Part 1: Death http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/18t8qn/death/

Part 2: Recovery

Enter seddit. I slowly rose from the ashes, reading post after post about being high value, openers, keeping conversation going, body language, etc. I started learning to refine what I'd already done naturally before, and attained results more consistently. Being on my own helped me work on myself more, and I started getting better at pickup over the summer. I began meeting a bunch of new people, and I soaked in all the wonderful advice. However, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I read the posts but didn't fully understand them. I saw seddit as a "shortcut" for sleeping with women. I didn't understand what being an alpha male truly entailed. I was running game and getting better, but getting more and more frustrated with rejection because I became so focused on the end game. I did improve however, and by the end of the summer, I'd slept with more girls than I had in my entire life combined. Yet, there was no further interaction with any of these women, I could turn them on but after that they'd be gone. Everything felt so empty. I didn't realize how easily they noticed I was still in love with somebody else when we'd be cuddling after sex. They knew I was gaming them for self-validation, I was just able to keep it holed up until we'd be talking late at night and the real me would come out. My front came crashing down once I reached that intimate point. I thought sleeping with women would conquer my oneitis like so many sedditors had said. I couldn't figure out what was driving this black hole of rejection and sadness.

Summer ends and the semester starts. At this point I was a wreck, I still had feelings for her and even improving my game was making me more depressed. I was so confused. One day as I'm studying she called me and told me she wanted to see me. We were living in the same city finally, and being my AFC self, I gladly invited her over. She told me how she was still dating that guy but she had been having regrets the entire time. I was crushed by the news and I tried to be strong by pushing her away and refusing to get back with her. I told her about a girl I'd recently slept with and was starting to get to know better, and she went home shattered. The next day I got a message from her boyfriend who angrily accused me of stealing his girlfriend which I laughed at considering I could say he did the same.

She came over that night, and that's when I left my self-respect behind. I took her back. We kicked it off right away, I forgave her for everything and we went right back to our old selves. She lived at my place for an entire semester. I was so happy, it was amazing, I had gotten my second chance and my life was back on track. The depression was gone, so I stopped looking to improve myself. That's where it all went wrong. I went back to my old ways, I didn't feel the need to go out because previously the only purpose was to find women to sleep with. Things went back into motion so quickly, and she felt super guilty about what she'd done so she tried really really hard to please me all the time. This completely blinded me to my prior errors, and I reverted back to my content self, not creating any excitement, not pushing harder in school, playing a bunch of video games, just smoking with my closest friends every once in a while. She became the reason behind everything I did, and I lost sight of everything else again. It's crazy how obsessed I was. As long as we were having sex and hanging out, I didn't need anything else.

We both went back to our home town to visit family for winter break. She broke up with me a day before we went back, all her stuff was still in my place. This was a month and a half ago. Turns out she had been cheating on me with the same guy and left me for him, AGAIN. I had repeated my mistakes, and had become even more of an AFC during the time. I had gotten her back into my life, and she became a bigger crutch for self validation than ever before.

Before we'd become intimate I was a leader, confident, independent, outgoing, opinionated, smart, and willing to do anything to get what I wanted. When I finally got the opportunity with her after waiting an entire childhood though, keeping her around became more important than everything in my life before then. I lost all my other passions because I was so determined not to lose her. When she left me the first time I didn't know how to handle it, I became a mess.

I was so caught up with her, that I became a needy person and it had only got worse after spending an entire summer failing to fix it. When she came back to fix her "mistake", she found a weak beta looking for a girl to hold on to make him feel better about himself. I had completely lost everything that had attracted her to me in the first place because I let myself be defeated by what she'd done to me. I'm surprised she even lived with me as long as she did. Had I been the person I am today, she never would've even considered leaving me.

This past month and a half has been brutal. I let myself fall into the depressed state again, and it was worse than ever. I was even suicidal. I'd been browsing seddit on and off, but I wasn't myself at all. I couldn't even pull myself to go out. Women were repelled at even greater rates than ever before. I wanted to drop out of school. I was back at square one, and completely lost. At this point I decided something had to be done, I couldn't live my life being dependent on her to feel good about myself. I hated feeling so weak. Luckily I'm passionate about school, and my Computer Science professors began to send plenty of my work my way as the semester picked up. I was a complete mess still, but I kept myself busy and stopped thinking about everything else. I spent the month alone mostly, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I began going to meditation sessions to clear my head. I applied to a couple of internships, and finished my work early.

One day I tried texting her, and all I got for a reply was that she was in love with that other guy and that I needed to leave her alone. I holed myself up and cried the rest of the day like a loser. It was at that point when I broke. I went off the edge and I considered ending my life. It was drenched in tears, sobbing all alone in my bed when I realized something. My entire life everyone had been telling how intelligent I was, what a good friend I was, what a great lover I was, how much I had going for me. I didn't realize how much that had gotten to my head. It's funny how no one ever tells you how you're going to get there, they just assume you've already got it made. As if I never had to work for what I had.

Everyone always believed in me, but at the time I thought it was just something that came naturally like everything else about my life. I never understood that everyone had been talking about the strong person that I used to be. I thought it was something I was born with, not something I had earned by being the confident passionate person I had been my entire life. I was always reaching further than everyone else, working harder, and I never doubted myself. That's why I accomplished everything I did, never had trouble in any area of life, and always women around. I inspired people to better themselves, everyone was always trying to keep up and I had fun staying one step ahead. I had thrown that all away because I thought this girl was more important than myself. I had stopped my own ascent of self-improvement that had enabled me to do all the great things I've done.

Finally we get to the present. This week has been crazy. I just landed a research position with a professor at my school, and I got a potential job offer at a startup that just raised $18 million in venture capital last week. I'm 20 years old, turning 21 in two weeks, and I finally found myself again. I've reconnected with all my friends, cut my hair shorter then it's been since I was in 6th grade, and my approach anxiety is completely gone. Women everywhere have been noticing me again, and I don't have trouble talking to any girl I want at any time of day. I finally opened my eyes again and realized that I am worthy of attaining whatever I want in this world as long as I'm willing to work for it. I don't need somebody to tell me I'm going places, I KNOW that I am and I'll be damned if I let anyone stop me. I don't need any external validation anymore because I finally understand how important it is to have validation from within. I no longer need to seduce women because I have become confident enough to be myself again. All those posts about high value finally make sense to me. I've stepped foot into my natural alpha state and it feels damn good to be focused on my passions again. I've gained back my self-respect by reaching further than I ever have before, and BIG things are happening in my life because of it. I've never been more excited for the future in my entire life, and it feels incredible to be a source of inspiration for other people again. Never again will I believe somebody when they tell me I'm not good enough, because I know that's bullshit. I'm done sitting back and waiting for my life to reach that point that everyone has always talked about. I'm taking my life back right NOW.

Thank you seddit for all your wise advice and for your patience in reading this. I never could have gotten back into state if it wasn't for all of you. For all those who didn't bother reading the wall of text, learn to have faith in yourself and nothing in life is ever going to stop you. Everybody always talks about how important confidence is, but no one can teach that to you. Get out and accomplish something, you're never going to convince others that you're something worth fighting for unless you've PROVED it to yourself. Work every single day on being a better person, be healthy, and do stuff that you're truly passionate about. If you don't reach out and take what you want it's always going to pass you by. Don't stop believing in yourself, and focus on one step at a time. Go talk to that cute girl you saw on campus today, she'll never have any idea how wonderful you are unless you go and SHOW her. The way I see it, you can mope around and feel sorry for yourself or you can get off your ass and start becoming the person you've always wanted to be by working at it everyday. TRULY believe that you ARE that amazing person, and one day you won't have to tell yourself anymore, it'll be apparent in every aspect of your life. Your aura alone will begin to inspire the people around you, and the energy you radiate will attract more friends than you know what to do with. If you want to be a social person, you have to learn to just let go and be authentic. When you are genuinely satisfied with who you are, you'll never hesitate to go talk to that beautiful girl who just smiled at you from a distance because you won't be afraid anymore. No woman can ever take away your accomplishments, your intellectual passions, or your value because they all come from within. Stop feeding off other people's value, and become someone who takes joy in sharing their abundance with others. Lastly, never stop striving for more. The only limits are the ones you impose on yourself. Anything is possible if you're willing to do what it takes.