Let’s face it, Toronto is pretty much New York City’s bitch, so finding something unique to tell about the city requires superb powers of observation and a fresh, unspoiled perspective. Luckily, you have me.
The trip began with my usual flair. Airport security confiscated my Astroglide (I always travel prepared for any eventuality). Apparently, any liquid over 8 ounces is not permitted on the plane. The security guy was very professional about it. Obviously, he has had to dispose of a lot of adult products. There was a mother with children standing next to me at the X-ray machine who watched the whole time. I smiled at her and winked.
The cleanest-looking beggar I’ve ever seen. DC’s bums shame this guy. I figured he was putting himself into character for a drama school project, but he seemed really out of it. I wanted to verbally abuse him, but my heart wasn’t in it, so all I could muster was “Uh, you… suck?”. I asked him to insult me, instead. He wanly smiled. I gave him a loonie.
There are cool, funky vintage clothing shops all over Toronto. In this respect, DC is clearly beat. Everyone dresses better in Toronto. Fashion is taken seriously, even by the poor college students who manage to look good with a patchwork of inexpensive styles from shops like this one. The downside is that you will have a harder time standing out if you pride yourself on your peacocking.
Inside the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum). In the background is Toronto’s douchiest club, Lobby.
Toronto’s women are on average half a point higher on the looks scale than DC’s women, but the biggest difference is noticeable at the right tail. The top 10% in Toronto absolutely blows away the top 10% in DC. I don’t know why this is. It’s not just the better fashion sense, though that helps. The women there have more beautiful faces than the women living in the free world’s capital city. Despite there being far fewer blacks, there are more asian-white and white-unknown multiracial couples in Toronto. This may explain some of the beauty disparity as it is widely theorized that multiracial couples are hot, but then Toronto’s 100% white blonde blue eyed princesses were hotter than DC’s Georgetown princesses, so the conclusion has to be reached that DC women cannot compete on the international stage.
If you are a fat American, you should stay close to home. The culture shock of being the only disgusting blob in a city of slender people will fill you with a burning shame you never feel in the US where you are comfortably surrounded and ensconced (literally) by millions of your blobby compatriots. Better yet, we should create an anti-fat government program that sends every fat American to a foreign city (except London where they are getting just as fat) so that they experience the cold eyes and sneering contempt of thin beautiful people everywhere they go. Shame is a powerful motivator.
“You are captivated by my armpit pheromones, oui? Smell zee French!”
We went to the Justice concert at club Circa and in the hallway leading to the main dancefloor there was this chick in a room behind a glass wall doing a Cruella De Vil impersonation. Supremely cheesy, but I liked it. I pressed my face against the glass and licked it. She fell for my charm and wrote her number on a piece of paper, holding it up to the glass.
The trolleys… excuse me, *streetcars*… in Toronto are great. The city wants to get rid of them because the rails get iced all the time in the winter, slowing down traffic, but I think they should keep them. They’re convenient and good at rocking you to sleep, so you get to see guys like this blissfully unconscious, even with scalding coffee in his crotch. The coffee cup never moved.
Fritz Helder at Strangelove. It was a video launch party for his new song “Lagerfeld Lady”. It actually wasn’t bad for the genre, if you like electropop. I complimented him on his lime green jeans and flattering imitation of Prince. I don’t think the Asian guy did anything in this band, but he was integral somehow.
*Everyone* in the Justice crowd was either rolling, snorting, sparking it up, or all three. Drug enforcement is practically non-existent in Toronto. You can smoke a joint on the sidewalk in the middle of the day with a cop car parked a block away. Or so I’ve heard.
Smelly, hairy Frenchmen with groupies. It’s all about game, gentlemen. And DJing, the art of making music out of other artists’ music. That’s how you make it right!
She went up behind one of the Justice guys (the gray hoodie dude on the left is blocking him) and started dry humping him. Points for style and humor. He didn’t notice.
Remember, hate is not the opposite of love. The world secretly yearns to take America’s giant cock up its collective ass and moan with submissive pleasure.
Tommy Boy was filmed here. One of the great American classics. “You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?” The Distillery District in Toronto hosts a lot of Hollywood movie productions. They even film gritty New York City scenes here, like the one in Cinderella Man, because it evokes the charming American cities of early 20th century. But they have to grit it up by tossing bags of garbage in the alley before filming, to get the feel right.
The useless toy dog plague is a worldwide phenomenon. There is no escape. I’m beginning to think the Koreans have the right idea.
You want to step up your closing game? Buy some professional photographer’s equipment, like giant flash lighting and an impressive camera, and direct your party guests for picture-taking, paying extra attention to how the hot girls are posing and gently moving their arms and head in place to perfect the shot. Another thing that might help: Start a career as a fashion photographer. Sweet Jesus.
My overall impression of the locals: Everyone is exceedingly polite and unfriendly. Sounds paradoxical, but it’s true. They say “excuse me” and “sorry” a lot, and will always answer any question you have, but they never smile or strike up conversations with anyone. Even couples walking together seemed to be on two different planets. Crime is low. Six months of killing winter frost puts the kibosh on that.
If you go there to pick up women, don’t expect any fools’ mates. Chicks simply do not check out guys. Stone-faced and looking straight ahead is the order of the day. They are as chilly as the climate. I was told Toronto men never approach women and most have zero game, so how anybody hooks up is a mystery. Intimate social circles where men and women just sorta kinda fall into each others’ genitalia must be the default mating method.
Many top PUAs hail from Toronto. A disproportionate number, really. I wondered why this was so. I now have a theory based on the people there. When girls give you NO approach invitations at all, you have to assume all of them love you, and go in strong. Waiting around forever for eye contact is a fruitless endeavor. Since these chicks are cosmopolitan and don’t get sloppy garbage-hour drunk like American chicks, your game has to be tight; any hint of cheesiness or awkwardness will send them running. Plus, when the local guys make no effort to game women, the rewards for the enterprising PUA are greater. You can stand out a lot more in Toronto as an assertive man than you could in DC, where every douche and his little douchey brother get some liquid courage and boost even the fat girls’ egos, and where the pickup scene is more widespread.
Next city: Warsaw.
