First I'll just say that I am a mid 30s single guy without much luck in finding true love. I've had girlfriends, but nothing I felt would last based on differing future goals as well as religious beliefs. I'm not bitter and jaded, and only found TheRedPill because it talks about stuff that no one else is talking about, but I still fully intend to settle down and marry the love of my life... I just figured I needed to try understand why I am the way I am when all around me people seem to have no problem getting themselves into relationships.

I saw something on television today with Nigel Latta (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nigel_Latta) who is a psychologist who does some awesome television documentaries.

In his show called, The Curious Mind, he suggested that there are 3 phases of falling in love, from the initial attraction, passion (where dopamine plays a part) and attachment (where oxytocin plays a part).

One quick tangent that I'll bring up is that he interviewed a woman who had been in several relationships, but never made the transition from passion to attachment, and every time she reached the attachment phase, she would break up and seek out someone else for the passion phase - they talked about how the attachment phase is a need for security, and she said she feels security in other areas and is NOT looking for that in a guy... (I'll come back to this part later on).

I was thinking about how myself and other "needy" or "desperate" guys go about looking at potential partners. We're visual so as soon as we see a girl we know whether or not we're attracted to them, and so far so good - however I think that there is some big need for security, so that we jump straight from attraction to attachment, looking for that security that will give us the oxytocin hit, but for the women they haven't quite gone through the attraction phase as they build attraction over time based on behaviours rather than necessarily just what we look like. This means we mismatch timing completely as we see the sign to say that she's now attracted to us, and we jump straight to attachment and that's how we give off the needy vibe which is so unattractive!

Now back to my tangent from above - I grew up being taught (everything in the world preached this at me from tv, church, books, family) that women crave security/attachment so I became conditioned to go straight to that. I think women along with the freedom they've begun to experience got the opposite message, that men are only interested in the sex/passion side of things and so they've become conditioned to seek out that.

And so it is this mismatch that causes a lot of the problems men and women have with relating to each other.

Thoughts?