Capable-Profile4425 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
6	Struggling with mixed emotions		Capable-Profile4425	/r/Divorce_Men	22/11/23 02:00 PM
4	Just starting the journey		Capable-Profile4425	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 12:09 AM

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
2	What is "normal" amount of time dads have their kids I strongly suggest you get into therapy. Yes, I know you’re stretched thin right now, but this is not healthy for you. You need to stop trying to keep everyone around you happy. Understand that you are the only person responsible for your own happiness, and everyone else is responsible for theirs. Take inventory of your own life, and evaluate each aspect and whether or not it adds to or subtracts from your happiness. Seriously: therapy. Get it.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/24 04:02 PM
2	What is "normal" amount of time dads have their kids The only thing you have to do is have a conversation with her. You don’t need to end it with her YET. It’s up to you to set the boundaries and expectations. It’s up to her to decide whether or not to accept them. And both of you need to know it’s going to be that way for quite a while. Conversation first, action second. Your life will improve when you stop people-pleasing and set boundaries.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/24 03:56 PM
2	What is "normal" amount of time dads have their kids I’m sorry to hear this, I really am. It sucks. You’re very likely going to have to have a very difficult conversation with the gf. You HAVE to set boundaries with her and let her know that your kids take precedence, and that you have to honor your commitment to your first 3 kids AS WELL AS your newest with her. Quite frankly, if she cannot accept the pre-existing situation of your custody schedule, then you will need to end your relationship with her. Yes, I know it will create a whole new set o…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/24 03:53 PM
4	What is "normal" amount of time dads have their kids This is your problem: trying to make everyone ok. You need to get yourself right. You can’t be a good dad to your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. Get to the gym, reduce stress, get good sleep. You don’t need to make your ex happy, that ship has sailed. It sounds like your gf is not improving your life, I’d suggest she’s got to go. Sucks that you made the (IMHO terrible) decision to have a kid with her, but this is the bed you’ve made.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/24 03:45 PM
2	What is "normal" amount of time dads have their kids “Normal” doesn’t exist, every parenting schedule is unique to the circumstances of that particular case. For the most part, we’re all striving for 50/50, knowing that that’s probably what’s best for the kids and both co-parents. If you already had 3 kids, I think you put yourself in this position by having another kid with a different woman. You have court-ordered 50/50 time, so if your ex is not following that schedule, then you need to make her. You might need to go back to court to do so. Wha…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/24 03:39 PM
5	How are you guys with the exes family. I was fairly close with her whole family, got along well with all of them. Actually went to college with her younger sister, who introduced us. Her sister texted me to say I’ll always be her kids’ uncle. That was sweet, but they are both under 5 and I know they’re eventually going to forget me. Her mother texted me a few months after I filed, about something tax-related. I took the opportunity to say goodbye and thank her/them for always making me feel like family. It was sad, but I’m glad I got…	/r/Divorce_Men	09/04/24 06:40 PM
10	How do you feel about your wife keeping your surname after the divorce? We’re in the process still, and she’s already going back to using her maiden name for some things. Good riddance, she’s not worthy. Problem is, she wants to try to get me to consent to allowing our daughter to change HER last name before she’s 18. Hell no.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/01/24 08:29 PM
2	Let Down I feel you, this sounds a lot like what I’m going through (3 months into the process myself). Learning to focus only on what you can control is key. You’re a valuable human being, and it’s not on you that she couldn’t see that. Now you get to live your life for you and for your daughter, and your daughter will benefit from you being a happier human!	/r/Divorce_Men	14/01/24 05:29 AM
1	Let Down I have found that there are too many people, both men and women, that feel so much shame in getting divorced. Yes, it sucks, and there’s this immediate feeling that you are a failure because you couldn’t hold together a marriage. Forget all that, divorce is something that happens to half of us! Whether it was your decision or theirs, you are getting out of a relationship with a person that doesn’t love you the way you deserve, and you’re going to be better off! All that is to say: you have to be…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/01/24 12:05 AM
6	Let Down You may need to be more direct with them. Something like: “hey guys, I’ve been going through a lot with this divorce, and I’m anxious about a part of the process coming up. You guys know me better than anyone else, I could use some perspective, and just someone to talk to in order to let out done of this nervous energy” Tailor that to your situation/audience, but the point is that YOU need to initiate the bid for connection and support. Trust me, the people that really care about you will jump a…	/r/Divorce_Men	13/01/24 11:48 PM
4	Cohabiting during and after the divorce For me, it wasn’t so much “you never do anything around here”, it was “you’re always off doing your own thing, you don’t spend enough time with us!” “Doing my own thing” meant that I was: doing dishes, laundry, in the garage fixing/making things, outside cutting the grass or maintaining the house…instead of sitting on the couch watching tv with them or hanging out. Which I ALSO would do, but after 3 hours of kinda not doing much, I would feel like I need to be productive. Oh, and not planning da…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/01/24 04:04 AM
14	Cohabiting during and after the divorce Yeah, I’m in month 4 of being “separated, but under the same roof”. It can be okay at times, but the “close to normal” feeling kept me in denial and bargaining for a lot of the early months. It felt like we were just one phrase away from trying to make it work, and that hope kept me hanging on. But now, I mostly just see things that reinforce to me that I will be so much better off when I get to live alone. The wet towels on the floor, lights left on all over the place, the dishes not done. Oh m…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/01/24 03:36 AM
4	When you know it's the best option but it still scares you to death. I’m 2.5 months past filing and I still get scared of all those things. Yes, even knowing it’s for the best. You have all the sympathy you want from me, this is a hard time in life. One of my aunts died about 6 months ago, and when I saw my other aunt before Thanksgiving, she said “I hate life”. I agreed, but we quickly caught ourselves and corrected it to “I hate this part of life”. This is grief, and grieving means you’re going through a significant loss. There’s no better way to put it. Be sad…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/12/23 08:48 PM
5	The Wifey She used to be “Wife”. Since I filed, I got rid of the nickname and she’s now just her first and maiden last name. Might change it to “co-parent”, that’s a good reminder of what she is now. No need to drag myself down and waste energy hating her.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/12/23 07:37 PM
2	Asking for divorce Yeah, this here. Get a lawyer, prepare yourself. STRONGLY consider finding a therapist at the same time. You can get great guidance on how best to talk to her, and also manage your own feelings that will come during this process.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/12/23 02:14 AM
2	Two years, nothings changed I agree. I have always found it very difficult to “force” myself to have fun when my heart just isn’t in it. I’m not the type that can fake it. But I have learned over the years to simply put myself in those situations and see how it goes. You get to the place with your friends and you find that you just can’t do it? Go home, it’s okay, you tried! My guess is that your friends will understand (once or twice!). Give it a few days and try again or try something else. Just don’t stop trying.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/12/23 02:12 AM
2	Two years, nothings changed Don’t overthink things. Keep it simple. Maybe it might help if I shared with you a little of what I’m doing: Watching more hockey games lately on tv than I had in YEARS combined. Texting and calling with friends more. Sometimes while watching said hockey games. Going out with friends, just to have a beer, or hang out and do nothing. Cook for myself, just the way I like it and not caring what she wants. Visit with family more often, just because I have more time now. Yes, I’m working out more, lu…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/12/23 11:31 PM
3	Two years, nothings changed Well, I’m not on the other side yet, so I can’t speak to the reality of what you’re going through. You have to live your life for YOU now. Unfortunately, no one has figured out a better way than “through”. Eventually, you’re going to have to get to where you DO want to go to things you like. And it’s okay if you don’t feel you’re there yet. Get back to basics, start writing down things that make you happy, that you enjoy doing. Don’t try to just “get there” all at once, but take one day at a tim…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/12/23 11:08 PM
4	Two years, nothings changed My first recommendation is to get into therapy. Seriously, it can be life-changing. Also, and this is something a good therapist will tell you: don’t beat yourself up. Everyone heals and moves on in their own time, there is no set schedule to grieve. Every day, think “what can I do for myself today?” And “what can I do for my kid(s)?” You’re going to be alright, better days are ahead.	/r/Divorce_Men	26/12/23 10:54 PM
1	How do you cope with the depression? Have strength. I’ve been nervous about sharing with people, but I’ve found that the people that care about you are more than happy to be there for you in your time of need. And just about everyone understands how devastating divorce is, so lower your guard and let the love in.	/r/Divorce_Men	16/12/23 12:20 AM
3	How do you cope with the depression? Of course. We all need all the help we can get. Feel free to DM me, I’m only a couple months ahead of you in the timeline, so I know how much it helps just to be able to chat and directly connect with someone for support. I hope you’re opening up to family and close friends, there is no shame in going through divorce!	/r/Divorce_Men	15/12/23 11:12 PM
11	How do you cope with the depression? First: don’t beat yourself up. This is a hard thing to go through, second only to death. This is a major loss and the grieving process is not linear. It takes years, and there will be tough times and easier times. Second: understand that the only way out is THROUGH. There are no shortcuts, which means you have to allow yourself to sit with your feelings when they come. Don’t always try to distract yourself from them, or you’ll never fully process your grief. Journal, reflect, and learn to unders…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/12/23 10:55 PM
2	How did you manage your relationship with kids post divorce.? I appreciate that, brother. I’m in the thick of it myself, and I know that I’m fortunate to have a lot of family and friends I’ve been able to lean on over the last few months. Even with all that support, I’ve needed to come here to vent/rant and get additional support and perspective. Not everyone has that same kind of support system. I can’t always pay it back to them, so I try to pay it forward here. There are always people that can be helped. Sometimes I don’t even follow my own advice and i…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/12/23 12:07 PM
7	How did you manage your relationship with kids post divorce.? This is all temporary, do not make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation. I just filed a couple months ago and it’s been a nightmare dealing with this process. But therapy and talking to friends and family have gotten me through this so far. Divorce sucks, and she might do everything she can to make it suck more for you, but you have rights, and you are a valuable human being that your child needs in his life. Check out the “how not to suck at divorce” podcast. Lots of good episode…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/12/23 08:35 PM
13	How did you manage your relationship with kids post divorce.? She is flat out wrong. You need to keep your relationship with your son, and your son needs you. You will always be that kid’s father, she cannot take that away from you. Do not leave the house. Get a lawyer. Make sure you spend as much time as possible with your son, she has no right to restrict access to your child. And as much as it’s going to suck, you will have to have a relationship with her for the rest of your life. It’s going to change from that of “your wife” to that of “your child’s o…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/12/23 08:26 PM
3	Cohabitation after divorce No way. It’s ultimately not going to benefit the kids, because you’re not going to be happy with the situation.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/12/23 02:39 PM
5	I hate my life after divorce This is temporary. It too shall pass. Get into therapy. This whole thing sucks, but you control your life now. You got this, but a huge part of it is your mentality.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/12/23 08:55 PM
1	Questions for 1 hour lawyer consult There’s a “how not to suck at divorce” podcast episode specifically regarding how to choose a lawyer and good questions to ask. I think it’s episode 69, but check through their list. Also, it’s a good idea to interview at least 3 lawyers. Finding a good fit is crucial, you gave to be comfortable with them.	/r/Divorce_Men	16/11/23 08:53 PM
16	Obsessed with Getting her Back Don’t beat yourself up, this is all part of the process. You are grieving a major loss, and the stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are going to come and go at times for you for a while. Remember: this is NORMAL to be feeling these things. I’m 4 weeks since I filed, we are living in the same house, and we occasionally talk things out to try to come to agreements on our own, and I sheepishly tell her I still wish there was a way we could try one more time. Take…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/11/23 06:59 AM
8	Mums the word Oh man, you gotta reach out and get support. I have been talking to my friends and family for months, and I just filed a couple weeks ago. Your family and friends love you and care about you, they would want to know about such a major life event so they can be there for you.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/11/23 10:31 PM
10	She'll Snap Out of This Right? I’m going through the same thing. “It’s been 16 years of you hurting me” The projecting, the scorekeeping, everything she can do to justify in her own mind that I’m not worth putting any more effort into. You want them to come to their senses, to realize what they’re about to give up (especially time with kids). But even then, do you want them back if that’s the only reason she “snaps out of it”? This is the denial phase of grief. It’s okay, it’s normal, it’s going to come and go, grieving it’s …	/r/Divorce_Men	28/10/23 02:12 PM
2	Consultation with attorney next week. What to expect? Talk to a lawyer. Have patience. Hire a lawyer. Have patience. Listen to your lawyer. Have patience. I don’t know anything about your case or where you live. You do, so tell your lawyer and they will walk you through it. It’s not going to happen fast, fast leads to mistakes. Courts don’t like mistakes.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/10/23 12:14 AM
2	Consultation with attorney next week. What to expect? I don’t know where you are and how backed up the courts might be, but I don’t think you should expect anything to move that quickly. My sister is in NY and her and her ex agreed on EVERYTHING, had no real property, and they are 10 months into their process, just waiting for things to be finalized. You might be able to get things done quickly, I just don’t think you should expect it.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/23 11:49 PM
3	Consultation with attorney next week. What to expect? Nothing about this process is quick Don’t worry about how and when to split things up, that will happen in due time. It will be clean and as amicable as long as you and she get your lawyers all the necessary information when they ask you for it. Go meet with the lawyer (really you are better off consulting with at least 3), they will ask questions about everything, and tell them EVERYTHING. There is a process here, and trying to force things just because you are anxious to move on is likely to j…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/23 11:42 PM
3	Turn of wife's phone I’d hold off on that. At the very least talk to her and let her know. Doing it without telling her is just going to be seen as antagonistic.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/10/23 11:35 PM
1	How do I handle splitting equity in the house? First, don’t let financial ramifications affect whether or not you stay in the marriage. If it’s not looking good, ask her if she would try marriage counseling, or what other options you may have to salvage the marriage. Discernment counseling may be appropriate here, which helps a couple decide if divorce is the right path. As for how to split up assets/equity, just don’t worry about that now, that comes way at the end. The parenting plan comes first, regardless of who is living where. Yes, som…	/r/Divorce_Men	25/10/23 12:33 PM
2	How to catch her cheating? Don’t do it. The only thing you’re going to do is subject yourself to things you REALLY don’t want to see or hear. If you’re in a no-fault state, it’s not going to matter. Now, if there is potential danger to you or a child, that’s a different story, but you need to get a lawyer and get solid legal advice. Ultimately, if you know she’s cheating, you have to make the decision on whether or not you would accept being with a woman that would do that to you. I think you deserve better.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/10/23 12:25 PM
5	Interviewing lawyers I found the “how not to suck at divorce” podcast to be very helpful in learning questions to ask, they have a whole episode on how to interview lawyers. I interviewed 4, narrowed it down to 2, and asked for a quick follow-up call with those 2. I’m happy with who I hired. But the consults should be free, tell them everything you can and ask a lot of questions. They’ve heard everything before, so don’t be scared. You should ask all of them if they do meditative, attorney-assisted meditative, colla…	/r/Divorce_Men	24/10/23 12:40 AM
1	Just starting the journey I want to stay in the home if it’s at all possible. Nothing terrible has happened yet, and it may very well be possible to hammer out details amicably with the help of lawyers/mediator. I’m not offering anything generous, I am trying to keep it simple with an equal split if assets and parenting time. Essentially: I won’t offer her anything I wouldn’t be willing to accept, and I ask the same of her. I think that’s pretty logical and reasonable. Sadly, she is proving to be anything but logical and…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 07:34 PM
1	Just starting the journey Understood. I am on top of my financial affidavit, have been recording/logging all interactions with the STBXW, and all my financial transactions since this whole ordeal started almost 2 months ago. Yes, it’s going to take time, but I am organized. I may not always be calm and collected, but I’m getting there.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 04:43 PM
1	Just starting the journey Right now, I’ve filed the petition and I don’t think her attorney has even filed the response/appearance yet. She was the one that had told me two weeks prior to me filing that she had her attorney and was going to file. Turns out she had the engagement agreement, but hadn’t signed it or put down the retainer. She wanted to take it slow, but I had to get things moving. I don’t even think she’s had a comprehensive conversation with her lawyer yet, much less filled out her financial affidavit. I d…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 04:17 PM
3	Be actively civil, or be actively silent? First of all, it’s not a failure. Life is hard, and sometimes there are losses. You gain and learn and grow by going through this. You’re going to need a lawyer at some point. Look up local lawyers and tell them up front what your financial situation is. Consultations are almost always free, so you may be able to ask if any local lawyers can do this pro bono or cheap. If you two are amicable, you may be able to hammer out details of the parenting agreement and division of assets largely yourself…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 01:52 PM
5	Just starting the journey I’m back home, have a lawyer, already have my financial affidavit done. I’m way ahead of where the STBXW is, and that’s part of the problem. I want this to go quickly, but nothing in the process goes quickly, and I’m not a very patient person. It also feels like I’m the one losing here, she doesn’t seem to be too upset about the end of our marriage. I know I can’t control that and I need to focus on me (and my daughter), it’s just HARD. I’m fighting for 50/50 overnights, or close to it. Thankful…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/10/23 01:54 AM