The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Readership: All
Theme: Rationality
Length: 2,000 words
Reading Time: 11 minutes
Intro
Black Friday is historically the busiest shopping day of the year in the United States. With every purchase, a decision must be made, and the results are not always satisfying. This often leads to Buyer’s Remorse.
Buyer’s Remorse is an important concept that was widely cited within the Manosphere 1.0 to explain both men’s and women’s decision-making process in their choice of a mate, but it has hardly been mentioned at all by the Manosphere 2.0.
Here’s a review of the concept, lest we forget.
What is Buyer’s Remorse?
Buyer’s Remorse is the sense of regret after having made a purchase. It is frequently associated with the purchase of an expensive item such as a car or house — or the choice of a spouse.
In the phase before purchasing, a prospective buyer often feels positive emotions associated with a purchase (e.g., desire, a sense of heightened possibilities, an anticipation of the enjoyment that will accompany using the product, bedding the newlywed wife, etc.). Afterward, having made the purchase, they are more fully able to experience the negative aspects: all the opportunity costs of the purchase, the burdens of maintenance, and a reduction in purchasing power.
Buyer’s Remorse arises when a person must make a difficult decision concerning a heavily invested purchase between two similarly appealing alternatives. This regret may stem from the fear of having made the wrong choice, guilt over extravagance, or a suspicion of having been overly or unduly influenced by the seller.
Buyer’s Remorse in Relationships
Buyer’s Remorse, in the context of an intersexual relationship, is when a woman either chooses, or absent a conscientious choice, settles in with a man, and then has feelings of regret about being stuck with that man.
Men also experience Buyer’s Remorse, but are typically better at accepting the outcomes of their decisions. They’ll even stick with a woman who makes their life demonstrably worse, because they believe they must own their choice.
For the lad or lady on the threshold of marriage, it’s a bad feeling to enter into a binding commitment and not being able to escape it easily.
- For men: “Now she’ll get fat and stop slurping my rod.”
- For women: “Now I can’t change my mind. I can’t go back to Ch@d! I’m stuck with Chuck!”
Men might know they didn’t always do the “right” thing or make the best choice. But they’ll do what they can — whatever it takes to make the best of it and/or to make it work with what they have. Men don’t really have a choice about that, but they’ll make do.
OTOH, women can’t even be content or minimally satisfied with their lots. They’re always second-guessing themselves and others, and will allow their perpetual dissatisfaction to muck it up. They’ll walk back every choice to comprehend availing of another option, even when they’re unsure that it’s actually better. Also, women are strongly opposed to doing any kind of work that would be necessary to improve their lot until they’re forced to do so by a man or by circumstances.
Buyer’s Remorse in Mate Selection
Buyer’s Remorse also refers to the psychological struggle that occurs before such a choice is made — all the “What if’s” that are responsible for keeping many individuals single.
- “What if I miss out on a bigger, better deal?” (For men: More freedom, less responsibility, playing the field for a few more years, etc. For women: Finding a man who’s moar handsome, richer, stronger, taller, better hung, etc.)
- “What if my life is ‘worse’ after I choose him or her?”
- “What if I make the ‘wrong’ choice?”
- “What if I regret my decision?”
For men, Buyer’s Remorse is the fear of a slow fade into a boring, dry, less sex (or sexless) marriage, and wondering if he could’ve gotten more action had he remained single or chosen a different gal.
For women, Buyer’s Remorse is the recognition that commitment poses a barrier to actualizing her hypergamous instincts. Once she commits to one man, or even publicly identifies with a man, she can no longer hope to find someone new or ‘better’. If she keeps this ambition on the back burner of her mind, then it causes psychological dissonance, it racks her conscience, and causes feelings of guilt.
This is exactly why women don’t want anyone to know they have a boyfriend or a midnight call boy, and why they say “having a boyfriend is embarrassing”, and won’t post photos of their ‘beau(s)’ on social media. As long as they can appear ‘single’, then they can retain maximum Attention and have moar ‘opportunities’ IFKWIM. Here, Buyer’s Remorse is methodically avoided and strategically eliminated for these purposes.
As always, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”, but only due to differences of perspective, NOT reality.
Thus, Buyer’s Remorse is also responsible for many breakups, especially those that occur within a short time after forming a new relationship. Once a person gets into the relationship, they wake up from their fantasies about love and their false expectations of what they think the relationship should be like. Instead of discussing desires, fears, and needs, and working out problematic issues, it appears easier to reject the whole relationship and to return to the perceived ‘freedom’ of being single, which is thought to have better and more realizable opportunities than being in a committed relationship.
- Men ignorantly avoid Buyer’s Remorse by skipping to the next chick hitting him up, and thereby miss the opportunity to marry.
- Women will opt out of this choice by telling themselves, “I don’t need no man” or “I deserve someone better.” But this too is a choice that carries regrets later in life.
Buyer’s Remorse and Expectations
Another factor that contributes to Buyer’s Remorse is the expectation that the other person will (or should) fulfill ALL of one’s desires, expectations, and needs.
Men expect that a woman should be able to give him a feeling of assurance that this is going to be more of a good relationship than a hassle. He thinks to himself, “This is what I need to make my life complete. Now I’ll have my own sex bunny and all the poon I can eat!” Older men might think of building a home and family.
In reality, all the troubles that a woman brings into a man’s life greatly outweigh all of the pleasure or satisfaction he might obtain from her (if any).
In reality, the cute 20 year old sex toy quickly transforms into a 30 year old battle axe, and only then does he wake up to the reality that she’s subconsciously dead set on destroying him.
Women expect a man to give them a sense of psychological stability (which they often refer to as ‘emotional security’) that transforms her awareness to perceive the whole world as a carnival of pleasures. She thinks to herself, “This is going to be what meets all my needs. I’m going to become more emotionally stable and secure in this relationship.”
Of course, no man alive can meet ALL of a woman’s expectations to her satisfaction. Maybe not even God Himself. But she’ll invariably blame all her disappointments on the man.
When these expectations are not met, and/or are blatantly contradicted by the daily grind, then Buyer’s Remorse kicks in.
In response, men turn to P0rn or having an affair if chance allows. Women will either exit the relationship, or if she has any significant influence and a sense of security is within her grasp, she’ll set about trying to change the man, domesticate him, emasculate him, and thereby make him less of what attracted her to him in the first place. She’ll keep pressing and pushing him to assure herself that he doesn’t have any ‘hidden deficiencies’. This is what the Manosphere calls ‘Fitness Testing’ AKA ‘Sh!t Testing’.
Either way, if the man softens up, or if he doesn’t comply with her demands, the woman will continue to face Buyers’ Remorse.
In sum, women’s insecurities motivate them to Fitness Test their men to reassure themselves that he is capable of dealing with all her BS. But in doing so, they destroy their relationships and tear down their families, homes, and marriages.
If continued, she will shoo the man right out of her life, either willingly or unwillingly, because there is nothing a man can do in this situation to either dispel her Buyer’s Remorse or satisfy her unrealistic expectations. He is caught between Scylla and Charybdis. All he can do to escape this ritual spiritual abuse is to walk away from the relationship.
Buyer’s Remorse = Spiritual Doubts
From a spiritual perspective, Buyer’s Remorse is a failure to trust in God, and/or being unwilling to endure suffering and learn to be content in all circumstances.
Faith in God and the recognition of authority go hand in hand. A man exercises faith in God by letting go of the temporal, embracing the eternal omnipotence of the Lord, and then living that out in the temporal. A woman exercises faith in God by trusting and obeying her father or husband.
People are imperfect, and no one person can fulfill all our desires, wants, and needs. We can’t actually trust a human being to be our ‘Personal Jesus’, and trying to do so is idolatry. Also, we don’t know what the future is going to bring. So, not being able to deal with Buyer’s Remorse is a spiritual weakness in one’s relationship to God. It is embodied in a fear of being decisive, making decisions, and/or entering into any kind of covenant or commitment.
Why? It is because…
- We suspect that God may not be ‘enough’.
- We don’t fully trust God’s hand in our life.
- We are afraid of what the future may bring.
- We don’t truly believe that God will fulfill all our needs (or wants).
- We are afraid of making a ‘wrong’ decision, which is essentially a lack of faith and/or a fear of suffering.
On the last point, when people are afraid of making a ‘wrong’ decision, often times this has nothing to do with moral rectitude. What this usually means is that we are afraid of making a decision that brings inconvenience and/or suffering, and we don’t want to regret not making a different decision that would have brought a different set of inconveniences and sufferings. As it is said, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” (i.e. the boundary of commitment). We bemoan the daily labor and the sufferings more than we cherish the authority, hope, and joy it produces. We don’t recognize the value of suffering or the fact that suffering is unavoidable.
If you’re NOT content before you enter into a relationship, then you won’t be happy afterwards.
Furthermore, we can’t nail another person down by saying, “Now I want to make sure there are no disappointments, potholes, or snafus in my future. I want an assurance of a utopian paradise.” Neither can we rest on the institution of marriage to be a vehicle of sanctification, although it should be, but if we enter into marriage with this mindset, we’re bound to be disappointed. Rest assured, there ARE disappointments and potholes and God knows what they are, so we have to put our trust in Him. But yet, people keep pressing, “I’m not sure I can trust this person. How do I know this is the ‘right’ person?” The only assurance you have is that the relationship can only be as good as you make it, as good as a spouse that both individuals can be, and this requires the commitment of both people to walk in obedience to God.
Conclusions
Anybody who makes any kind of commitment (e.g. a purchase, or a marital vow) has a certain degree of buyer’s remorse. It is normal and to be expected to some degree. But in our modern age, in which everyone lives by their feelings, it is common for people to act on that or to recoil from that. People want to avoid Buyer’s Remorse MORE than they want to humble themselves and shoulder the responsibilities of a purchasing decision or a relationship, so people will avoid or reject that commitment simply so that they’ll never have to accept responsibility for their decisions — or face Buyer’s Remorse.
Men would live in a tent or sleep on the sofa in a sexless marriage if that’s what their decisions required of them.
But…
Women, more than men, will do all kinds of irresponsible things in order to avoid the responsibilities of commitment (e.g. abortion, postpone marriage, file for divorce, etc.).
But we are not among those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith for the safekeeping of the soul.
Hebrews 10:39 (NASB)
Related
- Σ Frame: The Trouble with Resolutions, Inner Vows and Commitments (2010/1/14)
- Σ Frame: My Unhappiness Is Your Fault! (2018/6/3)
- Σ Frame: Love begins where perfection ends (2021/9/22)
- Σ Frame: Harnessing the Motivations of Others (2022/4/20)
