I Broke The Second Date Rule

Badger Nation asked me a few days back in a comment about me breaking The Second Date Rule with Jennifer when I stopped being an Evangelical Christian and became an Atheist. The Second Date Rule being “if I just saw behavior like that on the second date, would I have ever had a third date with this person?”

The answer to that question is yes indeed I did very much break the second date rule. I more than broke it, I shattered it. I had been sent off to a private Christian school at age 7 and converted to an Evangelical faith at age 16. I started work for The Bible Society in New Zealand at age 20 and quit a year later to work on a summer camp in Maryland. Viki, one of my new American friends on the camp liked my perspective on discipleship as a teaching strategy. Being unstoppable in personality, Viki convinced her college Chaplain to let me come and teach a weekend discipleship retreat in conjunction with the college chapel.

So at age 21 and my religious faith peaking, I taught two days worth of sessions to a smallish group of people at the college. Jennifer sat front and center with her eyes shining up at me for the entire thing. After the teaching weekend was done, I had another six or so days left in America before my flight back to New Zealand so I stayed on the campus sleeping on the dorm room floor with two of the guys I had taught. In a very Christ-like way I broke up Jennifer and her boyfriend…

After that it was back to New Zealand for me and I grieved what could have been if we were in the same country. I was still moping about when a few months later Jennifer sent me a care package and it was on between us and has been ever since. Three years later Viki was Jennifer’s maid of honor and the college Chaplain married us. We started our new life together and all was well. But during those three years apart, I had thought a great deal more about faith and had started to not merely have questions, but really probing struggles with things. I had made an active choice not to do something like a Bible College and completed my Sociology degree instead. My concern was that if I ever lost my faith, a Bible College diploma would be useless towards employment.

Sometime in the first year of our marriage I became totally disenchanted with Christianity, I don’t mean to sidetrack this post with the “why”, please just accept that it did. My church attendance dropped off and eventually it stopped.

The worst thing was telling Jennifer. I really wasn’t sure what would happen to us. Obviously she knew something was up with me because I wasn’t attending church and I purposefully picked up Sunday shifts to avoid the issue. Plus at that point if we divorced I wasn’t yet at the two year mark for applying for citizenship and I’d lose my Visa and likely be deported. So telling her the truth was a huge risk, but an honest one.

When I told her, she completely broke down and just sobbed. Not crying, just anguished sobbing into my chest and I cried too for her pain. I believe I did the right thing, I had never lied about my questioning belief and she knew about it, but she had hope that I would resolve them in favor of having faith. I’d gone from someone that shone with faith and had taught her, to someone that simply didn’t believe. I very much hurt her in that moment.

What happened after that was going to be 100% up to Jennifer. I had done nothing purposely wrong, but I accepted the blame as the party in the wrong. I answered all her questions, I supported her going to church, I never spoke badly of her faith, I didn’t try and convert her to Atheism despite a huge desire to do so. The only thing I didn’t do was attend church with her. Otherwise I made no changes in my behavior, I stayed faithful to her and was a good husband.

Thankfully I have a very forgiving wife. It was awkward for a number of months, but ultimately I didn’t sprout horns and turn nasty on her. Truthfully I am a kinder, happier, calmer, relaxed and more engaged person for being an Atheist; I became a better man for my change. If she had relentlessly hounded me and hated me for being Atheist, ultimately I would have left her in sorrow, but she stayed to me the same sweet girl I knew.

Somehow we just muddled through. We got a house together, we had a kid. She was promoted several times, I did nursing school. We had another kid and fixed up the house. When we baptized the kids I was absolutely against it, but never said a word and went to church to keep the peace. When her family say grace at family meals I scrunch up inside and hate it, but I never say a word and keep the peace; even in my own house.

Over time things have changed on Jennifer’s end as well. Her religious position has softened greatly and her church attendance is minimal now too, that’s all I have a right to say about her belief. I devoted myself to us and raising our kids. I’ve worked for a non-profit with the developmentally disabled as a nurse for the better part of 15 years. I’m not a believer in God or the Bible, but for a lack of a better word, my life has been “Christian”. Writing this blog I’ve had several people mistakenly believe that I am a believer in God simply because I’m helpful, family orientated and not cheating on my wife. I just take it as a compliment and enjoy their surprise when I do the reveal.

But by the same token, while I stopped believing in God in 1995, I didn’t publicly “come out” as an Atheist out of respect for Jennifer until 2010. It hurt sometimes along the way, but I always wanted to make sure I made it to the third date.

The thing I miss the most about being in church is the preaching. I love public speaking and I love teaching. I love communicating and helping. I’m quite aware that what I’m doing now with the blog is nearly exactly what I was doing twenty years ago, but with different content. I do have goals for this thing I’m doing beyond books…

…I want to look down into the front row and see her eyes shining up at me.