Microaggressions are seemingly small power moves and covert attacks that undermine your status and lower your self-esteem.
Luckily, there are many ways to handle microaggressions.
We are the #1 website and resource on power and social power dynamics, and we taught thousands of men how to handle all types of social challenges.
In this article you will learn 7 techniques to handle microaggressions like a king.
And to make it as easy as possible, we add a ton of examples.
Speaking of which, here is an example of microaggression:
“I love how (your ethnicity) you are” while delivering criticism. Common microaggression masked as a joke
Let’s start:
Contents
1. Surfacing
To draw them out of their cover and show their nasty intent
You can do it with simple and neutral questions:
You: What do you mean?
You: I don’t get it, why are you saying that?
You: What’s the irony in that joke, I’m missing it
You: Excuse me?
The attacker can either come out in the open, or keep hiding.
If they keep hiding, you maintain your frame of “what was that, not cool” 🔜.
Let them explain.
The more they explain, the more they expand the nastiness.
2. Show Me The Hand
To show the attacker’s lack of courage
The attitude is:
Attack if you want, but don’t be a sneaky weasel. Do it openly.
It can start with surfacing:
You: (look at him) That sounds mean, why would you say that (keep looking, expecting an explanation)
Whatever they say, you then attack the sneakiness.
Ie.:
You: Look man I don’t like these games. It’s not how I am. I like straight talk, and I’ve been nothing but respectful with you. If you have an issue with me, please speak up. No need to hide behind fake jokes
If there are people around, you can involve them.
Ie.: “Or am I wrong, what do you guys think“.
Or with kindness:
You: Look man, I wouldn’t talk like that to a freind. So if I’ve done anything that bothered you, please tell me.
Many at this point will half-deny, half-own it:
Him: Nah man, it was just a joke, sorry if it came across the wrong way
That’s usually good enough for you to drop it.
You’ve made your point and showed you’re an honorable man who doesn’t take disrespect.
In Chart
Techniques #1 and #2 in chart:
2.2. Give Them Rope (& Scorched Earth)
Encourage their attacks to make their nastiness obvious.
The scorched earth approach includes a counter-attack.
You may strategically make yourself an easier target, submit, or retreat.
Or provoke them.
The more they advance, the more exposed they become.
Some end goals of this technique:
- Get them kicked out
- Display their nastiness to the group and/or leader
- Make them talk or brag so they annoy everyone
- Counterattack with the best conditions
- Record their actions
- Sue with more evidence
- Gather examples for the upcoming showdown
- …
Example from the movie “Boiler Room”:
Guy 1: (makes a mistake)
Power Scalper: Dumbass
Guy 1: (does not defend, lets the silence expand the nastiness)
Guy 1 lets the leader police it, and gets rid of a nasty competitor.
🔎 Example 2: give them rope to brag
Imagine they use you as “social peg” to brag:
Him: Max didn’t know what to do. Unluckily, I wasn’t there <— frames you needing them
You: Yeah, what would have you done <— instead of defending, gives him rope to brag
Him: I would have… <— falls for it, starts bragging
👉🏼 🎓 Skip self-defense when the attack is idiotic and everyone knows you’re an upstanding man.
Instead, strategically expand on the attacker’s idiocy.
⚠️ Don’t confuse strategic rope-giving with making excuses for inaction
Only give rope strategically. Ie.: when you have a plan to come out on top.
Use it with written communication (✒️ “Verba volant, scripta manent”)
General principle:
⚖️ In written communication, only counter-attack after it would be obvious to an ignorant, third-party observer, who the asshole is.
And of course, written evidence of unlawful behavior is worth its bites in gold.
⛏️ Example of failing this principle.
3 Shame Them With Vulnerability
To own and openly display your emotional reaction and/or hurt at the nastiness
Example:
You: (pause, look saddened) I feel it’s rude to make fun of people like that
You: It pains to hear you would talk to me like that. I don’t believe one can have a good relationship without mutual respect
You: I’m shocked you’d say that
See more on:
3.2. Shame With Judge Role
To display your disapproval they would even play these low-level games
Example:
Her: (power move)
You: (pause, look away. Then straight at her) I’m saddened you would say that. I think you’re a great woman, and I expect better
This is a favorite of mine.
It’s powerful, high-quality, and can pull people up to your level. Perfect for relationships, and makes you the leader.
⛏️ Using shame against shit-tests
More examples coming 🔜
4. Ignore With Neutral Statements (One-Crosses)
To reply factually and neutrally, ignoring the power move and ill-intention
Example:
Him: Ahaha you really using a calculator for that?
Her: Yes <— factual reply, ignores the nastiness
Him: That’s so easy, it’s 73
Her: Great, but still using a calculator
Him: See, 73, it was so easy
Her: Yeah, easy and fast, and I can fully trust the calculator <— little power move implying you don’t trust him
When their small-time games fail to have any effect, they lose (and you win flying higher).
4.2. Drop a quick, shaming comment, then move on
To remain emotionally unaffected, shame them, and move on
Example:
Micro-Aggressor: Oh, you didn’t go back to his place? Wow! (fake-surprised intonation to imply you’re “easy”)
You: Oh, that sounded nasty.
Anyway… (move on while looking at others in the group) <— great “shunning move”
4.3. Ignore With Dismissive Facial Expression
No words, but shake your hand in disappointment.
5. Own It And Reframe It Into a Positive
Old example:
Him: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him come out
You: Yeah man, I am saving up indeed (owns it and uncovers the attack). I think it’s important to save and invest in your dreams (reframes into a positive)
Then, you can potentially one-up him back:
You: I’m not into throwing money on drinks and random girls
Now you imply he’s after shallow pursuits (VS you, working on your dreams).
6. Go Meta: Explain Their Game
Explain what their nasty game was
For example:
Him: (grabs her calf) Chub chub
Her: LOL, that’s funny, but I prefer we avoid these type of games
Him: ?
Her: Yeah, you know, men teasing women for chubbiness so they get insecure, and men gain more control
Him: No, it was just a joke
Her: Yeah, sure, but it’s also what I just explained.
Imagine if <— P.S.: examples where you put others in the same situation are golden
a woman “joked” that a man peaked soon, or is not very big. Would you think “it’s just a joke”?
More in the relationship module 🔜
7. Social Dominance to Draw Boundaries
3 approaches:
7.2. Simple line in the sand
Example:
Micro-aggressor: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him came out (frames you as stingy)
You: Hey man, don’t do that
You can use other techniques after that.
Or you can hold your line that it’s nasty, and you don’t like it.
Very powerful.
7.3. “Affectionate Dominance”
For example:
Micro-aggressor: LOL, good to see Max tonight, it took a free dinner to make him came out
You: Ahaha, Matt is being his usual friendly self tonight (pats Max on the back, or points at him looking at the group)
Or stronger:
You: Ahaha, good to see that Matt is being his usual passive-aggressive self tonight
One more example:
Also see:
Or better yet, learn it all at once at Power University 🎓
