College chick foolishness

It’s Friday night and the streets are filled

With rich little fucking college pussy faggots

I’m gonna get a fucking gun

And shoot them all right in the balls

…

So like when I’m on Lansdowne and I’m looking to score

I say, “Hey baby, you wanna boogie?”

And they say, “Why don’t you buy me a drink?”

And I say, “Why I don’t tear your clothes off

And spit in your face, bitch!”

Dropkick Murphys, “Pipebomb on Lansdowne (Dance Remix)”

Much like how Chuck reads Feministing as a guilty pleasure, I’m fond of flipping through the pages of College Candy from time to time. If hilariously bad blogs were gold mines, College Candy would generate enough bullion to close the U.S. budget deficit. The site isn’t explicitly feminist like Feministing, Feministe (very original names there), Jezebel, or the other she-blogs out there, but still derives its comedy from the utter cluelessness of its contributors. A couple of recent items caught my attention because of their sheer stupidity. Join me, my readers, as we take a jaunt into the sewers of Retardation Nation.

First up, this piece introducing CC’s new column, “Ask a Dude”:

Fact: Women don’t understand men.
Fact: For the past 6 months, I’ve attempted to get some answers from some men to help all the ladies out there truly understand what the eff those turds are thinking.
Fact: After seeing a guy for two months and being “dumped” via email (where he called me the wrong name), I’m still horribly confused.

The only answer this broad needs is a slap upside the head. The reason those “turds” are screwing with you is because you sleep with them. Much like how people who try to break into popular career paths such as acting are mistreated by their superiors, the men you date treat you horribly because there are plenty of you and only a few of them, so they can get away with it. The sexual marketplace, like any marketplace, is beholden to supply and demand.

While our resident guy gave some pretty sound advice, there are so many tricky situations we women find ourselves in with men on a daily basis. Situations that can’t be summed up in some general question about dating or life or fake boobs.

So, I went on a quest to find a man who can be our voice of reason when we need him most. Like when our crush isn’t returning our calls, or, I don’t know, a guy says he loves us but wants to take the relationship back a few notches. WTF?

Tons of guys expressed interest in advising the ladies of CollegeCandy (why can’t this many dudes express interest in me!?), but I needed the perfect guy: a dude with an understanding of both men and women, a douchey past and a good-guy present. And I found him! (Unfortch, he’s taken, ladies.) He’ll be answering your questions weekly, so if you’ve got something you’re dying to figure out – and your girlfriends don’t know what they’re talking about – send ‘em over to [REDACTED]. Our dude will give it to you straight, no matter how much it hurts.

Any guy who would pass muster for a squishy, estrogenized website like College Candy would have to be lacking in the testicle department. Skedaddle over to the website and take a look at their “dude” to see what I mean. Don’t you just want to punch that jackass in the face? He looks exactly like the “rich fucking college pussy faggots” that clog the streets of Albany every weekend night, crowding the bars, embarrassing themselves with their weak-ass game, and making it harder for guys like myself to get with their nubile lady classmates.

But it gets better. Take a look at the answers “the Dude” gives to this chick’s questions:

What is one thing that all girls need to know about men?

The Dude: That men are only as complicated as women make them. Although I’d like to say that I’m a deep and thoughtful guy, it pretty much goes without saying that I think about one thing all the time…nothing. If I am at work, carrying out a task, eating a burger, or having sex…that is exactly what I’m thinking about. There is no deeper meaning, there is no analysis of my day, and there is no perfectly meditated intent behind my actions. Frankly, we’re just that simple.

Well, actually, he gets this one right. But he’ll screw up – I know he will.

What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a lady?

The Dude: I wish I could say that a long list of tender, considerate moments are running through my (ever understanding) mind, but unfortunately, I was either too broke, too drunk, or too into the latest football game to ever truly sweep a chick of her feet. However, I have found that the most romantic thing a guy can do is to pay attention to the little things that really matter to a woman. For example, although past girlfriends have loved big gestures involving diamonds and various trips to Jared, my lady prefers an ice cold latte, trashy tabloid magazine, and two dudes named Ben & Jerry.

See, what did I tell ya? The most romantic thing a man can do for a woman is keep her enthralled with him, namely by having game. If you buy expensive gifts for your girl, you’re a grade-A sucker and you’re setting yourself up to be dumped. And this guy’s current girlfriend likes Ben & Jerry? Who wants to bet she has more rolls then a bakery?

What’s the douchiest thing you’ve ever done to a woman?

The Dude: Here is where my long list comes into play. After much thought (and an extensive selection process), I’ve narrowed it down to the following douchy incident. A few years back, I put a ton of time (and dinner at pretentious restaurants) into a girl I was into, but moved to Europe shortly after things started getting serious. Although I was abroad for a year, I kept things burning with the (faithful and loyal) girlfriend stateside, while actually taking in more than just the local culture (if you know what I mean.) Even worse, I broke up with her within 5 minutes of returning home.

Guys, don’t ever go on dinner dates. There is no woman alive worth three hours and a hundred dollars worth of food. “The Dude” just disqualified himself from giving any advice aside from how to be a beta. As for screwing foreign hotties while on vacation, isn’t that part of the fun of traveling?

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about women?

The Dude: Alright, time for me to redeem myself from my supremely douchy past. Here is what I know about women: no matter how deep under the surface it may be…all women love to be loved. They want someone to adore and care for them (without playing games or going behind their back). They love talking about love, they love analyzing love with their friends, they love reading books and watching (occasionally tolerable) movies about love, they love pretending they don’t need love, they love hating love… You get my point? It’s one of the most endearing and amazing things about women, and why men are so mesmerized by them.

And we have officially reached the critical mass of ass. Women “want someone to adore and care for them?” If you believe that, then you deserve to come home after work and find your blushing bride giving a hummer to some tattooed asshole she met in a meat bar. And “men are so mesmerized by [women]” because they “love to be loved”? You’ve earned a second punch to the face for that one. Men are “mesmerized” by hot women because they make our groin-soldiers stand at attention, and nothing more.

Why do you want to do this column?

The Dude: To put it bluntly (and would I ever put it any other way?), I am unbelievably sick of women taking, toting and living by advice about men…that was written by women. Whether it’s women’s magazines, your friends or (though you try to deny) your frequent calls to your mother, advice about men is rarely about men, it’s about what women think about men. And to be honest, men just don’t think that much.

Given that you’re one scrotamectomy away from being a woman, “Dude,” your advice isn’t going to be any better.

See? Isn’t he perfect? He knows us and he knows us well. Now send him some questions, dammit!

“Perfect[ly]” catering to your prejudices and insecurities, sweetcheeks. And people wonder why female-targeted dating advice is so goddamn useless.

The second article I came across is by some chick who is single, sexless, and not happy:

My roommate has recently entered a relationship with a really hot, sexy Puerto Rican guy. As a result she has been having lots of hot, sexy sex. And as a result of this, I have been hearing every detail about it.

“I got an alpha male and you don’t! Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah!” And “hot, sexy sex”? As opposed to un-hot, unsexy sex?

Being open beyond acceptable social norms, this doesn’t bug me. But while we were out recently and had one too many beers (hey, at 2 bucks a pitcher, I’m only being economical at this point), she made a comment that kind of got my wheels turning.

“Gosh. I wish you were having tons of sex too so we could freaking exchange stories already.”

And here I thought the point of sex was to have an orgasm and possibly make babies.

Pause.

What?!

“Hello, my whole ‘thing’ is that I’m okay with being single. Who the eff are you to tell me that I need a man to be happy? Also, I think you should have to pay more rent this month cause you have just severely offended me. Jerk.” I stuck my (angry) face in the pitcher and took a gulp.

She grabbed the pitcher from me, splashing Keystone all over my face, and responded calmly. “I never said I wanted you to get a boyfriend. I said I wanted you to have lots of sex. You don’t need a boyfriend for that.”

Boys, we have a potential fuckbuddy on our hands! The world needs “good time girls,” and I encourage all of them to turn themselves out as soon as possible so we guys know who to avoid for anything more than a night of ass-slapping, hair-yanking, no-strings-attached sex.

Oh. Right. I forgot that little tiny detail. Because while I believe that you can have fun, fulfillment, enjoyment, and close personal relationships without romantic relationships…I have always been on the fence over whether or not you should have sex.

I’ve never thought it was wrong to have sex without being in a relationship. Look, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore; you don’t need someone’s letterman jacket before you crawl into the backseat of his Mustang. And while I’d never consider sleeping with seven anonymous strangers in a night, I will admit there are some (okay, a BILLION) gray areas between anonymity and monogamy. If you know the person is safe, and you know you can handle it emotionally, do you really have to be in a relationship to have sex? (And at any rate, shouldn’t physical and emotional safety be things you check up on even in a relationship?)

Do you have to be in a relationship to get it on? No, not really. Thing is, too many one-night stands and flings and eventually the only thing men will want you for is one-night stands and flings. If spending the rest of your years cleaning your cats’ litterboxes and taking Valtrex appeals to you, then by all means, ignore what I have to say.

But, I’ve just always wondered if casual sex could be as fulfilling.

While I tend to actively ignore most societal standards, I like to be aware of them. My guy friends seemed to almost unanimously agree that you didn’t need to be in a relationship to be having fulfilling sex. (Some of them even offered to help me find out for myself. Oh, how kind.)  The female counterparts seemed more divided on the issue; some of my girlfriends told me as long as you make sure he’s not a creep and he wraps his tool, sex is sex. It is a natural human need, and you don’t need a relationship to fulfill it.

“Societal standards?” Oh, screw you. Being a slut in modern America is like being a drunk at an AA meeting – it’s expected. You’re not being subversive by climbing up on top of dozens of dudes’ dongs. You’re not striking a blow against the Man. You’re not a rebel. You’re as common as dog shit in a public park.

And others insisted to me that the boyfriend label makes it magically better, since there is more trust, comfort, and emotion. Hey, thanks for doing absolutely nothing to help my confusion, guys.

From a purely logical standpoint (and we know how well those work in relationships, right?), I guess sex could be completely separated from relationships. Look, it’s something we all wanna do, and we’re gonna do it one way or another. We also live in a generation where commitment has become something of an urban myth, and it’s kind of sucky if we’re expected to live like nuns just because someone won’t become Facebook official with us. On the other hand, we can’t deny that for most people, sex is a very emotional thing. Even if there are no strings attached, things can still manage to get all tangled (and I’m not taking about body parts).

Commitment is “an urban myth” because skanks made it that way. No one wants to pay full price (marry) or even half-price (relationship) for a broken-down clunker (slut).

Right now, considering I’m not getting any, the idea of sex outside of a relationship is looking pretty, pretty good. But I just don’t know where I stand (lay?) on the topic. I guess I’ll have plently of time to mull it over during this little dry spell drought.

If you’re a woman and you can’t get any, you have failed as a human being. Unless you’re disgustingly overweight, unfathomably ugly, or both, getting a crotch rocket to lay waste to your seedy underbelly is as easy as walking out the door each morning. And if you’re so addicted to dick that you worry about not getting any, you should seek professional help before you do something that will lower your sexual market value. Ladies reading this, if you are a hot, lovely co-ed who is currently single, dial 1-800-BARDAMU and I’ll fix your problem right quick. BYOB.

But the stupidity doesn’t stop there. Here’s a sampling of truly deluded comments:

i think the whole attachment after sex is bullshit. there’s attachment because you initially felt an attraction, that led to sex. there might even be a bigger desire because you might feel that you “lost” him now that you two had a one night stand. that being said, i’d say random sex is crappy just because of the quality – there’s usually a lot of alcohol involved and the guy doesn’t have any obligations to you

Apparently this chick never heard of oxytocin.

ok, in college, everyone is a dirty skankin whore.. but when that’s all over and done with, you find someone that means more to you and who you can agree to not be a dirty skankin whore with.

and it’s all good. seriously!

YOU are your worst critic!

have fun and live loud WHILE YOU CAN! you know, before you have babies, a husband, and a full time job.

No, honey, it’s NOT all good. No dude worth a damn is going to marry or have a long-term relationship with a chick whose vagina has seen more action then a war vet.

Whoa, slow down Ashley. We are not all in agreement that all girls who are “hyper-sexual” as you call it were sexually abused. I’m astonished you are shallow enough to believe that. It’s so laughably fake that I’m tempted to think you’re just posting that comment as a joke.

The reason people think there’s something wrong with a girl who actually wants to have sex is because people like you are always telling us that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s not genetics – it’s society. I’m highly insulted that you’re saying sexual desires (a.k.a. actually having feelings instead of being a completely composed, unfeeling doll with boobs) means I had to have been sexually abused as a child. Stop spreading your vicious, shallow lies around.

Wanting to have sex != being a cockoholic. Whenever you hear a chick using this line of argument, know that she’s in all probability a hosebag. Bring your industrial strength rubbers and don’t forget to delete her number in the morning.

And so ends this journey into the minds of college girls, the future of America. God help us all.