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AliceInDatingland Archive

View 0 posts and 72 comments by AliceInDatingland on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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74

This post is spot on. People can change at any time. Usually there's an external "milestone" like having a child (or another child), but you cannot ever 100 percent guarantee that your spouse will remain HV. However, settling for someone who isn't high value WILL guarantee you pain and frustration once you are in parenthood, if not before. I would add that it is important that you build and maintain friendships with (hopefully HV) women before embarking on the parenthood journey because it can b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 05:58 PM
17

We know there are a lot of Pick Mes out there, so I have to think the desperation must be really pouring off this guy since he's had all of them turn him down...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 08:59 PM
3

Lovely! I'm trying to instill the same kind of thoughtfulness in my kids, as well. Great job (and enjoy)!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 08:40 PM
10

Sadly, it isn't going to get better. It will just spread to other gifting holidays and your birthday. This lack of recognition of your importance in his life is going to wear on you - it clearly already has (and I don't blame you - been there, done that). Valentine's day as a single, divorced woman is way better than that kind of treatment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 07:33 PM
176

I think your assessment of the book is spot on. Anytime a guy has brought this up in conversation, I immediately say "let me guess - yours is physical touch." When they confirm, I just comment that I've never met a guy with any different one and then move the conversation along to something else.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/02/21 04:50 AM
15

This. People change over time. Some level up and others do not (spoiler alert: it takes a hella lot more work to go up versus down). Even an HVM can regress. You have to put you first because, when it comes to divorce, he'll always put himself first.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 12:00 AM
2

The girl is supposed to represent 2020. Maybe that isn't mentioned in the one linked above? There's definitely a longer cut that spells it out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 03:12 PM
21

Completely agree with you! You need to realize what you enjoy without the outside noise of a partner. Marvel in everything you can do and appreciate your accomplishments. Connect with the people that are important to you (and who make you important in their lives). These are the things that keep you "busy" and fulfilled.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 07:20 PM
15

🤣🤣🤣 You are completely right...the bar is in hell. And it all started with a walking date (like you said). It even looked like she planned most of the outings, too. Plus, he liked her because she wasn't "like all the other years" he's dated. It is truly an FDS bingo game where every square is a different LVM behavior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 06:19 PM
47

I thought it was funny, but I already knew my chances of finding a quality person on Match were equivalent to Satan hooking up with a "year". I just imagine that this whole commercial idea started when someone told them the most referenced word associated with Match online dating was "hellish"...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 05:44 PM
8

My ex would proudly not shop for me until Christmas Eve. Even if he got me something I was amused with, I still knew that I was essentially an afterthought. It hurts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/12/20 03:37 AM
10

I love your list and completely agree with you. I've met one single father that met this criteria, but he failed to meet my non-single-father criteria. Considering most men won't meet my standards, finding a single dad who can (and also proves to be a capable dad) is pretty much impossible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/20 02:40 PM
30

That's the truth I saw growing up and then the same truth I ended up in before my divorce. Never again will I be in a relationship where I'm not appreciated. It isn't funny - it's soul crushing. I'm working on breaking that cycle for my kids. They've seen too many Christmases like that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/20 03:28 AM
27

You and I both know there's always some truth behind a shitty joke...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/20 03:18 AM
1

Good for you! Your future is going to be so much better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 12:54 AM
16

It is harder when you live somewhere that forces you to stay married (but physically separated) for a year. You can't tell if a guy is dragging their feet on the divorce or just waiting for time to pass. All good advice above on careful vetting and where to hold your boundaries. My experience has been that newly divorced guys (even when their divorce took longer than a year) are still adjusting to being responsible for themselves. They aren't ready to be a good partner to themselves yet, let alo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 12:47 AM
11

When I refinanced my house due to my divorce, I got to choose between "single" or "unmarried". But what really annoyed me was when I was asked three times if I was sure I didn't want to add a man to the deed. They were happy to finance it all based on my info alone, but some dude should have a claim on the house?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/20 04:10 AM
9

Definitely some exciting times ahead! I'm sure you will become that confident woman as you find your way. Enjoy the journey and celebrate with some awesome friends.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 05:37 AM
5

💯 this. OMG I just want a partner to actually operate as a partner - capable and proactive. But asking for a fully functioning adult nowadays just gets you gaslit. Very well written, OP!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 12:44 AM
125

I really feel for the younger ones (25ish and younger) on this because I think there are obvious stages where priorities change - going to/from university, that first job, living on your own for the first time... It can be hard to tell if the "want" will become reality because there just hasn't been much time/resources to achieve it yet. (Not gonna lie - I see far more women achieve their potential as time goes by.) However, in my age group (40+), history is definitely on my side. He's had time …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/20 05:28 PM
17

So glad you are here! Definitely check out the resources, including the handbook. Don't beat yourself up about your past - many of us understand and made the same mistakes. Just focus on your awesome future ahead!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 06:10 AM
9

You nailed it. Clearly they have the skill, so if they wanted to, they would.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/20 02:48 AM
189

I read somewhere that you marry your own glass ceiling - your ultimate success in your career is highly influenced by your partner. Supportive husbands help you thrive and reach for those stretch goals while LVMs...do what LVMs do. I'm sure Kamala's success is a combination of valuing herself as a single woman and only adding a spouse when he added to her life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 11:46 PM
89

Don't beat yourself up for being civil. I feel like that is a common reaction for women when we're blindsided - subconsciously choosing the safe exit. Not mentioning a child until date 3 seems late. Wanting to discuss loaded topics and then telling you you're "too opinionated" - I think you dodged a bullet here. Don't feel bad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/11/20 01:13 AM
2

You're welcome. I'm on the same journey as you, and I'm constantly trying to avoid the "cool girl" trap. Here's to us finding ourselves in our own way on our own time! 🥂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/20 11:43 PM
4

Since that relationship started when you were 18, think back to before that time. Did you have any hobbies growing up? If so, perhaps try them again to see if you still enjoy them. Like others have said, try new hobbies. Do any of them make you feel giddy, excited, or relaxed? Do you look forward to trying them again? Take yourself out on dates and really reflect on what you enjoyed or didn't enjoy. Look at what dates interested you more than others. If you were planning an upcoming trip, what w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 05:43 AM
12

You are not alone!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/20 05:11 PM
47

Mckinsey's Women In the Workplace report goes into this. Women-dominated industries are getting hit harder by lockdowns (something like 70% of restaurant serving staff in the US are women), so more women are unemployed and deciding not to return. Probably for the same reasons others actively stepped away. The support systems are gone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 01:29 AM
3

💯 truth. The mask will slip eventually if they are a LVM. And the chance that every relationship you're seeing right now involves an HVM seems slim.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/20 12:08 AM
50

THIS is the kind of content I love to see on this sub. Thank you for the reminder. 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 03:34 PM
2

My ex was the same way. If he was hungry, he waited for no one. He wouldn't even get his kids' plates ready first. He also got an attitude when I refused to make the dinners he preferred because they were complex to make AND the kids would not touch them. Even as a hardcore PickMe, I put my foot down when it came to making two different dinners and spending 3+ hours in the kitchen... just to eat last. I'm sure that's why this is a subconscious test that I use.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 09:15 PM
41

I actually use this to judge how giving a guy is. If we're cooking dinner at home and the meal is plated up, I let him choose first and see if he chooses the bigger one or not. Same thing with drinks. I don't always do it, but I pay attention when I do. I also watch to see if he ever offers me the first choice. When it comes to givers versus takers, actions speak louder than words.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 01:57 AM
19

Would you be willing to give some examples of these character-based questions? I'm intrigued.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/20 01:38 AM
38

I love her stand up. I binged The Dutchess on Netflix, which is based on her Glitter Room special, I think. She is very much FDS. Highly recommend. 👑
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 11:56 PM
10

😂 OMG - Dead ☠️☠️☠️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 03:17 AM
4

Everyone changes over time. Look at us - we are actively trying to change ourselves for the better. However, some people change for the worse. Vet. Keep your eyes open. Know the signs. And always be able to get out. Like many other Queens have said, have some money set aside. Keep your skills sharp if you are a SAHM or go back to your career after maternity leave is over.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 02:30 AM
9

Yes - thank you for the list! I'll suggest "I Love Me" and "Confident" by Demi Lovato as possible additions.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/20 12:21 AM
19

I'm so glad you followed your gut and checked his phone. For the longest time, I would deal with things in my relationships on a logical level. I was my own best gaslighter. But I'm realizing my gut catches on faster than my brain does, so I'm trusting it more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/20 12:07 AM
7

Truth! I think that is the hardest scenario to recognize right after you leave an LVM - finding someone completely different and trying to determine if different is truly better. Sounds like you have unfortunately experienced the spectrum of LVM behavior. Don't beat yourself up about it. You recognized it and made changes. You should be proud of that growth. We all regret things in our past, but what matters most is our focus on improving in the future. You got this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 11:57 PM
14

HE was disappointed? That poor girl comes over, knowing he's expecting her visit, and she sees this mess? He's probably saying she failed because she dropped him on the way out the door...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 05:55 PM
47

2020 you is awesome. You hit the nail on the head in regards to why this was unacceptable. His gaslighting just confirmed your suspicions. If someone is potentially interested in a romantic relationship with me, I am assuming they want to show me their best self. Be on their best behavior, especially in the beginning. If this is the best you've got, I'll pass.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 04:48 PM
5

He only emails her on work days and spends the entire weekend rearranging a home office... I think he probably did rearrange his office - so his wife wouldn't see his computer screen. Email seems easier to hide, especially if his wife is more concerned about his phone. I think OP definitely dodged a bullet here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/20 01:11 PM
9

Not sure I can confirm it. Myself and my single friends over 40 would still like to find quality companionship. However, it seems like we find fewer quality guys and we take more breaks from the dating pool. We know ourselves better than when we were 20, but we've got battle scars from many years of LVMs. As far as timelines go, we are more likely waiting for an empty nest rather than feeling the pressure of a biological clock. While some of us learned faster than others, I think we now know the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 09:52 PM
12

I completely agree. You deserve to be treated better and you realize that. It won't necessarily make dating easier, but your end result has a much better chance of being a HVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 07:29 PM
14

I have to remember the few guys I know who (to the best of my knowledge) are HVMs. They are, of course, all married. But they give me hope that others are out there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 06:58 PM
43

I'm so sorry to hear your stories. The first guy sounded absolutely frightening - I'm glad you got away. Also happy to hear you didn't repeat that mistake of traveling together with guy #2. That guy is why drinking dates and picnic/walk dates are bad choices. He's definitely LVM, but now you can spot that even before wasting time on a date. Low effort never gets better. Honestly, both of these could be shining examples in the handbook. Thanks for sharing, and I hope future dates are better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 06:49 PM
11

I cannot upvote this comment enough. Use your powerful researching skills, ladies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 06:37 PM
40

A baby changes the dynamic. The LVM is likely no longer the focus of the relationship, and that's a blow that some of them can't take. I appreciate when a guy says he can't date single mothers because "their kids will always take precedence over me." It's an easy red flag to spot. An HVM understands the nuances of a relationship and doesn't feel like they are in competition with a child. A LVM believes he's entitled to be the focus.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 02:18 PM
5

Fostering is wonderful, but there's nothing wrong with opting out of marriage or kids. No need to explain that, and my apologies if tagging on to your message made you feel like you needed to. Your life does sound awesome and the bar should rightfully be high for any potential partner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 01:36 PM
17

I'm in a similar boat - secure in my career and finances and also don't seek marriage as a necessary end goal. Successfully divorced and I'm done having kids. While my timeline no longer has a biological clock involved, it is trickier to balance dating with my home life. It is almost impossible to avoid single fathers/divorced men, and honestly, they may be a better option when compared to the Peter Pans out there. I also completely agree - 30s and 40s aren't old... although they definitely are …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/20 04:25 AM
36

There's a podcast called Therapist Uncensored that has a lot of information about attachment theory, for those interested.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 08:55 PM
46

Give yourself the same compassion you would give to a friend in the same situation. Also, you are not alone. Many of us have these same regrets. Recognize that you've grown and evolved. You are trying to not make those same mistakes again, and that takes dedication and effort. It can feel uncomfortable at times. It sounds like you've learned from your past - time to look forward and focus on your future. You got this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 06:18 PM
12

I'm hesitant to go to restaurants or indoor venues right now, so I'm not dating. The type of person who is right for me probably shares that same sentiment. In the meantime, I'm invested in my own self-care and growth.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 06:06 PM
14

Love hearing how content you are! That is the goal - a life you are happy with. Happy belated birthday!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 05:30 PM
29

Oy. I'm not sure I could stay close friends with someone who let herself get used so badly. It just hurts my soul. I'm with you - I want an equal partner in all aspects. If I get judged harshly, so be it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 05:22 PM
2

I agree she's being very gracious. And anyone with experience of this can probably read through the lines. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that what she says to media on this topic does not reflect what she says to girlfriends behind closed doors (and with a bottle of wine). I wonder if any male Justices have had to field as many questions about their personal relationships. Even when they do (Kavanaugh), the bar is clearly at a different level.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 04:27 PM
6

No worries! It took me an extra second to see the pattern, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 03:49 PM
11

You have to read it in context. That first column is proceeded by "UNLIKE those women who...". You are essentially filling in the blanks: "UNLIKE those women who ___ , I ___ ." (Then tag with any of the options in C.) Option A is essentially a list of generalizations about "high maintenance" women. Option B is a list of things PickMes might say to entice a guy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 03:33 PM
9

Once those elves don't show up, he's gonna be on the lookout for his very own PickMe to step in. Seen it happen.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 02:53 AM
6

And that work/effort they provide needs to be consistent over time. You can treat me well for weeks, but once I start to see inconsistency, I know you can't meet my need for reliability and stability. That's why I bounce - not because you didn't buy me dinner one night.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 02:03 AM
33

That post felt very familiar, unfortunately. The only time my ex-husband and I went out (post kids) was when we visited his parents, and I wouldn't be surprised if his mother was the one prompting him while offering to watch the kids. I planned all the family vacations and asked multiple times for him to schedule something for us. Nothing. I eventually did start going out - with friends, not him. He got mad because, according to him, I never planned any date nights. He wasn't wrong. I felt like …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 08:29 PM
3

Right there with you about smell. I could hardly stand the smell of one ex when he'd come back from running. 🤢 On the other hand, a nice cologne can be a wonderful turn on. Men always seem to underestimate the power of smell.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 03:37 AM
6

I am trying more healthier recipes, which would have been impossible previously because most vegetables triggered "textural issues" in him. I also get myself flowers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 01:39 AM
5

Another 40+ lady with kids here, and I completely understand not feeling worthy due to age/body/fitness. Just have to remember this feeling is temporary.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 01:13 AM
4

I needed to read this. While I haven't run into this exact situation (yet), I understand the conflicting feelings of the letter writer. But I greatly appreciate the frank honesty of the answer. Thank you for sharing it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 12:47 AM
1

Yes! I was so mad once I started really examining the dynamic between my parents and realizing I replicated a lot of it. I'm in the same boat with my kids - teach them they deserve better than what they've seen (and will continue to see at their Dad's house).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 05:04 PM
6

Sadly yes...but I didn't entirely recognize it until I was in the midst of a divorce (with an LVM - shocking, I'm sure). I figure realizing this late is better than never. I'll choose better in the future.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 01:55 AM
19

Girl...you are busy tonight. Guy #1 will never hear that because you will have blocked him already. Guy #2 could hear that, along with "I'd be happy to go on a date next week, but drinks aren't a date. Let me know the plans you're considering and I'll check my calendar." Your date tonight is to read the handbook because you obviously haven't. Just know that you are worth more effort than either of these guys have attempted. Can't wait to see you level up, Queen.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/20 09:00 PM
17

Just about any song by Lizzo.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 03:01 AM
33

Someone told me that a relationship partner should inspire me to be a better person while also being supportive. It made me realize that most of my female friendships fit that bill...but none of my romantic relationship partners have. Good for you realizing this so early on! Excited to see you level up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 02:56 PM
17

Your beliefs aren't a bad thing. The bad part is their actions contradicted their words. They acted like they were focused on self-improvement and being a better person, but then behaved selfishly (and knowingly hurt their partner, in OP's case).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 01:30 AM
6

Oh honey...you deserve someone who values your beauty and gives you his attention. It feels like you recognize he isn't as HV as you hoped he was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 01:08 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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