Considering the implications of a confession.

Readership: All
Theme: Awareness and Introspection; Validation; Virtue;
Note: Written in response to Tubal Cain’s email.
Length: 1,350 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes

The Nature of Confession

Confession is a central part of a Christian’s life.

As it is written,

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:16 (ESV)

Confessing, discussing, and working out the issues, as well as prayer and being held accountable, are how one recovers from the issue.  And recovering from some issues takes time.

But confession doesn’t always convey the power of God or bring healing.

Thedeti pointed out,

“People who claim to love you and who you go to church with will not hesitate to remind you of your repented of past, lest you return to your formerly wayward ways.”

Yes, confession is a necessary part of holding one accountable, but being continually reminded of one’s weaknesses tends to magnify and/or perpetuate the sin and it thereby becomes a part of the problem itself.

Worse, it exposes one’s vulnerabilities to derision, ostracization, and ridicule.

This becomes a problem when healing remains elusive and growth cannot be attained.

Case Study — Joe2’s Church

Joe2 recounted his personal experience with this.

“Very true. I noticed the congregation generally sits in the same area each Sunday with the same people. I casually mentioned my observation to one of the players (an older, more mature Christian) whom I knew quite well from the sports team.

His answer surprised me, and I didn’t quite believe him until I experienced it myself. He said something like, “You have to be very careful what you say because it can come around and bite you.”  He and his wife sit with people they can trust.

Later that year, I was at a bible study prayer request. I noticed none of the prayer requests mentioned sin. There were requests for travel mercies, wisdom in getting a car fixed, opportunities to witness to a neighbor, prayer for a sick relative, etc. That was until I mentioned something about a sin.

And it took some time, but eventually it was thrown back in my face. How is my struggle coming along? Did I backslide? What I mentioned was taken out of context and grossly exaggerated. I felt I was under a microscope and made to be someone who forever will have this problem and will always be in need of being checked upon.”

Many are Called, Few are Chosen

Some people genuinely want to help you stay on the straight and narrow; others want to do so but lack the genuine authority and/or the spiritual maturity to do so effectively, and so come across as very awkward or pretentious or prying.  Others simply find a twisted satisfaction in feeding off of your personal drama and using it to fuel their own.  Most women invariably fall into the last category.

This is why, even in the best of churches, it is unwise to confess or discuss one’s sin or even one’s struggles against the consequences of others’ sins (i.e. one’s wife or other family members) in general company, especially mixed company. Even telling something to only one person privately can be damaging if they happen to be the ‘wrong’ person to tell.

This is why you’ll only want to confess to someone who is willing and able to help you carry that burden until you are able to carry your own cross for yourself, and not just pass it on to someone else in the form of gossip or slander, and then eventually, it will be dumped back onto you, only much heavier as Joe2 described above, and which is all too common.

What to do?

How to identify the ‘right’ confessor to bare and bear?

How can you know the ‘right’ people to confess and share?

The Importance of Trust

Red Pill Apostle responded to Joe2, saying [emphasis mine],

“I’m going to guess that this couple developed trust over time with the people they sit with. Shared experience, struggles, and proof of faithfulness in little things are required to build the trust that is the foundation of deeper more meaningful friendships.

For men, sharing parts of their lives that leave them vulnerable should only be done with other men who are exceedingly trustworthy. Usually, that means a relationship born of being tested together and coming out the other side. Over-sharing with church groups, especially those that are mixed company or that have weak men with gossipy wives, is a hard no.”

In general, I believe it comes down to trust, as RPA said. But also, the person must be trustworthy. Yes, there is a difference.

Familiarity and propinquity foster a generic form of trust, but we must resist the comfortable temptation to glibly think that a superficial trust that is formed out of regular face-time, even at church, is any deeper than it is without first being tried and tested.

On Choosing a Confessor

When choosing a confessor, the first person who comes to mind is usually a pastor or priest, but I caution readers against reflexively choosing these men before considering others first.

Just because someone is a pastor, or priest, or counselor, or deacon, or director, or elder, or whatever, doesn’t mean he is the ‘right’ person to talk with.  There are several reasons.

  1. Titles do not necessarily translate into trust.
  2. Sometimes, people with offices and positions and titles within the church are already too overloaded, and they’re not able to give you the time and attention you need.
  3. If the pastor must get involved with your issues, then it must be because no one else is able to deal with you.  That is not a promising situation to be in.  In this case, a Pastor or Priest may very well just show you to the door in a subtle manner, just to have one less problem on his hands.  Real talk.
  4. Just because a certain man holds a position in the church doesn’t mean that they have the life experience, skill, wisdom, or even the time or interest to identify with your problems, speak authority into your life, admonish you properly, give you relevant feedback, and help you in a practical way other than simply being a listening ear.

I’ve learned NOT to run to the pastor or an elder whenever I have a personal difficulty, because, IME, that’s kind of like telling the boss why you can’t do your job. They are human too, and they don’t want to hear about your troubles any more than the next person in the pew.

Instead, it is better to tell the Christian brother I meet every other week for coffee or tennis, because…

  1. He knows me personally.
  2. He has already made a personal commitment to meet together.
  3. He has a track record of being responsible with these arrangements.
  4. He is more likely to be understanding and graceful, and less cold and clinical.
  5. It is also wise to choose someone who is very much like yourself, in terms of age, life experience, marital status, level of spiritual maturity, etc.

When I am faced with the task of picking someone in my congregation to confess to, I look for someone who is trustworthy in this way. As a final vetting qualification, I also look for someone who possesses an inner strength of character (Romans 5:3-5), and the Fruits of the Spirit, kindness, gentleness, and patience in particular.

Final Cautions

Even though you may find someone who is trustworthy enough to listen to your confession, respect your confidentiality, and help you carry your burden, readers should know that, no matter who you choose as your confessor, they will have limits.  They are NOT your personal Jesus who can swallow all your crap and keep on smiling while picking the corn out of his teeth. There’s a line where anything more becomes abusive to your relationship.  When you bump up against those limits, and you will eventually, you must respect those boundaries if you wish to continue your relationship.

If you feel it’s not enough, then you need to develop other relationships with more men and keep praying.

May the good Lord grant you wisdom in choosing a confessor who can effectively channel the power of God into your life.

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