Reader Story: Let’s Get Physical

Hi Athol,

I wanted to share 2 small,but significant, things that happened over the past couple of weeks.  I send this to you because I you seem to be interested in real-world “field notes” and experiences of those of us who are trying to utilize the MAP.

Episode 1:  As I’m changing after a shower following a hard-core workout…

Her out of the blue:  “So how does it feel to be sexier than me?”

Me: A bit stunned.  “What does that mean?”

Her: “Well now that you’re ripped you are sexier than me.  You used to be so skinny and I was pretty hot.  Now you’ve got these muscles and I have some pounds to lose…you just look better and have become sexier than me…”

This blew me away because I never knew she actually perceived us in that way.  Both in the past and now as well.   And clearly she is feeling a sex rank shift…at least in a physical sense.

I can’t agree more with what you have said many times before: if you do nothing else,  start eating better and get into shape.  That alone will give you so much confidence and make you “sexier”.

Me:  Teasing my teenage daughter…..

Teenage daughter joking/teasing back: “Dad, I feel like I don’t even know you anymore”

Me replying Game-ly: “Ha, I don’t know who I am anymore either!”

Wife overhearing this conversation adding a bit cautiously:  “I don’t know who you are these days either!”

She said it jokingly but we both knew she meant it somewhat as well.

The first thing that struck me here was your post about destabilizing a relationship just a bit.  Apparently, the changes I have been making really are getting through to her and she is just not sure what to make of it.  I KNOW its making her a bit nervous.  Its a bit scary to me also as the older (more beta) way was much more predictable – but full of all the usual negative consequences.

I will add that while the sex is getting better (not where I want it yet but improving), its actually our overall relationship that is getting much better and stronger.  She’s always been a very strong, almost dominant personality and my changes over the past few years (but especially over the last half a year or so) have SLOWLY been whittling that away.  She is now deferring to me more, cozying into me (almost melting into me) as close as she can get at night, coming to me for virtually all decisions, etc…  It has been a slow but tangible change.  Often I’m scared shitless myself as we assume these new, different roles.  But I’m also extremely excited about the future.  They key so far has been slow steady change, patience, persistence and growing some balls.

Athol:  Giggty giggty giggty, allllllright.