Here’s what Men need to know.

Readership: All
Theme: Boundaries
Author’s Note: This post collates and expands my earlier comments here and here.
Length: 1,000 words
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Boundaries are absolutely necessary.  A few things I’ve learned…

  1. You need hard personal Boundaries for everyone, including those you date.  You need to make your Boundaries very clear with women.  You need to discuss them explicitly and clearly with anyone you date with any seriousness.  You need to understand these Boundaries and have that discussion long before you marry.
  2. Understand that you have every right to have whatever Boundaries you want, with whomever you want.  You are not wrong, bad, immoral, sick, or evil for having Boundaries and wanting things from your relationships. Remember that you are one-half of the relationship. Women are not the only ones who get to have Boundaries and Expectations. You have every right to these things, but you are the only one who can get them for yourself.
  3. Express Boundaries up front at the beginning of a relationship.  It is much harder to put down new Boundaries with someone you’re already in a relationship with than it is to express them beforehand.  It is much harder to move prior Boundaries after a relationship is formed to prevent another from engaging in conduct they used to freely engage in.  It is much harder to say, “Hey, yeah…  That thing you used to say / do to me?  That’s no longer acceptable to me and I won’t let you say / do that thing anymore.”
  4. Decide what the consequences are for crossing a Boundary.  Then, you need to make clear to the other person what those consequences will be for crossing your Boundaries.  Again, that discussion must be held before marriage.
  5. If the Boundary is crossed you must impose and enforce the consequences.  No exceptions.  Boundaries are useless if there are no consequences for violating them.  If she crosses a hard Boundary and you said the consequence would be a breakup or divorce, then you break up or divorce.  No exceptions.  Be a man of your word, even when it’s difficult.  If you are not willing to impose a consequence and enforce it hard, then don’t put down that Boundary.
  6. Be prepared to end a relationship over violated Boundaries.  Chances are, you may very well have to do this many times in your life.  In fact, you’ve probably done it before, you just didn’t call it that.  Most people have ended relationships over violated Boundaries and/or repeated failures to meet Expectations.  It’s always better to end a bad relationship sooner rather than later after you’ve invested your ego, emotions, energies, money, resources, and time.  You only have one life to live.  Don’t waste it on people who don’t appreciate you.
  7. Closely related to Boundaries is the concept of Expectations.  Most men have sexual and other Expectations for a relationship / marriage.  All the above Rules apply equally to Expectations.  You have to make your Expectations clear.  You have every right to your Expectations.  You must discuss your Expectations (especially sexual Expectations) explicitly before marriage.  You must set down and impose consequences for failing to meet them.  You must realize it will be much more difficult to set down new Expectations than to enforce old ones.  You will probably have to end relationships over repeated failures to meet Expectations.
  8. Understand that if you do NOT set down Boundaries and Expectations, others will either (a) correctly decide that you have no Boundaries / Expectations and treat you accordingly; OR (b) they will set down Boundaries / Expectations for you and treat you accordingly.  Moreover, IF you do NOT set down Boundaries and Expectations, others will treat you however they want, and it will NOT be in ways you want.
  9. Boundaries with Women are necessarily different from those with Men.
    A. Most men have much the same Boundaries with each other.  But Boundaries with women all depend on whether, and how much, she is truly yours. As such, Boundaries need to be designed to draw her under your domain of authority and/or keep her there. It’s up to her whether she wants to submit or not, but either way, you must provide the structure that would allow her the choice.
    B.  Boundaries between men are much more easily identified and implicitly understood than those between men and women.  A man cannot assume that a woman will read, interpret, and respond to his Boundaries in the same way he could expect of a man.
    C.  Men are rational, direct communicators; women are NOT and they seldom get down to the point, so you need to be proactive in doing that.
    D.  All men understand that a violated Boundary brings with it the possibility of losing the relationship or even violence.  Women are oblivious to this reality.  They may not even care.
    (Pro Tip: Some women respond well to bold, decisive authority, while others see this as being heavy handed and over the top. Know which one is your natural style, and which type of woman you’re dealing with.)
    (Expert Pro Tip: Women are likely to be indignant and self-defensive, and may therefore attempt to give false or misleading signals to conceal their true emotional response.)
  10. All the above Rules about Boundaries and Expectations are for non-Chads.  If you’re Chad, these conversations and conflicts never happen, because both he and she know that he can easily replace her.  All Chad has to do is walk out the door and next her.  Today, non-Chads are much less likely to have Boundaries or express them to women because p_ssy makes men stupid.  Most men put up with women’s BS because they want female companionship and sex.  Men need to master this aspect of themselves and make their Boundaries and Expectations clear, and then leave when (not IF, but WHEN) she violates those Boundaries.  Chads don’t have to do this.  Chad’s very existence expresses Boundaries and Expectations.  This isn’t fair, but that’s how life is.
    (Pro Tip:  If you have to employ a bunch of Boundaries with a woman and constantly defend them, then she’s not sexually attracted to you.)

So there’s my idea of Boundaries.  Nutshell.

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