~ archived since 2018 ~
~ archived since 2018 ~
| Upvotes | Title | Category | Author | Subreddit | Date (UTC) |
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| Upvotes | Comment on | Subreddit | Date (UTC) |
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| 3 | Scared But HopefulDivorce is difficult on everybody. If you've already made your decision I can tell you the only solace I took in the process was making 100% of the decisions 50% of the time. Discovering you were cleaning 50% of the messes while only contributing to 5% of the chaos is liberating. I had the same sons one week on and one week off and yet the house wasn't destroyed. There wasn't a never ending load of laundry running or unnecessary chores to be worked on. Handling the house yourself with your own p… | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/06/26 10:29 PM |
| 2 | My 8 year old just told me mom’s “friend” is coming to beach with themI struggled with this for a long time. I couldn't figure out why she would dissolve her family after sixteen years (the month before our tenth wedding anniversary) to be with an alcoholic cashier who lived with his *divorced* parents. Eventually I accepted I'd never really understand and ultimately it didn't matter. She was never coming back and she didn't want me or our family and there was nothing I could do about it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/06/26 05:49 PM |
| 3 | Wife divorced me, we have two children, I wanted to have a Godly family but she didn’t want that with me, now she has a boyfriend whom she is on fire for God with and I feel like this is all a slap in the face. Anyone else go through something like this?I doubt it'll help, but after my divorce (and after falling in love afterward with a woman who legitimately desired me) I learned: desire cannot be negotiated. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/06/26 05:19 PM |
| 6 | When it’s OverI didn't realize it was over until months after she left. I discovered her affair after she got home late one night. Well after our sons went to sleep. No word from where she was or what she was up to. After that I spent a few frivolous weeks trying to get her to see the value in our marriage and family to no avail. She agreed to stay and work on our relationship and the very next day (after her affair partner could work on her all day at work) she said she was done. She left and I kept convinci… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/06/26 08:05 PM |
| 1 | Tips for making it feel homie for 10 year old sonAs others have suggested, I found getting my sons input helpful. It helped the new place become "our" place and not just another room. I put up their artwork (from school and daycare), posters they liked and other decorative items they enjoyed. Bed spreads and blankets they chose helped as well. The rest of the house was similar. When I was choosing artwork I'd see which they leaned more toward. Other things like couches and tables we had to get second hand but the more teamwork you can get thei… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/05/26 05:30 PM |
| 2 | Happy Sunday fellas, divorce sucks but what's one thing you're looking forward to this week?Hoping to play some ARC Raiders with my homies. Been sleeping a ton lately and feel like I'm missing out on my own life. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/05/26 05:51 PM |
| 2 | I need to know that I am not aloneYou're in the middle of one of the most significant and difficult events most men experience and you're already taking the necessary steps to ensure your survival. This is extremely traumatic and life altering. Being upset and needing to cry is normal. You're also in a unique space being unable to speak in your language with the people around you. It's already inherently isolating and you've got a more significant layer adding to the chaos. The world is a better place with you in it. Keep doing … | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/05/26 08:18 PM |
| 1 | She wanted 80/20 custody… now she wants to reconcile after everything came out and I’m messed up over itA person truly desiring reconciliation would continue "talking" and making necessary positive changes whether you're divorced or not. When individuals are truly sorry for what they've done and want to make things right they'll do everything in their power to do so - not just if its convenient or if they'll get a prescribed response or favorable outcome out of the deal. I mean, think about how that looks if you're equitable and open and she melts down completely if you're divorced on paper. Is th… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/05/26 06:45 PM |
| 2 | How do you guys dissociate?Our brains are really strange reality processing machines. I didn't realize until my counselor pointed it out but I ended up dissociating the vast majority of my 16 year relationship. She hypothesized that going to work, working out and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my sons 50% of the time while enduring the grief and betrayal was ultimately too much for me. My brain decided if it didn't happen, there wasn't anything to mourn. For years I'd recall memories with my sons in our fa… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/04/26 04:35 PM |
| 1 | Impending divorce, maybeI got a lot out of speaking to the counselor I saw but one of the takeaways was to frame the dynamic of your marriage around a close friend or son or other man you care deeply for. What kind of advice would you have for them and what recommendations would you make if they were living your situation? It helped me realize there is almost no limit to the suffering I'd endure but I'd never want either of my sons to live like that or deal with how my marriage was the last few years. Nobody can tell w… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/04/26 09:51 PM |
| 1 | Impending divorce, maybeMy ex-wife left after 16 years to be with her affair partner - the month before our 10th wedding anniversary. I've been a part of this subreddit since she bailed and I've learned quite a bit from the men who share their stories. One of the resounding truths I've come to understand is: desire cannot be negotiated. When my ex-wife left I was a much different man. My entire identity had revolved around being a Father and a Husband. Like many men, my friendships took a back shelf as well as my hobbi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/04/26 05:54 PM |
| 15 | Doing everything right only gave me more pain and suffering.If it's any consolation, there's a saying in this subreddit that comes up relatively often: the woman you marry isn't the same woman who divorces you. People change and they generally stay the same in the ways we wish would be different and change in the ways we'd prefer to stay the same. The longer you spend time with somebody the more radically these changes can happen. My ex-wife and I used to mock and make fun of the cheaters together. She left after sixteen years (the month before our tenth… | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/03/26 05:45 PM |
| 1 | Why do they call it "co-parenting"?Before my ex-wife decided to obtain a TRO we had 50/50 time for 3.5 years. During that time I said I made 100% of the decisions, 50% of the time. I haven't had a meaningful relationship with my sons in over 2.5 years, now. Hoping to get back to them soon. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/03/26 08:20 PM |
| 1 | Affair, new to redditWell said. In this situation I often fall back into a train of thought that involves describing your relationship and the current situation you're in but from the perspective of it happening to one of your sons or a close friend. How would you try to help *them* and what advice would you try to give *them*? It's tremendously difficult for us to see things from another perspective and so many of us are used to tolerating incredible adversity and disrespect that we'd never encourage the important … | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/03/26 08:52 PM |
| 1 | What was your experience like with therapy in the first couple of months?I was really fortunate with the woman I met with. My employer had an assistance program that allowed the first three sessions to be paid for as a benefit but only through certain providers. I figure its just like people, because it is people. Some people you encounter will enhance your life while some will make things worse. The vast majority are just sort of "neutral". I mostly reached out because my friends and family were pretty tapped out. They all felt badly and wanted to help but were kind… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/02/26 09:36 PM |
| 1 | My (30M) Ex-Wife (28F) Reached Out After 2 Years NC?With no children and a new wife I'd definitely have deleted everything, blocked her and completely removed any ability for these situations to arise. Many of the men in this subreddit share children with our ex-wives so it isn't generally as simple as that. In my case I just blatantly refuse to discuss anything with my ex-wife that doesn't have a direct connection to our sons and even then its done via an application with unalterable records (she's lied to the court repeatedly about things I've … | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/02/26 07:15 PM |
| 6 | Questions for divorced peoplePeople (our romantic love interests included) tend to change the things about themselves we'd prefer they didn't while simultaneously *don't* change the things we'd like altered. Over long periods of time this is easier to appreciate and observe and include a gambit of human behaviors, perceptions and values. There's a reason you'll often hear "the woman you marry isn't the same woman who divorces you". Desire cannot be negotiated. The best course for the vast majority of people is to work towar… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/02/26 03:56 PM |
| 3 | Words of courage/adviceI vividly remember my friends and family struggling to support me after my ex-wife bailed for her affair partner (after sixteen years, the month before our 10th wedding anniversary). I know they empathized and hurt and wanted to help me but felt largely powerless to do much of anything. There's only so much "I'm sorry" and "I wish I could help" they can communicate while you're enduring this. It's good to find something that resonates with us like this because the truth is most of the work invol… | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/01/26 11:17 PM |
| 4 | Co-sleeping with childrenI'm inclined to agree here. We're all divorced or going through the process and therefore all one of the guys that said "not us" or "not her" when it came to the concept of divorce. We don't also want to become the guys who refused to believe our ex-wife would become the woman who uses lies, deceit and false accusations to destroy us. I'm already in this realm. I was arrested over two years ago (still waiting to go to trial) on a week I didn't have my sons - in a situation that had nothing to do… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/01/26 03:56 PM |
| 2 | I’m 27 and have four boys with my soon to be ex-wife, how can I get through this and will I ever find love again. We were together for 10 years married 5. I’m just so angry and devastated that she’s ready to leave and even separate the kids with joint custodySounds familiar. I remember my ex-wife telling me she legitimately believed I was personally responsible for her happiness. Solipsism is unreal in hindsight. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/12/25 04:40 AM |
| 1 | I’m 27 and have four boys with my soon to be ex-wife, how can I get through this and will I ever find love again. We were together for 10 years married 5. I’m just so angry and devastated that she’s ready to leave and even separate the kids with joint custodyYou’re doing the best you can - what more can you ask for yourself? I remember being where you are and I remember wanting to ensure I did everything I could in the event it didn’t work out. I didn’t want to live with regretting “what would’ve happened if I would’ve done this or said that”. It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/12/25 02:15 AM |
| 4 | I’m 27 and have four boys with my soon to be ex-wife, how can I get through this and will I ever find love again. We were together for 10 years married 5. I’m just so angry and devastated that she’s ready to leave and even separate the kids with joint custodyI’m truly sorry. It took me a very long time to understand she wasn’t coming back. I took solace (afterward) in coming to the realization that there’s very little I can control. Having the discipline to ensure I went to the gym was one of these. We can really only control ourselves and how we treat ourselves and other people. I try to focus on knowing this and knowing I can really only be good to people and hope they’re good to me. People will show us who they are and it’s really important we be… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/12/25 01:59 AM |
| 4 | I’m 27 and have four boys with my soon to be ex-wife, how can I get through this and will I ever find love again. We were together for 10 years married 5. I’m just so angry and devastated that she’s ready to leave and even separate the kids with joint custodyThank you for the warm wishes - everybody experiences grief differently and I know how important it is to hear these stories and understand we aren't alone in the many similarities of our stories. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/12/25 11:29 PM |
| 5 | I’m 27 and have four boys with my soon to be ex-wife, how can I get through this and will I ever find love again. We were together for 10 years married 5. I’m just so angry and devastated that she’s ready to leave and even separate the kids with joint custodyYou're going through one of the most difficult things a man can experience. There are many different issues to contend with. You can't tackle them all at once. It's really important you prioritize taking care of yourself, first. Just like in an airplane emergency - you can't put the oxygen mask on your sons if you're unconscious because you didn't put your mask on first. Taking care of yourself can mean a lot but you can start small as with all of these issues. Get plenty of rest - make sure you… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/12/25 09:14 PM |
| 8 | "Silver Bullet Divorce" and the ease most women have in getting a Temporary Protection Order.People overwhelmingly aren't interested in the truth. These people decide what's true and look for things to confirm their bias. They've convinced themselves these things that happen (in courts and with arrests) only happen if you're guilty and they use their perception of what they believe abusive men and criminals are to sit comfortably with their belief. It becomes much easier if they don't particularly like you. Very few people seek the objective truth. Your story is one among hundreds of th… | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/11/25 03:52 PM |
| 1 | Uncontested QuestionFrom what I recall the facilitator didn’t have any skin in the game beyond ensuring the paperwork was completed properly. We were the ones that agreed upon the terms and the facilitator ensured they were listed. Things like me providing medical benefits to our sons, how we split up my retirement account etc. and what happened with our debt was all listed and signed / agreed upon. I didn’t speak much to my ex-wife about it beyond paying for the divorce itself but from what I recall there wasn’t a… | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/11/25 12:05 AM |
| 1 | Uncontested QuestionIn my county in California they offered a court facilitator that helped my ex-wife fill everything out without lawyers. Depending on your location it would be worth checking out your court website and see if they offer a similar service. The facilitator gave my ex-wife step-by-step instructions and her services were paid for by the county. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/11/25 11:51 PM |
| 4 | Would you have stayed?Well, I wasn't the one who bailed for an affair partner but desire can't be negotiated. Had I whittled her down and somehow convinced *her* to stay I believe I'd have spent the rest of my life miserable. If we're playing the could've / should've / would've game I'd never have gotten married to begin with. I love my sons of course but they deserve better than the world their Mom has created for them out of solipsism, bitterness and apathy. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/11/25 04:07 PM |
| 2 | Help with a diabetes phoneI’m a Type One Diabetic. I was diagnosed during spring break of my 8th grade year. My parents were freshly divorced as this was happening. I spent the spring break vacation with my Dad. It runs in his family and he was the youngest. His two older Brothers had the condition and he was relatively familiar. He administered my injections after the hospital and visit with a nutritionist. At one point I was going to be left alone while he flew to another state for a job interview. I remember being ter… | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/10/25 04:08 AM |
| 3 | 23 year old trans girl here - fiancee broke up right before getting engagedLike nonotmeporfavor said, this is a sub for men enduring divorce to support each other. I’m not exactly sure which subreddit would be more suitable for you but this one definitely isn’t going to be much help for what you’re going through. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/08/25 01:58 AM |
| 3 | The mask slipsIt’s a tough position to be in when you’re forced to deal with a hostile party that doesn’t have your (or your children) best interests in mind or that cares about the consequences of their actions. Hopefully he can understand and come to terms with the fact that he can’t control what she does, however sick it is, and try to mitigate the potential fallout. Saying as little as possible knowing she’ll relay everything texted is one measure, though there’s nothing stopping her from completely lying… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/08/25 03:08 AM |
| 2 | 9 months laterIt won't make you feel much better but I'm happy that you *didn't* have children together. The process is so difficult already - adding children makes it much worse. You're doing the best you can - what else can you expect of yourself? It took everything I had during those first few months to continue waking up, going to work, working out and being present for my sons (on the weeks I had them). I stopped trying to prevent myself from crying and just cried - wherever I was. I sought out a counsel… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/07/25 05:24 PM |
| 23 | Why is she rewarded for blowing up our family. It's got to stop.The vast majority of us signed up knowing what we faced in the event of a divorce and most of us also grew up as children of divorce. Maybe we didn't realize the divorce rates when we got married but we all foolishly believed we were the exception and our love wouldn't end like the stats indicated they would. My parents were both married and divorced FOUR TIMES each. Why I ever considered asking my parents for marriage advice or even listen to people that demonstrated they didn't know what they … | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/06/25 04:33 PM |
| 2 | 200k minimum requirement.absolutely! Have you seen the website where you enter the requirements and it calculates your delusions? It’s pretty hilarious, though admittedly, I’m unsure how accurate it is. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/06/25 12:55 AM |
| 2 | Not giving address what to doI live in California. I've been dealing with a fresh custody dispute where my ex-wife was awarded 100% temporary emergency physical and legal custody. She moved our children to a different county without my consent or the courts permission. I filed a motion for order to have the move blocked - took a month to get a hearing. When you move you're supposed to file an MC-040 change of address and have it served to the other party. She didn't do this. The court said they supported her move and allowe… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/25 10:17 PM |
| 1 | Looking for help/advice on a LONG overdue process in NC...I'd start by checking your county government website. I browsed ours and discovered the county we lived in had what they called a "court facilitator" who you could call, e-mail or schedule an appointment to discuss these things with. Ultimately my ex-wife was guided through the process by this person with each form and step and the necessary procedures. It didn't cost us anything beyond the ~$500 (somewhere around that number) to file (and some stamps for mailing some of the documentation). At t… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/05/25 03:08 PM |
| 6 | Update after 9 monthsFor many of us, the separation / divorce was the start of things. Embarking on a path to become the version of ourselves we deserve and wanted to be likely wouldn't have presented itself without the despair. Glad to hear you're still here and with us. Many of us punch our own tickets, failing to see it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Hang in there and try to stick around to provide insight and perspective for the men that will need us in the future. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/04/25 08:57 PM |
| 5 | I want to be okay.You've already shown the world (and yourself) you can do this. You've endured this pain and bewilderment for over three and a half months, now. By waking up everyday you become stronger. Continuing to persevere in the face of overwhelming adversity is one of the best ways to find the path to becoming the man you want to be. You're exhausted but you're still showing up. Many, MANY men punch their own ticket in similar circumstances and you haven't done that. The more time you put between you and … | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/04/25 03:50 PM |
| 5 | Ex-wife's planning on marrying her former coworkerIt’s easier for people like this to change history, move goal posts and re-write the narrative than it is for them to take accountability for their bad behavior. The truth doesn’t care how they feel and it doesn’t impact your life, now. Best you can do is accept it and learn from it. Be armed with knowledge while continuing on your path to be the best version of yourself. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/04/25 11:39 PM |
| 2 | Why don’t you hear it from them?It's likely the same reason people rarely talk about great customer service experiences but will go out of their way to share horrible encounters. We tend to define our lives through misery and suffering. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/03/25 06:44 PM |
| 7 | Sex after divorce.It's important for us to be good to ourselves and I believe recognizing the good things happening to us when we're aware of them is one way to do it. You're on track already. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/03/25 03:04 PM |
| 16 | Sex after divorce.All for you ... for *now*, right?? I'm kidding - I know what you mean. It's a major violation to incorrectly believe that intimacy is just for you. Happy you've been able to correct course. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/03/25 03:00 PM |
| 1 | How spouse talks to your kids?I hope you didn’t think I was attacking you! I was genuinely reflecting on how the people around me often behave differently than I’d expect. I really believe you’re incapable of being a failure if you want to be the best version of yourself and refuse to give up. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/03/25 05:49 PM |
| 2 | How spouse talks to your kids?Without a doubt. Most of us understand respect is earned when it comes to meeting new people but far too many people think merely having a child means they should be respected by their spawn at all times. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/03/25 10:46 PM |
| 3 | How spouse talks to your kids?It's always amazed me how people (friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances or strangers) talk to their children in general. I've long understood that I don't speak to my boss the same way I speak to my Father or my friends but I absolutely love and respect my sons enough to innately know they should receive a certain level of care and consideration that excludes speaking to them in certain ways. The constant expletives, bad mouthing (even directed at whatever sport) and negative, toxic rhetori… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/03/25 10:25 PM |
| 1 | Divorcing the woman I loveThat makes sense. I don't get the impression you've got an agenda focused around ensuring the perception of your ex-wife is negative. I ran into lots of situations where discussing things with my ex-wife lead her to accuse me of being emotionally abusive and / or mean when in reality I said nothing mean or untrue. Her actions and behavior was ugly and she didn't like being confronted with it. Telling the truth isn't abusive or mean. Any person hearing a story of poor character, lies, deceit and … | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/03/25 02:52 PM |
| 1 | Divorcing the woman I loveIt was a weird series of conversations and realization on my part. She told me the memories may come back over time or may never return at all. I hope you’re able to overcome your grief without the deletion. Having a massive, 16 year gap is pretty awful. I wish I could’ve handled it and retained all the memories. Gotta be some major damage going on in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/03/25 05:12 AM |
| 12 | Asking your husband to do as much chores as you when you are a SAHM is abuseI’ll echo a response I’ve heard a few times in this forum over the years and it’s something to the effect of: “if one of your children was expressing this concern or frustration to you instead of you expressing it here, what suggestion or advice would you give them?”. We tend to absorb a great deal more than we realize and tolerate things we normally wouldn’t, often without realizing it. When somebody important to us expresses even the exact same scenario we’re able to see the situation more cle… | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/03/25 12:46 AM |
| 2 | Divorcing the woman I loveThanks for the warmth! I'm doing well and have been able to become the man I wanted to be. It's been years and I'm confident you can overcome the adversity as well. We're able to decide what's really important and if moving past things you can't control is important you'll be able to do it. I'm with you - lots of regret and lots of suffering. Everybody changes but it seems for most couples they change in the ways we don't want them to and *don't* change in the ways we'd like. As far as the chang… | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/03/25 08:36 PM |
| 5 | Divorcing the woman I loveI'm not sure if this will help, but I'll share a bit of my story in the hopes that it does. I was absolutely overwhelmed with grief after my ex-wife bailed (after 16 years - the month before our 10th wedding anniversary) to be with her affair partner. I was able to continue going to work, get my gym sessions done and be with my sons every other week, but I was a wreck. Things got easier over time, of course. I didn't realize until later that a lot of it was due to dissociation. My therapist told… | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/03/25 04:19 PM |
| 3 | This morning I filled the dishwasher and nobody told me that I had done it wrong.It’s so strange how we can forget things like this. I remember the washing machine nearly always running. Never really thought about it and I’ve been divorced for 5 years now (after being together for 16 years). I’ll do the laundry when the hamper gets full and it can vary. I call my kids every night and I can hear the dryer at their Moms running every - single - night. Blows my mind. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/03/25 05:23 AM |
| 1 | Did you have to imitate the divorce after she said she would?It makes sense that they’d want to hold off as long as possible if you realize they continue to get health benefits, their cellular paid for, car insurance and whatever other little things that all add up. When they see little value (if any) in filing it isn’t surprising when they don’t. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/02/25 11:12 PM |
| 1 | Insanely uncomfortableThis is one of those scenarios where you're just going to have to endure it. Surely you've hurt yourself, been left with a visible injury and watched as it gradually healed. Throughout the process it hurt less and less until eventually all that was left was a scar. This will be much like that except its an injury you can't see. You need to understand that eventually it'll dissipate to the point you'll be able to function and that it's very normal - and understandable - that you're unable to func… | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/24 06:33 PM |
| 12 | Other men disciplining your kids.I am simply telling you: there’s nothing you can do. You “handle” it by accepting you can’t discipline your kid when they aren’t with you. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/12/24 05:50 AM |
| 10 | Other men disciplining your kids.Your ex-wife can effectively do whatever she wants and keep whatever company she pleases. There is virtually nothing you can do about who she decides to have around your kids or what authority she allows them to have. As long as they aren’t being hurt somehow (and that you’d be able to prove) there really isn’t anything you can do. It’s an important thing to accept and will help you throughout the rest of your life. You can’t control anybody’s actions or behavior but your own. If it’s any solace… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/12/24 05:46 AM |
| 1 | Who to talk to?I had a really robust support system at the beginning when my ex-wife left to be with her affair partner. It became clear pretty quickly that everybody was surprised and disappointed but that they didn’t really know what else to say. Eventually I realized that reaching out with these overwhelmingly negative things to say was comprising these relationships and of course that isn’t what I wanted. I was very fortunate to find a therapist I clicked with and was able to sort of redirect that all in h… | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/11/24 04:51 PM |
| 3 | I'm...very messed up.Nothing lasts forever - including how you're feeling right now. It doesn't help to know or understand this in the moment but it will help when you embrace it overall. | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/11/24 05:50 PM |
| 1 | Confused about this divorce case.I'm with you. Doesn't add up, to me. I'd assume she'd be "entitled" to any equity accrued after their marriage but clearly peasants like us don't understand. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/11/24 09:09 PM |
| 3 | Confused about this divorce case.I admire your determination to try to understand. Once I became personally familiar with the family court I very quickly gave up trying to understand it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/11/24 08:59 PM |
| 10 | Do you divorce if there's no attraction left because your spouse aged like milk?I’m sure he’s just venting to a captive audience. I’m positive most of us have felt frustrated about these things over the years but I knew exactly what I was doing when I got married. My ex-wife had different ideas about what marriage would look like and I suspect this poster might have some unrealistic expectations. Hopefully they can work together to find happiness without getting divorced - but it’s his life, not ours. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/10/24 07:59 PM |
| 28 | Do you divorce if there's no attraction left because your spouse aged like milk?I’m sure you’ll get a variety of responses but in your vows did you say you’d be together temporarily, until you get sick of it? How about as long as she looked exactly the same and didn’t appear to age or get heavier? Something tells me your vows were very specific about this stuff and unless your definition of “forever” is different than Webster … maybe you should do some self reflection about why you got married to begin with. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/10/24 07:49 PM |
| 3 | How I got my things returnedOnce I was “done” with doing everything I could to work on our marriage and relationship (several months after she’d been living with her affair partner) I threw my wedding ring away. I don’t think I have anything from the time before I was married except a couple of family picture books she didn’t want. Those anchors likely won’t do anything but hold you back. You can decide what’s really important to you, now. Somehow I suspect it won’t be a bunch of shirts or ties or bookmarks. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/10/24 11:36 PM |
| 5 | 'Not in love'I get you completely. My ex-wife definitely appeared to be used to me handling the decision making processes. I was a utility in many ways and when she had to accept she was to blame for bad behavior and poorly made decisions she’d make it about something else or somebody else’s fault to avoid taking personal responsibility. Sad. Can’t grow if you refuse to acknowledge you’re imperfect. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/10/24 12:05 AM |
| 2 | 'Not in love'I was for a good, long while. We shared 50/50 custody of our kids for 3.5 years and after my divorce I experienced the happiest year of my life. My ex-wife used an arrest (unrelated to our kids or her) as leverage to get a restraining order and the last year + has been pretty awful, but I’ll recover from this as well. Remember that you can’t do anything about what other people do or think - you can only control yourself. Be good to yourself and know it’s a marathon, not a sprint! | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/10/24 12:04 AM |
| 3 | 'Not in love'That’s a great question and the answer is that it depends a lot on who you are and who you want to be. Nobody can take this trip with you and you’re the one that gets to decide who you want to be. The person you’re referring to stomping on you is gone. The woman who divorces you isn’t the same woman you married. The first step in becoming the best version of yourself is accepting that things are different and that woman is gone. All of the things that anchored you to the man you used to be will … | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/10/24 11:51 PM |
| 4 | 'Not in love'Definitely. Men seem to operate differently and I really believe it’s important for us to understand this. For me it was critical during my grief because I couldn’t understand. I was thinking about things from my perspective and my ex-wife just didn’t look at things the same way. Full blown “light switch effect” with her for sure. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/10/24 11:40 PM |
| – | 'Not in love'Unfortunately this is very common and you’ll see it in many of the threads here. Like you, I gave my ex-wife everything she wanted and asked for … and sixteen years later it turned out she didn’t want what she got. You’ll read that taking accountability is many of our ex-wife’s kryptonite. Somebody posted here something that helped me a bit and I’ll try to summarize. Essentially it was that men and women of differently. Women can love their new car. They’ll match their outfits and cell phones wi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/10/24 11:34 PM |
| 1 | Still strugglingYou got it. The world is a better place with you in it. Do what you can, when you can. Try not to take it all on. Any task accomplished is a victory. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/10/24 02:45 AM |
| 5 | Still strugglingSounds like you’re doing the best you can do and that’s massive. What else is there? Many of us can’t continue going to work or handle the chores. Taking care of ourselves and the kids on top of all the chaos that follows divorce is tough. Remind yourself how great you’re doing and that lots of us have punched our own tickets. You’re still showing up and handling business. Be good to yourself. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/10/24 11:33 PM |
| 11 | 2 years since my divorce.Similar story in my case. 16 years and she left the month before our 10th wedding anniversary to pursue a relationship with her affair partner. In my case it’s been over 4 years. Much different issues these days though I remember being absolutely crushed and recall at the time it was the darkest period of my life. Our divorce was easy, though she didn’t file for quite a while and it wasn’t finalized well over a year after she left (she didn’t see a need to / solipsism and she was still getting b… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/10/24 11:43 PM |
| 2 | Ex offers agreement on 401kI’d imagine it would depend on what both parties agreed on. I was fortunate that our divorce decree was handled by a county facilitator and all I needed to do was send that final draft to my Human Resources department. The rep emailed our 401k plan rep and it was all covered. Either by their people or ours. I didn’t have to pay. They just asked for her contact information so they could setup and account for her and I didn’t feel comfortable giving her SSN etc so I gave them what I had and they d… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/10/24 11:18 PM |
| 5 | Dating dry spellI’m not trying to be intentionally vague but everybody has a different idea of what their ultimate form looks like, right? For me it looked like continuing to live my life with integrity (not participate in attacks like my ex-wife does with our kids). Work out four days per week (up from every other day) and not missing any workouts. Challenging myself. Mayonnaise used to be spicy and now I’ve eaten the third hottest pepper in the world. I built a wooden step to my front door and a planter box. … | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/10/24 12:06 AM |
| 3 | Dating dry spellThey’re likely picking up on your own reported self consciousness. I’ve noticed many, many women are attracted to masculinity and confidence, whether they admit it or not. People (including other men) can often figure out when you’re just pretending to be confident, as well. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong but it might be better to spend this time crafting yourself into the best version of yourself possible. Along the way you’ll become more confident in yourself and that’ll radiate… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/10/24 11:34 PM |
| 1 | Ex offers agreement on 401kIt would likely be significantly safer to get them to create the QDRO for the uncontested amount she's "entitled" to and then let her withdrawal whatever she wants. She can pay the penalties and taxes and you'll be far disconnected from all of that while insulating yourself from her changing her mind in the future (and trying to take you back to court). | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/10/24 04:16 PM |
| 2 | 401k split QuestionI was lucky as my ex-wife was so excited to indulge in her whirlwind romance with her affair partner we had a very easy divorce. We used a country facilitator (no lawyers) and didn't really argue over anything. We took our own credit card debt, own vehicles and she took whatever possessions she wanted. I'd saved in my 401k for roughly 15 years and we were married for just shy of 10 years of that. She agreed to half of 10/15ths and the day she left just happened to be the end of the quarter so th… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/10/24 04:28 PM |
| 4 | Separating and Divorcing after 20+ years, worried about getting back in the dating game after so long...Results will vary and the overwhelming majority of men here will tell you to hold off on dating. The general timeline is about a year. I found the part of physical intimacy I really craved and enjoyed came from being with somebody I loved and cared for. That can't really exist with hookups. You mileage will vary but improving yourself will always benefit you. Working out, reading, focusing on self-reflection and introspection will all make you a better version of yourself and you can do it as mu… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/10/24 01:37 PM |
| 2 | She changed her last name to something made up.No. You're right - it doesn't. I've known lots of people who started drinking (or doing drugs) at relatively reasonable rates and seen them spiral out of control. You can't make somebody want to get better. In general, I guess. Even normal people without substance abuse problems aren't going to start eating better or working out unless they want to. | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/09/24 04:20 PM |
| 1 | She changed her last name to something made up.It's always interesting to me how different things impact us all differently. I only wanted three things when my ex-wife was leaving to be with her affair partner (after sixteen years - the month before our tenth wedding anniversary). I didn't want to get divorced - I didn't want to interact with her affair partner - I wanted my last name back. She didn't (and still doesn't) seem to care about it at ALL and that's pretty much par for the course with solipsism. If it doesn't impact her in a meani… | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/09/24 03:39 PM |
| 1 | My ex loves telling me about her sex life.My pleasure - hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/09/24 08:27 PM |
| 5 | SuicidalSuicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was watching a YouTube video not too long ago about some of the training our special operators go through and one of the Tier 1 guys said something that stuck with me. He said something to the effect of “when you’re 100% done - you’re only 60% done”. You’re capable of more than you realize. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/09/24 08:24 PM |
| 1 | Coping methods during divorceI was with my ex-wife since we were in high school. We were together for sixteen years and she left the month before our tenth wedding anniversary (for her affair partner from work). I didn't realize how much of myself I'd lost in the pursuit of being a good husband and Father. When my ex-wife left and my kids were gone and I had no more tears in my body I remember sitting in my empty house in silence, wondering how it happened and who I'd become. I was relentless in doing everything I could to … | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/09/24 05:57 PM |
| 4 | My ex loves telling me about her sex life.Try to change the way you're looking at this. How much time to do you spend sending messages to people you don't care about? What about the amount of time and energy you spend thinking about things or places or people that don't interest you? When we don't care about something or somebody they effectively don't exist. Now that you're seeing you really DO matter to your ex-wife (or at least getting a rise out of you matters) maybe it'll be the catalyst for the change necessary for you to do thing… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/09/24 08:06 PM |
| 9 | Wife thinks I’m being ridiculousThis is the first post of a series of posts where you end up losing your kids, your job, your house and what amounts to your life. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/09/24 08:00 PM |
| 11 | Is it just me. Am I the reason the word gaslighting was invented?These types of women have discovered the negativity associated with words like "gaslighting" and "narcissist" and "emotional abuse" will provide them with the validation and sympathy they crave because they're victims at heart. It doesn't matter what's objectively true - what matters is how they *feel*. They let their emotions overpower their intelligence and as long as clinging to these words and the associated feelings provide a positive feedback loop you'll be dealing with the repercussions. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/09/24 05:36 PM |
| 2 | Getting back to the gym.I was 33 or 34 when my ex-wife bailed for her affair partner (after sixteen years together, the month before our tenth wedding anniversary). I hadn’t worked out since high school. I’ve pretty much had the same routine since that day and haven’t missed a workout since she left (over four years ago now). I workout Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I don’t like to workout on weekends and I have supervised visitation with my sons on Saturday anyway. I like having a rest day on Wednesday. I do 3 … | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/09/24 11:25 PM |
| 3 | Another thing I won’t miss from the ex….Sounds very familiar. Always blows my mind trying to imagine operating like that. Hope things are going well for you these days. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/08/24 11:42 PM |
| 3 | Another thing I won’t miss from the ex….Not exactly related but I remember my ex-wife insisting on having “her” garden. I had to load the truck up with soil, setup the above ground planters AND constantly water them every day. I didn’t care about “her” garden at all as it wasn’t a hobby I was interested in but I was expected to do the vast majority of the work. Didn’t get any credit, of course. I never did anything, if you believe her stories. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/08/24 11:27 PM |
| 4 | When do I stop wearing my ringI did everything I could do after my ex-wife left for her affair partner. I wore the ring until I was "done". That'll be different for everybody but once I'd gotten to the point where I'd done everything I could think of (and lots of things I didn't think of but suggested by friends and family) and was at peace with knowing it (meaning I wasn't worried about "well what if I would've tried *this*) I was able to take the ring off and throw it away. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/08/24 03:52 PM |
| 18 | What is one line or quote you can share to help fellow divorced men?“She’s not yours - it’s just your turn.” “Nothing lasts forever.” “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/07/24 09:04 PM |
| 7 | Time to go?"They" say a lot. One of the things "they" say, and I generally agree with, is "women want what other women want". If you can get behind this line of thinking it's easy to see why you need to pay attention to the women your wife is surrounded by. If she's surrounded by bitter, angry divorced women (or that want to be divorced) she's going to be hearing about all the awful things all day long. If she's surrounded by women with children - guess what? She's going to be hearing about Mom detail all … | /r/Divorce_Men | 07/07/24 12:21 AM |
| 6 | CompanionshipI don't want to be super critical of you but there's so much free snizz out there I can't imagine paying for it. I definitely can't imagine developing a relationship with a prostitute. Hope you're doing alright, Brother! | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/06/24 09:04 PM |
| 3 | Massachusetts questionsIs it a public place? Then no. | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/05/24 10:18 PM |
| 10 | New to the group but sharing my wisdomThanks for sharing your story. Divorce is horrible. Living a life where you're tolerated is horrible. We shouldn't have to endure either of these but change is required to avoid it. It's our obligation to raise our children to understand that life is an impermanent thing and that nothing - nothing - lasts forever. If we encourage our youth to understand this and be the best people they can be while knowing their relationships will all almost certainly come to an end and that its a normal, natura… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/05/24 04:32 PM |
| 3 | Seeking Legal Advice: Uncovering a Hidden Presence in My Family Home during Divorce ProceedingsI assume you aren't living in the family home but your wife is. As you'll see down the road - there is nothing you can do to control what your ex-wife does. In the best possible circumstances you'll be able to make 100% of the decisions (with regards to your children) 50% of the time. What happens when your son is with your ex-wife is beyond your ability to control. This includes who she has over and when or for what purpose. Unless the people around your child present a clear and present danger… | /r/Divorce_Men | 07/05/24 06:28 PM |
| 7 | When people say sorryI'm happy you're enjoying your life post divorce. Lots of us experienced the divorce as the worst thing that we've ever experienced. That lens is the lens these apologies come from. I doubt they're trying do anything other than empathize with their personal experience or as bystanders in other horrible divorces. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/05/24 02:19 PM |
| 8 | Sock Day!Dang. That’s sad and hilarious. Thanks! | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/04/24 01:32 AM |
| 4 | Sock Day!I’ve been on this sub for several years. I’ve seen the term but still don’t know what it means 😂 | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/04/24 01:05 AM |
| 2 | How do you cope with the lack of affection?Very common feelings shared here. It really is incredible what we can tolerate. The years of this treatment take their toll and realizing you’re worthy of love, affection, connection, respect and kindness really changes your perspective. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/04/24 02:58 AM |
| 15 | How do you cope with the lack of affection?It blew my mind when I accepted my marriage was over and my ex-wife wasn't coming back only to discover women not only enjoyed spending time with me but WANTED to shower me with affection. I'd been living as a utility and mostly starved for affection for so long it actually felt like something was WRONG when women wanted to have sex with me. My ex-wife told me as she was leaving (after sixteen years - the month before our tenth wedding anniversary) that she hadn't been in love with me for longer… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/04/24 10:33 PM |
| 2 | Don’t give women, rather the exs, the power to think you still need them. You don’t. I promise. You are strong, and I’m proud of you.Great post and very helpful reminder. Thanks! | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/04/24 03:30 PM |
| 2 | How did you guys get your self confidence back?Love that. Better to be a warrior tending a garden than a gardener thrust into a war. I'm happy you're still here and persevering. Keep hanging in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/04/24 04:15 PM |
| 3 | How did you guys get your self confidence back?Thank you! I've spent more time than I'd like to admit just sitting alone, feeling like a loser. I generally bottled those feelings up and turned them into tumors, instead. Sometimes "fake it 'til you make it" is a viable strategy. I couldn't let my sons see I was a loser. I couldn't let my employer see I was a loser and I didn't want any of the important people in my life to "discover" I was a complete sack of shit. Little did I know that all my actions would lead me to demonstrate how far from… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/04/24 03:03 PM |
| 13 | How did you guys get your self confidence back?It was a process! I didn't realize what I'd become over the years. The man I was when my ex-wife and I got together was slowly whittled down into a husk of who I once was. Whether this was by her design or not doesn't matter - once she took the kids and bailed and I sat in our empty house I realized I didn't just lose my wife, my family and the life I knew. I'd lost the person I was. This put me in a unique and privileged position to become the man I wanted to be. I still had to process the loss… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/04/24 02:31 PM |
| 1 | 401KI know what you mean. My ex-wife and I were together for sixteen years. She left the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. We split bills 50/50 as well as chores, though I did more oil changes than dishes and yard work than vacuuming. She decided to spend all her money on various projects, crap and vacations to Disneyland (often solo) while I saved 10 % of my income (since I was 19). I mostly accepted this as I assumed we'd retire together and obviously I was wrong. When she threw around "… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/04/24 02:11 PM |
| 7 | I really appreciate my x wifeSome lessons are harder than others. It’s important to grieve and go through the stages of loss but equally important to reflect on what happened and learn. Glad you were able to get something positive out of the ordeal. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/04/24 12:53 AM |
| 1 | 401KOnce I had the divorce decree I sent it to our HR rep (my 401k is through my employer). She sent it to the lawyers. The lawyers needed my ex-wife’s personal information (I believe from the last time we filed taxes so it included her name, date of birth and SSN) as well as her e-mail address and phone number. I don’t know exactly how long it took for her to get the money she was “entitled” to, but I recall seeing it leave my account a month or so after I gave them the information. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/04/24 11:50 PM |
| 11 | A random surprise this morning.You'll see similarities from other stories here. They seem to do this to avoid taking personal responsibility or holding themselves accountable for their actions. If you're cordial and friendly with each other they couldn't possibly be a monster, you see?? Like other posters have suggested: anything you give her will feed her. Don't feed the troll. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/04/24 02:48 PM |
| 3 | Always the victim...I enjoyed the sequel as well, but Kate Mercer (played by Emily Blunt) really grounded the first film and her absence was notable. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/24 07:34 PM |
| 3 | Always the victim...I’m with you. They look for things to confirm their bias and beliefs rather than objectively seek the truth. “Other” people are wrong. These are the same people that like laws when it applies to other drivers but obliviously tail gate, follow too closely, speed and run stop signs. I know I’m a good man despite my ex-wife’s lies. This shit sells itself. All I need to do is keep taking care of things, handling business and being myself. I can’t worry about crabs in a bucket trying to bring each ot… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/24 07:27 PM |
| 6 | Always the victim...Hang in there - the world is a better place with you in it. Many of us in this forum have experienced these scenarios and it really is baffling how identical their playbooks look. Like others have speculated, I imagine they do these things to justify their actions and avoid holding themselves accountable. Years prior to my ex-wife's affair we laughed about, pitied and loathed cheaters and adulterers together. It's infinitely easier for them to point at an "emotionally abusive, dangerous, violent… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/24 06:46 PM |
| 11 | Always the victim...Schrodinger's feminists. Simultaneously the perpetual victims and strong, independent, powerful, stunning and brave women who can do everything. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/24 06:23 PM |
| 16 | Always the victim...I like Alejandro's line from "Sicario" for this one: "You're asking me how a watch works. For now, we'll just keep an eye on the time." | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/24 06:21 PM |
| 9 | Replacement fatherUnfortunately you can’t control anything but what you do and say. When your kids are with you you’re able to make 100% of the decisions. Worrying about what she does when they’re not with you will only drive you nuts. Accept it’s beyond your ability to control and focus on what you CAN do. Believe me - it works. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/03/24 03:25 AM |
| 8 | Why…….It helped me to understand that women love differently than men. Women love us like they love an accessory. Think of a woman getting a car - “new” to her. She’s excited to ride around in it and take it on adventures. She matches her outfits with it, takes lots of pictures and gushes about how new and exciting it is. Years go by and she hasn’t done a particularly good job of maintaining the vehicle. It’s been a workhorse for her and trudged along despite infrequent oil changes. The years of wear … | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/03/24 02:48 AM |
| 8 | My ex was told to pay me $7k and she basically broke down.Rare victory. Hopefully your child is doing well and relatively insulated from all this. Hope good things continue for you and your kid(s). | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/24 09:53 PM |
| 5 | The incredible element for meSorry you're here and experiencing this. I've often leaned into understanding "most men want their women to stay the same and most women want their men to change". Obviously over decades people will change in little ways and it seems the "way" they change is disappointing to both sides. This is because we want different core parts of a person to be consistent. Women are generally emotionally driven people. You've heard "well that's MY truth" come out of their mouths. This is because their worlds… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/02/24 04:16 PM |
| 1 | Who normally reaches out to negotiate the QDRO conditions?My ex-wife agreed to the date of separation. Happened to fall on a date my 401k provider happened to have quarterly info for this particular date. I'd saved for 15 years at that point and we were married just shy of 10 years (she left for her affair partner the month before our 10th wedding anniversary). So she agreed to half of 10/15ths of the value at that date. I reached out to my HR who reached out to the lawyer for the 401k and requested a QDRO for the value she agreed to. I had to send the… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/02/24 06:47 PM |
| 2 | Your x wife is a teacher.I agree. Certainly somethings come more naturally to one side of the other (young elementary school girls wanting to play more with dolls and boys wanting to play more with legos, for example) but conditioning is a powerful element. The lessons I've learned from these ordeals are crushing and impact many people outside of just me. I'll never be the same. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/02/24 03:44 PM |
| 2 | Your x wife is a teacher.It really is fascinating to me. Harder to be objective about investigating the source of their similarities when you're in the thick of the misery and fallout of divorce, but I'll share what I've gleaned. When I think back on my experience what I take away is the large amount of time she started spending with her divorced boss / friends. We were together for 16 years and she left for her affair partner the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. It felt like a "crabs in a bucket" situation t… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/01/24 03:44 PM |
| 7 | Your x wife is a teacher.I agree completely. Despite often spewed rhetoric to the contrary, men and women are simply different. The way we view and experience love included. You hit the nail on the head with the happiness perspective as well. So many of our ex-wife’s have read through the same guidebook and use the same phrases and expressions. Mine also said we “grew apart” and that was enough for her. She reported being unhappy for longer than she could remember and seemed to believe I was responsible for her happines… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/01/24 04:35 AM |
| 4 | Can’t make this upI’m sorry this is happening to you. I also had to endure our legal system to fully understand how broken it is. There rarely appears to be justice. The failures are rampant. I hope things resolve quickly and positively for you and your daughter. It’s a shame the predators like your ex-wife are able to so easily utilize a system designed to protect victims. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/01/24 05:47 AM |
| 1 | Claiming Alcohol Issues (CA, US)My pleasure. I'm glad I can contribute in this sub. I got a lot out of it when I started the process so its nice to pour back in. | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/01/24 05:04 PM |
| 1 | Claiming Alcohol Issues (CA, US)My ex-wife left for her affair partner on 5/29/2020. Our divorce was finalized in July of 2021. We maintained 50/50 custody of our kids for 3.5 years. At the end of August 2023 I was arrested for two domestic violence felonies based on lies from the woman I was seeing at the time. It was unrelated to my ex-wife, our kids and - of course - I didn't harm this woman. I was the victim. My ex-wife used my arrest to obtain a temporary restraining order. I was already back to work by the time it was fi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/01/24 04:35 PM |
| 1 | New Study Shows Approx. 55% of Men in US are Covert Narcissists.I’m with you. It really hurt me when I found out she’d been talking trash about me all day with all her co-workers. It all came out after I discovered her affair and I remember asking her: “don’t you think these are things you should’ve been sharing with ME this entire time?” She just sort of shrugged. She likely wasn’t interested in actually having meaningful conversations as she was already checked out and moved on. Probably felt good and cathartic to just shit on me to a captive audience who’… | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/01/24 05:50 AM |
| 11 | ForgivenessI've liked: "I forgive like a bank forgives a line of credit: I close the account - I write off the balance and I never open another account for them." | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/01/24 06:32 AM |
| 7 | Feeling Low"The woman you marry isn't the same woman who divorces you", they say. We maintained 50/50 custody for about 3.5 years before she pulled this move. She was clearly waiting for something like this to happen. I was arrested late Tuesday night, released on bail late Wednesday night and back to work Thursday morning. She filed for the restraining order while I was already back to work. Try to keep in mind the criminal system and family court system don't operate the same way. They say "we have to lo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/01/24 02:04 AM |
| 3 | Feeling LowHunker down and prepare for a long ride. I'm going through this in California. I was arrested for two false assault felonies (woman I was with for a couple months attacked me but told the police I choked her and punched her in the face). My ex-wife used the arrest to get a restraining order and temporary emergency custody of our kids. It's been four months since my arrest and the legal system didn't care about my ex-wife's lack of evidence for her claims (said I was a drug addict and that I was … | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/01/24 01:42 AM |
| 3 | The WifeyEverybody in my contacts list has their first and last name and a picture. I try to get a contact picture to have both of us but at least a picture of their face. I asked for three things during our separation. I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted my last name back. I never wanted to interact with her affair partner. Guess what I was able to "get"? The only thing I can control: zero interaction with her guy. Even to this day she tries to get me to acknowledge or interact with him and I refuse… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/12/23 07:22 PM |
| 2 | Should I go off the grid?“The woman you marry isn’t the woman who divorces you” is in full effect, here. Thank you for the warm wishes. The woman in my criminal case earned herself a DUI on Christmas. There’s always the potential that fact might contribute to helping get my criminal case dismissed, especially if she’s been dragging her feet or being difficult with the prosecution. Fingers crossed I beat that insanity quickly. It’s been four months and I’m sure my kids want their Dad back. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/12/23 03:01 PM |
| 7 | Should I go off the grid?The situation for many (most) of us is bleak. It really is amazing how much they can get away with and how much they're rewarded with using nothing but emotions and words. My ex-wife was awarded full temporary emergency custody over three and a half YEARS after we've been observing 50/50 (week-on/week-off) custody with zero hiccups. She used my arrest for a completely unrelated domestic violence situation (where I was arrested but the actual victim of the attack) to get a restraining order. She … | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/12/23 08:21 PM |
| 1 | Thought I knew pain until I saw my dog in the possession of another personFuck. This sub is cathartic but … ouch. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/12/23 01:35 AM |
| 2 | Sex decline with the established, decaying marriage.Browse through their profile for a few seconds. Don't feed the trolls!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/12/23 02:59 PM |
| 14 | Any men here who admit they were at fault in the marriage ending? How did you proceed with going through the divorce?I took accountability for my actions and responsibility for my faults and failures. Marriage is a union of TWO people and the intermingling of two completely different lives. My ex-wife took no accountability for her behavior and no personal responsibility for her actions. She was the hero in her story and never considered the possibility she could be the villain. I did everything I could do to recognize my failures to help work towards fixing what was missing but it was like pulling teeth. I re… | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/12/23 11:32 PM |
| 1 | Why do women complicate their lives so much?Hah! I feel that. So bizarre and yet … here we are!! I’m with you | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/12/23 02:04 AM |
| 1 | Why do women complicate their lives so much?Truth. I absolutely made this connection with the woman I fell in love with after my divorce. Any sort of normalcy made her uncomfortable. We were together about a year and it was incredible but her childhood trauma was profound. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/12/23 06:01 PM |
| 2 | Why do women complicate their lives so much?Yessir. Sounds very, very familiar. Perspective is a helluva thing. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/12/23 05:34 AM |
| 13 | Ex keeps emailing me about financial problemsHard to say. I’ve read from a lot of our stories they’ll often see their affair dissipate after some time and try to start picking to see if they can get back at you as their backup plan. This hasn’t been my experience but I’ve heard it often enough it seems to be a common trope. I’d be wary and stay vigilant. You have nothing to gain but much to lose by engaging. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/12/23 12:50 AM |
| 7 | Why do women complicate their lives so much?I know *exactly* what you mean! It doesn't make any sense when I think back on it. Like you, I just pick up as I go. Kids helped sometimes but they don't really make messes to begin with. The differences between sexes can be baffling. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/12/23 09:43 PM |
| 18 | Why do women complicate their lives so much?I remember thinking I was a slob. My ex-wife and I split the bills 50/50 and the chores 50/50 (except she did more dishes than oil changes and folded more laundry than weed eating). It felt like the house and every room in it was constantly in a chaotic flux. CONSTANT messes to clean up - dishes everywhere and clothes / toys scattered everywhere. I did my best to clean up as a team throughout the years (16 together - she bailed for her affair partner the month before our tenth wedding anniversar… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/12/23 08:58 PM |
| 3 | Does anyone miss being loved?I was concerned about this for quite a while. In addition to living in a lonely, dark place after I discovered my ex-wife's "emotional" affair - I was really worried I'd never be the same. I was right! Not necessarily the way I feared, but today I'm a much different man. It took months before the fog, fear and apprehension started to lift and I was able to really dig into becoming the man I wanted to be. I remember telling myself "I'll never become this attached again" and convinced myself that … | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/12/23 04:39 PM |
| 1 | Where/ when did my rights go?I’m not sure where you got a political leaning from based on my post but I agree most people tend to view women as needing coddling. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/23 03:15 AM |
| 3 | Where/ when did my rights go?Yessir. I'm on it and doing my best. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/23 05:34 PM |
| 2 | Survival ModeOutstanding advice. Love it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/23 05:09 PM |
| 5 | Where/ when did my rights go?There's no going back for me. People hate the labels but the reason the "red" pill exists is because the allegory between the choice in the Matrix is a great parallel. Once you've seen how the world really is and start to really understand the true nature of women: you can't go back. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/23 05:01 PM |
| 2 | Guys, do you feel lost without her?Like others have mentioned: this is the direct result of allowing your identity to become "husband", "utility", "fixture". Many of us naturally settle into these roles and feel comfortable in them but it's absolutely mandatory to have an identity out of "husband" or "dad" to avoid this and for an overall more enriching life. I definitely felt the way you do when my ex-wife bailed. We were together 16 years and she left the month before our 10th wedding anniversary for her affair partner. I was j… | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/23 04:52 PM |
| 7 | Where/ when did my rights go?Family court is the taint of the legal system. Absolutely insane and ridiculous how its run, how things operate and what's allowed to transpire. You hear about the atrocities but most of us fail to understand until we get in there ourselves. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/23 03:31 PM |
| 12 | Separation RecommendationsThe woman you're interacting with here isn't the person you once knew. That individual is gone. The husk of a person you'll be interacting with is diametrically opposed to you. She will try to make you suffer. When you look back on this after everything's been finished and settled for a while you'll realize that conceding and being equitable was foolish because you were interacting with a stranger, not your wife. Your kids (depending on their ages) will remember the strangeness. Get things over … | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/11/23 03:23 PM |
| 2 | Back to this thread after finding out my wife’s infidelity. Should I inform the other person’s wife?It really is bizarre how people can react to this sort of news. Our group of friends had a dude in it a couple years back that habitually cheated on his girlfriend. We’d hear things but never see them. Then he started getting comfortable and just admitted to doing it. Constantly and with different women. Long story short: they break up and when she started asking people about it they’d share what they’d heard or knew. At the end of it all they get back together and they get pregnant and all the … | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/11/23 01:02 AM |
| 2 | Why the hate/animosity?I'm happy it didn't work out that way for you! Thanks for the warm wishes. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/23 05:07 PM |
| 2 | Why the hate/animosity?You got it. Nobody is the villain in their own movie. They've got a wicked case of "Main Character Syndrome" and couldn't possibly be the bad buy. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/23 03:56 PM |
| 2 | Why the hate/animosity?In my case: zero evidence. My ex-wife used a completely different, unrelated arrest (false domestic violence claims from a now ex-girlfriend ... also with zero evidence) over three years after our divorce to get full custody. I haven't even been to trial in my criminal case and the family court case awarded my ex-wife complete custody with once per week supervised visits for me. This was after three + years of 50/50 custody with zero issues. Zero evidence of any harm during our relationship, the… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/23 03:53 PM |
| 1 | F Her MentalityWell written. Thanks for sharing. Sounds very familiar and I’m sorry you had to endure it the first round - not to mention a second. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/23 01:58 AM |
| 14 | I still miss her...Hang in there. Just when we think we’ve got things figured out, we’re wrong. You’ve got an opportunity to become the man you want to be, now. You can do this without the constraints that come naturally with marriage and a full time family. What you can’t do is travel back in time to change things or behave differently. What you can do is use all that wisdom, perspective and experience to be the best version of yourself going forward. Many of us feel and felt the way you do and did. Let yourself … | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/23 12:41 AM |
| 13 | Will I regret deciding to never get married?This is true. I feel like the type of person to hang in there until the end and care for you like this would probably behave that way whether you were married or not. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/11/23 09:07 PM |
| 4 | She fucked another manI'm sorry, man. I hope you're able to rebuild yourself into the man you've always wanted to be and this doesn't jam you up for years. I tried to help my friends and acquaintances like this when I was going through the process and I realized pretty quickly none of them wanted my unsolicited advice. I guess virtually everybody is like that and not just in matters of love or relationships - just in general: people don't want to hear it unless they're specifically asking. Unfortunately in the case o… | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/10/23 02:18 PM |
| 1 | Just found out the full extent of my ex's fuckeryPeople don't cheat on those they love and respect. It's as simple and indifferent as that. Just like "the woman you marry isn't the woman who divorces you", the person cheating on you doesn't love or respect you. Maybe they did at one point but you aren't dealing with that woman any longer. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/10/23 02:02 PM |
| 3 | Just found out the full extent of my ex's fuckeryThis is part of the reason infidelity is so painful. It's inherently insidious. Starts to make you question everything. "What else was untrue? How far back does it go?" I even went so far as to get a paternity test done for both of my sons. Thankfully they're both mine but the betrayal is all encompassing. I'm sorry. Hope you're able to hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/10/23 01:58 PM |
| 6 | Who gets to keep the car?Legally (at least in the state of California) it would be your property as it was yours before you were married. Whether that's true or not probably doesn't matter if she *wants* it. How badly do you want to fight for it if she wants to drag things out to fight about it? I lost many things in my divorce but the physical property ultimately wasn't that big of a deal. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/10/23 10:20 PM |
| 2 | Maybe just dumb not narc (but with more context)Everybody is the "Main Character" in their own story. Nobody wants to be the villain, right? Now imagine somebody is making a movie about the story of your life. Somebody has to play the ex-wife. If that actor went to the ex-wife to try to extract information to give the best interpretation of the character as possible ... something tells me the ex-wife would suddenly be the best version of herself possible. She'd downplay all the nonsense, conveniently forget all the crazy antics and try to spi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/10/23 06:09 PM |
| 3 | Married male friends have become NPCs.Definitely. We can only control ourselves, what we do and how we react or respond to things. Knowing these things is important and changes our world and perception of how things really work. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/10/23 02:50 PM |
| 7 | Married male friends have become NPCs.I get it, believe me. I know I’m a difficult man to love and I’m sure I’m just as difficult to be friends with. I try to keep that in mind when I consider my friendships and just try to be patient and equitable. Sometimes just listening can suffice and continuing to be open to them having an opportunity to do something with you is always smart. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/10/23 01:05 AM |
| 9 | Married male friends have become NPCs.Absolutely. This is one of the many reasons "perspective" is one of the most difficult things to obtain. Nearly everybody has to endure experiences like these for themselves in order to benefit from the knowledge or transformation. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/10/23 10:50 PM |
| 32 | Married male friends have become NPCs.Lots (most?) of us were like this. I've been on this subreddit for several years now and the countless stories mostly sounding the same can't be a coincidence. Many of us seem to be raised and conditioned to mold ourselves into utilities. We want to provide and be needed and wanted for our utility. We associate all of the oil changes, house repairs, dirty plumbing jobs, yard work and long hours at work to be reflective of our worth and indicator of the love we have for our families. Doing these … | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/10/23 10:48 PM |
| 2 | Dating again ?Sure. I didn’t have a massive friend group by the time my marriage dissolved. Like many of us id poured my entire being into my family and neglected other relationships almost entirely. The few friends I still had a good enough relationship with to call on were my primary outlets. I’d met my current best friend at work which is unusual for me as I generally don’t have “work” friends. He’d left the company to work for the state a year or so before my ex-wife left for her affair partner and I’d st… | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/10/23 03:49 AM |
| 3 | Parental alienation / mental abuse online support groupBest of luck! I hope everything works out for you and your family. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/10/23 11:27 PM |
| 5 | Parental alienation / mental abuse online support groupIf you haven't had experience with the legal system (specifically false accusations including domestic violence charges or child abduction stuff) it's really easy to sit back and say "I'm not a guy who is just going to cede certain things". When you're pushing your nose where it doesn't belong *legally* and get hit with a temporary restraining order and possibly get arrested I can guarantee you'll start approaching things differently. In the VAST majority of situations like this you can only mak… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/10/23 09:38 PM |
| 9 | Dating again ?I was with my ex-wife for sixteen years and we were together since our Senior year of Highschool. I wasn't really worried about dating because I was completely distraught and just trying to survive when she left. As I started to improve over the months by reaching out to friends and family (as well as a counselor) I forced myself to challenge myself. Part of that was doing things I normally wouldn't but a lot of it was just getting out and about. The amazing, year long romantic relationship I go… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/10/23 05:44 PM |
| 1 | Ex monitors my phone calls with our kid...deal with it or address it?Thank you. I know our kids will find the truth eventually. Hopefully others do, too. | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/10/23 02:47 PM |
| 2 | For those that have been betrayed and working on letting go.I agree and I'm pleased you're in a place where you can focus on letting go. Everybody grieves, heals and processes things differently and on different timelines. I believe it's important and necessary to remember during this period that you understand forgiving and moving on does NOT mean you need to forget. I've forgiven my wife for her infidelity and dissolving our family and relationships to be with her affair partner. I forgave her like a bank forgives a line of credit. They close the accou… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/10/23 03:01 PM |
| 3 | Useful solutionYou broke up? Don't we generally use that terminology for dealing with the loss of a romantic relationship with a girlfriend or even woman you're engaged to marry? I mean ... technically I guess you broke up but the term "divorce" is singularly unique and quickly describes a multitude of emotions and situations most of us on this subreddit typically associate with losing our wife and closest friend/lover/partner/companion, family and kids as well as our belongings and identities. I don't mean to… | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/10/23 06:27 PM |
| 2 | Ex monitors my phone calls with our kid...deal with it or address it?It could've gone better but it definitely could've been significantly worse! She's not familiar with the court system (I wasn't either and have just started getting experience with the false accusations from about a month ago) and it's pretty obvious. Criminal and civil court interactions are different and handled much differently. For example - when I first talked to the judge handling my criminal case I'd been in a cell by myself for about 14 hours. I couldn't eat much (I have celiac disease a… | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/09/23 03:09 PM |
| 3 | Are AP's really this dumb?Exactly. You nailed it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 11:21 PM |
| 8 | Are AP's really this dumb?Misery loves company. I've noticed the trend for sure. Women start hanging out with and spending time with more and more divorced and single women who continually poison them over time. My ex-wife was surrounded as well. One of her closest friends / ex-boss, her Sister (who also left her husband after she had an affair with another man), her best friend as well as co-workers. All divorced and all raving about their single lives while crapping on me all day every day. Crabs in a bucket. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 10:26 PM |
| 9 | Are AP's really this dumb?It's an important lesson to learn, for sure. My ex-wife was (I have no idea who she is now after hardly speaking to her the past three years) of the mind that her happiness was my (and whoever else) responsibility, not hers. I can't imagine living my life like that, but many people do it every day. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 05:22 PM |
| 10 | Are AP's really this dumb?I'll wager you're right! | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 04:31 PM |
| 7 | Ex monitors my phone calls with our kid...deal with it or address it?I dealt with this as well and felt exactly like you. I'm still the same man I was when we were married (aside from some small changes like working out every other day and expanding my network of relationships). Still the same present, dedicated and loving Father I've been since our kids conception. SHE decides to cheat and dissolve our family so she can be with her affair partner and now *I'm* the one that needs to be monitored and spied on? Once I realized they were going to be listening to my … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 04:24 PM |
| 27 | Are AP's really this dumb?They're operating with the same mentality of every person getting married. They're all facing the same divorce rates and statistics but they all think "that'll NEVER happen to me / us" and "she cheated on THAT person because they didn't do xyz". Try to talk some sense into these folks and they almost always get defensive and / or have their eyes glaze over. People aren't looking for objective truth. They listen for anything that'll confirm their beliefs and biases. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/09/23 04:11 PM |
| 18 | Wife is leaving me for AP and I've kept it quiet that I knowMy ex-wife has been with her affair partner for over three years now. I thought for sure she'd realize the mistake she made but it turns out the sixteen years she spent with me and our boys was the mistake. The divorced, alcoholic cashier she dissolved our family to be with actually lived with his *divorced* parents when she walked away. I'd never heard of that living arrangement and just KNEW after a year or so she'd come back with tears of regret. I remember struggling like you're struggling. … | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/09/23 10:22 PM |
| 6 | Definitely won't miss...I stopped calling them accidents and use collisions, now. These aren't an accident. People think they're the main character in their own movie and that the rules don't apply to them. Failing to turn their low beams on, use their turn signals appropriately, rush through intersections when they know it'll turn red on them and just generally behaving like they're more important than everybody else leads to behavior that'll cause a collision - ESPECIALLY if you've got both drivers demonstrating such… | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/09/23 04:03 PM |
| 2 | Ex Wife acting strangeI’d be extremely concerned about being alone in her place with no witnesses. I’m going through false domestic abuse charges at the moment (unrelated to my ex-wife) and believe me: you do NOT want to get into a he said / she said with this kind of thing. You WILL be arrested and it can happen without a shred of proof. I’ve lived my life with integrity and it turns out she can simply say you did something horrible to her - with no marks of any kind on her - and you’ll get arrested at gun point whi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/09/23 08:23 PM |
| 1 | 22M Getting divorcedVideo game called "Counter-Strike: Global Offensive" | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/09/23 06:41 PM |
| 1 | WardrobeI get the AO - I bought one of the COZ and didn't like it but I think its just a texture thing for me. The PYCA Pro feels like a really comfortable cotton / polyester blend. Not moisture wicking to my knowledge but it feels stronger and lighter than my graphic tees. Hah! I generally wear my birthday suit but if I've got somebody sleeping with me I like to have something comfortable for both of us to wear. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/09/23 08:43 PM |
| 1 | WardrobeCUTS is amazing - their elongated fit is the best for me as they fit my torso perfectly. I'm sort of between a large and extra large (both fit my arms perfectly but my belly is more of an issue). I love their long sleeves as well. I really love the PYCA Pro material and the AO Long Sleeve Henley is a staple for me! Their Legacy Bomber is amazing but I should've never spent that amount of money on a jacket (I already have a bunch that're significantly more affordable and still great). I also love… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/09/23 08:11 PM |
| 2 | WardrobeThis is great! I think when we're discussing updating our wardrobes we're aiming to be the better versions of ourselves. Like u/Gattsama is saying - don't dress for "them", dress for you but make sure the clothing choices you're making are age appropriate (not the "Hello, fellow kids" meme) and fit properly. I like having a variety of sleek, dark toned options that can be cycled out (I've got three or four polos and henleys in black, gray, blue etc. from CUTS that fit my frame well and I can use… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/09/23 02:53 PM |
| 3 | Am I wrong.......She wants to be friends so she can paint the picture that she isn’t a monster for dissolving and discarding your family. “See? We’re still friends and have a great relationship! How badly could I have behaved?” My ex-wife was incredulous when I told her no. I’m a great friend. I’ve got lots of people that want to earn my friendship and HAVEN’T destroyed my marriage with infidelity and lies. Why on Earth would I hand the glorious gift of my energy or attention when you’ve behaved despicably? Woul… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/09/23 02:14 AM |
| 5 | 401KThis was my experience in California. Once I had the divorce decree (that outlined what amount she was "entitled" to) I forwarded it to my Human Resources department. They reached out to the lawyer who drafted a QDRO, gave it to the plan representatives who sheared a slice off my existing 401k balance in the percentages to get her what was outlined in the decree. Because nothing was withdrawn I didn't pay any penalties or fees - just saw my value drop off significantly and she suddenly had a fre… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/09/23 06:21 PM |
| 2 | Facebook officialHang in there. At that distance out I was still dealing with so much anxiety and dread I felt like I was going to throw up and explode if I wasn’t moving at 100 mph. Keep clocking in and don’t give up. Your life will be different. Some parts will be worse for sure but others will be better. Mostly it’ll just be different. You’re making the world a better place and it’s better with you in it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/08/23 04:24 PM |
| 2 | Facebook officialI appreciate that - thank you! It’s all relative. I had a year long relationship with a woman afterward that showed me I wasn’t just a utility to be tolerated. She bailed and I’ve struggled to recover from the loss but it was the best year of my life. Hope you’re well. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/08/23 04:17 PM |
| 2 | Facebook officialI had the same thing going on. I even gave her the money to file and she couldn't be bothered to do it. She was getting her benefits paid for and didn't have a "reason" to divorce me so it took forever. Solipsism for sure. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/08/23 10:23 PM |
| 5 | Facebook officialI'm sorry and I wish there was something I could say to help. Losing my family and access to my kids half the time was devastating. Don't give up and hang in there. If you keep waking up and taking care of business it'll all work out. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/08/23 08:30 PM |
| 5 | Facebook officialI get it, believe me. My family was shocked when my ex-wife left after sixteen years (the month before our tenth wedding anniversary) for a divorced alcoholic who lived with his divorced parents. People change and often in ways we don't expect. You clearly don't approve and that's understandable but there isn't much of anything you can do about it beyond being available for your kids and being the best version of yourself possible when they're in your life. They'll see what's important and to wh… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/08/23 08:27 PM |
| 11 | Facebook officialMany of us have experienced this and know how you feel. Unless it was specifically documented in the divorce decree there isn't *anything* you can do about who she has around the kids - and even then it'd be extremely difficult to enforce (realistically). Thankfully this goes both ways. I took solace in knowing I make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time. I no longer know anything about my ex-wife but I hope she still loves our kids and does the right thing. Beyond that I do the best I can do w… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/08/23 08:20 PM |
| 15 | How are you guys able to live alone?It was definitely a process and helped me realize the co-dependence my ex-wife and I had developed. It's really important to be comfortable being alone but it absolutely took time, care and discipline to get there. I think having the opportunity to spend time with friends (outside of the home) as well as having my kids half the time helped a lot. It wasn't really about profound loneliness for me as much as enduring the loss of my spouse and family. As I continued therapy through Zoom and counsel… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/08/23 04:42 PM |
| 4 | Divorce questionI agree. Seems like a permanent solution to a temporary problem. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/08/23 05:32 AM |
| 3 | Best place to sell ring?Like many of us, mine was effectively thrown away. Not sure it was cathartic but I got rid of mine and never looked back. | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/08/23 02:04 AM |
| 2 | Separation.Some people like “fake it ‘til you make it” but I prefer embracing the power of positive thinking. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have, kind of stuff. You don’t like how you’re feeling right now but you need to know this isn’t going to last forever and that you WILL be okay. Knowing my kids needed me helped tremendously in this regard. I could be the hero they viewed me as when I had them (50% of the time) and I could collapse into a miserable heap when they were gone. Fine. It last… | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/08/23 12:57 AM |
| 3 | Separation.You’ve made strides many others in your position haven’t. They gave up and punched their own ticket or imploded, becoming shells of their former selves. You’re already winning by continuing to wake up and handle business. This is your opportunity to become the man you want to be, regardless of what happens with your relationship. Remember what’s important and understand your kids need you in their life. Children crave discipline and need to see it in you to appreciate obtaining it themselves. Be… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/08/23 11:40 PM |
| 1 | What makes marriage successful?Thanks for chiming in! Always good to see your thoughtful posts, Gattsama. | /r/Divorce_Men | 05/08/23 12:03 AM |
| 9 | What makes marriage successful?Hard to say. The phrase "the woman you marry isn't the same woman who divorces you" comes to mind, here. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/08/23 08:04 PM |
| 6 | What makes marriage successful?My pleasure. I know many of us are very critical of ourselves post-separation / divorce and I think its important to take note of this. It's possible or even probable we could've done "better" but its a two way street. Knowing there isn't a limit for expectations and that even the best of the best of the best can't maintain their marriages should show us to be kinder to ourselves. | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/08/23 06:16 PM |
| 36 | What makes marriage successful?Tom Bradys divorce should tell you everything you need to know about your question. He is arguably the G.O.A.T. for his field, is classically good looking and by all accounts is a dedicated Father and Husband. He meets all the "checklist" criteria for modern women (6 figure income, 6 pack abs, 6' height etc.) and STILL saw his marriage dissolve. Look at the "husband store" joke. It boils down to this: it is NEVER good enough. There is NOTHING you can do to negotiate desire. There is absolutely z… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/08/23 06:01 PM |
| 4 | I do not want to save this marriage, and I married for ONLY the wrong reasonsThis is a great way of looking at it and I'm sure all of us felt the same way. The truth is having a fantastic time for half the duration we're used to is significantly better than an awful time, all the time. Everything is clearer with hindsight but now that I'm on the other side of it all I know my kids are good and I'm happier even though we can't be together all the time like we used to. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/08/23 03:07 PM |
| 1 | Did I make the right call?We’re on the same page and I hope you’re well, Brother! | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/08/23 03:32 AM |
| 2 | Did I make the right call?I agree with you that its infinitely better for two positive male influences - no doubt about it. I just hate associating positivity with somebody comfortable with participating in such destruction. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/08/23 08:39 PM |
| 1 | Did I make the right call?I wouldn't define a "good dude" as somebody who knowingly participates in destroying a marriage. I also wouldn't put a "good dude" in the category of people who have sex with women they know are married. They might be a functional member of society but on the scale of good and bad individuals they hover somewhere around the stuff you scrape out from underneath the refrigerator and naval lint. As others have posted: it's possible the affair partner has been fed lies, but if the guy is coming over… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/08/23 06:25 PM |
| 5 | Update on Divorce and SeparationGlad you’ve continued waking up and clocking in. This victory might not mean much to folks that haven’t been through it but I’m happy you’re here and I’m proud of you. Keep hanging in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/08/23 01:09 AM |
| 3 | When your wife left you for someone she said to not worry about during your marriageYou're in serious trouble, my man. Dig deep and take a hard look at your relationship. These tropes and stereotypes don't exist for no reason. If you're frequenting this sub you've likely seen the same story and patterns of behavior rattled off over and over. Take care of yourself - you're likely in for a wild ride. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/07/23 03:13 PM |
| 1 | Just recently got contact info on one of my STBXW affair partners.Thank you! I will. Boundaries are a good thing and a boundary isn’t a demand. Hope you’re well. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/07/23 10:29 PM |
| 1 | Just recently got contact info on one of my STBXW affair partners.I acklowledge that it’s petty and silly, but this is a small picture of the whole ordeal. I was polite, courteous, understanding, patient, considerate, equitable and thoughtful for months and years. If you’re able to view the whole thing from start I finish it’d be easy to see that all I want is to not interact with the individual. I take care of my kids and always will. All they have to do is nothing but they can’t do it. You give an inch and they take a mile. It’s never enough. This is the las… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/07/23 09:19 PM |
| 4 | Just recently got contact info on one of my STBXW affair partners.I agree with the other posters but I'd ask yourself what you truly seek to gain from this. I didn't get anything out of the little my ex-wife told me about her affair. When she was leaving I remember "asking" for three things: I didn't want to get divorced - I wanted my last name back and I didn't want to interact with her affair partner, ever. Guess what I got? The only thing I could control. Over the years she's grown increasingly irritated at my refusal to interact with the guy. He'll never g… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/07/23 03:52 PM |
| 9 | Just a quick rant. I’m going through a divorce…My ex-wife also wanted to be friends. I believe this is all part of wanting to re-write history. "See? We're still friends and on good terms. He wouldn't be friends with a home wrecking, life shattering monster, would he?" Don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to mourn and love the woman you remember. Unfortunately the woman who divorces you isn't the woman you married. In virtually all of these stories - even being equitable, patient, kind, understanding and just yearning for change ... it n… | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/07/23 08:45 PM |
| 14 | Just a quick rant. I’m going through a divorce…This is one of the many reasons marriage counseling is considered a WOMBAT (waste of money, brains and time). By the time the counseling is suggested or participated in the woman has almost certainly already completely checked out and grieved the loss of the relationship. It's all just keeping up appearances at that point and they don't want to appear to be a monster so they go for a time. Then they can say they did so and tried to work on things when really there was nothing to work on because … | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/07/23 08:14 PM |
| 3 | The hardest part is knowing that nobody cares if I live or dieI think quite a few of us got ourselves in the same situation. We allowed ourselves to let the family life become everything and once it all crumbled there was nothing left. It won't last forever and when you start taking back your life and becoming the man you want to be you'll be able to choose who you surround yourself with. I'd recommend staying away from work "friends" if possible, but that's just a personal note. I like to keep my professional life as separate as possible and while I have … | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/07/23 09:33 PM |
| 3 | Separated and in a holding patternI'm sorry, Brother. I generally try to avoid pessimism but focusing on your facts leaves little beyond it. Like others have mentioned: she had to have purposely planned this. The likelihood she just stumbled on an apartment while she was having "a moment" is astronomically low. She's almost certainly been thinking about this for months or even years and working behind the scenes to achieve her goals. I'm fortunate to be one of the men who *haven't* had to deal with false accusations, police repo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 07/07/23 02:48 PM |
| 28 | I want to understand what the hell happened.I'm sorry you're going through this and I also struggled to try to understand. I thought if I could just get the right frame of reference or perspective it would somehow make it easier to deal with. Unfortunately that understanding and clarity never came. The only thing that really sort of made sense was the Lightswitch Effect. Here's a copy + paste from u/basically_a_genius summarizing: I've posted this before, but thought you might find it helpful. Your wife is a textbook example of the lights… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/07/23 10:20 PM |
| 2 | Wife cheated on meThis subreddit helped me a lot at the beginning of my ordeal. I come to try to help other men who find themselves in the thick of it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/06/23 12:55 AM |
| 5 | Wife cheated on meMy ex-wife's affair partner lived with his *divorced* parents when I first discovered their affair. I briefly entertained a fantasy revolving around banging his Mom, becoming his Stepdad and giving him an allowance when I came over for family meals. | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/06/23 06:36 PM |
| 11 | Wife cheated on meMy pleasure and that's totally normal. Grief is complicated and it'll come in waves. I noticed over time that eventually the waves would be shorter and less intense as time passed. Nothing lasts forever including how we're feeling right now. It won't help in the moment but if you keep waking up and handling business you'll get stronger and more equipped to deal with it. You can begin the process of building yourself into the man you want to be. That man will be capable of handling all adversity … | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/06/23 04:28 PM |
| 26 | Wife cheated on meI'm sorry, Brother. It'll hurt for a long time and there likely isn't anything anybody will be able to say that'll help. I'd estimate it took me a solid six months before I realized I forgot to wake up and think about her or her reprehensible behavior. Everybody is different but these days I rarely think about her and when I do it isn't the gut-wrenching betrayal you're feeling now. It's been three years and life is much different. There was a period of time there where I felt like if I wasn't m… | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/06/23 03:14 PM |
| 5 | New Study Shows Approx. 55% of Men in US are Covert Narcissists.Yep. People in general will go through some wild mental gymnastics to justify their garbage behavior. One day my younger son told me his Mom’a affair partner “didn’t like me”. I asked him how that could possibly be considering we haven’t interacted in any form - ever - over the past three years. Trying to get my kids to think critically, here. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/06/23 05:37 PM |
| 1 | All the petty shit I left out of my last rant.When I started dating after my ex-wife bailed my mind was blown. I didn't realize how much being "tolerated" for years and years had impacted me. Being truly desired (and by an extremely attractive hardbody at that) by a woman that *wanted* me around and looked FORWARD to having sex with me made my head spin. It's unreal the levels we'll go to in order to take care of business and keep things running. Setting ourselves on fire to keep our ex-wives warm is common but once you get out of the fog a… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/06/23 02:29 PM |
| 2 | Name TattooI put a bold, red “VOID” stamp on mine. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/06/23 05:16 AM |
| 4 | Is it worth it to have kids anymore?I was with my ex-wife for sixteen years and she bailed for a male co-worker the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. Before we had our first son I was at the point where I was comfortable not having kids. I didn't necessarily *not* want them but I figured if it didn't happen that'd be okay with me. My ex-wife told me she'd never be happy if she didn't have any. As you can imagine: I didn't want her to be unhappy so we agreed to have two. Now that I'm divorced (and I'm also a child of divo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/06/23 08:11 PM |
| 2 | Walkaway WifeI know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Wearing that ring for nearly 10 years only to see it suddenly absent was strange. When the callus was finally gone I actually missed it. My ex-wife was my best friend back then and I'd grown so used to texting with her all day long I realized I'd set myself on fire to keep her warm. Once she was gone and I started reengaging with my friends I realized how codependent I'd become. I no longer recognize who I was back then. Things are different now - s… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/06/23 05:30 PM |
| 2 | Walkaway WifeWow. This is an outstanding comment. Thank you! | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/06/23 05:00 PM |
| 6 | Walkaway WifeI remember my ex-wife saying the reason she held it all in was because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I couldn't believe it. How could she think divorcing me and separating me from my kids would be less hurtful than telling me years earlier that she was unhappy and didn't want to be with me anymore? We even had another kid during this period of time she told me she wasn't in love with me. Insanity. | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/06/23 04:57 PM |
| 4 | Walkaway WifeYour story mirrors many of ours. Women handle things differently than men in virtually every avenue. When women "vent" we try to "fix" the issue despite our significant other typically having no desire to resolve anything. We're surprised when the separation and divorce happens because for many of us: if everything is going "normally" there isn't an issue or anything to suspect. They're grieving the loss of the relationship before we even realize there's trouble. We view the destruction as absol… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/06/23 04:52 PM |
| 1 | Ex wife got pregnant with current bf asks for money forI remember that at the beginning. Little things like "I can't get Google Meet to work - any ideas?" all the time. I'm clenching my teeth so hard it feels like they're going to explode but ... "Why don't your ask your affair partner?" "Okay" A lot of us were just utilities. Once we were thrown away the utility disappeared ... but they still want it. That's all it is. I don't think its malice - its indifference. We were just a tool for them. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/06/23 08:40 PM |
| 1 | I don’t understand ,she wants you out and a Divorce, buy I’m the one who filing why is that ??My ex-wife bailed for a male co-worker after sixteen years - the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. She had no idea what she was doing. That morning she agreed to stay and work on us (I'd found out about the affair two or three weeks earlier) and stay with our family ... but then she went to work and I'm guessing he "worked" on her all day. When she came home that evening I could tell she was neutralized as soon as she stepped out of her vehicle (still weird to see some other dude drivi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/06/23 08:28 PM |
| 5 | All the petty shit I left out of my last rant.Somebody in this subreddit did a really good job of breaking down the differences between how men and women love and it really helped me. They compared a woman's love for her man as the love she has for her car. When she gets it she's really excited - its fresh and different and has that "new car" smell. She shows it off to her friends and matches her outfits with it. She takes it on adventures and she truly loves it. It enhances her life. Over time, however ... It loses its luster. It isn't bri… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/06/23 03:02 PM |
| 1 | Tiny Success StoryI'm not trying to be critical of you. I've just known a lot of people who "pretend" to be somebody they aren't and the results don't usually pan out like they'd hoped. I think its difficult enough to navigate the world with a genuinely happy demeanor - adding extra layers only seems to make things more difficult. Check out "Fuck What They Think" from Strung Like a Horse. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/06/23 06:46 PM |
| 3 | Tiny Success StoryThis is awesome, OP. Focusing on your Daughter and her joy for life is all the good stuff. Your ex-wife is digging her own grave as your Daughter is already paying attention to everything BOTH of you are doing and how you're conducting yourself. I'm happy for you regarding the hot, fit blonde - but I do worry about doing things "contrary" to our nature. I'd hate to see you get yourself in a position where you have to be a different person, but if you're making small steps (already gymming - why … | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/06/23 02:50 PM |
| 12 | Need advice about dealing with jealousy seeing my ex-wife with her boyfriend.This is the way, OP. Appreciate the little things. Revel in enjoying the small stuff. People will show you who they are. Believe them the first time. Once you’re beyond the devotion and love you’ll see that you’re worth more than tolerating somebody that would treat you like garbage for only to be tossed in the trash. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/06/23 02:37 AM |
| 4 | If Your Getting Married In The U.S Remember These 3 Things😂😂😂 I loved it. I can’t remember where I heard it. Either this sub or maybe Joker’s YouTube channel. I’m sure it’s been circulating a while. Good stuff. Gotta be able to chuckle at our situation sometimes. | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/06/23 01:19 PM |
| 56 | If Your Getting Married In The U.S Remember These 3 ThingsI've always liked: "Thinking of getting married? Instead - why not find a woman that hates you and buy her a house?" | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/06/23 06:15 PM |
| 4 | More single dad success stories please!It really is interesting how differently people behave around women, men and the intermingling of both. Kids are always a trip and I'm happy you're enjoying the dynamic of your Daughter and her friends. That's the good stuff. I don't know if I can really provide a success story but I know my sons are happy. From what they tell me about their time at their Mom's place it seems like it's mostly her affair partner controlling and regulating things. Hard to say as I've never looked at or interacted … | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/06/23 05:37 PM |
| 1 | Telling the kids was brutal…Thanks for the warm wishes! We can’t change the past or control what other people do. All we can do is be students of history and ensure we’re constantly learning and evolving and making good decisions ourselves. Hope you’re doing well. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/06/23 02:37 AM |
| 1 | Signs Marriage is OverThanks, man. I’ve learned along the way that I forge extremely strong relationships that make it very, very difficult for me to give up. Platonic and otherwise. I believed everything I said in my vows. It was a long journey. | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/06/23 04:45 AM |
| 1 | Telling the kids was brutal…You’re right. This is one of the reasons I hold perspective as one of the most valuable things in the world. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/06/23 04:43 AM |
| 4 | Telling the kids was brutal…By her own admission: divorcing my Dad ruined her life and her relationship with all three of her kids. She squandered everything (got a significant amount of my Dad’s retirement account, equity from the house and cars) including spending it on the dude she moved in a month after she booted my Dad out. It took her a very long time to acknowledge her role in the destruction but she finally accepted it. She tells me she’s lonely and will die with nothing. I see her a few times per year and we have… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/06/23 11:08 PM |
| 1 | Telling the kids was brutal…Hang in there! | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/06/23 04:20 PM |
| 7 | Telling the kids was brutal…I'm sorry. Men tend to try to rationalize and understand these things because that's how we're wired. Then we get frustrated that there is no answer because our ex-wives don't think like we do and their decision making process isn't objective at all. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I remember reacting similarly to your son when my parents told us about their divorce. Again there wasn't infidelity which made it even stranger. We couldn't understand why our Mom woul… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/06/23 04:09 PM |
| 18 | Signs Marriage is OverI didn't actually *really* understand it was over until several months after she'd been living with her affair partner. I truly believed she could come back and we could be closer and better and stronger than ever. I think the catalyst for the change in mental state was a text message asking if she could swing by and peruse through a bunch of the stuff I was hanging onto for her (since she downsized into a tiny apartment with the affair partner and couldn't house everything she owned). I don't r… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/06/23 03:50 PM |
| 8 | Should I(28M) reach out to my wife(29F) who wants a divorce.It definitely reads like its more important to her to continue binge eating than it is to live a healthier lifestyle and have more sex. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/06/23 02:56 PM |
| 3 | Why are we so easily to call the way she’s behaving BPD?Exactly. I was formerly friends with an overt / classic narcissist and this is exactly the kind of thing he'd do. He'd do whatever it took to be able to transform (as temporarily as necessary) into the person he needed to be. It was all a farce and just necessary to camouflage himself to continue his manipulations. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 07:39 PM |
| 2 | Why are we so easily to call the way she’s behaving BPD?I appreciate you - I’m alright. Things are different. Not necessarily better or worse. Divorce changed my life when I was growing up and again as an adult. Changed me for sure. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 04:15 PM |
| 3 | Why are we so easily to call the way she’s behaving BPD?I'm sure they lie about what transpires in therapy quite a bit considering they know nobody could ever fact check them (outside of a group session). Disappointing but not unexpected. I'm sorry you had to endure that and I hope you're doing better. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 04:08 PM |
| 3 | Why are we so easily to call the way she’s behaving BPD?This was my experience as well. Not with my ex-wife but the woman I fell in love with after that relationship was over. In trying to understand and improve and better myself we talked about the failure of that relationship and tried to understand why it impacted me so hard. Apparently some of these folks are clever enough to do exactly what you're describing (see? I went to therapy and I'm great but you're a monster) and know exactly what they're doing. Seems pretty awful - can't get most to go … | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 03:31 PM |
| 12 | Ex wife wont let my kids meet my girlfriendThere's absolutely, positively zero chance I'd even entertain a *conversation* about such a thing with my ex-wife, let alone actually acquiesce. My ex-wife decided to start banging an alcoholic, divorced cashier who lived with his divorced parents while she was married to me. I don't even know if I'd give her the satisfaction of a disappointed heavy sigh. I make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 03:12 PM |
| 12 | Why are we so easily to call the way she’s behaving BPD?I think a lot of us are struggling to seek understanding. Because we're dealing with something we can hardly comprehend we're violently flailing - trying to grasp anything that can provide perspective. Cluster B disorders like BPD and NPD are difficult to diagnose, primarily because the afflicted don't seek treatment. As a result we can deduce there are many people floating through life with OUT a diagnosis who happen to have children and husbands, etc. who have no idea what they're dealing with… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/06/23 03:04 PM |
| 5 | How did your social life change after divorce?Ditto for me. I effectively had no social life. I enjoyed being married and the life we had but … “you don’t know what you don’t know”. When it was over (and I also had 50% of the time to fill as I saw fit) I remembered how important developing relationships is. I’ve acquired dozens of friends and hundreds of acquaintances. Completely different life. Not better - not worse - different … and that’s okay! | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/05/23 02:30 AM |
| 2 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?That’s fantastic. Keep it up! “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 09:14 PM |
| 2 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?You got it. Very, very well put!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 09:09 PM |
| 1 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?My pleasure! I don’t feel like I get to contribute to many peoples lives very often so thanks for letting me know I helped a bit. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 08:59 PM |
| 2 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?Exactly - ditto! I focus on what I know to be true (your Mom loves you - she wants to see you / talk to you - I don't think she meant for that to happen, etc ...) and avoid trouncing poor decision making on her part. Whether she does the same I'm not sure but it doesn't matter. They'll look back on how I handled things and that'll either be reinforced by her or amplify what she did poorly. Keep it up | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 05:36 PM |
| 4 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?I'm with you. I also heard "I'm at peace" as well as quite a few variations of "well, that's *my* truth". No ... no, it isn't. There's THE truth and the mental gymnastics they perform to feel like they aren't awful or behaved abhorrently. I no longer care about my ex-wife or what she / her affair partner does. I've been jammed up about my ex-girlfriend for a couple years, now, and that's a totally different issue. You'll get there with your ex-wife, Brother! Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 05:20 PM |
| 3 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?Thanks! I know this is a critical piece of the puzzle for us so I really wanted to share. It's true and important and will be for the vast majority of us. If we're raising our kids properly (raising adults) they'll see the truth without the need for us to manipulate anything. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 05:17 PM |
| 8 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?Definitely different stories - that's for sure! Now that I'm on Dad detail half the time and adventure mode the other half, I can be whoever I want to be. It turns out these younger 20's women *say* one thing and actually *want* another ... just like their older counterparts. Maintaining discipline while still being true to myself allows me to be the mysterious "badboy" without being a sack of shit. I pretty much give them all the same script: "I'm emotionally unavailable and broken. I'm in love… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 04:44 PM |
| 10 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?100%! I remember sharing with my Dad a while back how much of a loser I felt like. He asked why and I broke it down for him. I lost the closest person in the world to me, my family, my friends, my home. I had nothing and nobody. I lacked drive, ambition and desire. He asked me if I thought he was a loser when he went through the process and I realized: not once did I ever consider such a thing. In fact, when my Mom did nothing but incessantly shit-talk him: he said nothing negative. He *always* … | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 03:46 PM |
| 6 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?Yessir. Throughout the separation and divorce it felt like the folks behaving despicably were the ones "winning". I know they're empty husks of people that compromised their integrity and lie and cheat and steal which makes their plastic smiles vapid and meaningless but when you're down in the dirt, nearly broken and exhausted ... all that honor and integrity helps very little. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 03:43 PM |
| 7 | Life after Divorce - Who here gets the "side eye"?I was going to comment with something to this effect. I especially struggle with this - even knowing and understanding this is how things work - when it comes to my kids. It's frustrating but eventually people will see the truth. I know my kids will realize and absorb what their Mom did and understand I did the best I could do with what I had available, all things considered. Same thing with past "friends" and acquaintances. My story, motives, plans, actions and behavior never changed and I've c… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/05/23 03:11 PM |
| 2 | Emotional affair, Don't know how to proceed.I urged my ex-wife to seek counseling after years of hearing about her shitty interpersonal relationships at work with absolutely ZERO end in sight. Nothing she wanted to fix - just word vomit every evening. Convinced her to go - finally - because I could no longer stomach being an emotional tampon about the same issues with the same women. When we arrived (I told her I'd go with her because I thought she needed the support): she told the therapist we were there for MARRIAGE counseling. Jesus. S… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/05/23 05:37 PM |
| 3 | Relentless, unending heartbreak is the best cutting diet imaginable.I can relate. I went from about 195 to 165 before I started feeling better. This was while I was continuing to work out every other day but I was hardly eating. It’ll get better and you’ll miss being svelte. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/05/23 05:48 AM |
| 1 | In a weird spot regarding relationships, does anyone relate?I feel you, Brother. I’ve found myself telling my friends (who seem to live vicariously through me at times) that “this isn’t the life I want but it’s the one I’ve got”. | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/05/23 04:55 AM |
| 3 | need help. I found the text messages and I don’t know what to do.Absolutely. It'll be extremely difficult but this is NOT the time to be bold and make snap decisions. Calm, collected and unruffled is the way. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/05/23 04:44 PM |
| 3 | need help. I found the text messages and I don’t know what to do.Excellent advice! | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/05/23 04:37 PM |
| 1 | Struggling tonightPerspective is one of the most difficult things to obtain and arguably one of the most important things we need. You’re right. I was completely and utterly alone. No kids (half the time). The woman I was in love with was knocking boots with a shitlord who was living with his DIVORCED parents - pressing buttons as a cashier after destroying his marriage with alcoholism. Not only was I alone but I’d been replaced with somebody that didn’t create my kids or foster their development or participate i… | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/05/23 04:01 AM |
| 13 | I'm losing the only family I have. I can't afford therapy and don't have anyone, while she has a great family to support her. Honestly, thinking of ending it.You're not going to do that. A permanent solution for a temporary problem is NOT the move, my man. I fell in love with a woman after my ex-wife left and her Dad died in front of her when she was eight or nine years old. He had a heart attack and died right there. She grew up without her Dad and I can absolutely, positively tell you it dramatically impacted her. Your boys need you. You're not raising kids - you're raising adults. They're looking to you to form the foundation of who they'll be whe… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:48 PM |
| 1 | Struggling tonightYessir. I still have letters and e-mails from my ex-girlfriend gushing about how perfect and fantastic I was and how wonderful our relationship was. How she wanted nothing else and was SO happy and couldn't wait for the future. All re-written. All gone. I can't imagine living like that. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:27 PM |
| 1 | Struggling tonightI remember my ex-wife wanting kids SO badly. She told me I was personally responsibly for her unhappiness for the rest of her life if I didn't agree to have them. She *only* wanted to have kids with me. When I discovered her affair and I was trying to figure out what the hell happened she told me she couldn't remember the feeling of being in love. Our younger son was three years old at that point. I was thinking "you don't remember THREE YEARS AGO???" Either that or she wasn't in love when we ha… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:26 PM |
| 2 | Struggling tonightThank you for sharing your story!! What you're saying is so true. It can't rain forever. The gym portion is huge. Initially I was going because I'm a man of principle and conviction (and I told my ex-wife I would). Then I started getting the attention from the women who liked the shoulders and forearms and biceps. Looking good and taking care of yourself simultaneously is fantastic. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:22 PM |
| 1 | I think she burns food on purposeI sometimes wonder if being tolerant and equitable and polite is *encouraging* the blatant disrespect we're subjected to. It might be better to publicly shame them. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:15 PM |
| 2 | Should I leave?I'm not sure if you're being serious and really don't understand the comment u/ofbdcb36 made and I responded to, but we're in agreement that relationships can be difficult to maintain. Marriage is intended to be for the rest of your life. It's *your* life and you're obviously considering ending things. I'm not trying to be hurtful or tell you what to do but you're the one asking if you should leave, right? If your vows included "well, not really forever or until we die ... but how about until we… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 08:13 PM |
| 38 | Struggling tonightI know how painful it is and I'm truly sorry for your loss. Like you, my ex-wife bailed for a male co-worker when my kids were 6 and 3 years old. The patterns of these women are so consistent it feels like they're taken from a textbook "How to Destroy Your Family and Pretend You're the Victim". I'll never forget that first night. The saying "the silence was deafening" never made more sense than that evening. A few weeks later I was in a new place right up the road and I remember hoping it'd make… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 03:44 PM |
| 4 | I think she burns food on purposeThe narrative these women push (that we're man-children who clearly have no concept of reality and lack the ability to care for ourselves or anybody else) is hilarious and sad. If you hang out around this subreddit long enough you'll read story after story of men working all the hours, paying all the bills, taking care of their kids and staying on top of the chores ... mostly single handedly. Then when they're divorced they're continuing to do all of these things, but now they're only doing them… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 03:25 PM |
| 2 | Should I leave?I've been saying this for years and I've pretty much stopped. Nobody wants to hear it and nobody seems to care. I try talking to my friends and acquaintances about marriage, what the significance is and how overwhelmingly risky it is ... and they just handwave it all away. People legitimately act like it's just a logical evolution of relationship status and nothing more. I knew *exactly* what I was doing when I decided to get married in that I knew it was for LIFE and that I was accepting all th… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/05/23 03:04 PM |
| 8 | In a weird spot regarding relationships, does anyone relate?Yep! This is the way. It's unfortunate because - like we're mostly agreeing here - I want something I can't realistically have. I'd love to have a deep, long term relationship with all the trust and intimacy that comes with it. Unfortunately - after the dissolving of my sixteen year relationship resulting in divorce followed up with a heartbreaking abandonment from the woman I fell in love with afterward - I don't know if I have it in me to endure the fallout from another letdown. Now I feel lik… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/05/23 03:29 PM |
| 3 | How many of your all’s marriages were savable? But your wife refused to work with you.You've got it going on!! We're looking for progress, not perfection - and you're continuing on your path to greatness. The bad thoughts and nightmares will always find a way to creep in, like you mentioned. They'll become less frequent and less intense over time and as you continue to shape yourself and life into what you want it to be you'll find those thoughts and nightmares will change. Keep it up!!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/05/23 06:04 PM |
| 4 | How many of your all’s marriages were savable? But your wife refused to work with you.Absolutely true in my experience! The things most women find attractive about men tend to get *more* attractive as we age (power, status, possessions, finances). If you're taking care of yourself at the gym, have your own vehicle and place to stay and have a good group of friends ... you're going to crush it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/05/23 04:25 PM |
| 3 | How many of your all’s marriages were savable? But your wife refused to work with you.Relationships are wild, man. I had this frame of mind for a long time after my divorce - like "if only" she had invested, things could've been saved. It takes two people to get married and only one to divorce. Any relationship is savable and salvageable, but if our significant others don't want to do it - we can't "want" things hard enough to save them. It's almost certainly what led to the dissolving of the relationship to begin with. | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/05/23 04:21 PM |
| 15 | How many of your all’s marriages were savable? But your wife refused to work with you.After hearing the stories of my friends / families divorces I'm hyper aware of this, now. We need to pay attention to the *already* divorced, divorcing, wanting to be single and anti-male friends of our significant others. The crabs in a bucket are all pulling each other down in an attempt to "get out". In my divorce my significant other had her affair partner at work already working on her for 8 hours per day, 5 days per week. Then she had a close friend who'd recently divorced constantly reinf… | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/05/23 04:12 PM |
| 1 | Tax refundMy pleasure! I sincerely hope things turn out bright for you. It may take a while to get to a place where you’re feeling better but the fog is always difficult to see until you’re no longer in it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/05/23 11:31 PM |
| 1 | Tax refundI gotchya. Initially my ex-wife was "cool" with "letting" me keep the entirety of my 401k account. I saved 10% since I was 19 years old and we split all bills evenly. I worked more hours than her and made less per hour (but still made more money per year). She saved very little in her 403b. I believe she had ~$10,000 or so and I had around $150,000 by the time of the divorce. I vividly remember my Dad telling me I should just give her what she'd be entitled to because he was concerned she'd come… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/05/23 10:54 PM |
| 1 | Tax refundI’m not saying it’s fair but because of how specific things were regarding freezing everything else (not dropping her from insurance, for example) and listening to stories from other people regarding division of assets I’d suggest staying on the safe side. If you’re legally married when that refund check comes in and it’s technically funds in an account I’d hate for you to get dinged in court in the future for not giving her half of what they say she’s “entitled” to. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/05/23 09:40 PM |
| 3 | Tax refundUnfortunately my understanding here is there isn't anything you can do about it. Thankfully in the future (after you receive your divorce decree) you'll be able to file as single or head of household and no longer have to worry about it. I was frustrated about this as well and the fact that my ex-wife had zero motivation to file really started to wear on me. Eventually it was over and that couple years of still filing taxes as "married filing separately" is just a thing of the past, now. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/05/23 08:43 PM |
| 2 | Us or themIt's alright but thank you. We were able to reconcile a decade or so later but it put things in perspective for me. I think we should all rely on ourselves and be ready to accept when things don't work out. In the meantime I've got plenty of friends I've been able to lean on and lots of women to enjoy along with the bittersweet taste when they leave for one reason or another! | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/23 04:38 PM |
| 1 | Us or themI understand what you mean. My Mother also bailed on me (left my Dad for another dude who moved in about a month after she kicked him out of his own house). She kicked my Brother and me out in favor of this guy who didn't end up working out, either. Everything is conditional and nothing is forever. I'm not being critical of you at all - I agree that we should invest in and focus on platonic love with our friends and understand that even they will eventually move on, fade away or disappear and th… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/23 04:15 PM |
| 2 | Us or themWhile they last - absolutely. I'm not personally an advocate for men going monk but I think its really important to understand that nothing lasts forever. If we can simultaneously understand women (to the best of our abilities) and know that this isn't going to last forever but appreciate it while it does (sort of like ... enjoying a vacation and not having a temper tantrum when it ends) then I believe we should. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/23 03:07 PM |
| 3 | When your ex-wife start dating someone newThe amount of times we've (men in general but certainly me and my friends) heard the "I'm not looking for anything" followed up by a relationship update shortly after is too staggering to be a coincidence. The narrative that men are manipulative, exploitive womanizers and women are sweet, innocent truth tellers is tremendously frustrating. It really is no wonder relationships are so messed up on such a large scale when women can't even seem to communicate the truth when they've *already* burned … | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/23 02:59 PM |
| 4 | Dealing with SeparationNot to mention: if you’re hoping to “reconnect”, how is that going to happen if you’re not around each other? Always pissed me off when my ex-wife would delude herself by saying she could invest in our relationship while also pouring herself into one with her affair partner. There’s only so much water in the vase. You can’t fill two cups equally | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/05/23 04:33 AM |
| 12 | unconscionableI wanted three things during my separation and divorce. 1.) I didn’t want to get divorced. 2.) I didn’t want to interact with her affair partner in any capacity. 3.) I wanted my last name back. The only thing I “got” was the only thing I could control and of course that was zero interaction with her coward. Because she wouldn’t give me my name back I took theirs. Her affair partner gets to be “affair partner” for eternity and she’s a variation of “my kids Mom” or “my ex-wife”. I won’t use her fi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/05/23 02:27 PM |
| 1 | You guys are the fucking problemIt worked!!! Hook, line and sinker :) | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/05/23 04:39 PM |
| 2 | You guys are the fucking problemCool story, bro. You ever have a positive, meaningful conversation with anybody when they started the whole thing with "you guys are the fucking problem"? Look inward and say less. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/05/23 04:29 PM |
| 2 | Is it just me or is my STBX delusional?OP is likely a kind and thoughtful man. He sees a person he cared for deeply suddenly flailing wildly while drowning and he knows and understands they're going to struggle. He can't "turn it off" and feels badly about the situation she designed and put herself in. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/05/23 02:55 PM |
| 2 | RealisationI know exactly what you mean and how you're feeling. I struggled with this for a very long time. I don't think there's anything wrong with loving this person and wishing things were different. There are millions of people in the world married to somebody they have zero attraction to and you're not one of them. I promise it'll fade. The searing pain that comes with the thoughts of her being with somebody else will diminish as will your compulsion to masturbate to the thoughts and images associate… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/04/23 08:57 PM |
| 4 | Today is/was our anniversaryI know the loss you're talking about. It isn't the same but I've forged relationships with like minded men and find that the trust is there. Knowing they've got my back and will be there for me and love me is there. Support comes in lots of flavors and I try to appreciate what I've got while remembering what was lost. I look forward to enjoying the romantic intimacy I crave, again. The platonic love, loyalty and camaraderie isn't really what I was looking for but it's what I've got. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/04/23 08:49 PM |
| 12 | Ex having baby todayI'm not being critical of you - just trying to inject some perspective. I don't co-parent. I make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time. My kids are young enough (and apparently not quite interested enough) that team sports and after school stuff hasn't been a problem with that, yet. I find not taking a single thing my ex-wife would "want" me to do is fantastic. There were a few times over the last three years where she tried to get some kind of cooperation about something but eventually it all … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/04/23 06:41 PM |
| 2 | Eyes wide openThis is the way! I'm happy to hear you've been handling business and taking care of what really matters. You've honed in on one of the most important aspects which is keep waking up. Keep showing up. You've got this and you can do it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/04/23 05:33 PM |
| 2 | The pain never stopsThis is the way. One of my most repeated phrases lately has been "nothing lasts forever - including this". Happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, anger .. these are all just states of mind. If you ask me how I was feeling immediately after discovering the affair or after the divorce decree came in or any number of stages - I could take a guess, but I'm not in that spot anymore. We can't go backwards and we can't stay here. We have to move forward and we can do it well or do it poorly. Nobody wi… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/04/23 03:27 PM |
| 2 | The pain never stopsIn a few years you'll realize you don't want her to die. You just wanted the unbearable pain, anxiety and sense of impending doom to stop. One day in the future you'll discover that the pain *did* stop and it took a long time. It'll get less intense and come back and it'll cycle like that through waves over the months and years. The temporary satisfaction you'll get from hearing a story like you're seeking out won't mask the life altering damage you're enduring right now. Acknowledge what you're… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/04/23 03:15 PM |
| 3 | I wish I could understandThis is the way. I also gave my ex-wife everything she desired. When you truly have no idea what you want and believe another person is responsible for your happiness you get to the end of the ride and find that everything you got isn't what you wanted. I can't imagine my brain working like that and feel fortunate I'm able to live without my emotions overpowering my intelligence. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/04/23 03:06 PM |
| 2 | I wish I could understandI think that's the best way to set our baseline. Co-dependency seems like the only certainty if we're in relationships without being happy alone. I know I've been there before and I'll be at that point again in the future. It's important for me to fully experience the loss and process the relationship as over and seems to take quite a while. The women I've been talking to the past couple of years have *all* been told I can only do things super casually and that a full fledged relationship with m… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 10:28 PM |
| 1 | I wish I could understandLOL! I'll admit - I had to check imdb for that one!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 10:24 PM |
| 4 | I wish I could understandThis is why investing in us and living our lives as 100% "us" is so important. That'll be a decision you and you alone get to make. Even then - nothing is set in stone. I've found myself often saying "nothing lasts forever - including this". You may very well decide to give it up forever and find it when you least expect it. That was certainly the position I found myself in once I was finally "done" with trying to save my marriage. I figured I'd never be in love like that again and got to the pl… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 10:09 PM |
| 9 | I wish I could understandI hear that. Sounds familiar. When I discovered my ex-wife's affair and I was scrambling to do the "pick me" dance and "fix" everything all at once ... I remember her telling me "I don't know what I want. I just know what I don't want". That's bothered me ever since. I feel like that's just an impossible way to live. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 10:02 PM |
| 3 | I wish I could understandI'm sorry. Believe me, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants. I understand how difficult it is to walk away from or lose a person you care about like this. Minimizing your pain isn't what I'm trying to accomplish. Like u/stent00 suggested, many of us feel feminism is a systemic cancer. Not a lot you can do in general but certainly not for a woman you're in love with. Like I said: using the knowledge you possess now and continue to acquire will dramatically change the landscape for you… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 08:34 PM |
| 3 | I wish I could understandAbsolutely. I've never had problems attracting women and I get plenty of attention and sex. I don't really want or crave it unless I'm emotionally connected and in love with the woman which hasn't happened in years. It turns out I'm into thin, white blonde women with raging cluster-b personality disorders. I still engage in dating but I've stopped compromising where I would've before. Rather than stop playing the game completely I just stop playing when it's no longer "fun" for me, meaning I don… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 08:25 PM |
| 15 | I wish I could understandI'm not trying to blame you for anything or give you a blueprint for what could've prevented this. I like the phrase "you can either love women or understand them". I have no hatred in my heart for my ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or women in general. I've just realized the romanticized ideas we have and expect regarding relationships aren't feasible. The fact of the matter is that people change and your partner changed in a way that isn't good for you. Women tend to want to change their men and men te… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 08:16 PM |
| 16 | I wish I could understandYour story is very similar to many of ours. There are legions of us who did what we thought we were supposed to and what was sold to us by popular culture, media, our parents, friends and our wives themselves. We believed women were operating under the same rules as we were and that if we handled things, took care of business, provided and were present partners and Father's that everything would work out for us. Unfortunately it turns out what we thought we were supposed to do isn't effective an… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 08:04 PM |
| 2 | I'm so Tired. I'm exhausted. I've been Sleeping All day.Stress impacts people differently just like depression. There are just as many people who report binge eating and restlessness as symptoms of their depression as people who report hardly eating and doing nothing but sleep (like me). Stress can motivate some people to accomplish things they otherwise couldn't do but it can also cause folks to withdrawal and retract. If you've never found yourself in a situation like this I'd just try to take stock of yourself and focus on being kind to yourself. … | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/04/23 07:39 PM |
| 1 | RealisationMy pleasure! Thanks for helping the sub with your contributions. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 07:52 PM |
| 1 | RealisationSeems to me you're level headed and looking at things the right way! Like we're told (and know): it all gets easier over time. Keep waking up and showing up and you'll be okay in the long run. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 07:43 PM |
| 2 | RealisationI hope so, too. I feel fortunate that I very rarely need to see her. Her affair partners Mother picks my kids up (and watches them for several hours per day) on our exchange day and I pick them up directly from daycare on mine. Her affair partner isn't allowed unsupervised on my property and she seems unwilling to come around without the individual so if something needs to be dropped off (like the dump truck load of clothes I buy that rarely get returned) ... the affair partners Mother drops the… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 06:42 PM |
| 1 | Anybody not have a dead bedroom?Yessir. I generally try to make sweeping generalizations but ..... | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 05:39 PM |
| 4 | RealisationIt really is fascinating. Now that I'm well beyond the despair and sense of impending doom I struggled with at the beginning its much easier to appreciate how strange all of this can be. We all seem to respond differently and for some of us - radically differently. To be fair: I was very much in love with my ex-wife and completely stunned at the betrayal and abandonment. I knew things weren't good but I truly believed we'd hit a breaking point and come together if things got "too" bad. I never a… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 05:37 PM |
| 4 | My STBXW tried to convince me she needs a pedicure / manicure monthly. Which costs 1,400 annually. We are in the middle of negotiation, why the fuck would someone say that...I wish you the best of luck and I hope you discover happiness on the other side. Hang in there. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 04:40 PM |
| 3 | RealisationAlways great advice and I love constantly re-evaluating our relationships. Unlike marriage we can walk away if things aren't working or making us feel good / enhancing our lives. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 04:33 PM |
| 6 | RealisationI remember realizing I couldn't remember the sound of my ex-wife's voice. It wasn't a pleasant feeling but definitely strange. Once I was "done" and went no-contact (beyond strictly kid related information) it was exclusively text based. I learned later, in counseling, I dissociated much of our sixteen year relationship in order to "survive". It's weird to go back through memories and see my house, my kids and events with her just sort of ... missing. Not like I cut her out of a picture but more… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 04:32 PM |
| 17 | My STBXW tried to convince me she needs a pedicure / manicure monthly. Which costs 1,400 annually. We are in the middle of negotiation, why the fuck would someone say that...She doesn't look at love or relationships the way you do. You are a utility with one function. You're a "gimme" factory. You likely were for the twenty years of your marriage and she sees no reason for that to change. When you've lived a life of privilege and entitlement, equality appears to be torture. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 04:20 PM |
| 4 | Everywhere I look, I see happy couples.Very, very few people accurately document their lives. Nobody posts the pictures of them putting down their dog, or changing a flat tire in the pouring rain. I can't remember the last time I saw a picture of somebody frustrated with an e-mail saying they didn't get the raise or their family playing "waiting simulator" at Disneyland (its always smiles on the rides themselves). We live in a world where maintaining unrealistic expectations is the baseline. When you consider that and combine it with… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/04/23 03:58 PM |
| 8 | Anybody not have a dead bedroom?They call this “the crazy to hot matrix” and it’s overwhelmingly accurate. My ex-girlfriend was ridiculously gorgeous with a banging body and an insane sexual chemistry / drive. Also completely cluster b’ed out of her mind. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/04/23 11:36 PM |
| 2 | Please drop some wisdom for me - early 30s about to be divorced. The ups & downs?I’m happy I can help - thanks for your warm wishes | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/04/23 05:51 PM |
| 3 | Please drop some wisdom for me - early 30s about to be divorced. The ups & downs?This is one of the more interesting topics on this sub for a variety of reasons. The things that lead to the divorce and how the destruction unfolded seems overwhelmingly similar for most of the men that post here but the ups and downs on the other side can be radically different. I experienced a tremendous loss in the form of the way our families interacted and were intertwined. I lost access to her side of the family completely which meant the visits, dinners, outings and conversations were to… | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/04/23 03:25 PM |
| 1 | Having a tough time.I know how you feel. I have a deep drive and innate desire to be useful or "needed". With friends and family this feels good - with an ex-significant other it makes us a simple utility. Being useful shouldn't mean being used - even if it feels good momentarily. "They" say a lot of things, but I enjoy "if you're good at something never do it for free", in particular. You can help any number of deserving strangers and get nothing beyond feeling good about yourself rather than help somebody who div… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/04/23 06:43 PM |
| 1 | Having a tough time.I moved a lot growing up. I found that people created arguments to get angry with me (or other kids who moved away) because it was easier for them to deal with the loss that way, I guess. Gotta be the same mindset. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/04/23 06:40 PM |
| 2 | Is it better to marry girls who want to be SAHMs or ones who are career-oriented and “independent”?I’m sorry, my man | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/04/23 04:04 AM |
| 2 | Fuck, this hurts.Excellent. Love this. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/04/23 04:35 PM |
| 2 | Fuck, this hurts.Seriously. The concept of locking it away never made sense to me beyond general stoicism. There’s a time and a place and we all need to find it. I tell my sons it’s okay to be who they are and if they’re upset and need to cry to do it. I generally don’t cry in front of them (not the time or place) but we should be supported in knowing it’s an important part of the human experience. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/04/23 04:34 PM |
| 10 | Fuck, this hurts.I love everything about this and I’ll back this comment 100% | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/04/23 04:30 PM |
| 16 | Fuck, this hurts.Absolutely. Dating is the last thing you should be doing right now, except for drugs or hitting the bottle. You’ve got kids that need you and YOU need you. Dig deep - entrench yourself in the pain if you need to - but be the man you want to be and use this as the catalyst for the change necessary to make it happen. None of us are downplaying how you feel, believe me. We’ve been there. We know. I know. I thought it was going to kill me - but it didn’t. I love the man I am today. I got to choose w… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/04/23 04:29 PM |
| 14 | Does this ever happen?It's happening much faster than I anticipated. My older son will be an adult in less than nine years, now. I feel fortunate that I have absolutely zero contact with her unless we have to communicate *directly* about the kids. I'm learning that I got lucky in that my ex-wife isn't completely nuts or hateful or petty. She just didn't care at all - which definitely makes moving on and doing my own thing much easier. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 09:38 PM |
| 17 | Does this ever happen?I'm in the same boat as you. Every significant relationship I've had has yielded very few apologies from the other side. As far as keeping in touch - she enjoyed the feeling of superiority and control it gave her. Now that the strings have been cut and she's grasping out at nothing she realizes that power is gone. I'm sure any apologies or changes in behavior are calculated in an attempt to find a way to get him under her control again in some way. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 09:36 PM |
| 1 | It takes all my strength to even function for my kids.Thank you!! I paid the bills, bought groceries for the kids lunches and dinners and spent the little I had left on a four pack of Confused Therapist from Dust Bowl. If you enjoy beer give that one a shot!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 08:38 PM |
| 3 | It takes all my strength to even function for my kids.I'd take anything you can get that'll help you continue waking up and moving forward. If needing to look forward to her suffering and failing is getting you through the week, do that. I did and it lasted quite a long time before I realized I no longer cared or thought about her. As far as locking down your capacity to love: I get it and understand. People are all over the spectrum when it comes to their devotion to relationships and how they're impacted by them. I have lots of friends and acquai… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 08:14 PM |
| 2 | It takes all my strength to even function for my kids.You're going to hear that time is your ally and that's true. What helped me was operating like I did with my marriage. For me: divorce was *not* an option. That didn't matter in the end (because she had the affair and bailed and initiated the divorce) but I did everything that was right for me. In that regard I accepted that I *had* to make things good for my kids. There was no option to fail and I could suffer and be miserable and hate the world on the weeks I didn't have them. That'll be a lot… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 07:45 PM |
| 11 | ConflictedExactly. "Vindictive", she says. As though this morally bankrupt and deceitful person wouldn't 100%, without a doubt, absolutely and positively take ALL she'd be entitled to (or more) if your roles were reversed. Nobody is going to pat you on the back or give you a trophy for being "nice" once all the dust is settled. If anything you'll hear "why didn't you ask for what you were entitled to?" in a thousand different variations. The woman you're uplifting and championing is gone. The faster you'r… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/04/23 06:51 PM |
| 3 | Any father here got sole legal or physical custody?It was very important for me to have both of us in our kids lives. I didn't want to get divorced and I would've been okay if I didn't have kids (despite my ex-wife claiming I "didn't" want to have them), but now that we've got them I know they need both of us. It's already bad enough that we split their lives in two every other week. I'm not being critical of anybody else but 50 % custody is the maximum *and* minimum I would've taken. I could likely fight for more custody (her affair partners Mo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 04/04/23 04:09 PM |
| 2 | I just need to ventI don't want to create the impression that romantic relationships are something to avoid. What I'm trying to illustrate is that his romantic relationship with that person is over. We aren't hardwired to hang around a person we're in love with while they're bringing other men around and flaunting it in front of us anymore than we're hardwired to live in the ocean. I forge super strong relationships - platonic as well as romantic - and it's tough when things change. If one of my close friends star… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/04/23 06:39 PM |
| 2 | A question to the forumI'm sure its upbringing as I'm very aware men are conditioned differently than women in a wide range of things. I apologize when I'm wrong and I don't do it out of pettiness or spite. I don't like to hurt people - especially not the people closest to me. I learn and try to do better so I don't hurt them (and have to apologize) in the future. I don't know how I was raised to do this but I try to instill it in my sons, as well. Maybe we just don't teach our daughters the same way we teach our sons… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/04/23 04:38 PM |
| 22 | I just need to ventI understand the need to vent, but virtually every man in this forum will tell you that living with your ex-wife isn't good for you. I'd make it a priority to change that immediately - even if it means you'll take a hit financially. Medicating yourself should be all the evidence you need to understand how bad this is for your emotional wellbeing. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/04/23 03:07 PM |
| 4 | A question to the forumNow that I think about it - "sorry" in any sincere form has been exceedingly rare in my romantic relationships. I don't want to make a sweeping generalization that this is normal for women, but .... | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/04/23 03:02 PM |
| 12 | Scared off someone who wanted to fightOuch. I could go both ways on this. Dude could've been an absolute beast that just took pity on you and realized how horrible divorce is. Maybe he didn't want to add kicking your teeth in to the mix. On the other hand - I could see him knowing that your wife leaving you might've been the thin thread that snapped and that you now have nothing left holding you back from kicking *his* teeth in. Either way I'm happy you avoided an unnecessary conflict. Be good to yourself. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/23 06:05 PM |
| 1 | How did you guys deal with the guilt in regards to your kids financial support?I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I know how fortunate I was and that my situation was very unique. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/23 09:12 PM |
| 1 | How did you guys deal with the guilt in regards to your kids financial support?I've known parents who have done it like that. Depends on what works for both parties and how amicable things are. If you did six months straight and then your ex-wife had them for the other six months straight it'd still be 50/50 though I'm not sure how good that would be for the kids (or for the parents). My ex-wife used a county facilitator (no lawyers on either side) and everything was drafted by hand including the custody schedule. I don't see any reason why it couldn't be explicitly stated… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/23 05:43 PM |
| 7 | Ex moving to bf's houseMy understanding is that in most states, unless you have some sort of tangible evidence of inherent danger, there isn't much you can do. Your ex is going to be able to make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time (or whatever your custody agreement dictates). This includes where she lives and who she has around the kids. This is an uncomfortable and unfortunate reality but one that you need to absorb and accept. Focus on what you can do as you will only be able to control yourself and the decision… | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/23 04:17 PM |
| 12 | How did you guys deal with the guilt in regards to your kids financial support?She is using everything she knows about you to manipulate you into doing what benefits her the most. I'm a child of divorce and I've gone through it myself. Kids 100% can go back and forth in a 50/50 situation (or any other). This person isn't looking out for your best interests or the best interests of your kids. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/03/23 04:12 PM |
| 3 | The BEST parts about being divorced23 times … yikes. | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/03/23 06:59 PM |
| 4 | I'm drowning today. I can't handle this. It hurts so bad.This is fantastic advice. This is like grieving in the same way you’d mourn the death of a loved one. It’s extremely difficult and painful. I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t treat it as such. In a lot of ways it’s worse considering they’re still prancing around and we sometimes have to interact with them. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/03/23 11:38 PM |
| 10 | I'm drowning today. I can't handle this. It hurts so bad.I remember hoping this would happen. I'm coming up on three years since my ex-wife bailed for her affair partner and they're still (seemingly) going strong. I don't talk to her at all unless its specifically about the kids, but in a lot of ways I hope they continue on. To have all that devastation and destruction all for nothing would be horrible. There was a time where I would've been able to reconcile but now that its long gone - if it burnt up for her it would all have happened with absolutel… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/03/23 08:35 PM |
| 7 | I'm drowning today. I can't handle this. It hurts so bad.Betrayal is a blight on humanity. I remember feeling exactly the same way. I wanted her and the affair partner to suffer. I wanted them to hurt. I wanted them to have a permanent itch they just couldn't scratch. I gave into all of the hate and let it fuel me. My playlist on Spotify was named "Make Me Suffer". I'd listen to ALL the songs that made my heart ache. I'd have to pause my workouts so I could ugly cry. It's okay and very human to feel this way. I promise you: it'll pass. When I came to … | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/03/23 08:32 PM |
| 6 | Has anyone been suprised by their spouse's reaction?Absolutely. Pay little attention to what they're saying out loud and a significant amount to the things they're doing. This is a good practice to adhere to in life with both genders but it seems like we forget "actions speak louder than words" until we're shocked that they're doing things contrary to what they said. Then: acknowledge that you're going into a heated battle against an opponent who happens to be better armed, more vigorously trained and wants to destroy you. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/03/23 06:21 PM |
| 48 | I'm drowning today. I can't handle this. It hurts so bad.You're not going to die. You're at the first few steps of an incredibly long journey that will change many things about you. I also went to prom with my ex-wife. I also saw her graduate from college. We had many milestones together and at one point were so closely connected it often seemed like we were two halves of a whole. I'm still here despite feeling like my life was over. That life *is* over. That man is long gone. I like who I am today and you will, too. You can do this. Be kind to yourse… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/03/23 06:10 PM |
| 1 | Am I crazy to leave a “good man” because I’m unhappy at the lack of emotional connection?I get it. It's a difficult thing to love somebody. The heart wants what the heart wants and when you're capable of absorbing all the toxicity because you believe you're doing the right thing (for her and for your family) there's practically no limit to what we'll endure. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 10:50 PM |
| 2 | Am I crazy to leave a “good man” because I’m unhappy at the lack of emotional connection?The fact that she 'lol's the entire post irrationally infuriates me for some reason. Like its just this casual nuke she's dropping. Talking with her girls while stepping on ants - no biggie. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 10:38 PM |
| 1 | Am I crazy to leave a “good man” because I’m unhappy at the lack of emotional connection?Remember what almost all of us were like before the whole experience? Would any of us have listened to unsolicited advice? I'd love to help the man as well but I doubt he'd absorb anything we said. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 10:37 PM |
| 7 | The BEST parts about being divorcedDefinitely prevalent in the United States. I feel like a large part of it has to be upbringing. Men don't tend to grow up with the same mentality and we're also overwhelmingly expected to take care of ourselves and handle business. I'd wager that the vast majority of women who fall into this category were told they can do anything they want while having most tasks taken care of for them (from wiping their butts to brushing their hair and replacing flat tires and everything in between). There has… | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 02:55 PM |
| 2 | The BEST parts about being divorcedI’ve always loved and often use that quote. It’s good to know our worth. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 04:24 AM |
| 5 | The BEST parts about being divorcedLOL!!! I definitely remember this. I felt like a slob while married and I couldn’t understand it. As soon as my ex-wife bailed I discovered I contributed less than 5% of the mess but cleaned up half of it. Now that it’s just me (or me and my sons every other week) the house is nearly always spotless. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 04:17 AM |
| 5 | The BEST parts about being divorcedExactly. It was never enough. Side note, but it feels related. My ex-wife was beautiful and I told her how gorgeous and stunning she was a couple hundred thousand times. None of that mattered. All she remembered was the one time I didn’t want to bang while she was pregnant. That’s how it works for them. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 04:12 AM |
| 2 | The BEST parts about being divorcedI stayed at Sandos del Playacar and it was amazing! I went with my ex-girlfriend as part of a work trip for her (their office paid most of the expense) and we went after my divorce. It was incredible, though the fighting and bickering with her was disappointing. The resort was awesome and that little gated community was really interesting. The guard with a rifle and body armor guarding the walls was interesting. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/23 04:06 AM |
| 7 | Am I crazy to leave a “good man” because I’m unhappy at the lack of emotional connection?That dude is in trouble and about to have a very eye opening experience. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 11:26 PM |
| 7 | The BEST parts about being divorcedAbsolutely! I had a blast both times I went to Mexico. Went to Cancun for our honeymoon and Playa del Carmen with the woman I fell in love with after my divorce. Had a blast both times despite the trips being radically different. You'd be surprised what you can survive, though! My ex-wife was lovely for the most part. The betrayal at the end tainted much of my memory and I know (through therapy) I dissociated a lot in order to function, but it wasn't all bad all the time. Obviously there were ma… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 08:11 PM |
| 6 | The BEST parts about being divorcedIt took me sixteen years to figure that out. Some lessons are much more difficult than others. I'm happy that I've got the discipline to change my life and I'm definitely a better and different man. She bailed almost three years ago and I'm almost ashamed of the person I was before. "You don't know what you don't know". | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 05:30 PM |
| 3 | The BEST parts about being divorcedYou got it, Brother. I remember it starting slowly and at that point it was sort of easy to entertain. Toward the end (and by the time she wasn't coming home until 1 AM so she could tip-toe through the tulips with the alcoholic cashier who already destroyed his marriage and lived with his *divorced* parents) it became a full on bizarre sideshow. There has to be something going on psychologically and I'd really love to listen to smart people talk about why the childish obsessions happen and what … | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 05:28 PM |
| 6 | The BEST parts about being divorcedIt's so easy for me to apply this way of operating now (had a gorgeous ex-girlfriend for about a year after my marriage dissolved) but back then it seemed like there was no limit to what I'd tolerate or do for her and my family. I look back on it now and realize all the hard work I did was for nothing and I had zero to show for it. I gave it all out and now it's time to take it in. Fuckin' Disney adults are funny. I'm not trying to hurt the ones that aren't my ex-wife at all but it really is an … | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 05:24 PM |
| 6 | The BEST parts about being divorcedLOL one of my favorite parts of contributing to this sub is seeing how similar our lives are in all the countless ways. Our limits for what we'll tolerate are impressive but definitely not good for us. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 05:22 PM |
| 7 | The BEST parts about being divorcedI think I buried this one deep, deep, down and turned it into a tumor. I can't believe it took typing out the post to remember it. Dissociation is a helluva thing!! Women are built differently, my man. Hard to imagine doing something like that to her back then or even in general. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 05:18 PM |
| 19 | The BEST parts about being divorcedI hear you. I remember "vacations" being a big issue. My ex-wife absolutely, 100%, ONLY wanted to vacation to Disneyland. That was it. Not interested in going anywhere else for any reason (certainly not for my entertainment or enjoyment). A trip to Mexico, with *or* without the kids? Haha! No. I'm close friends with who is now the former owner of a ski resort and owns several luxurious cabins in that area ... could we have a week or so there? Nope. How about cutting out to Monterrey for a weeken… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/03/23 04:49 PM |
| 9 | 1 year post divorce. I am in a place I feel I can move on, she wants to reconcile.Definitely. At the beginning of my separation and divorce I had an amazing support system. I remember my Dad backing my play (which at that point was silly and was primarily doing anything I could to work on my marriage and relationship). My Dad suggested writing out a list of all of *MY* conditions for allowing her to come back. That was at the top of my list: she needed to consciously choose to come back and not just because things didn't work out with her affair partner. I needed her to want … | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/03/23 03:11 PM |
| 19 | 1 year post divorce. I am in a place I feel I can move on, she wants to reconcile.I'll add to this that they don't just want what they can't have - they want what *other* women want. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/03/23 02:57 PM |
| 1 | Benefits of filling firstI can see many similarities in us. There’s a thin line between a cop and a criminal. I fought hard to be part of my states police force but they rejected me for poor control of Type One Diabetes. Fought hard and took it to the states appeal board. I’m not a criminal but it’s easy to correlate the pettiness with choosing that kind of path. Like you, I performed my most glorious pick me dance. Looked like an absolute loser. Glad things are different and the timeline has moved forward. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/03/23 09:00 PM |
| 1 | Benefits of filling firstSounds like you’re a smart, level headed man. I’m glad you had the strength of character and necessary conviction to handle your business. Glad it worked out and you didn’t choose pettiness. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/03/23 06:10 PM |
| 2 | Benefits of filling firstI'll throw my two cents in here: my understanding is that the key is striking while they're less vicious / still sweet / in the whirlwind affair romance. This was the case with me. My ex-wife was so enamored with her affair partner there was basically zero resistance. I made tons of mistakes (and I've talked about it here for years) but I feel very fortunate that all I really had to do was be persistent in asking her "are you coming back or are you going to file?" type of questions. She was so b… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/03/23 03:09 PM |
| 2 | lonelyThank you - hard to say but I think I am. Many things are different. Some are worse and some are better but mostly things are just different. We’re all a work in progress. Keep it up 👍🏻 | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/03/23 11:11 PM |
| 2 | Looking for Opinions on settling my divorce through mediation (8 yrs married, 4 year old)Absolute truth | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/03/23 02:13 AM |
| 3 | Wife just informed me she wants a divorce.We tend to make objective decisions and rationalize things which I completely identify with. When we're dealing with this kind of situation we think about all the utility we bring and compare the good to the bad. In my experience: women don't operate like this. We can identify with what you're saying and swaths of us have been you in the story of our own lives. They don't care that you're a provider or a spectacular Father. They don't care that they contribute little beyond sewing chaos, disappo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 07:56 PM |
| 2 | lonelyThis was crushing for me at the beginning. It felt like it all happened so quickly I really didn't have time to absorb it all. I went from the discovery phase (found out about her affair) to moving to a new place (unrelated but good or bad timing, depending on perspective), to separation all within a month or so. By the time she bailed and we were on our one week with / one week without schedule I was still trying to understand what my life was like without her - let alone without my kids. Sitti… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 05:13 PM |
| 1 | Unable to be the father you desperately want to be.I respectfully disagree. You can be a wonderful Father without that being your identity. I believe it's much better to be you. "You" can be into fishing, shooting, video gaming, drag racing, pool, photography, martial arts, karaoke and any number of things while still being a Father. Being the guy who clearly has nothing to talk about or contribute to a conversation if it doesn't revolve around being a Dad is lame. I've been there. I love being a Dad but there's a lot more to me than that. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 04:33 PM |
| 1 | need your adviceI remember struggling with this. I was with my ex-wife for sixteen years and she had a habit of complaining about issues she never planned to deal with long before we were married. It definitely became a problem that compounded over time. Most men seem to hear an issue and naturally want to work toward solving it. What was happening in my situation was that she didn't want to fix it or solve anything. She wanted to unload the word vomit on me, feel temporary relief and then get "sick" again and … | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 04:29 PM |
| 1 | I saw the Fablemans movie today. I thought I was watching my own story.That sounds like the story of many of us. I get the impression we feel like we're good providers and amazing Fathers that become horrible husbands. It can't be a coincidence and that's why so many of these books and channels and stories from men lead to the conclusion that the lies we've been sold about marriage and women are destructive to everybody. Women continue to pretend this is what they want, but they really don't want "choreplay". They aren't really into emotional availability. The long… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 03:51 PM |
| 5 | Working it out or divorcing? Is it worth trying or just to simply let go?I'm not trying to be critical of OP but I can't understand the thought process behind an open relationship - at least from the perspective of a married man. I suppose I could see it if you're Chad Chaddington Chadwick the Third and were already going to bang a bunch of women openly ... and that's what you're telling the women you're involved with. If you're a married man and you've been in a committed relationship and she wants to be some other dudes cum dumpster ... what on Earth would compel y… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 03:38 PM |
| 1 | Looking for Opinions on settling my divorce through mediation (8 yrs married, 4 year old)LOL ... Lieutenant Dan in 'Forrest Gump', holy moly. Sometimes this sub actually cracks me up. Thanks for that. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/03/23 03:22 PM |
| 1 | 401k - When does it become marital?My scenario was unlike many of the men here but my ex-wife agreed to a pretty simple deal. She had a paltry amount in her 403b (maybe three or four thousand dollars) and I had something like $130,000 of value in my 401k. I'd been contributing for fifteen years and we were married for just shy of ten of them. She agreed to half of ten-fifteenths (ten out of the fifteen years). The day she left and our separation began just happened to fall on the last day of May and my 401k provider had a valuati… | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/03/23 05:44 PM |
| 1 | Why do wives try to show minor affection during a divorce (living together)?My pleasure! I'm happy I can help, if even just a little. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/03/23 10:41 PM |
| 1 | Why do wives try to show minor affection during a divorce (living together)?Smart man! I think people are trying to be helpful but a lot of these things can have restrictions loosened a bit. I don't think a hard 1 year is necessary for everybody. I'm sure lots of guys need significantly longer than a year just like some men don't need nearly a year. We're complex despite the world believing (and treating us like) we're simple. If you're being kind to yourself and working on self-improvement while correcting the things you don't like about yourself I'd say you're doing i… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/23 07:12 PM |
| 1 | 👉 co-parenting after divorce 👈I appreciate your insight and advice. I didn't realize until after the dust had settled from my divorce that my ex-wife and I don't co-parent. We each make 100% of the decisions 50% of the time. It's definitely different and means that a lot of the things I enjoyed as a kid (team sports or other consistent afterschool activities) are missing for them, but I suppose that could change in the future. Thankfully my ex-wife hasn't been manipulative or hateful by intentionally trying to make decisions… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/23 06:47 PM |
| 1 | Why do wives try to show minor affection during a divorce (living together)?I think it depends on the relationship! During the separation and divorce from my ex-wife I was chasing any lead I could find to get her to come back. Any interaction or connection or attention felt good. The problem was that all the chasing and the chemical dump became a drug addict chasing a never ending high. The relationship I had after was far from perfect but those feelings you're talking about weren't "dosed out". They were always there. The arguing and fighting (like all couples experien… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/23 05:55 PM |
| 3 | Why do wives try to show minor affection during a divorce (living together)?I think you might be falling into a trap we set ourselves that leads us to being much too critical of ourselves and way too hard on ourselves. Failure is a word that shouldn't be tossed around. I don't think you failed. Relationships shouldn't revolve around avoiding making a mistake to risk failure. Relationships evolve organically and I've found when I've looked back at experiences like this (like you are) and feel like I've failed - the relationship didn't enhance my life. We can only control… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/23 04:54 PM |
| 7 | Why do wives try to show minor affection during a divorce (living together)?I only lived with my ex-wife for a few weeks after I discovered her emotional affair and she moved out. During that time she had mostly already decided to bail. I didn't realize that, of course, and was trying to figure out what needed to be "fixed". Nothing needed to be fixed because she was done. As a result, the little affection she showed me was sort of like a parent patting their child and saying "there, there ...". I could tell she sort of felt bad. Like she bumped into one of our sons com… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/23 04:10 PM |
| 3 | Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny StoryMine also viewed (views?) her affair partner as her Hero / Savior. She doesn't realize that the months and months of her complaining all day long (instead of communicating with me) about me at work allowed him to sculpt his actions and become the person she described wanting. Thankfully its been a few years on my side. Had it dissolved immediately and all this destruction been for nothing ... I don't know - it feels like that'd be worse. I know paradise isn't what she hoped it would be (from bri… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 09:11 PM |
| 2 | Selling your ringMy ring was a pretty cool band from the 1940's and made from mostly iridium. She had it engraved on the inside and it had some filigree on the outside. There weren't any precious stones. I'm sure it wasn't worth much but because it was a platinum alloy I figured I could try to get something for it. I gave an ex-girlfriend that ring and my Dad's ring from his marriage with my Mom to see if she could get anything from it as part of a recycling program through her work. She never did anything with … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 07:21 PM |
| 6 | Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny StoryYou're right and thank you for sharing. While I was still doing the "pick me" dance I also tried to get her to see the mistake she was making. I asked my family to share the stories of their lives (particularly how divorce impacted them) and write her letters detailing it as part of a last-ditch effort before I could say I'd done everything I could do. My Mom wrote what became quite difficult to read as she shared how my Brother and Sister never had the same relationship with her and none of her… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 07:08 PM |
| 5 | Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny StoryAt the time I was horrified but now its interesting to look back and analyze. She would ask everybody she could find if her proposed plan (justifying leaving the family for her affair partner because "we grew apart") was a good move and minimized the 100's of "uhhh ... no?"'s but hyped up the 1 or 2 "you go, girl!"'s until it worked for her. 400 "no's" and 1 "yes" means "yes". | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 06:46 PM |
| 4 | First Anger in New RelationshipThis is an important moment for you! I considered this scenario in the next long term relationship I had after my divorce and had to decide what I was willing to accept. In my case I was willing to deal with *small* arguments and fights as long as I wasn't suffering from the debilitating issues that plagued me in my marriage (notably: being tolerated and used purely as a utility). The desire from my (now) ex-girlfriend was still there so I was able to continue the relationship without violating … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 05:40 PM |
| 7 | Old Habits Never Die - Kind of a Funny StoryIt's bizarre to us but has to come down to world class mental gymnastics. My ex-wife was the surprised Pikachu face meme when our circle pushed back on her behavior. She really couldn't seem to understand why anybody would think what she was doing was wrong. That's got to be the answer: they really don't think they're doing anything wrong. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/23 03:18 PM |
| 3 | My wife wants a divorce, I don't but not sure emotionally how to handle this (long).It sounds like she's going to have to put on her "Big Girl" pants and take care of business. You know - taking accountability for her situation and holding herself personally responsible, like an adult does? | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/02/23 03:45 PM |
| 2 | Wife "casually" told me what would happen awhile back. What is the reality in this situation?We'll be alright - just got to keep waking up and putting in the work to become the best versions of ourselves. Hang in there | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/02/23 09:19 PM |
| 1 | Wife "casually" told me what would happen awhile back. What is the reality in this situation?Try to be kind to yourself! "They" say a lot of things but in this case "hindsight is 20/20" rings true. We can't beat ourselves up for not seeing it at the beginning - especially if you've never experienced something like that. Challenging the end boss of the game when you've just cleared the loading screen is going to have much different results than pumping 1,000 hours into it and developing all the skills and unlocking all the abilities. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/02/23 03:23 PM |
| 2 | Wife "casually" told me what would happen awhile back. What is the reality in this situation?I think I destroyed it myself by trying to run around and put out all the fires she was starting. I didn’t start to feel better after stepping away. My development after my divorce was significantly better but entirely different than with my ex-girlfriend (which is who I’m referring to). I think the trauma bonding has done some bizarre things to me and I don’t know if I’ve made any progress in moving on. If anything I think I feel worse. In the past she does this thing where she’ll reach out jus… | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/02/23 03:07 PM |
| 2 | For whatever it is worth, fellas, it gets better after it is overMy pleasure. I know that feeling of being dragged. It's us being yanked - literally - from the old version of ourselves. The end result of change often feels good and accomplished but the act often causes friction. I was also literally dragged out of the house and sometimes I was pouting like a child but I almost always found myself feeling better after whatever event we indulged in. I've never taken those courses but I've enjoyed three man drills, engaging from vehicle and transitional courses … | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/02/23 10:41 PM |
| 2 | Wife "casually" told me what would happen awhile back. What is the reality in this situation?In my experience when we're experiencing strange behavior like a lack of trust (when we trust them) and accusations of cheating or wanting to know where you're going and what you're doing (where they likely didn't seem to mind before) and wanting to see your phone, it's almost always projection. They're doing things that violate your trust. They're cheating and going places they shouldn't be and talking to people you wouldn't be comfortable with and messaging people / sending pictures they shoul… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/02/23 09:39 PM |
| 3 | For whatever it is worth, fellas, it gets better after it is overI think a lot of us inadvertently make being a Father and husband our entire identity. When it all burns down around us there isn't anything left which creates that emptiness and lack of objective. The only thing we had is gone. I know now how important it is to have an an identity outside of those things and maintain friendships (or just enjoying acquaintances) as well as hobbies. If you're able to transition your way of thinking outside of the lack of self you feel now and move it to who you w… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/02/23 07:02 PM |
| 3 | How are we supposed to afford to live?I remember thinking I didn't have any time in the years before I had kids and - somehow - we made more time. I remember thinking I was always broke when we were married and I'm still surviving after the divorce. Obviously: surviving isn't thriving, but it's important to know you'll find a way. When I was married we split all the bills pretty much 50/50 along with "work" (she did more dishes than oil changes and I maintained the property more than I did the laundry). The difference when it came t… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/02/23 06:55 PM |
| 3 | 32 M asked for divorceGood place to be at for sure. I feel fortunate that I also wasn't worried about "stuff" and I felt confident I wouldn't have to fight for 50/50 custody. I ended up buying a lot of things for the house / kids once I knew she wasn't coming back but I also just wanted to be at peace. Happy you're on the right track, man. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/02/23 06:48 PM |
| 3 | 32 M asked for divorceHopefully you've learned a valuable and important lesson from this ordeal. Your significant other should enhance your life - not make it worse. By avoiding marriage going forward you can acknowledge that the way we feel (and the way they feel about us) is temporary. When the tingles disappear you can part ways without government backed extortion or watching half your life go up in flames. I know how awful this all can feel but we can't go back in time to do things differently. Hopefully we can m… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/02/23 09:33 PM |
| 10 | It finally clickedAs you'll hear often on this sub: it'll continue getting better. Having things "click" like this is just one of many steps you'll keep taking to become the best version of yourself. Hang in there and try to avoid situations like this where you're providing utility and gaining nothing but a temporary oxytocin swell. Being her emotional tampon for free isn't the path, my friend. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/02/23 06:35 PM |
| 28 | It finally clickedI'm happy to hear things clicked for you. Getting there takes significantly longer for many of us. I'm ashamed to admit it took me months during the separation before I really understood desire can't be negotiated. It didn't necessarily make the feeling of being discarded any less intense but definitely showed me how much time and energy I wasted trying to do the "pick me" dance. She'd already chosen and it wasn't me. "She's not yours - it's just your turn" | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/02/23 06:23 PM |
| 14 | Serious question. Was she sincere?Exactly. They’re trying their best to protect their image. My ex-wife was so frustrated and upset that I looked like “the good guy” that it came up in conversation several times. I told her that she earned all of the vitriol and side eyes she received because what she did was wrong and ugly. This is when “her truth” type garbage starts popping up. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/02/23 01:31 AM |
| 5 | How long will it take?You're doing an amazing job. I felt the same way at the beginning of my ordeal. You're taking the right steps to get to where you need to be - including letting ourselves off the hook from time to time. OP will get there as well. We can ease off punishing ourselves while still holding ourselves accountable and taking responsibility for our actions. As far as this particular thread: the hopelessness and desire for some piece of information is what drove me to ultimately delete my Facebook and Ins… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/02/23 05:55 AM |
| 1 | Divorce happened 6 months ago, but I haven't been able to let it goI’m sure there are many variables. In my experience it’s mostly a lack of consideration. These comments tend to come from people that want the issue to be over and resolved so they no longer have to concern themselves with it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/02/23 04:19 AM |
| 1 | Divorce happened 6 months ago, but I haven't been able to let it goI’m sure your Mom is trying to be supportive but the dismissive nature of comments like that didn’t help me, much. You’re right about the hindsight and it’s human nature to question why we missed things. You’re doing great by waking up everyday and showing up. I’m positive you’ll hear virtually every other man going through this (or those who are on the other side of it all) commiserate. I still feel foolish for missing so many seemingly obvious things that should’ve been screaming at me. I try … | /r/Divorce_Men | 09/02/23 01:41 AM |
| 1 | Divorce happened 6 months ago, but I haven't been able to let it goI think many people aren't hard enough on themselves throughout their lives. In the case of men during separation and divorce I believe we're generally *too* hard on ourselves. This situation results in waves of men punching their own ticket. Consider that for a second. Not being able to let go one of the most important relationships in your life is *not* unreasonable. We need to be kind to ourselves. Imagine being upset with yourself for not being able to let it go if an immediate family member… | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/02/23 11:07 PM |
| 7 | I now know how so many men can actually come to a low enough point to kill themselves.The best revenge is a life well lived. If OP doesn't give up he'll eventually come back better and stronger and realize he didn't notice forgetting about his ex-wife. She'll probably notice, of course. By the time he thinks "huh - I remember thinking this whole ordeal would punch my ticket" he'll be in a radically different position. Sometimes people will ask me whether I was happy or sad or any number of things during the separation and divorce or the marriage itself. Those feelings are just a … | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/02/23 05:07 PM |
| 1 | Today the guilt is getting to me.Sounds like you'd benefit from counseling. Sometimes having a neutral party to listen can help a lot. I felt so awful when my ex-wife bailed I could hardly function and virtually every conversation revolved around the separation and divorce. I knew my friends and family wanted to help but I had to acknowledge there wasn't really anything they could do and the constant misery was impacting them. I reached out to a therapist as part of my employers "employee assistance program" that offered three … | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/01/23 05:49 PM |
| 5 | Considering Giving Up Child Support for Peace of MindThings tend to take the path of least resistance. Easier to go to her lawyer and make things difficult (for OP) than it is to pay the $600. Add in solipsism with a dash of histrionic behavior and you birth this situation. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/01/23 08:58 PM |
| 33 | Considering Giving Up Child Support for Peace of MindIt reads to me like your ex-wife knows the tactics she's using are going to get you to give up so she can keep the money and you won't get it. She's acting like a child. If your children kept striking your shin with a metal bat every time you refused to give them a cookie ... and then the frequency of the cookie "requests" kept increasing along with the following bat-to-the-knee ... would you just give up and let them have as many cookies as they want? | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/01/23 07:07 PM |
| 4 | Down and StressedEvery day you wake up is a victory. You're raising an adult and they need you to be the best version of you. This is your opportunity to forge yourself into the man you want to (and know you can) be. I was in the same boat as you and many, many, many of of us have exceedingly similar stories. It took months before anything in life regained its "flavor". I showed up for life every day and continued pushing myself at the gym and continued taking care of my kids every other week and continued clean… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/01/23 04:09 PM |
| 3 | Anyone elses ex or stbxw really hot?I know exactly what you mean. Keep telling myself it'll get better with time - and I know it will - but I'm not there, yet. Interestingly I'm jammed up about the woman that came after my ex-wife. I've seen the evidence firsthand that its possible but it still feels impossible. The human brain is simultaneously amazing and tremendously complicated. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/01/23 03:38 PM |
| 2 | has anyone broke down in front of there wifeIt’s tough. I think as men we tend to want our significant other to stay the same while our wives tend to want us to change. In most cases we both end up changing but the parts of us that experience the change generally aren’t wanted or appreciated by the other side. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/01/23 09:00 PM |
| 6 | has anyone broke down in front of there wifeThe woman you married isn’t the same woman who divorces you. This is a major part of why we’re so baffled and confused during this stage of it all. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/01/23 06:56 PM |
| 1 | Ex PregnantI’m not trying to put anybody down. Just reflecting. I’m not sure I’ve got the fortitude to make it happen any older than I already am. Glad he did when he did, otherwise you wouldn’t be around. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/01/23 10:40 PM |
| 2 | Ex PregnantMan, my two kids are 9 and 6 years old. I’m 36 and already feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Can’t imagine getting started in another 8 years from now. My oldest will be close to adulthood by then. Weird to picture. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/01/23 09:40 PM |
| 4 | Going through an “uncontested divorce” and on 3 it states “This marriage is irretrievably broken” and I don’t agree with this. Can the wording be changed to reflect that she believes this but I don’t? Or is this just standard language that’s needed to file an uncontested divorce?This is all completely true. Also true: when you’re several years out from it all you’ll realize the things you cling onto no longer matter and likely never mattered. Integrity, neighbor a man of principle and conviction, loyalty. All these things are meaningless and you’ll look back on it and realize fighting for what’s right doesn’t and won’t matter at all. | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/01/23 01:18 AM |
| 1 | my bitch of an ex wife creates fakes accounts and messages herselfDefinitely. It was odd for me the first year of being single but now that I've shaken it all off I get to enjoy the benefits. I never cared to ogle women when I was in a committed relationship with the women I loved but those times are over. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/01/23 04:29 PM |
| 1 | my bitch of an ex wife creates fakes accounts and messages herselfHah! I'd be down. Never been to a Hooters but it's been years since I've been to Texas. Hang in there! | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/01/23 04:06 PM |
| 1 | my bitch of an ex wife creates fakes accounts and messages herselfI understand. Spending time with folks like this definitely causes you to question everything. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/01/23 04:02 PM |
| 1 | my bitch of an ex wife creates fakes accounts and messages herselfI remember this kind of bizarre drama with my ex-girlfriend. It felt like when the sea was calm she just *had* to create turbulent waters. Starting fights about nothing or arguing about trivialities with me was common if there wasn't some sort drama and anger associated with her peers or friends. She had some significant early childhood trauma and I'm convinced she needed to live in a state of semi-chaos to maintain a natural equilibrium. My relationship prior to that lasted sixteen years (I was… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/01/23 03:56 PM |
| 12 | Filing from the Couple that "had it all."I think subconsciously - we’re all aware of this after we’re done with it all, but I’m glad you shared your story. The common denominator in all of our stories is the emotional, irrational, complacent woman who can and will never have enough. I’m ripping this off from Val Kilmer in “Tombstone”, but it’s like they’ve got this giant hole right through the middle of them that can never be filled. They KNOW we’re responsible for their happiness and because things given have little to zero value, the… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/01/23 05:35 AM |
| 7 | 32 year old not-yet-divorced guy, moved out of my own house to get away from my abusive wifeYou strike me as a sharp, thoughtful and caring man. I'm terribly sorry you've had to endure such a relationship. It's always sad to hear (and experience) about relationships that start feeling amazing and devolve into horror. Our capacity for absorbing the trauma of those we love often seems to be limitless. I get the impression you're going to be better than you've ever been - as long as you can hang in there and continue being self aware and cautious. Remember that its really difficult to see… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/01/23 09:43 PM |
| 6 | Men, Marriage and Michelle ObamaWell said. This perspective is particularly difficult to inject into our friends and family because of the way we're treated culturally. We're idiots at best in television and film. Often creating more problems than we solve - despite the fact that we literally keep the world running. Its pervasive and encouraged and the mocking, belittling and negativity starts very early. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/22 11:38 PM |
| 2 | STBXW claims I ruined her life, career and any chance of us being friendsI’m confident she will be. Hang in there | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/22 06:37 AM |
| 3 | STBXW claims I ruined her life, career and any chance of us being friendsIt’s disappointing, abhorrent and sad. Unfortunately there isn’t a lot we can do beyond raising our daughters to be different. I’m sorry, my guy. Wish I could help. | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/22 06:34 AM |
| 3 | STBXW claims I ruined her life, career and any chance of us being friendsI get it. I’m onboard. I agree. Though I think some people have a tendency to form ultra strong attachments that our conditioning make it really difficult to break. I know I’ve operated this way for most of my life - including non-romantic relationships. I know and realize and understand rationally these people are bad for me yet it’s really difficult to “turn it off”. I guess this way of living means I’m more willing to give people who really aren’t shitlords the time and patience they need, bu… | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/22 03:16 AM |
| 3 | STBXW claims I ruined her life, career and any chance of us being friendsWait until OP hears her talking about how OP (and likely all her exes) are toxic and abusive. Running that playbook! | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/12/22 03:05 AM |
| 3 | What is the purpose of her hiding her real number from me when we are coparenting?Hah! Silver linings, right? We have to appreciate the little things. I’m in full agreement. Mirroring. Interesting and I think you’re right! | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/12/22 11:30 PM |
| 7 | What is the purpose of her hiding her real number from me when we are coparenting?Definitely this. I learned virtually everything there was to know about my ex-wife. Once she was fully committed to and shacked up with her affair partner she started doing all kinds of peculiar things. Behaving in ways she would’ve previously never considered and switching her stance on issues she held for years. Questioning MY stances despite knowing I’m a pillar of integrity and a man of principle. It’s pushed by their new significant other who likely projects their feelings of inadequacy to … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/12/22 10:26 PM |
| 23 | Why does everyone always side with the woman?Like Chris Rock said in one of his stand ups: the only benefit to being the Dad at the head of the table is the big piece of chicken. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/12/22 06:59 PM |
| 15 | Getting marriedYes - which culminates with “I never even loved this man” or some derivative. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/12/22 01:51 AM |
| 21 | Getting marriedThis is the story of so many of us. The woman who divorces us isn't the woman we married. Of course everybody - OP included - feels like they'll be the exception. *MY* woman would never do that. She'll never turn out like that. It won't happen to us!! I sincerely hope this man reads these stories of our lives and realizes how naïve it is to get married. I really want him to absorb it all and realize that he really doesn't need to get married. He can have a party and invite his friends and they c… | /r/Divorce_Men | 26/12/22 09:28 PM |
| 2 | Shes going to vegas all of the sudden.Yes! That's initially why I deleted Instagram and all other social media as I found myself obsessively trying to find out what she was up to. Now that it's all over I don't miss it at all. Deleting social media is a good idea for most people. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:43 PM |
| 6 | Shes going to vegas all of the sudden.This is the way. I found a couple male friends and mentors I trusted to vent about these things at the beginning. Trying my best to keep it brief helped keep them receptive without pushing them away. It can be helpful and any men who have been through the process will understand and provide their stories as well. Eventually, mentally she'll be in the position you're describing. Just another random stranger. Occasionally my people will ask me what my ex-wife is up to. I legitimately have no idea … | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:41 PM |
| 2 | Peace after divorceI'm happy you're experiencing joy. I was so miserable the last five or so years of my marriage and I really didn't comprehend it. Once I was "loved" and "adored" by my now ex-girlfriend I really struggled with the disparity. As long as you're patient with yourself and paying attention to all the possible red flags I'd say you're on the right track. My mistake was seeing the flags and accepting them because of how good I was feeling (despite the strange and bad times sprinkled in there). Once I w… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:32 PM |
| 1 | Peace after divorceI'd add to this: "nothing lasts forever - including how you're feeling now". That can be great and awful, depending on your circumstances. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:28 PM |
| 2 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesAbsolutely - I'm not being critical. You're doing great! | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:24 PM |
| 3 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesMy failures and inadequacies know no bounds. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 06:23 PM |
| 1 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesMy ex-wife said the same thing. "We grew apart" as though the vows we made were worth less than nothing (to her - they were!!). It seems many women truly mean "for better" and sweep "or worse" under the rug and out of sight. Once they've been bored long enough and get that steady validation stream from a better source they can leave with government extorted cash and prizes - courtesy of you. In your case she gets all of the benefits without any of the "chores" (like physical intimacy, emotional … | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:46 PM |
| 3 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesIn California (where I'm at - not sure where this man is located) he'll have to continue providing health insurance during the divorce proceedings, anyway. Hopefully that'll give him the reprieve he needs as once it starts it'll likely get ugly and long and uncomfortable. You're absolutely correct, though. Hopefully he pays attention to that paperwork. I have to provide healthcare to my children until they're adults and there's nothing in the decree that says its "paused" if I lose my job. The d… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:36 PM |
| 2 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesBeautifully said! I like that relationship insight: you, me and us. The disparity between words and actions is also great. We should (and maybe do) know these things but over time it seems to be forgotten. I always enjoy your comments and perspective. Please keep it up. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:32 PM |
| 3 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesSounds very familiar. We give them everything we can and everything they want and they're still "not happy". I vividly remember asking my ex-wife what she wanted. The response told me basically everything I needed to know: "I don't know what I want. I just know what I don't want". Can you imagine floating through life with that mentality? Me, either, yet we're plagued with stories like this and I can't help but connect the dots. If you're constantly unhappy and don't know what you're doing or wh… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:28 PM |
| 3 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesHarsh truth that needs to be heard, absorbed and understood! | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:24 PM |
| 5 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesDefinitely. Opportunistic predator from the sound of it. Using him up while she still can and she'll likely do the same thing to the "friend" she's with while portraying herself as the victim to family, friends and co-workers. She'll soon start telling everyone "her truth" as she'll get resistance from critical thinkers and then she'll go no contact with them. Standard playbook stuff but sad for this man. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:24 PM |
| 3 | Separated, Devastated, and Now Wife Divulges She Has Medical IssuesIt isn't just difficult to understand these things when you're still in love and in the fog of it all - its nearly impossible. "You don't know what you don't know", right? This poor guy was most of us at one point and I definitely empathize. He'll come to learn how right you are but it'll take a really long time to get there. If we could transfer knowledge and perspective he'd be right here with us but he doesn't understand the danger he's in. If this were an action video game - the rank and fil… | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/12/22 05:20 PM |
| 2 | Defending from character assassinationI've refused to clear up rumors or engage in putting out these kinds of fires in my personal life for years. I didn't have the misfortune of dealing with it during my divorce, thankfully. I'm not sure if my ex-wife wasn't saying anything disparaging about me or if I just didn't hear about it (all of her family and friends went no contact with me and my people). Over the last year or so I've had to deal with this kind of nonsense from former friends and acquaintances. Anecdotally it feels like as… | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/11/22 05:27 PM |
| 1 | RingsI threw mine away and have no idea what she did with hers. I realize they're only worth a fraction of what we paid for them so I guess I don't really care. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/11/22 03:20 PM |
| 2 | I’m a good father. A good husband. A good person.I hope this man gets to where he needs to be and where he knows he belongs. | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/11/22 03:28 AM |
| 1 | For what?Yeah! I remember the exchange but didn't recognize the name. Good luck tonight!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/11/22 04:38 PM |
| 1 | For what?I feel fortunate to have this space available so we can hear our stories. Seems to be super common but I don't hear a lot of this stuff out in the world. I think men tend to keep it all to ourselves. In my case my ex-wife is still with her affair partner two and a half years later so there wasn't an immediate pump and dump. Probably for the best. Not sure how I would've handled her trying to come back ~ 6 months later. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/11/22 04:26 PM |
| 1 | It feels like out of the blueI'm definitely getting the impression the whole ordeal is more common than we realize. I hope you're doing better and have been able to grow and improve from the experience. It absolutely changed my life. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/11/22 04:24 PM |
| 5 | For what?It's so true and I've learned a lot from experiencing it. We need to be wary of the divorced / single / emotionally crippled female friends of our significant others because they overwhelmingly want to emulate their actions and behaviors. If their friends and co-workers are constantly discussing how awful their men are and how terrible their relationships are and selling lies about how happy they are now that they're single - eventually it seems to wear our wives / girlfriends down. Its so commo… | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/11/22 05:51 PM |
| 1 | For what?It's so weird hearing the same phrases from complete strangers. My ex-wife used that exact verbiage at one point. The combination of despair and disgust hearing her tell me the affair partner made her "vagina tingle" was debilitating. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/11/22 05:45 PM |
| 2 | For what?I appreciate the compassion - thank you! I'm in the United States but I'm sure the feelings of betrayal and pain are the same across the sea. Thanks for your support and adding to the group, here! | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/11/22 05:13 PM |
| 2 | For what?Definitely. It's been a long road for me with tons of pain but at the very least she's still with the affair partner. If it all fell apart for them it really would all have been for nothing. Now, whether they'll make it the sixteen years we made it or longer will remain to be seen but at least I didn't have to deal with her realizing her mistake as I was trying to put my life back together. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/11/22 03:38 PM |
| 3 | For the men who initiated and filed for divorceIt's disappointing we have to take this approach but I completely get it! | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/11/22 11:28 PM |
| 7 | For the men who initiated and filed for divorceIsn't it fascinating how often we hear the "we're just friends, OMG" argument? We take our instincts about these falsehoods and bury it deep, deep down while turning it into a tumor. Then we discover they *weren't* just friends and feel stupid. Rinse, recycle and repeat. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/11/22 05:49 PM |
| 2 | For what?I suppose I believed in the vows we made when we got married. All of the talk of forever and better and worse only to hear “meh … we kinda grew apart” makes me wonder what she was agreeing to. Doesn’t feel like a legit reason to divorce. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/11/22 02:58 AM |
| 2 | For what?Good - glad you brighten your day!! I know exactly what you mean. It feels like it’d hurt a lot less if the dude was a Giga Chad. My ex-wife used to joke that she’d never leave me unless it was for John Cena. I realize now that the reason her leaving for an individual I perceive as “less than” is about my insecurities. Once I let that all go I was able to rebuild myself and my confidence and enjoyed a year long relationship with a wonderful (and extremely hot) 24 year old. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/11/22 01:55 AM |
| 5 | It feels like out of the blueI was definitely in a dark place for quite a while. One of the best things I did at that time was promise not to harm him while they were together. I’m a man of conviction so I stuck to it and now I no longer care to do anything like that. Worked out for the best! I’m sorry as well - hopefully we all become better versions of ourselves from the adversity. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/11/22 12:11 AM |
| 1 | Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced?Totally. They typically only make those changes during open enrollment periods (which we were outside of). I think back then I was considering it purely out of spite. I'm happy I didn't try to move forward with it as it really wouldn't have done anything for anybody and I'm confident I'd feel badly about it later. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 10:07 PM |
| 1 | Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced?I believe you're correct but I'm in California so my comment is anecdotal and not particularly useful. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 10:05 PM |
| 1 | I want to call my son everyday and make sure he’s doing okay with his mom. I trust his mom, but I’m so paranoid. How do I go on living the life I need to live without having to worry everyday?I generally call them every night. Sometimes I'm out and about and by the time I realize I haven't checked in with them its too late and past their bed time. I also try to sprinkle in some texts or pictures but they're pretty little and don't have access to the phone during the day. Very rarely they'll call me but it's nice to be thought of and I'm sure it goes the same way. They know how much I love and miss them so if I miss a night or two it isn't a loss that hits them very hard. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:54 PM |
| 11 | It feels like out of the blue100%. I definitely remember how odd it was when she started doing things so uncharacteristic for her. Ten - hell, even five - years earlier she'd never show up at 1 AM when she got done at work around 7 PM. Especially with no heads up. We spend more time with people at work than our family at home. Most people have 8 hours per day to vent and complain about us and the "men" they work with can just soak it up and fan the flames for months. They can absorb all of the hatred and redirect it to make… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:52 PM |
| 1 | Divorce fees?From what I remember it was around $500 in California. We used a facilitator who helped my ex-wife draft all the documentation. As far as I know that was it though we had to submit the paperwork with stamps (it was something like eight stamps - each?) so they could mail the decree back to us. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:47 PM |
| 1 | Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced?That's a good point and I'd forgotten about that. Otherwise I'd just get my roommate on my insurance. My ex-wife and I were roommates the last few years but legally we were married and life is all about technicalities. Can't have health benefits for anybody that isn't immediate family for most places. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:43 PM |
| 1 | Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced?This is true in California but my understanding is that had I done it prior to her filing there wouldn't be a lot of ground for her to stand on. My HR still strongly suggested I didn't do it so I just waited until the decree showed up. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:40 PM |
| 0 | Can my wife stay on my health insurance after we are divorced?My divorce decree specified that I have to provide health care for my two children until they're adults. It said nothing about keeping her on the insurance. When I gave my decree to my HR department (so our 401k provider could provide a QDRO to shear off the portion she was legally "entitled" to) I also asked them to remove her from my medical / dental / vision and life insurance. No issues and all the documentation checked out, I suppose, so it was all good. This is in California. I'd also talk… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:38 PM |
| 1 | For what?Definitely true. I needed reminding that our ex-wives didn't divorce us for no reason. It seems silly but its important to reflect on. Whether the reasoning was "legitimate" or not doesn't really matter. As far as they're concerned they've been screaming these issues from the rooftops for too long and they're over it, now. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:33 PM |
| 6 | For what?The hypergamy doesn't make sense a lot of the time. Mine went after an alcoholic who lived with his divorced parents and had a shitty job as a retail clerk. Maybe he's packing serious heat and blew her back out or something. I'll never know but sometimes the monkey branching isn't the Chad Chadwick Chaddington the Third with a sculpted body and mansion with Ferrari's in the driveway. They're definitely trying to find the "better" deal, though. Seems to be relatively universal. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:31 PM |
| 2 | For what?That is beautiful. | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:26 PM |
| 3 | For what?It definitely feels like women tend to make emotionally charged decisions that rational thinking wouldn't support. Unfortunately we can't control the way they operate. If wanting something to change *badly* enough worked I'm sure very few of us would be in the position we're in. It seems (in talking to men) that men tend to want their women to stay the same and women tend to want to change their men. If that anecdote is accurate the majority of the time it makes sense that we see relationships f… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:19 PM |
| 26 | It feels like out of the blueI'll never forget that saying and many of us have heard a variation. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I also remember being perplexed when my ex-wife told me she couldn't remember what being in love felt like. I missed so many signals it makes me sad. Then came the logical follow-up: "I haven't been in love in longer than I can remember" which was shortly before she left. It seemed so strange to me as we had a three year old (at the time). I remember thinking "you can't remember three … | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 09:05 PM |
| 5 | She discarded me and dumped me like absolute trash.I felt the same way when my ex-wife bailed. I'd never experienced anxiety or panic like that and it didn't really wane for about a month. I couldn't eat and I struggled to get to the gym every other day and to work five days per week. When I had my kids (one week on / one week off) I felt like a loser and believed they could see right through me. Eventually the anxiety lessened and my mood improved. I can't remember the exact timeline but from the day she left until I was "done" trying to get he… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 07:12 PM |
| 1 | She discarded me and dumped me like absolute trash.Gattsama coming in with another quality post. Thank you for all your contributions, Brother! | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/11/22 06:56 PM |
| 1 | going on my first date tonight in about 10 months!Reading all our comments of solidarity and excitement for this man truly brings me joy. I'm happy this community mostly uplifts everybody. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/11/22 06:47 PM |
| 1 | Advice needed: Son in hospitalDo you remember the glucagon injections for emergency hypoglycemia? They were in the little red plastic cases. I started talking to a new Endocrinologist recently and she got me setup with these nasal sprays for the same effect. It's pretty neat how dramatically treatment can change. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/11/22 06:42 PM |
| 3 | Advice needed: Son in hospitalI went through my parents divorce and my diagnosis with Type One Diabetes right around the same time (~ 13 years old). The condition runs on my Dad's side of the family and despite my parents being together for roughly the same length of time and the fact that she interacted with his Brothers quite a bit (both of whom were Type One Diabetics) she really wasn't familiar with the disease. I'm not sure what kind of parenting agreement they had drafted but it was an on / off schedule for me. I reall… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/11/22 04:56 PM |
| 8 | Letting go of someoneThanks for sharing your story! I think it's important for us to share these stories of our lives because it really does help to know how many other men are experiencing nearly identical stories. My story is very similar except we never really got back on good terms. No contact with her (except what was necessary for communicating about our children) was the best bet - though it didn't feel that way at the time. Things got easier and I felt better with the passage of time. I'd hoped to sway her f… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/11/22 09:01 PM |
| 2 | How I let a woman destroy my life - 41m. Young men: Do not ever get married.I don't think this should be viewed as a negative! I like the idea of creating that as a reward to continue to better yourself and enrich your kids lives. At the end - if she does try to come back - she'll see the more authentic version of yourself. You'll remember all of the loss and sacrifice but you'll also have created a stronger internal foundation that your relationships can rest on. You can go back to old hobbies, pick up new activities to enjoy, work on developing new relationships and i… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/11/22 06:30 PM |
| 2 | Happy Sock Day to me!!Good luck on continuing the story of you. I'm happy to hear things went well considering how awful they could've turned out. I'm happy for you and your future. | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/11/22 05:26 PM |
| 10 | Tomorrow is the first anniversary that is no longer a anniversary.I no longer remember. My ex-wife left about a month before our tenth wedding anniversary so the date came up while we were "separated", though she had no real plans to work on things or come back. From what I remember I was still severely depressed and struggling to eat properly as I didn't know what the future held. I'd purchased a beautiful black diamond ring for her from Tiffany Co. and held onto it in case she came back. It was a few months before anything tasted good, again. I had my second… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/11/22 11:53 PM |
| 5 | Divorce feels unavoidable at this point.I think this is a great idea and can be used in other situations. I also like the concept of reading it out loud and then asking yourself what advice you'd give to one of your children if it were them expressing it instead of you. | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/11/22 06:23 PM |
| 12 | Divorce feels unavoidable at this point.This is always going to be an anecdotal response. You'll very rarely hear about the men who successfully transitioned out of the the situation you're in for similar reasons why you generally never hear about the "good / successful" criminals. Most of us have experienced the behavior your wife is demonstrating in one way or another. Very, very rarely do we hear from men who had their ex-wife pop out of nowhere - while acting like her normal self - with divorce. The light switch effect is miserabl… | /r/Divorce_Men | 10/11/22 05:52 PM |
| 5 | going on my first date tonight in about 10 months!That’s fantastic. Glad you focused on digging in and getting things squared away internally. Enjoy yourself at the concert! Try to remember that the people we surround ourselves with should add to and enhance our lives. You’ve got this!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/11/22 11:28 PM |
| 1 | The world is better with responsible men in it.SnooChipmunks hits the nail on the head, here. It’s exceptionally difficult to avoid saying unpleasant things about their Mother when my sons bring up the topic of her or her affair partner. I know - with certainty - I handled everything to the best of my abilities and did everything I could. In my Dad’s divorce (my Mom divorced him) it was obvious over the following years who was responsible and it wasn’t him. He never really needed to do anything except keep showing up and being there for us. … | /r/Divorce_Men | 27/10/22 02:20 AM |
| 1 | After 25 years, I think it's over. We just had our anniversary, and my wife barely acknowledged it.Thank you for your thoughtful response and for reading the stories of my life. I’d love to be a part of the club you’re creating and I know how helpful and therapeutic trading these stories and feelings can be. If we lived nearby I’d love to share a meal and a drink. Like you said: we need something positive for men. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/10/22 09:00 PM |
| 1 | After 25 years, I think it's over. We just had our anniversary, and my wife barely acknowledged it.I couldn't align more with your comment if I tried - perfection. What isn't reflected in my comment is the massive work I put in when I discovered their affair and the radical changes I made to do everything I could to *not* get divorced. Discovering how bad things were was the catalyst for the change necessary for me to become the best version of myself but I never wanted to get divorced. The separation (and later divorce), loss of access to my children and complete destruction of virtually eve… | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/10/22 02:55 PM |
| 3 | After 25 years, I think it's over. We just had our anniversary, and my wife barely acknowledged it.It’s possible the whole ordeal was a facade. I was deeply impacted after she bailed (many breakups with varying lengths) and - as I tend to do - investigated myself. I’m now under the impression she either has undiagnosed narcissistic personality or borderline personality disorder. Or, at the very least is relatively high on the spectrum for one of those. If that’s true it’s possible I really never was wanted or desired or needed beyond the desire and need to manipulate, control and feed on me. … | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/10/22 01:13 AM |
| 39 | After 25 years, I think it's over. We just had our anniversary, and my wife barely acknowledged it.One of the most unexpected things I discovered after my ex-wife bailed was how spectacular it would feel to be wanted, needed and desired again. I had become so conditioned to be nothing more than a tolerated utility fixture that when I was finally "done" and took off my ring (this was after months of absolutely zero work being done by her and she had been living with and having sex with a male co-worker) I felt relief. The desire from the woman I ended up being with for about a year made me fee… | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/10/22 04:51 PM |
| 1 | Delusional wife...This is it! I tried my absolute best to honor the commitments I made and stay true to the principles I held after my ex-wife bailed for a male co-worker (after sixteen years - the month before our tenth wedding anniversary). She couldn't be bothered to file paperwork for about six months but during the first three or four months I still tried to engage her and get her to remember we agreed to "forever" in front of all the important people in our lives. I've learned a lot since then (you can't ne… | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/09/22 06:42 PM |
| 2 | Don't know where to startDefinitely. The experience (and imploding of my life) has caused me to re-think the way I approach problems and conflict. I'm much better at trying to gather my thoughts, take some time (including sleeping on certain issues) and then coming up with a concerted effort rather than trying to solve it immediately. | /r/Divorce_Men | 20/09/22 02:32 PM |
| 11 | Don't know where to startThe silver lining for me is that I've started to look forward to being wrong because it means I get to learn something. I learned a lot throughout the process of separation and divorce and so much of it was about me. | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/09/22 06:46 PM |
| 21 | Don't know where to startAll the signs and evidence seem to take a while to absorb - sort of like being unable to "see" the fog until you're out of it. Its sad to look back after a couple years beyond the initial separation for me because the signs it was ending were there for at least six months before I discovered the affair. I legitimately believed if things got bad enough we'd work it out and finally talk about it because we were both using the word "forever" the same way and actually meant what we said when we got … | /r/Divorce_Men | 19/09/22 04:14 PM |
| 9 | How to cope with divorce and regrets.Please listen to this man! Hang in there and be good to yourself. Nothing lasts forever - including how you’re feeling right now. | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/09/22 09:00 PM |
| 1 | Marriage falling apart, not sure what to doIf wanting things to be differently *badly* enough changed things - most of us would be in radically different situations. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you start to feel better sooner rather than later. Hang in there! | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/09/22 05:19 PM |
| 2 | I asked a questionYou're on the right path. We can't go back to do things differently and we can't control how other people behave. The damage that eroded your relationship *might* have been preventable but it doesn't matter. I applaud you for becoming the man you want to be and handling business to take care of your kids. I hope you don't have regrets in the future about how you handled this but it sounds like you've got a level head. | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/08/22 04:36 PM |
| 1 | I still love my wife, she broke my trustI remember those comments as well. It was always some variation like that. "You don't think there's somebody out there that'll love you better than me?" Looking back at it all after the divorce is long since finished makes things so much more obvious. | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/08/22 03:15 PM |
| 3 | Need advice on divorceCheck out some videos on YouTube from Lise Leblanc regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder - specifically her topics on female covert narcissists. Absorbing that content simultaneously made me feel better and worse. I didn't realize how aligned my ex-girlfriend was with pretty much everything she had to say about the topic. If your wife is anything like my ex-girlfriend you'll get a lot out of watching some of her content (and learning about your wife and yourself). Good luck, Brother! | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/08/22 03:30 PM |
| 7 | Do people, relationships, come with an Expiration date?I hope we're all constantly learning. I certainly am and I browse this subreddit after being divorced. I'm guilty of getting married after watching BOTH of my parents get married and divorced - FOUR times EACH. Some lessons are harder than others and most of them we seem to have to learn ourselves. | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/08/22 03:27 PM |
| 10 | Do people, relationships, come with an Expiration date?I think social relationships have evolved tremendously over the past 100 or so years. Just like people change - the intricacies and dynamics of relationships do, too. The concept of "forever" in relationships (not just romantic variants) isn't cemented in reality anymore. I feel like accepting this is important. We can still have a big party and invite all of our friends - dress up and exchange rings, express our "commitments" to each other and avoid the legal ramifications with the state by not… | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/08/22 03:02 PM |
| 11 | 36 years of age, Epileptic, and Two kids... Oh yeah, I'm a keeper.I remember having nobody when my kids mom left for a male co-worker. Such a sad realization that I let all my relationships dissolve while trying my best to maintain a happy family. Thankfully I've recovered and have lots of friends now that its over. You'll be able to rebuild yourself into the man you want to be once this is completely over. Unfortunately nobody will be able to answer these questions for you. When I was going through the process I knew I was willing to do whatever it took to … | /r/Divorce_Men | 08/08/22 06:46 PM |
| 2 | Days from making final decision after 30 years of marriageI appreciate this perspective a lot. I know one of the things that helped me after my ex-wife left (for a male co-worker) was knowing I'd done everything I could think of (and some I didn't think of but tried with the help of my family and friends) to heal our relationship and get our marriage back on track. It's been over for a while now and much of the process from that turbulence has faded from my memory but I definitely remember that she did next to nothing. I vividly recall her saying she c… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/07/22 03:36 PM |
| 3 | How to deal with thought of her and someone else?This is a tough one and I get the impression all of us end up dealing with it differently. The concept that my kids Mother would end up being intimate with anybody other than me left my brain long before we were even married and then realizing it was coming (and then getting confirmation from her) was horrifying. I'm not sure I ever really developed a coping mechanism. It's been a couple years since she left to 'explore' her emotional affair and then became physical. From what I remember I was m… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/07/22 08:53 PM |
| 2 | Things are so badI'm glad you're here and I'm happy we've found ourselves at the same place. Things could always be worse. At least right now they're good and our kids are doing well. Stay up, King!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/07/22 02:38 PM |
| 5 | Things are so badAbsolutely. I had breakfast with my Dad not too long ago and we discussed this. I legitimately don’t know if the trauma from the dissolving of my sixteen year relationship has altered my brain chemistry in a way that prevents me from identifying with myself back then or if I’m just so radically different the ability to empathize has been severed. I really don’t recognize myself anymore. If OP can dig in and become the man he wants to be, he’ll be alright. The trek is perilous but the rewards are… | /r/Divorce_Men | 16/07/22 12:50 AM |
| 2 | I finally had sex with someone new!That's awesome! I still remember that feeling. Going from feeling tolerated and then betrayed & despised to wanted and desired was heart melting for me. That genuine passion and *want* from her was so impactful it's been over six months since she bailed (we dated about a year) and I think about her every day. That sex was incredible and never stopped. It was so wonderful I sometimes wish I hadn't met her. Unforgettable and now I struggle to enjoy sex with subsequent women. Regardless - congratul… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/07/22 07:56 PM |
| 8 | Things are so badI believe nearly all of us feel or have felt this way. You're not alone. I got to the point where I no longer stopped or prevented myself from crying. I leaned into the pain and let it burn me up. I know there isn't anything shameful or wrong with pulling over and crying. When I feel that need I let it happen. It's been over two years and I still get that way, some times. I believe you're doing it right when you don't have your kids. You're functionally single and childless. We constantly rolepl… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/07/22 07:37 PM |
| 7 | Things are so badYou're waking up everyday and showing up. You're doing great. Sometimes its helpful to remember what we're fighting for and what's really important. One of the things I've been doing since my boys mother left is working out every other day. I noticed pretty quickly that even with the discipline to physically walk into the gym and make the workout happen, if I wasn't eating properly (or at the beginning, eating at all), the workouts were much more difficult than necessary. Your situation is the s… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/07/22 06:36 PM |
| 31 | Things are so badI'm sorry you're going through this. There isn't anything you're going to be able to do to control her behavior - now, during or after the divorce. You can't negotiate desire and it's extremely unlikely she'll decide to honor her commitments or alter her principals. All you can do is control yourself and you should start immediately. Recognize that things will likely never get better and will almost certainly get worse. Realize that things will get increasingly difficult for you as time progress… | /r/Divorce_Men | 15/07/22 06:23 PM |
| 1 | Anyone have experience on what to do with exes crap they still want?I struggled with this but you're completely right. It just wasn't important for her to relieve me of "her" possessions. If they were important she would've prioritized getting them but after a year she still wanted to root through things at her convenience. I finally had to tell her after the amount of time that had gone by I was considering everything mine and / or trashing it. She finally got with the program but it illustrated her thought process. I didn't matter at all. I didn't have any kin… | /r/Divorce_Men | 07/07/22 03:38 PM |
| 3 | Need some guidance on my situationIt’s my pleasure and I really wish I could help more. The process starting from discovering her emotional affair all the way to finally getting the divorce decree in the mail was by far the most significant pain I’ve ever endured. I don’t wish it on anyone but the statistics indicate it’ll happen to most of us. Our stories are all so similar it almost feels like they’re reading from a script and following a playbook. If anything good will come from this it’ll be your ability to forge your own pa… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/06/22 09:48 PM |
| 9 | Need some guidance on my situationYour story sounds like many of ours - including mine. Similar timelines. Similar backgrounds. Similar behaviors. Similar thought processes. After she moved out with her affair partner I held onto hope we'd be able to reconcile for many months. It took her nearly six months to even file for divorce. She really didn't care how I felt or was impacted including floating through life without knowing what her motivations or plans were. Ultimately I got to the point where I realized it didn't really … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/06/22 08:55 PM |
| 3 | My son is refusing to return to his mother and now the grandmother is involved. Want some outside input.That sounds incredibly painful. I'm sorry! It reads to me that your son has a caring and empathic Father in his life who has his best interests at heart. My boys are much younger but I've also considered how to handle this kind of situation (including if it happens the other way and they no longer want to stay with me). I don't know how to help beyond expressing how great it is you're around and handling business like you are. Hang in there! | /r/Divorce_Men | 12/04/22 05:38 PM |
| 1 | Probably nothing but interesting to me.I know hardly anything about my kids Mother's affair partner, either. I remember her showing me a fuzzy picture of him as she was leaving. I think she was trying to say "he's just a normal guy" as though it'd make me feel better (for years she joked she'd only leave me for John Cena ... who is anything but "normal"). I don't remember what he looks like and haven't seen him. I've seen her get out of our family car from the passengers seat, so I'm sure he's driving. I try to avoid eye contact with… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 07:17 PM |
| 4 | Probably nothing but interesting to me.Exactly. The similarities between our stories (and many, many others) are astonishing. The emotional part of them driving their decision making tends to avoid thinking ahead and instead rewards them with all the endorphins and neurotransmitters to get those "tingles" that became more important than the principals they had and convictions they made. | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 05:51 PM |
| 3 | Probably nothing but interesting to me.You're doing things right! It took me a very long time to finally go "no contact" and like most people say: I should've done it much earlier. I had to get to the point where I was done and no longer had any faith she'd come back. My kids Mother did the same thing. She painted herself as the victim and often talked about leaving being the difficult move (more difficult than working through an affair and repairing a tainted relationship with your spouse and children??) despite the obvious bias. Sh… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 05:43 PM |
| 1 | Probably nothing but interesting to me.My kids Mother was sort of floating throughout the separation and divorce. Almost like she was paralyzed with indecision. The morning night before she left for good she agreed to stay and work on our relationship. I remember watching a movie on the couch with her afterward and she was crushed. The next morning I woke up early (relieved and excited while acknowledging the extremely difficult work ahead of us) so we could work out together (like she'd wanted to do). She was already awake and had b… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 05:36 PM |
| 4 | Probably nothing but interesting to me.You've got the right mentality, my friend. If it were important you likely would've taken steps to get it by now. The bar sign isn't important - what's important is the intent. What is she *intending* to do, here? Probe. Prod. Test. Evaluate your response. | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 05:17 PM |
| 3 | Unsettled WatersHere’s basically_a_genius original comment I got that from. Maybe it’ll help: I've posted this before, but thought you might find it helpful. Your wife is a textbook example of the lightswitch effect. In summary: If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, … | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 03:14 PM |
| 6 | Unsettled WatersThis seems to be a relatively common thing they say. My situation was a bit different in that she said she couldn’t remember the last time she was in love with me and couldn’t recall what being in love felt like (despite having another baby three years prior). The light switch effect is real. It’s easier for them for fabricate a world in which they never loved us or couldn’t remember than it is to accept the horrible things they’re doing and hold themselves accountable for their actions. edit sp… | /r/Divorce_Men | 31/03/22 12:10 AM |
| 2 | From Feeling Generous to CheapThank goodness. It's sad that this feels like a victory but I'm happy to hear it didn't go worse for you. I'll take it as a win!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/03/22 05:49 PM |
| 1 | From Feeling Generous to CheapI remember going out of my way to be reasonable and equitable. Initially my goal was to survive. I kept going to work, handling business, working out and taking care of my kids (alternate one week at a time) while being as nice as possible. At the time we were living in a house owned by the company I work for (it was initially purchased to be demolished as a thoroughfare from one of our buildings to the road). They had some kind of emergency situation and needed to provide housing to somebody el… | /r/Divorce_Men | 30/03/22 05:45 PM |
| 29 | When the grass wasn’t greener!I remember hoping this would happen. It's been nearly two years since she went on to pursue her affair and now I'm glad it didn't. I'm over it and done (and now divorced) but I feel like if it hadn't "worked out" between them all the devastation and destruction would've been for nothing. | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/03/22 10:37 PM |
| 1 | Divorce In CAWe went through a facilitator with the county - just went to their website for her contact information (found through the courthouse website for Amador county in CA) and e-mailed her. She was obviously busy and it took a long time (my kids Mother had zero drive to actually follow through with anything and didn't really care to get divorced because it didn't impact her) but from what I remember it only cost some stamps for the divorce decree to get mailed to us. | /r/Divorce_Men | 29/03/22 04:19 PM |
| 1 | LOL STBX asked me to take down social media pics of usUnderstood! Sounds like the best bet for your situation. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/22 07:56 PM |
| 2 | LOL STBX asked me to take down social media pics of usI think there's a way to use FaceBook Messenger without participating in any of the rest of the site. Maybe you can download that standalone application and see if it'll meet your needs? | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/22 07:55 PM |
| 1 | LOL STBX asked me to take down social media pics of usI genuinely enjoy getting to hear about my friends (and families) lives in person. Not seeing one of my buddies for a few weeks and then linking up to download each other over a meal or a beer is very satisfying and cathartic for me. Because I don't have social media they need to reach out to me to accomplish the same thing. If they don't reach out (or vice versa) we aren't close like that and nothing is lost. I don't waste any time posting updates to a world of people that really don't care and… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/22 06:07 PM |
| 17 | Am I too sad about my divorce?As I've mentioned in other posts, I was with my kids Mother for sixteen years. She left the month before our tenth wedding anniversary. We were High School sweethearts - went to Senior Prom together and attended junior college together. We dated for three to four years before moving in together and married after about six years total. We had our first child after being married for a few years. Our lives were completely intertwined and I loved it. We spent all of our time split between our famili… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/22 03:35 PM |
| 11 | LOL STBX asked me to take down social media pics of usDefinitely nonsensical and petty, but you should do yourself a favor and eliminate social media completely. Less issues now and less in the future. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/03/22 07:47 AM |
| 3 | Fucked up in my head nowI remember reading another redditor's post that said something to the effect of: the reason it seems like we suffer so much worse is likely because they've been done for so long they're mostly over it. They've already mourned. Made a lot of sense to me. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/03/22 08:31 PM |
| 1 | Fucked up in my head nowI'm so sorry, man. This is going to be a long and painful ride. Try to remember: you deserve better. Be good to yourself. It'll get worse before it gets better. Hang in there! We'll see you on the other side. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/03/22 08:20 PM |
| 10 | How do y’all feel about ever getting married again?It's absolutely possible. After sixteen years with my kids Mom (she bailed the month before our tenth wedding anniversary) I didn't think I had the capacity for love like that again. I was with a woman for about a year and I was 100% in love. I'm not sure if the trauma from my marriage failing scrambled my brain but that girlfriend left over four months ago and I've been having about the same difficulty moving on despite not marrying or having children with her. It was spectacular while it laste… | /r/Divorce_Men | 23/03/22 08:33 PM |
| 5 | Is male on female violence one of the biggest issues that society faces right now?I agree with other posters - social media is awful. I gently suggest all my friends delete their accounts and stop using any of it. Beyond the specific grievance you're talking about - there's very little to gain by using it but a lot of toxicity to absorb. I deleted everything years ago and I'm much happier in general. I need to actually reach out to my friends and family to figure out what's going on in their lives (and vice versa) which means I'm socializing (if I want to know what's happenin… | /r/MensRights | 17/03/22 02:59 PM |
| 1 | The worst part about dropping the kids offI’ve dealt with this a little bit - mostly hearing from daycare regarding her affair partner picking them up. I try to remind myself that it’ll almost certainly sway in the other direction at some point and that helps me remember she loves them and wants them around and reminds me to stay in the fight. Part of this is ensuring my sons become strong, successful men who can handle themselves and I believe they need me and their Mother to become the best possible version of themselves. If we turn o… | /r/Divorce_Men | 17/03/22 04:34 AM |
| 2 | Why Doesn't She Like Me?Wow. This is a fantastic explanation. Thanks for explaining this so concisely. Hits home. Been almost two years and your breakdown flooded me with the feels. | /r/Divorce_Men | 14/03/22 01:42 AM |
| 3 | Birthday parties. i just want to rant.This is the way I handle it. Makes the most sense to me. | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/03/22 01:08 AM |
| 2 | We are hugging a lot in advance of divorce and it feels so strange—100%! | /r/Divorce_Men | 11/03/22 09:01 PM |
| 4 | Has anyone gotten the snip?I share the same story. Got the procedure done after our second child with no regrets. Enjoyed the benefits for three more years (at which point she bailed). Now that I’m dating again it continues to provide benefits. | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/03/22 05:20 PM |
| 1 | Post divorce hobbiesI hear that. I understand. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/22 05:25 AM |
| 3 | Things women do/say during divorce.I’m sorry. The impact of divorce is wide ranging. I try to be aware of how it impacts my family (including my Brother and Sister) but it can be difficult to reel things in. We used a facilitator with the county, which I know is very unusual. No lawyers, which again, is strange. The only people influencing her were the affair partner and her friends and family. My Dad urged me to give her the portion anyway to avoid a lawsuit later but she never gave me the option. | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/03/22 01:16 AM |
| 7 | Post divorce hobbiesI enjoy shooting a lot. Weather can create some issues (fire dangers etc.) and its expensive but fun, especially as I improve. I've also spent a lot more time socializing. Like you, I have my kids 50% of the time and I'm on full Dad Detail one week on, one week off. We'll play poker or beer pong or go bowling or drinking. I play video games as well and sprinkle some sessions in throughout the week. | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/03/22 11:50 PM |
| 1 | Getting close to the end.Hang in there! | /r/Divorce_Men | 01/03/22 08:50 PM |
| 2 | A son’s perspective of divorced parentsThanks for sharing your story. I'm a child of divorce and it's been interesting to discuss the ordeal with my Brother and Sister. My Brother is three years older than me and my Sister is three years younger. She's been in therapy for a while and gets a lot out of it (I believe the divorce is just a portion of what they work through). We've talked quite a bit about attachment theory and it makes sense. My Brother ended up moving out of the state to live with his Father (he was nearly an adult by … | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/22 05:30 PM |
| 4 | Finalized FridayI'm glad you're here and taking your life back. Stay positive and remember it's okay when you vacillate between being excited about your next chapter and upset about the loss. | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/22 05:04 PM |
| 8 | Things women do/say during divorce.Over the sixteen years we were together we casually "joked" about how we'd handle ourselves during a divorce. One of the things she had said, repeatedly, was she wouldn't want "my" money. Thankfully one of the things we agreed upon in the actual divorce was 50/50 custody of the kids, though I didn't exactly present it as an option. Initially she said she wouldn't pursue the percentage of my 401k account she was "entitled" to, but after a few months of living with her affair partner that dissolve… | /r/Divorce_Men | 28/02/22 05:02 PM |
| 8 | 16 days into itThis is the way. I found it more effective to live in the pain instead of trying to minimize it or ignore it. Once you realize your worst fears are absolutely going to come true and accept it you'll find the path forward. | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/02/22 09:16 PM |
| 11 | Mother to father: That's MY child!Demonstrating self awareness and critical thinking? Always wonderful. We're looking for progress, not perfection - this is the way. | /r/MensRights | 23/02/22 05:46 PM |
| 1 | Have you ever received flowers as a gift?I received my first gift of flowers on Valentines Day of last year. My then-girlfriend had them sent where I worked. The guys at my Yard were incredulous. Comments ranged from “wait, so you had them sent here … so you could bring them to her??“ to “did another gay guy send them to you?” Overall it was amazing and wonderful and quite a highlight from our relationship. Felt amazing. | /r/MensRights | 15/02/22 05:22 AM |
| 1 | Narrative (venting)I think that's a good boundary to maintain! It'll all work out. Keep doing what's right and taking care of business. I feel like avoiding saying anything (especially anything negative) about our exes will help solidify our position. I have nothing to deny as I've accepted responsibility for my failures and taken accountability for my actions. No excuses leads to having zero reason or desire to lie. As a child of divorce I can vividly remember my Dad saying nothing about the divorce beyond expres… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/01/22 07:07 PM |
| 3 | Signed last of divorce paperwork...Rush of emotions I thought were gone are back.. Anyone else?This is a great perspective. I diggit. | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/01/22 06:58 PM |
| 3 | Signed last of divorce paperwork...Rush of emotions I thought were gone are back.. Anyone else?I was reflecting on this with my Sister recently. I realized I no longer have the ability to recall virtually anything about her - despite 16 years together. I can remember things with my kids and memories of the ferrets we used to share. Weed eating, washing dishes, sleeping on the guest bed and oil changes and what the interior of the houses were like throughout the years together. When I try to remember interactions with her I can't come up with hardly anything. Occasionally I'll get a Google… | /r/Divorce_Men | 25/01/22 06:27 PM |
| 4 | Narrative (venting)I understand your frustration. My kids are still too young to hear and process the truth from me. Unfortunately their Mother maintains "her truth" is the accurate and real version of events (which absolves her of any wrong doing and makes the deterioration purely benign and ridiculous). I'm confident the people she surrounds herself with (including her affair partner) have been able to paint the false narrative pushing their innocence in a subtle way over the years. It'll take some critical thin… | /r/Divorce_Men | 24/01/22 07:12 PM |
| 3 | Been almost 2 years since my divorce and I’m still not past it . I was trying to be the best man I could possibly been and she cheated on me with her coworkerI could hear Joker's "emotional damage" sound byte immediately!! | /r/Divorce_Men | 21/01/22 04:18 PM |
| 3 | Wife is making this process more complicatedI loved this one during my divorce: “I don’t know what I want. I just know what I don’t want.” Imagine living like that. When I wake up, I’m paralyzed by indecision because I definitely know I don’t want to get eaten by a shark … and that’s it. edit words | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/01/22 08:25 AM |
| 1 | Custody ScheduleI have them every other week. Pick up is done at their daycare after work (4 PM for me - I have no idea what she does) on Fridays. So for both me and their Mother we have them from Friday after work until Friday morning the following week when they’re dropped off at daycare / school. | /r/Divorce_Men | 18/11/21 10:32 PM |
| 3 | How much did you end up paying your ex spouse in a divorceYou got it completely. Striking while the iron is hot is really important and I'm happy it worked out favorably for you! Or, at least, as favorably as it could go. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/08/21 07:50 PM |
| 8 | How much did you end up paying your ex spouse in a divorce100% spot on. I did every single thing I could think of doing (and at the suggestions of friends and family, things I hadn't thought of) to take care of business, repair things and try to save our relationship. Once I realized it was beyond economical repair things shifted in my mind. I vividly remember (just a few months ago) when she gave me her copy of the paperwork being submitted to the court and I told her this was it. I told her I believed in marriage and the finality and all the things t… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/08/21 05:55 PM |
| 7 | How much did you end up paying your ex spouse in a divorceAbsolutely. Seldomly will you hear an outcome like this. She was carried profound guilt stemming from her moving in with her affair partner. She was quite disgusted with me and it only got worse over time. | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/08/21 05:27 PM |
| 8 | How much did you end up paying your ex spouse in a divorceThe answers you get will be pretty varied. I was extremely fortunate compared to many men. We used a facilitator through our county court who helped her process the necessary paperwork so we had zero lawyer fees on both sides. We each kept our cars and credit card debt. We were together for 16 years but she left the month before our 10th wedding anniversary. I started saving in my 401k for approximately 5 years before we married. I calculated what half of 10/15ths would be (married for 10 out of… | /r/Divorce_Men | 06/08/21 04:00 PM |
| 1 | Introducing myselfI'm so happy to hear you were able to maintain your sense of self throughout your marriage. Unfortunately she was never interested in trying to reconcile. When she initially "left" or separated she lived with her Sister but a couple months later (maybe less) she moved in with her affair partner. She continued to speak with me during those first couple months (and I tried doing and saying and demonstrating everything I could to make it work). She said she believed she could work on "us" while als… | /r/Divorce_Men | 03/08/21 01:16 AM |
| 2 | Introducing myselfI'm so sorry you're joining the club and believe me, I commiserate. These stories seem to be so similar in scope and nearly always have so many common elements they can feel like a story you've read / heard hundreds of times before. Like you, I was very close with the family of my kids Mother. They're sympathy was similar and they seemed to legitimately feel for me initially, but felt compelled to "back her play" and eventually all went no contact with me. Divorce is terrible for many reasons bu… | /r/Divorce_Men | 02/08/21 10:46 PM |
| 12 | Surgeon is divorcing beauty queen wife after discovering 'history of sex work', court papers allegeEverybody “knows” they’re going to be the ones who make it | /r/MensRights | 27/07/21 02:41 AM |
| 1 | Please help :(I rolled into the pain. I knew that adversity drives growth so I lived in the pain as much as possible. I exhausted myself physically by working out (lifting weights every other day). Over time I realized she wasn't coming back. The despair waxed and waned. After a couple months I was able to start eating properly and even started enjoying beer again. Forcing myself to go out and spend time with friends helped even though I was miserable. I decided that if what felt "right" wasn't working, I'd t… | /r/Divorce_Men | 22/07/21 08:53 PM |
| 16 | 7/14/2021 D DAYYYYIt really is amazing how many of our stories sound so similar. Sometimes it feels like there's a script they're handed and they just follow it. | /r/Divorce_Men | 13/07/21 10:26 PM |
| 1 | If not for having children, what are some reasons that a man would want to get married?That makes sense! | /r/PurplePillDebate | 30/04/21 12:53 AM |
| 1 | If not for having children, what are some reasons that a man would want to get married?No debate, there. I'm mostly saying that because something like a prenup can be thrown out (and has), we can't confidently use it as a shield. | /r/PurplePillDebate | 30/04/21 12:38 AM |
| 1 | If not for having children, what are some reasons that a man would want to get married?I don't know if it's odd - most people know who they are by mentioning them. The fact that legally binding agreements like their prenuptial agreement can be invalidated means they aren't a "problem solved" scenario like you suggested. | /r/PurplePillDebate | 30/04/21 12:28 AM |
| 4 | If not for having children, what are some reasons that a man would want to get married?Dr. Dre had a prenuptial agreement signed and his wife has her lawyers working on having it thrown out. Signed under duress, apparently. It’s happened before. | /r/PurplePillDebate | 29/04/21 10:44 PM |
| 13 | If not for having children, what are some reasons that a man would want to get married?Couldn’t you be in (and maintain) a committed relationship without marriage? It seems like being with somebody who supports you emotionally (and even financially) can happen without getting married. Tax breaks are nice but considering divorce rates it seems like the (small) benefit is grossly outweighed by the costs involved with divorce, not to mention potentially losing time with any children (difficult to put a price on that). I think people can even have a nice, big party and invite all thei… | /r/PurplePillDebate | 29/04/21 10:33 PM |
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