I was the unwanted child as well. But I did better in school, got a job much sooner, thanks to divorce rape of my dad I was at least only a monthly paycheck to her so long as I was alive.. So she did do the bare minimum to make sure I did that at least. And I tried to take that away from her. I could go on and on but the less I have to relive the faster I can get on to not thinking about my mom :)

My mom was real shitty and even still... I'm nice to her, I might still see her once or twice a year. It was pretty easy for me to understand my mom is AWALT -- and some folks have told me to be mad at her for all the shit (I haven't even touched on the top 5, but I've shared in some other posts).. But if anything, accepting AWALT and my mom is, in fact, a woman then it's got to apply. Everyone with a good mom for sure thinks that she's a NAWALT, so there must really be tons of them, all of them containing a rare genetic defect which has never been identified or study because it's fucking biology! She can't help it.

Like any woman she is little more than an animal, simple and predictable. What's not predictable is predicting all the inputs from the external world will be to influence what her state is. Unlike men who break down the world and plan things out logically, you tend to be able to determine a man's behaviour based on what he think will give him the most benefit or opportunity for future benefit, etc any positive potential outcomes vs negatives. But women are very reactionary and fickle, not basing their actions on rational thought but rather emotional thought. They can shift everything on a dime because so much of it is based on input from the external world -- like an animal. An animal will never question "how this car was built, how the materials are gathered, etc." , abstract thought, they will just see "car. That goes faster than walking. It goes to cool places like the vet and the park and the beach and the relative." That's how women experience the world, impulsive and reactionary based on emotional associations with the world they're experiencing.

So in that way I understand that my mom was a really shitty mom, but if she had a different set of circumstances then she probably would have been a great mom. There's no long-term "Character" like a man builds that defines your morals and your ethics. It's just how much risk you'll accept over immediate reward. So throwing your marriage away so that you can fuck this dude at the club who kinda looked like Bradd Pittt and maybe it even was and you might never get this chance again.... OK! LET'S GO FOR IT!" That's how a woman would encounter it.

But a man? A man thinks about who he is. "I'm a faithful man, so even though I could fuck [Hot Star] and wouldn't get this chance again, the man that I am could never do that." We weigh our virtues and morals against it before we seal the deal, no matter how appealing the rewards. And yeah, they say every man has a price.. I think that just at a certain point your instinct to survive and flourish kicks in, and you say "10 billion dollars is a lot... I could survive forever!" deep down inside which drives your higher thoughts into rationalizing it "Well, I could help a lot of people with that money, and I could save so many lives... so I will shoot my [Somebody very close to you] in the face."

Recent neuroscience is just starting to pick up signals that seem to suggest that for many decisions our "lower" brain makes the choice for us before the signal even travels to the higher brain to consider the "reasoning" behind it. I believe that women are almost exclusively driven by this, given that emotions are in the lower-levels ["evolutionary" or "low=simplicity, high=complex"].

So with women, interaction may go like this:

Lower brain is pissed off because it detects 50 grams of weight in the hand of [Person]

Lower brain (emotional) to high brain (thinking): " You're pissed off right now and that 50 grams of weight is a tiny irritant get rid of it."

So now the lower emotional centers of the brain have made the decision, and high brain thinks/justifies it

High brain (maybe spoken in "active voice" consciousness, maybe not): " They put that damn trash can so far away and look it's already almost full they need to empty it and besides they have people who are paid to clean this so UGHHH! get out of here bag!"

Then the female litters.

It seems women are a mostly a slave to this, but as men.. it's more nuanced. I believe with men that the higher brain is actually able to reconsider the emotional input, or possibly is given a range of severity of the need and becomes less likely to be ignored as severity increases (such at the 10 billion dollars example above)

So it may go like this for the litter situation:

Lower brain: "We've got a minor 50 gram weight in our hand, and we are kind of pissed off. Severity = [5/100]

Higher brain (maybe in "active conscience" voice, maybe not): "Well, it's very low severity, so it's not an immediate need.. let me consider this. What kind of person am I? Well I really care about the environment, I like walks. And while It would help me in a slight way to drop it, I wouldn't want other people to drop it and they've probably considered these same things. So if we all just agree to be the best we can be, society will benefit as a result [This is basically the core of Adam Smith's "The Invisible Hand" -- which he was the guy who founded what capitalism and the related free-economy societies (like we used to be and still are somewhat in USA)]. So I'm not going to drop this"

Whereas the previous example:

Lower brain: "We need to survive. 10 billion will ensure maximum survival. Severity [90/100]"

Higher brain: "Okay, wow that's really high severity. So while I might feel bad about this....I will shoot [somebody close to you] in the face. I can help a lot of people that way, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few..."

.

So even though it's "bad" to shoot a loved one (I'm NOT advocating this in any way: let me be very explicit, it's just an intense example) he was basically told by instinct that he "Had" to act. This is how a lot of murderers and such describe their crimes, they "HAD" to do it. They had no other choice. So I suspend that with women it's always pretty well decided and they will justify it any which way, and thus are irrational and act emotionally due to full influence from the emotional centers of the brain. With men though, we've developed a higher brain that can override the lower brain, pending a sort of "severity override" mechanism. Another example could be like in those saw movies you have to scoop out your eyeball or you will die in 30 seconds kind of shit, your lower brain's innate desire to preserve its own life overrides any rational thought and "adrenaline takes over."

So yeah, this started as a comment reply and ended up a really long musing. I don't provide TL;dr; because honestly if you didn't have time to read it you certainly don't have time to comment on it in any meaningful way. :) That's not an insult to ANYBODY, that's just why I don't do it.

I was actively developing these ideas in my head whilst I was recording them, so if it seems to be a big repetitive in some places I apologized, but I think it's neat to share construction of ideas along with the summaries of them. Maybe it'll inspire somebody else to take a branch and go yet another direction