Sorry it's so long but I like to write and anyone who reads this please gauge how over this situation I actually am. Finally feel like I've gotten to 100% red pill. Just need to actually do the deed.

The final chapter:

I feel pathetic. An absolute loser. An emotional tampon, like a bag you put shit in. Is this love? I did it to myself. I made myself feel this way. I forced it and got scared plenty of times throughout because of the pain. I blamed myself because I thought I wasn't being a good enough tampon. What a fucking idiot I am.

But im proud of myself. Because I finally made it. I finally got to a point where I feel nothing. No remorse no sorrow. No guilt. I finally got to this point and can rejoice. Thank fucking god because it took plenty of trampling. Plenty of heart to get squeezed out to the point where it can no longer pump the love. The blood has dried out. The tampon has been used up and you're gonna have to find another one. It must suck. To constantly feel like you have to have a host to suck dry. And man I was proud to be that host. I literally laid down on the floor and let you walk all over me. Is this love?

I'd pour my heart out you remember those days? When I thought I needed you and I did. I realize now that I needed you more than ever. Nah, not for you to love me but at the time thats what I thought I needed. How many texts, messages, pouring my heart out begging for you to love me. And you gave that attention that I so badly craved to some other guy. Probably multiple other guys right? Probably not just attention either right? You enjoyed it didnt you, knowing that it was my first time, that our love was supposed to be pure. It probably turned you on like crazy knowing theres this guy completely innocently in love with you and will stay no matter what while you fuck the shit out of someone else. Knowing that there is actually no such thing And that you could care less about me loving you. I was just an insect right? A dog that you told to stay while you were "depressed get dicked down by other dudes. And you came back after that month and proceeded to dog me out.

Literally tearing my heart from piece to piece. I remember I asked you where you keep my heart and you jokingly pointed at that pussy. Funny right? You like the idea of other guys fucking my heart? Fucking and shitting all over the love I had for you. You like the attention right? I was just some conquest in the end another body. But damn I never thought of it that way. Such dumb innocence lol.

And me pouring my heart out to you was just another mark on the checklist. And im just crossed out after the duty is done. That's love? I worked like a slave on a plantation for you. Did it make you feel good? knowing that this poor loser loved you and that you had full control over him. Did it make you feel good indirectly admitting to your infidelity and then me begging you for forgiveness afterward? You see why I feel pathetic right? Working long ass hours daily, just to pay a bill or two. Slaving over you but you couldn't even call me.

I remember earlier today I jokingly brought up that I was going to look at your pimple today. Like how we used to flirt when you first found out that I was in love with you. You shit on me and said your driving and you'd talk to me later. Who were you talking to on the phone after? There is no more love.

It's not that you sabotage your relationships. Don't feel bad. It's just that your incapable of love. You are incapable of having my back like I had yours. You stand on me and bleed, saying your unhappy with your life. That's got to be hard. Did you think how I felt? laying there, a slave to you doing anything to make you happy. How I wish someone would do that for me. I wished you were the one. But it isn't possible.

And I refuse to remain a slave. A tampon. It's worse then being homeless. loving someone who hates you and will stop at nothing to make you feel like dirt. Wont even respond to a text or call because your busy fucking the shit out of someone else. Yeah I guess I am pretty pathetic. Because I realized that and thought damn well maybe if I love her enough she would just give me a taste of that love I desire. Her love more than the love of God himself. How pathetic. It's useless.

But I needed you. I needed you to know all of this. I needed you because so needed to feel like I could genuinely be capable of love and I realized...that I am. I've never given so much of myself....all of myself to someone. I needed you to realize that just like you needed me as a emotional tampon with a wallet. So thanks, for helping me realize that. And your not a bad person. Neither am I even though after this chapter ends everyone will think so right? Well except for the guys dicking you down lol. You love showing them the true nature that you actually have dont you? Nah I'm not talking about the next host neither...that poor guy.

Not even worried about the last laugh but what's next for me? Knowledge...exponential growth. The return to my kingdom which is my solitude. My peace. Where I continue to grow and prosper to reach my full potential. But for you? A daughter who doesn't even need you because her father cares for her more emotionally and financially then you ever could. Another host who youll hate and other guys who will continue to run up your miles. Until your next host learns what I did or gets fed up and finds a younger master to slave over. But you? Loneliness is imminent. Maybe you'll be happy like me with it. If what you wanted was a high body count and trophies of the semen dumped in you and the remains of the various hosts torn hearts stuffed in your ran up vagina. Or maybe it'll be continued narcissism or dementia at that point.

I'll just be here. Happy that I know how capable I was of fully giving myself for someone else. And content with my continued pursuit of all things true in this world. Good luck. Hope you find whatever it is that you might actually be looking for.