[I posted this on the mgtow subreddit. Got few replies, so I'm posting here to get some more ideas]

What am I doing? Thinking about my future. Where I’m headed. What I want, what I should want, what I need, what I think I need, etc.

I’m 28 years old. I’ve gone alone my own way all my life. Can societally function just fine, superficially, largely by simulating social cues. I’ve lived a very asocial life and I think this has impaired me in many ways, not just socially. I think I could learn if I started now. But I wonder if I would be able to fully learn to form, interact in, and maintain genuine close relationships, friendships, romantic relationships. I wonder if there is some knowledge or connection that is now unattainable to me, no matter how hard I work and practice, as a result of 15+ years of being asocial.

I suspect I’ve lost a few things from this asociality. I’m not sure if I should mourn this loss. What I do know is that I don’t want to be in this same position 50 years down the road, on my deathbed. A position of uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, regret, and emptiness. Aimless, purposeless, and questioning. I want to grow old and die in peace, knowing I lived my life fruitfully. At peace with my life’s choices.

I’ve been redpilled and blackpilled for most of my life. Not just regarding women, but to life which is where the pill’s effects intensify. It’s extremely hard for me to find women attractive anymore. Just the awareness of their nature is a libido killer. I’m 28 and my libido is dead. Lately, as I gain even greater awareness of women’s nature and the way society is heading, I can hardly even get erect at the sight of attractive female bodies. Not even their bodies alone are doing it for me anymore. Imagine how hard I get when I think about their mind and thoughts, manipulation, deceit, vacuousness, immorality, and premeditated evil.

I know women have been a problem since the beginning of humanity. But now that they’ve got some power, they’ve shown all their cards and become insufferable and supremacist. They’ve become megalomaniac. They now do whatever they want, because the world has become their oyster on a silver platter.

What is a man to do with all this madness? Is the right thing to isolate myself as much as I can from it all (what I’ve been doing thus far)? Take advantage of it (pump and dump)?

Or fight it and try to make it work? Not trying to find a unicorn, they don’t exist. But just risking it with a woman and ultimately hope for the best. Hope seems like the only thing there is. Because as we know, the man could work tirelessly as hard as possible, be more than perfect, but that guarantees nothing with women. They have the power put an end to you at any time and for any reason, or no reason at all.

I am going my own way. I work and exercise, and I got hobbies and entertainment. I’m doing well on lots of metrics, except for social life and women. This question has been recurring with greater intensity as of late. Is my way the right way? Do I keep going the way that I’m going?

If I were to keep living this way, it would essentially be easy mode. I’d have basically unlimited possibilities for what I could do. Be as indulgent or as temperate as I wanted. But an outcast from the realm of relationships, women, children, and family. No reproduction in the traditional way (I could have children with surrogates, but that doesn’t appeal to me). Just myself navigating adrift in this world. Keep doing this for 50 more years?

I am fully cognizant of female’s nature (hypergamy, Briffault's law,, AWALT, and so on) and of the current nature of society, justice system, and government (anti-male, male disposability, males are evil, and so on). Even with all of this, I ask myself, is this it? Can I go against nature? Should I? The biological imperative is strong. Even for a person like me who favors thinking and philosophy, I can set aside those biological urges, but they resurface time and time again.

All my life I’ve pretended I know what I’m doing. Making plans, achieving this, doing that, setting goals, trying to create a path for myself and put my life in “order.” If I wanted to make a change and pursue women for a serious relationship, it would be hard. 15-year lack of experience. What the hell would I even do with a wife and kids? Taking care of myself is often difficult. I can’t imagine how tough it would be to live with a wife and children.

If I were to have children, and ended regretting it, there’s no going back. I guess I could place the kid on adoption, but I wouldn’t want to do that. Overall, I think I’m fucked either way. I’m fucked if I continue going my own way, and I’m fucked if I choose to get with a woman and create a family.

Part of me thinks, that even if relationships with women present the worst odds in the world for men, that I should at give it a try, and try to make it work. That’s what men do. Find solutions and make things work. To endure and struggle, against all odds. To fall and get scraped and get up and keep moving forward. That’s what makes us men.

If I were to go that route, I would obviously want it to all work out. Have a happy family, have a happy wife and children. To have us grow together, learn from each other, and help each other out. I know this is a pipedream. But, even so, why not give it a shot? Even with the great probability of it becoming a living hell. And there are limitless ways in which it could become a hell, as many of you guys report. E.g., wife would cheat, withdraw sex, gaslight, file for divorce. I lose half or all my belongings and more in the form of child support, emotional/psychological damage, time/years wasted on a lie. A lie that I knew was a lie, even before I embarked on that lie, willingly.

This post is discombobulated. I’m not even sure what I’m asking overall, or what I want from this. Even if I were to get the answer, the final and veridical answer to everything (to my life, to existence, to the universe), I’m not sure that I would accept it. I would question it, fight it, and try to dismiss it. What is our purpose as men? What should we do with the current state of affairs in terms of relationships, women, ethics, society, justice system, and government? What are some sensible answers to this existential and philosophical problem? Solutions that won’t leave me on my deathbed saying to myself something like: I wasted it all, I wasted my life, I didn’t do what I should have done, I didn’t do what I was supposed to do, I did nothing with my life.

I’m not even sure that the woman pipedream scenario where everything is perfect is THE answer. It is an answer, sure. What if I wake up one day and feel trapped with these people? Even If I love them and they love me. What if I were to no longer want to be a part of that? So again, it’s an answer. But even this “perfect” answer potentially presents problems.

It’s like you must pick a role in life or something will inevitable pick you. Family man, guy going his own way, Buddhist monk, etc. A lot of talk about NPCs lately. In a way, we’re all NPCs. We are bound to a very limited scope in what we can be and do. Do I really have agency over myself? Is what I feel and think real and truly mine, or an illusion? I don’t know. I’m trying to know a little and find some answers. What may be some sensible answers? Besides GYOW, marriage with kids, asceticism, etc.

I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts and any advice you guys may have. Thank you.