Hi Seddit. I've had this on my mind off-and-on for our entire relationship, so maybe you can help me reason it out.

Long and jumbled read (resembling my current state of mind) , sorry in advance.

First off, I'm fairly outcome independent, and have never had a problem making friends, relationships, or having one night stands. I got out of a serious relationship about 9 months before that I was possibly not completely over yet. People always seem to fall in absolute love with me before I even consider it. Now, our story: Last summer, halfway through my backpacking around my state, I took my annual summer job at a school in a town. They pay well, it's my university town (so I have a lot of friends there), and I've been doing it for a month per year for at least 5 years. I received an email notifying me of a message on a dating site I very rarely used. We texted for a week, then meet up for coffee. She's an 8 with a great open minded personality, so we had good convo. Anyways, I told her about some close secret hotsprings I knew of (about 5hr drive away, and up a dirt road before finally hiking uphill to them). We talked the whole way. At the hotsprings, we set up camp and I got in naked. She wasn't quite comfortable with that, but I didn't care either way - it's just the way I like to do hotsprings. I told her we were not going to have sex that night, without reason (this has always worked well for me btw). After a great night under the stars, we went back through the freezing air to our two - person tent, and cuddled for warmth. We kissed, and I did lots of foreplay before making her scream from finger work. Something she's apparently never experienced with anyone before, and I could feel her love for me growing. This possibly scared me a bit due to not wanting it. (we were not officially dating by this point, btw).

Anyways, soon after that, I went to an annual indigenous gathering I go to (and I brought another girl I was interested in). It was a amazing experience for girl 2,as she has never known of the indigenous spiritual beliefs, and she felt humbled and grateful for being there. After a great day of meeting people and sharing cultures and stories, we went to my 2 person tent to sleep, and I ended up doing the same thing with her, and with the same result. She kept calling me "everything". Anyways, not completely sure why, but I didn't fuck her that night; possible because I didn't know where me and girl 1 stood. Anyways, for good or bad, I invited girl one with the hopes they would absolutely hit it off. My mistake. The girls didn't take to eachother right away as I had hoped, and girl 1 was jealous that I slept (less the fucking) with girl 2 the night before. I abandoned them so I could meet up with old friends and join a sweat lodge. Later on, they were like best buds with slight jealousy - improvement.

Anyways, girl 1 put me on the spot later on, saying that she thought we were exclusive. I considered it, then agreed that we could be. Since then, we have pretty much been together the entire time, including working on a farm for the rest of the summer, working in the oilfield to save some quick cash, then backpacking in Scotland for 3 long months (if was her plan, but she def didn't have enough saved to go. Even with our frugal lifestyle, so I ended up coming out with mi our debt. No worries on money though, but it was kind of stressful with everything she wanted to do .)

The entire time we've been dating, I've had this feeling of inevitable end. She's an amazing person, and I love her, but I feel a dread when I think about our relationship status, and I have no idea why. Our sex is excellent, or goals align, and we both have the capacity to support eachother.

Maybe it's that she always is worried that I'm going to leave her (she was dumped about the same time I split with my ex, and it has severely affected her self confidence), or maybe that's because I have considered it multiple times - but haven't found justification to do it.

Ah jeez, this is a tough one to write, because I'm not even sure about it myself.

Feedback appreciated!

Edit : If also like to add, when things are good I am fine. When we're apart, or when we fight is when I consider leaving.