I am a friendly guy. I go out and try to have fun and laugh with people. Sometimes, I am talking to a girl and it's real cool, and when it's done, my friends tell me that I was flirting with the other person. And I am like "really, that's what that was?" I don't understand why people can't be friendly to each other without wanting them in that way. I want to be close to people, I want hugs, but that doesn't mean I want to get into your pants. I think that goes back to me being an "excessive" kind of person. In social situations, I am sometimes "too much". Often times, if I am in a room, I find that if I open my mouth, I am the center of attention. Sometimes, I go overboard. Talk too much. Laugh too much. Make too many jokes. I find that people like me. I find that when I am "too much", I am treading the fine line of being inappropriate and doing the wrong things. I have a very large conscience. After a night of fun, I replay events in my head and I go back and apologize for any small wrong-doing, otherwise I burn up on the inside.

This morning, I woke up from a night of partying (hadn't done that in a while). I drank quite a bit. Woke up without a hang over. I remember certain things that I am not proud of. I don't think those acts weren't really alcohol-induced, but the alcohol sure didn't help them. I would have probably done all those things without alcohol, because I was "in the zone" and I was being "too much". I am a very smart person, but I am not smart on my feet. I make great decisions in life, but when I am "at the moment", I am sometimes an idiot (by my standards, not others').

I woke up and it kinda hit me why I could be like this. Of course, it could be because I am just a fun-loving guy who sometimes just needs to chill (which is true), but I realized that there is something deeper to it. I lack solid affection in life, and I long for affection, and I rarely get that. I don't mean "crazy-ex-you-must-love-me" kind of affection. I just want someone to tell me that they miss me and to tell me that I am a good person. I seem to not be able to get that, and it hurts. I suppose, my being "too much" is me acting out.