Skeletons In The Sexual History Closet

One of the things that I believe is important in choosing a wife is her having an as uncomplicated as possible sexual history. I also believe that this is important for the man too. For Jennifer and myself that mutual uncomplicated history is part of what eroticises our marriage – we get to go to bed with our first partner each night still. But we met young and got it together quickly, so we’re a little unusual in that respect. Most people have some sort of sexual history prior to their marriage.

The question is though, how much of that sexual history do you reveal to each other before you get married?The obvious concern being that if you tell your fiance something really gnarly they might just freak out and cancel the wedding.

What you tell your fiance will boil down to three categories of truthiness. (1) Reasonable approximations of the truth, (2) lies, and (3) oh shit why did I do that.

(1) Reasonable approximations of the truth would read like a sexual resume where you state your sexual relationship history. So you as a potential wife might say something like:  “From 2004 to 2007 I was with Adam, we broke up at Christmas because he wouldn’t marry me. 2008 I was just kind of a mess and didn’t see anyone apart from a three month mistake with Bill. 2009-2010 I was with Colin, but he cheated on me repeatedly so I broke it off. After that I met you!”

You don’t need to reveal the exact details of the high and low points of the sex with them. Like you cheated on Adam with his best friend for a bit in 2005 but it never got discovered. Bill was married. Colin could make you squirt.

(2) Lies.  Your actual number is 24. Roughly. Not counting just oral… so you say “I’ve had sex with five guys.” That’s Adam, Bill, Colin and two little fling things in college. Oh six… your old high school boyfriend looked you up on Facebook in 2008 and you got together again. No sparks for you, but he was really into it. “The sex was terrible.”

Having a high partner count is damaging to your value as a potential wife, so obviously you have to lie and say six. No.. actually say seven. Just leave the seventh guy as undefined because “it’s just too embarrassing”. That way if someone shows up again in the future and lets slip they had you, you can turn bright red and play the “seven card”. Excellent plan girlfriend, you owe you a margarita for thinking that one up.

(3) Oh shit why did I do that… this is stuff that will possibly be found out during the marriage, that will probably end the marriage or at the very least cause a major relationship crisis. This stuff you need to disclose before things progress further toward the altar. I say this not only because it’s the right thing to do, but because if your relationship implodes because of your lack of disclosure, that affects you.

Some possible issues to disclose…

Any history of sexual diseases. Repeat, any history. They almost all lead to potential infertility issues, especially if you have had multiple STDs in your history. After revealing this, it’s a trip to the GYN doc together to discuss the likelihood of her having children. If he wants kids and it comes out later that your uterus looks like hamburger because of the prior STDs, you can see how that would be a problem. This is need to know information.

Added to the above, any incurable sexual diseases need to be disclosed. And yes, I do need to say that because some people are just evil and don’t say it.

Sex work. Whether it’s that you did porn, stripping or prostitution, that needs to be disclosed. It will find a way to pop back into your life somehow. Far better he knows now, rather than finds out then.

Prior sexual abuse. This one is really awkward for me to talk about because I feel like I’m victimizing the victim again, but I feel I have to go there anyway. In 10-15% of the email I get from men in sexless marriages, the men are married to a woman that had been either raped or sexually abused at some point prior to him. Once married the typical pattern is that their sex life ends extremely quickly, save a few bursts of her sexual interest to become pregnant, before lapsing into nothing again. This is not what the guy signs up for. Sexual abuse and rape is not an automatic rule out of contention, but sexual abuse trauma needs to be dealt with before entering into a lifetime sexual agreement.

Prior pregnancies and their outcomes. Again it’s one of those “Does your uterus look like hamburger?” questions. Did you adopt out? Abort? Miscarriage? These events are major and are a large part of your sexual make up. He needs to know that.

In addition to these sexual history things, it’s best to disclose major non-sexual potential issues as well. Things like a criminal history, major debt, illegal alien status, mental illness all should be discussed.

So yes indeed, disclosure may well take your relationship down now, but at least it only messes you up rather than messes both of you up in the future… and if you actually love him enough to marry him… love him enough to tell him the truth.

And of course all this applies just as well to the guys disclosing the “oh shit why did I do that” stuff to their fiances too. Like you currently have someone else pregnant yada yada yada.

And for the easily offended… yes indeed I do think you should evaluate potential spouses on their ability to push a kid out or get one started. Your mom’s all agree with me too. That’s why they do that baby photo routine with anyone you bring home that they approve of. You being a healthy baby being a fabulous genetic advertisement.