How A Patriarchal social structure works.

Readership: All
Targeted Readership: Young single Christian men
Theme: Community
Author’s Note: This essay is based on a discussion under Which Churches have Sold Out? (2024/8/24)
Length: 1,800 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes

Introduction

It’s hard to find a church or community that encourages girls to stay chaste and marry young. It is rarer still to find one in which fathers are included in, or central to the courtship process. But as noted in the previous post, even if a supporting family, community, and patriarchal structure are present, young people need proper and truthful teaching about male and female nature, how to behave, what to do, what to expect, and what to look for.

Jax joined a church that appears to be rather patriarchal in structure, if not in teaching, and he has run into some challenges inherent in a Patriarchal system.  The pastor advised him that if he’s interested in a young woman, he should first talk to her father about it, or as the pastor said, “date her father.” This pastor also expressed the idea that men are the initiators and children are subject to their parents, especially if they are still living at home, so therefore you need to get her father’s blessing.

Jax was confused, frustrated, and a little suspicious of all this, not knowing how things ‘work’ or what to expect. He felt like he was “jumping through hoops” — expected to put on a good show and be a “dancing monkey”, but NOT for the girl — for the girl’s father and the church community.

The good men at Σ Frame told him that this is to be expected in a Patriarchal system and that his chances are probably better than he thinks.  I’ll explain why below.  A lot of online proponents of Patriarchy don’t talk about these things. They probably don’t even realize these challenges exist.

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Patriarchal Involvement

The father’s involvement is important for the following reasons.

  1. It is well known that women are strongly attracted to celebrities, Ch@ds, criminals, dark triads, jerks, high SMV men, etc. But women are also attracted to men chosen for them by leaders (her father / parents / pastors in this case). There is an element of faith and trust, and a larger sense of purpose and social integration that changes the context in which the man and the relationship itself is viewed. The fem-logic goes something like, “If I can’t have the leader, the next best satisfaction is to have a man chosen for me by the leader.” This is one reason why arranged marriages ‘work’.
  2. Daughters are much more likely to seriously consider men recommended by their fathers.
  3. One very important green flag in vetting a woman for marriage is that she should have a good relationship with her father. Going through her father almost guarantees that you’ll get a girl who’s on good terms with her dad. Even if she’s NOT on good terms with daddy, but if she likes the man her father introduces to her — enough to marry him — then this creates a venue in which her relationship with her father is likely to mend. Either way, this tends to filter out girls who are disrespectful to men / hostile to male authority / feminist / rebellious / etc.
  4. Dealing with a clear-headed, decision-making man who is conscientious about the longitudinal outcome is much easier, more efficient, safer, and conclusive than dealing directly with a whimsical woman. ‘Conclusive’ means you’ll get a clear yes or no decision rather quickly. There’s no time wasted in guessing, wooing, and wondering.
  5. If you can make a good impression on a girl’s father and establish good rapport with him, then your foot is in the door. If the girl also likes you, then you are in like Jim.
  6. Being accepted by her father up front streamlines the process of integrating yourself into her family. It’ll be much more likely that you’ll be included in major family decisions, business dealings, investments, property distributions, and inheritances.
  7. If a church / community respects fathers’ authority over their daughters, then it’s more likely that the church will respect your authority over your wife and family in the future.
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How to Navigate a Patriarchal Structure

Patriarchy places a lot of demands on men.  (It places demands on women too, but men definitely don’t get off the hook.)  Here’s how it works.

  1. Male performance is just as important as it is in the secular SMP, if not more so.
  2. A man has to establish himself as a valuable contributing member of the church / community.  (See Case Study below.)
  3. It is assumed that men seeking marriage should be self-aware, mature in character, making good progress in a career (or else show promise of doing so in the future), and actually be ready for marriage.  If he is not, then he will receive a lot of attention and discipline intended to push him in that direction.  This means that if a man expresses an intention to marry a girl in the church / community, and the elders feel he is not ready, then they will make demands of him and set up a series of ‘hoops’ for him to jump through.  This should not be taken as a passive-aggressive rejection, but as an acceptance conditional upon his performance and progress.  (See Case Study below.)
  4. Church elders have a responsibility to instruct, discipline, guide, and mentor young men and gr00m them for marriage.  This is often hard work for both elders and young men.  (See Case Study below.)
  5. You have to take both the long view and the community-wide view to see things properly. If you don’t have a solid Christian, Patriarchal, and/or ‘accepted’ view of things, you will fall under scrutiny and suspicion and be stonewalled.  For example, “jumping through hoops” is better regarded as a system of checks and training to ensure that the man is capable of carrying the significant responsibilities of being a husband, father, and an up-and-coming future patriarch in the family / church / community.  This discipline is good for everyone involved. But if you see it as an annoying and time-consuming obstacle, or you express bitterness, doubts, or frustrations with the process, or you are not grateful and humble, then you will not be accepted. (See Case Study below.)
  6. In a Patriarchal system, you have to impress the girl’s father, which is a lot more difficult than impressing a foolish young woman.
  7. Having a good reputation and/or being well liked in the church / community is a very important factor.  It definitely helps with impressing both fathers and girls.  This is good news for men who are lacking LAMPS characteristics, but bad news for men who lack charisma, interpersonal skills, and social acumen.
  8. In a Patriarchal system, people tend to get married young, which makes things more challenging when you’re over 30 and single.
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Case Study — Jumping through Hoops

At one Chinese church I attended about 20 years ago, a non-Christian young man started coming to our church regularly and hitting on the girls.  The girls rebuffed him because he was not a Christian.  He kept coming back, so one day the pastor took him aside and asked him what his intentions were.  He was quite honest and said (Chinese) Christian girls are good, so he wanted to find a (Chinese) Christian girlfriend.  The pastor explained to him that he should have marriage as his goal, and if he could not accept this, then he should not come back.  After some discussion he accepted this.  Then the pastor told him that if he was serious, then he needed to come to church every Sunday and serve in the church, and if he was unwilling to do this, then he should not come back.  He agreed to this too, and he started coming to church every time the church doors were open and serving in various ways.  After a year or so, he became a Christian and was baptized into the church.  By that time, the congregation had taken a strong liking to him, as well as a few girls.  Shortly after that, he fell in with a very attractive girl there and they married within a year.  Now, he has three children and he is a deacon at that church.

That is how the grace of God works in a Patriarchal system.

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In the Case of Rejection

A man publicly expressing his intentions to marry a girl is a big risk, but it also carries great rewards.  The rewards not only include finding a wife who is more marriage-worthy than average, but also having a cherished and esteemed role in her family as well as the larger church / community.

Stating one’s intentions to marry indicates that the man is earnestly willing to accept the responsibilities of marriage and family and become an integral member of the family / church / community — more so than staying single and presumably engaging in fornication / lust.  As such, an expression of serious intention should be regarded with honor rather than shame or suspicion.  After all, the man has the greater responsibility in this undertaking and also has more to lose, especially in the West these days.

However, in the case where the girl or her father rejects a man’s attentions, there is the chance that the man may be seen as ‘creepy’ or desperate if he approaches another girl and/or her father shortly afterwards.  This is a Worldly reaction and should be considered defamatory.  (It buys into The Lie of Romantic Love, Marrying for Love, and the Soul Mate Myth / Oneitis.) If this happens, it is probably NOT a Patriarchal community which prefers to honor and respect men.

In a healthier community, it is recognized that young people may not be well equipped to choose a mate wisely. Therefore, the focus is on helping young people pair up with a suitable other and get started in life — if not with this one, then another will be found, by God’s grace. If a girl or her father rejects a man’s proposal, it either draws wider attention to the man as a serious candidate for marriage (for example, the father of a girl who rejected him may recommend him to another girl and her father), or else it rallies the church / community to do the work of molding him into such.  These activities may also incite interest or possibly envy in other girls who may be secretly interested in him — girls who may very well prove to be a more suitable match for that man in marriage.

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Final Statements

The information in this essay may be discouraging to men who expect something different, but it is intended to be sufficiently informative such that men like Jax will know how to navigate the very real challenges of finding a Patriarchal church / community, and navigating through it successfully.

It’s undeniable that the SMP/MMP is much more precarious for young people now than it was for us. However, young people have much better information and teaching available to them now than we did years ago, thanks to the Red Pill.  Unfortunately, what we can do for you is very limited, which is frustrating for us, but at least we can give you some truthful and actionable information, which is hopefully enough to get you up and running with the right attitude.

To Jax, best wishes and God bless you, brother. Impress that dad and get that girl!

To others, please pray for Jax and others like him that you might know.  We all need to pray for each other, whether IRL or online.

May the good Lord continue to work in His people and help us overcome all the challenges of life.

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