usually executed as push pull. She would insult me in the middle of something, completely out of nowehere. Things that would make me go "what was that?". She'd say "I still love you but facts are facts", and then she would push my buttons which she was master at. Not simple jealousy or any other usual shit tests, but subtle personality attacks, every weakness she ever detected or studied, is where she would eventually take a stab at, self-amused, with smile on her face. Then it became too much, and at last occasion I decided to snap myself out of it. It was a while since we had sex because of her period, and one night she teased me then denied, the next one I busted a nut prematurely - at that point she wants me to get her off by fingering, stops me as I'm "not doing it properly", and goes "you are useless for everything. You don't even know how to have sex, can't get me off, I will remember YOU by that" and so forth. Needless to say, I made her cum multiple times before, but she always refused to do anything to get me off, no oral on either side, nothing she knew I wanted. Its like there was a wall sexually, just like with her persona. Here I ignore her, next morning she leaves for work without saying a word, followed by 3 days of silence. Of course, she hoovers again, calling, sending a text, like nothing happened "come over to XY city" (our frequent destination), and since its not clear how she even ended up there, alone by herself, which is her typical whim, I ignore it. Next she points out she's at location we often visited, and asks where its possible to stay over night (alone). I block her, it ends here. (its been a while since)

Recently, we almost moved in together, but fortunately circumstances prevented it. However for past month or so, we were at my place, practically to the point of cohabitating. This is where all was getting intensified, and bad things really bad. The point is I cohabitated with women for long time, I had LTRs left and right, and if most women are neurotic to some degree, hence need for red pill, this is not just another variation - its orders of magnitude more intensified.

Now, I had a case of oneitis, especially in the middle of everything, but after experiencing her ugly sides, its lesser, and whats actually left is broken confidence, self-doubt and unresolved confusion. I just have to get this out of my system. I needed to write this down, the decision to post it on askTRP is because I need some external input.

- I did learn to maintain my frame in new ways I never thought possible, but maintaining frame, and after effects are two different things, I feel like my mind is intruded, super ego replaced by her insulting voice. I do also have flashbacks to the good times she provided, and its causing cognitive dissonance. In the end she devalued me sexually, and that was the final blow.

I have my failsafe though, I did not sink to the bottom after this, or anything like that. I'm back to olympic weightlifting after the lockdown and it re-energizes me - ironically I have patellar tendinopathy I think, so this will be a difficult battle. I lost all my gains and most of performance during lockdown, and partly during relationship with her, of course she used it against me - calling me skinny lately to belittle me basically. I am also very focused on my work, etc.

Btw if you will suggest monk mode, fine, but I consider most of my recent life to be monk mode, she was the one to break it.

Sorry for maybe too long of a post. I'm already moving on, but I started to write this down in intervals, and needed to vent. So what goes though my head:

Is it all our mistake? Are they just a mirror of our value/SMV, and failing basically shows that I'm low on the scale?

Can one really say "she wasn't the quality woman or LTR material", rather than "well obviously I suck, she even pointed it out openly"?

Without arbitrary filters, her value is in attractiveness, and if you're not able to match that with your own value, then on elementary level you're basically told that you're not good enough, and NPD or whatever would actually be the best mirror, since they will make damn sure you know whats up. Its in their nature to "read you" better than average or normal people.