So I recently discovered that my life is full of shit. Everything I did, I bullshitted. I had no real friends, only 'covert contracts' with acquaintances. I cheated my way through school. Everything I did was to look good externally, no matter what I have to twist around inside to make it like that. Inside, a nice guy is constantly running away from this pain - the fact that he is a MAN and wants to be FUCKING MANLY. This is the life of a boy living in blue pill society. This is the life of my peers.

The reason we live like this is because we were shown through various media that the cocky, rebellious badass is a loser, or stupid. He is trying to be fake, we think, and we reject that entirely. But the desire to be a cocky, rebellious badass is ingrained in every adolescent. We can't escape it. So what we do is, we make fun of the guy who thinks he is better. We scoff at him. Instead of embracing our bad side, we become ironic, mocking the 'cool kids' and using words like 'swag'. No one in the past four years has used the term swag seriously. We mock the very idea of swagger, while still feeling like we have status for saying it.

But that badness, rebelliousness is vital. Without being bad we never throw off the shackles of our caring mommies. Without being bad, we stay as children, and then wonder why we feel so inadequate acting as 'men' in society. We are still little kids, trying our best to look like men, but without trying too hard, because that would mean we are pretentious. We still see the woman as greater than us, like our moms.

And that is awful. The worst feeling in the world is of being constrained in a little fluffy room, filled with beanbag chairs and husbands. It is impossible to smash anything here. I feel this incredible rage for being boxed in, but merely admitting I am angry will make me feel worse, because I am also avoiding the fact. In the fluffy room, you have to be nice and pretend everything is happy, or you feel the pain of the truth. This is HELL. To admit it was one of the worst times in my life. I have spent my life avoiding this feeling of being constrained with anything I can find. Defense mechanisms I have used include video games, internet, smoking weed, becoming accomplished in life, narcissism, drinking, petty power grabs, sleeping, meditation and others.

But after you throw off the shackles of childhood and dive into the big bad scary lifestyle, you learn things. And you can only be a real man if you have been bad and learned your lessons. Nice guys have never dared to be bad in public before, and they have never learned any lessons.

So what realized I have to do right now, as a senior in high school, is be the baddest motherfucker around. I am remaking myself to be cocky, rebellious, impulsive, and an asshole.

And people are going to love me for it.