I have never been a confident guy. At time's I show a burst of confidence, and in those very short burst's feel like I am king of the world, but for the other 99% of the time, I have an issue with even getting out of bed in the morning, because I cant stand the thought of having to interact with, or even be around people.

I think my biggest issue, is starting a conversation, and then continuing, and ending the conversation. Most of my conversations end with me awkwardly turning away and mumbling. I know I can talk to people just fine, but during the conversation, I turn into a nervous wreck and very rarely have anything of value to add to the conversation, and honestly try my best to get in and out of any conversation as fast as possible. And if that can be done so easily, I'll try to steer through the storm with a few awkward laughs and a "ya I get that" sprinkled in along the way.

I'm 19, going to university, a hive of new and exciting people to meet, but all I do is stay in my room, and hope that no one talks to me, even though there is a strong urge to interact with others. I have been able to make friends with my roommates and people in the general area, but my ability to communicate effectively is stopped as soon as I leave my bubble of close peers and friends.

At times, I will go to parties, and just sit and watch people interact with each other, just to try and see how they do it so well. This sometimes works, or will give me a little bit of a confidence boost, as I go to talk to anyone, never girls, and try to strike up a conversation. Usually I will crash and burn within a few seconds of the "conversation" starting. At my worst, I have even considered the fact that I might be socially autistic to some extent, and was quite depressed by this fact. I just don't seem to fit in. Of course this is a terrible thing to think, and have wiped this idea out of my mind, but still there is this nagging feeling that due to my inability to talk others, that there is something wrong with me, like I'm different, like I am below everyone else.

Is there something wrong with me? Possibly, but that's a last ditch sort of consideration I am not ready to succumb to yet. I am getting better, I see it everyday, there is a small but noticeable improvement in me every time I reflect on myself, but this issue of never being good enough, always being the second choice with girls (even though I have a girlfriend), staying in my room all day, just doesn't sit right with me. I am a young guy, and I know there is still time for me. So I am reaching out to ask for some advice, some sort of explanation to why I feel this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach in the morning as I wake up and think to myself "How bad am I gonna fuck up today?"

Cheers fellas.

​