A female fan/secret crush from Canada (she’s cute and funny) who goes by the commenter handle finefantastic painted this portrait of me from a photo I e-mailed her which she had requested:
The painting that shouted love at the heart of the world. I adore it. I look like I’m simultaneously about to assassinate a world leader and waiting for my Russian lover as she runs across Red Square toward me to leap into my arms.
I thought about how much heart it has to take to do something like this, each brush stroke a declaration of love, and how you probably couldn’t find a single woman in DC who would do something similar for her man, and about all the women complaining bitterly of men who are players and only interested in pumping and dumping them, and I had a moment of clarity.
Women, if you want the man you love to commit to you or even marry you, I suggest you read on.
Here it is, my four-point plan for women who want to get their boyfriends to marry them:
- Be cute.
- Don’t be a slut.*
- Look up at his face when you are giving him his twice-daily blowjob.
- Paint a portrait of him.**
If you are a woman who follows these four steps you will melt even the stoniest, coldest, most pragmatically calculating heart. A man who won’t make a deeper commitment to you after you cherish him with my four-point program is a man who is lying to himself by being with you.
So ladies, the gauntlet is thrown. Bust a move.
***
*where “slut” means blatantly flirting with other guys and giving off non-stop sexually available vibes when in the company of other men. not to mention sleeping around.
**to avoid obsessive stalker designation, don’t paint his portrait before the second date. surprise him with it after a few months together and watch the passion inflame anew.
PS: Finefantastic also did the Roissy Guevara portrait you can now see on my “About” page. Viva la revolucion del amor!
