ClearlyGoose Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
39	Done with the divorce	Getting Started	ClearlyGoose	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 08:52 AM

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
1	Dealing with loss of time with kids It immediately becomes your problems as soon as she does something you wouldn't approve, and you have no power to stop it. A babysitter, you can just fire. You can't fire a mother, can you?	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 01:45 PM
0	Dealing with loss of time with kids I don't think seeing your ex as an expensive babysitter is fair. And it's not just unfair to her, but also to ourselves. Expensive babysitter does what he is told, applies his professional skills to achieve our goals and not theirs. They are hired help. You are the boss. Whereas kid's mother is an equal parent; I'd even concede she has slighly more rights than I do because of the fact that she risked her health and her life being pregnant and giving birth.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 01:25 PM
2	Be careful. In laws are aware of their daughter’s intent to profit of ill gotten gains at the expanse of husbands. >I treated them like my parents. But why? They aren't. They are your ex' parents though. Parents should be on their kid's side, even if, to a certain extent, it's a wrong side. Wouldn't you be on your kids side, if he had some fight in his life?	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 12:04 PM
1	Dealing with loss of time with kids It is somewhat easier for me because as it turns out, I'm not very interested in being a dad. I do the best I can, I love my 5yo son, but I find 70% of parenting to be boring and tedious. I find some joy in the other 30%. And it's relatively good now that he is 5 and at least we can talk and do something interesting. "Below 3" was a mind-numbing nightmare for me, good that it's over.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 11:28 AM
4	Am I crazy? She doesn't sound particularly crazy based on that. A lady who is a friend with my ex followed the same path - found some guy in Estonia or Latvia and if he'd accept her, she would marry him and live with him. While her children are Dutch and live in the Netherlands. It is selfish, yes. But nothing crazy. But you are rightfully upset by it. Nothing good happens for the kids or for you.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 11:14 AM
1	Done with the divorce Amazing. Thanks for sharing. Which country is it?	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 10:12 AM
1	Done with the divorce >She's considered the next relative of mine in line. I don't understand the logic here, to be honest. Could you explain the thinking behind it, if you do understand it? My logic is as follow. If you commit a crime and die before you go to prison, you mother is not held responsible. If you take on a debt and fail to repay it, your mother is not responsible to pay it. She may choose to, but she might also choose not to. Same with any other obligation you choose to pick up, as an adult who is no lo…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 08:46 AM
1	Done with the divorce We actually never defined nights in our divorce covenant, so my (unverified) guess is that it's not that important here. We did define the time split though - 50:50. The covenant says we switch some time between Saturday and Sunday, and we switch in the middle of Wednesday, and it also states we can do whatever we want with the schedule and introduce any changes we want - in consultation with each other and by mutual agreement. If the kid stays with me on Satuday night, as it was last week, then…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/09/25 08:40 AM
1	Done with the divorce >Sadly, they don't care about that here much. Which country are you in? I need to know to make sure I don't get married there. I mean, I do not plan to re-marry ever, but I will not re-marry extra hard wherever you are. In the Netherlands, a colleaugue of mine reduced his income that is considered a basis for child support on the grounds that he has to rent a place near his child, and it's expensive. The court subtracted the rent amount from his after tax income and calculated the support based …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 03:26 PM
1	Done with the divorce >It was some dude at work too. Kind of a Classic. Seeing as I picked her up at work, I am not in a position to complain. >though I'm not sure what else I could have done I think important part of becoming an adult is realization that while we do have responsibilities, our powers are limited. Sometimes there is nothing we can do, or there is something but we fail to find it, and shit happens anyway - despite the fact that it's your responsibility not to let it happen. Did you give it your best tr…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 03:17 PM
2	What was the final straw that led you to divorce? My wife saying "let's divorce" :)	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 03:01 PM
1	Done with the divorce Also man, I am sorry to read your story about child support. Sounds terrible. Stay strong.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 02:57 PM
1	Done with the divorce >Yes, or by husband, but where I am mothers get 90% of custody cases (Courts favor not separating young children from mothers) and 50/50 shared is like only 3% of all cases. I heard there's similar asymmetry in the Netherlands, although to a lesser extent. But we didn't have any disagreements around a 50/50 split, there wasn't a custody case. >The parent that lives with the child (you cannot have 2 residences) is paid CS for all the kid's needs. That's the difference, I think. Although primary r…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 02:56 PM
2	Done with the divorce >Your plan isn’t 50/50 it’s 57/43 her favor. How come? We both have 1 weekend day, we both have 2.5 weekdays. She has 3 weekday evenings (~2 hours each) and 2 mornings, I have 3 weekday morning (also ~2 hours each) and 2 evenings. >A child at that age is better with a 2-2-3 schedule. The reasoning behind it was as follows: it's important for my ex and me to also have some regularity in our lives. I always have Thursday evening free, so can schedule Dutch lessons this day; things like that. As fo…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 02:47 PM
1	Done with the divorce Our child officially resides with both parents, with primary residence with the mother, but primary residence does not give any privilege in terms of child support. Similarly to what you write, the right for support cannot be waived as it's a child's right, not parent's. Any divorce agreement has to be validated by the court and if you write down something that violates child's rights, the court will reject it. And you can't submit it yourself, you have to go through a mediator to make sure all …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 01:54 PM
2	Done with the divorce > They would be better off with 1 happy home. I failed to give it to them. Exactly. Even if the situation right now is such that the divorce will make it better, it's a bad situation. And we failed to avoid it. > Guiding principle should be equality and what is best for the kids. Be careful with the second one. We had equality and fairness. Here's why I think "best for the kids" is dangerous. People who kidnap, do that for the kids. People who deny access do that for the kids. People do all kind…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 12:47 PM
2	Done with the divorce It is an agreement, but if we took it to court it would probably be the same, only less convenient. She earns 7% more than I do, which I decided not to go for since the court would dismiss such a small difference anyway (we both earn reasonably well, above 120k per year gross), and we co-parent 50/50, so there is nothing to pay for. We have agreed that vacations, food, toys and lodging expenses are with the parent whose shift it is, and anything else will be shared equally (like sport, courses o…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 12:40 PM
4	Done with the divorce Family was an important project for me, and I failed in it. I appreciate the fact that it could have been worse in very many ways, still, a failure is a failure. Nothing to celebrate. Good luck on your course! Where are you at now?	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 12:22 PM
3	Done with the divorce Maybe, but not necessarily. There was a long period of us being more and more emotionally detached, and sexually inactive. And then it was followed by a short period of about 3 months when we have agreed we are divorcing, but we technically stayed married until the formalities are done and the court had its decision. I think she started with this guy sometime during these 3 months. Or maybe earlier, during the detachment phase. I could have asked and she would have answered, but I think it'd be …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 12:06 PM
1	Your best friend just got done with is divorce, what are some advices and tips to help him? >Read about relationships. Read about sexual marketplace. There are so many resources online, >YouTube etc that your 18 year old confused self wish they had access to. Aren't these just algorithm-enhanced echo chambers? I mean, you want to hear "women bad", youtube will be happy to supply. You want to hear "men bad", it'll do exactly the same good job for this different goal.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 11:50 AM
4	Your best friend just got done with is divorce, what are some advices and tips to help him? There's a lot of good advice that's universal, not just after divorce. Healthy lifestyle, work life balance, all that. But specifically for after divorce I'd add these: figure out a way to make your life better in some way that was not possible before, do your best to reap the reward however insignificant it might be. don't try to win the race of who moves on first. learn not to consider your new life through your ex'es eyes. She is not there anymore, what she thinks or would have thought about …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 11:49 AM
1	How to break it to her? >I'm sure she thinks everything is fine Then she is deliberately ignoring the signals, isn't she? You have no intimacy, you told her it's not fine. If after that she still thinks it's fine, it's on her. >Should I give her a heads up before the holidays That would defeat the purpose of postponing it until after the holidays. The divorce dynamics starts as soon as anyone says they are considering it. >And should I just basically say, I'm moving out today and take all my shit then It's a fair gestu…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 10:51 AM
1	Wife ran away with baby Can't you make your own bank account and transfer funds? Only your part, of course.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 10:43 AM
1	47M Navigating Post-Divorce Boundaries w/50F – Is This Dynamic Unusual? I never experience the same dynamic, no. But what I'd like to say seems quite obvious: your house is your house, it's your rules who can visit, when and under what circumstances. These are fair boundaries. I'd also like to point out that you have to be consistent. You cannot set boundaries and then enjoy when someone violated them. You cannot see her arrive without your consent and then instead of sending her home enjoy her cooking and familiarity.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 10:42 AM
1	Done with the divorce We live in the Netherlands, both are expats. We had no arguments so I have never had a chance to test how good the law is. We basically went "let's split stuff and savings in half, let's split time with the kid in half, nobody owes anybody anything", pretty simple principles to follow. We reached an agreement on every important topic before even filing, and then went for the cheapest procedure where you sit with a mediator for a couple hours to write everything down, while he explains everything…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 10:29 AM
5	Told the kids today I am sorry to read how bad it is for your kids. If you actually ask "how can she", it's very easy, and you even have answer in your post. If she actually believe that's the only way, then there is no ethical side to it. She does what is necessary, and shall manage the consequences the best she can, but there is no option not to do it. It's similar to like we all have to go to job and not see our kids most of the time; but it's a necessity of life so we don't consider the ethical aspect of leavin…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 09:56 AM
3	How do you build up the courage to ask for a Divorce? Depends on what kind of issues you have. It's one thing if she beats you with a broom - then you should leave no matter what. It's another if she doesn't want to have sex - then you might consider staying and just absorbing the damage. And it's another if she spends money not the way you approve - then you have a reasonable chance to fix it. Also, not having any time to discuss your relationships is ridiculous. Make time. Ask her to make time. Hire a babysitter for a day or two, go for a walk, d…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 09:37 AM
9	Ex moved her stuff out of the house today. I'm shattered and a mess. If I may offer an advice, you need less poetry. "Ghost of a broken marriage", "echo in the rooms" is very beautiful, yes, but may I suggest returning to Earth? What do you need to buy now that her stuff is gone? What can you do with the place now that you can decide without consulting anyone? How do you plan to allocate this free space you now have? Or whatever other earthly concerns you might have. In a way, it's easier for people who move out - they have a lot of earthly concerns. It is also s…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 09:30 AM
6	Done with the divorce I was somewhat prepared by this sub and my own understanding acquired with age that this will happen. She looked so sincere when she was saying she is tired of men and wants to be alone for a while. Back then, I answered that by my estimations she'd be alone no longer than half a year. Turns out, I was too cautious with giving it a half year slack; could have reduced this period to zero (and possibly even negative) and still be correct.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/25 09:08 AM
10	The money is forcing me into reconcilliation Then don't end it just yet. Work on improving your situation. Close down your business, lower your income. Then divorce in a year or two. She earns 90k, maybe she will end up paying alimony. >I will get a 2 bedroom apartment Depending on where you live, it can be an equivalent of 600k. Also, I'd like to point out that however bad divorce is for you now, you have to consider if it will become worse if you wait 10 years. Because it might happen without your consent at any time.	/r/Divorce_Men	26/08/25 11:22 AM
8	Separated for 8 months (39M & 38F) — is this actually better for the kids? Based on what you wrote, I think it is good for the kids that you parted ways. First of all, you did something that was dictated by your self-respect. I strongly believe that man's masculinity is built around him being able to look at himself in the mirror and have at least some respect for the person they see. Which is impossible to maintain if you allow yourself to remain in a place where someone calls you names. Second, of course it might not be so good for the kids to have to spend some time…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/08/25 10:21 AM