PART I

Once upon a midnight dreary I had a glass of bourbon and a cigar and watched Skyfall.

In the scene when he’s fighting on the train 007 gets shot...

I thought “He fell really hard...”

Because of a woman...

The anathema of my life and this sub.

Insomnia caused me to to reflect on everything I’ve done, one by one.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Twelve women

Twelve experiences

And twelve Aesops (that’s a lesson learned, if any)

ONE

M

Junior high school, NC. A devout Catholic from a devout Catholic family. Cute, blonde, overdeveloped breasts. She would not have sex but she was talked into oral. She was a natural.

One night we did have sex. One stroke—no condom—before her parents arrived. Often moody, it turned out she had ovarian cancer and called off our relationship shortly before I moved to another city only to leave me devastated. M bought a motorcycle, became a math teacher and got married.

TWO

J

Short, curvy brunette with raven hair down to her butt. Relocated to my town in VA due to a “geographical.” That’s when you do drugs in a town and it’s so bad that your parents and counselor decide to move you far away from the cocaine. Her boyfriend was found in a dumpster—dead of course. This town, by the way, is Albuquerque NM. There’s a reason Breaking Bad was shot there. But we’ll get back to that.

So they moved her in with her strict aunt and she met the only rocker in school with long hair—me. We had some sweeping romance like an 80s video. We did lots of drugs: weed, acid, mushrooms, speed. We sold drugs.

She slept with my best friend— a big coke dealer. I went to his house but that was a bad idea as him and our/his friends had AK47s as backup for dealing coke. I sucker-punched him once and they broke us up. I drove away. If we weren’t best friends I would have been dead.

We got back together. She got pregnant—with protection. Shortly after, I broke up with her. She was jealous of my friends. She wanted to do the family thing. For me it was sport bikes with my buddies and strip clubs.

J moved back to Albuquerque and started cooking meth with husband number two. She was released from prison after a plea bargain and started college around the age of 40.

Aesop: Looks don’t matter if you have the right drug. Also being a bad ass is appealing to all the girls all the time. Coke dealer trumps rocker as far as bad-assness goes.

THREE

V

Greek with a body right out of Playboy, long brown hair, big beautiful green eyes. Smart as a whip and had a mouth like a sailor. She took after her dad who used to run a nonstop tirade of Greek expletives at the television when the World Cup was on.

My favorite: Gamo to spiti sou: I fuck your house!

I think this means fuck your lineage or your honor. Something along those lines.

We dated though college. This was the longest relationship I had, running close to five years. It was tumultuous to say the least. If you know Greek women you will nod in agreement.

The high points: V was really fun. I got her into tantric sex which lasted for four hours. Her dad was a chef. He liked me and used to cook Greek food for me all the time.

Aesop: What I realized is this relationship should not have went past two years. This seems to be some magic number when I think a girl realizes you are not going to commit further. Shit or get off the pot.

I remember sitting at a coffee shop with my buddies and I said we break up and get back together so much that I don’t know if we are together or not right now.

One day V came over for lunch unexpectedly and came through the back door only to find me in bed with a teenage Korean girl.

All hell broke loose. V had a switch blade. (She also had a Walter .223 and CCW but she did not have it that day.)

She pulled the switch blade which I wrestled from her and then ran to the kitchen and pulled a kitchen knife which I wrestled from her. She threatened to slash the Korean girl’s face. Finally with V a crying mess I ushered her out.

Now here is were TRP kicks in: V was over the next day because she wanted to go swimming in the pool. We were together for a few more weeks before everything finally fizzled.

FOUR

K

K was a cute teen, Irish redhead about half my age that I met through my social circle. Legs to die for but could not rock a pair of heels so she only wore them for me during sex.

This lasted to that magic two-year number. This was a highpoint for me that I often reminisce about as she had two friends that were her age, also very cute, and also natural redheads.

Evenings would often end in the Master’s Chamber. I managed a threesome with K and her friend. A foursome with all three redheads would have been capital but I’m not complaining.

K was a sweetheart. Every time she arrived she had a gift for me.

This was one of the easiest low-maintenance relationships for me. One night I was drunk and all over her friend. She got a little upset but got over it quick.

We went to that two or two-and-half year maker and it ended quietly. She turned to women after me and became a lesbian. Go figure.

Aesop: Redheads, man...