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HelixFish Archive

View 5 posts and 449 comments by HelixFish on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

It’s not inevitable but unless she agrees to a different split you’re unlikely to change that outcome UNLESS you have good documentation on the income difference and lack of contributions. Then it would be up to the judge or mediator. If she had a good career, which I’m assuming meant good earner, then where did the money go? Judge or mediator will have the same question. My ex had a good career… as a teacher… so it didn’t matter. I had a good science career and a good side gig, bringing in 70% …
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 09:45 PM
2

Thank you. Best of luck to you too. Did 17 years married. Hopefully your life gets repaired to where you want it. The other side can be good, but do the work to take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to spend time with a therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/22 09:03 AM
1

DM me and we can chat. Finances are good. Had a side gig previously and saved a lot. We split everything 50/50 and she was left with no debt. Post divorce I bought out my spousal support obligations. Just child support for 2.5 more years. Kids are good. Oldest is taking AP classes and working a job he loves. Youngest has had some struggles, but is maturing well. They are both going to do fine. I’m close to both of them and amicable usually with their mom. We used mediation. It went fine. If she’…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 09:14 PM
1

No. My ex has BPD. It would get bad. Then it would be fine. We had many good times. There was enough bad shit that it changed who I am. I developed ways to cope that are unhealthy. I will always be trying to kill off those unhealthy habits. I wish I’d divorced earlier. I hate the things that consume me now. Only my partner knows, not even my ex. Don’t let yourself be changed MORE into things you’ll have a hard time changing back. Have you seen a therapist? If not, do it. Work through your feelin…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 08:11 PM
1

It won’t last. You should leave, for your sake, and for your child. By staying you endorse the behavior and your child will learn this behavior or believe it to be ok or normal. This opens your child up to being a victim in a worse, violent, relationship than yours.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 08:01 PM
0

You are some kind of red pill idiot, aren’t you? Stop posting.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 07:43 AM
1

Well shit, there you go. I’m sorry man.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 08:44 PM
6

WTF is this comment? Because a guy at an arbitrary age doesn’t want kids? So much judgement here stranger. Someone is less of a man because they are shooting blanks? Can you explain this to me? I once knew a guy, smart engineer, that acted like getting snipped and castration were the same. He’d say he was joking, but clearly he wasn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 05:20 PM
2

What are your specific concerns? What evidence do you have that these concerns are more than hypothetical? Do you know this guy or anything about him? He could be a great guy. I’m sure it hurts and no one will say anything to make that better. You may be that guy someday, to someone else’s ex. Behave in the same way you’d want their ex to behave. Work on the hurt, constructively and intentionally.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 04:53 PM
2

Good luck mate. Self representation is always successful.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 04:12 PM
1

Possible, but OP clearly is not saying that in his post.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/22 01:28 AM
2

Sounded like you won’t let her get a job. Is this correct? If so, why?
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 09:40 PM
2

Yeah, he was clear about that. But he’s a bit out of touch about it. Also, as someone who understands: it’s still a shitty thing to do. No wink wink c’mon changes that. Best to own it, which he IS doing. A potentially good start.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/22 11:06 PM
8

You became desensitized to what you were doing and the pain and harm it could cause. You stbx is reacting normally to your actions. You need a good therapist to sort all of that out and lots of time. If you can break that need for external validation you’ll be fine and will be able to find someone else. But you need to recognize what drives you to cheat and find more productive ways of dealing with it WITH the person you are in a relationship with. If you sort out your issues and your ex is will…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/22 05:32 PM
5

Lexapro is a great antidepressant. I had no side effects and it helped. It takes weeks for it to help. This is true for all antidepressants. So don’t expect a quick fix.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/22 01:14 AM
1

You could also trying using a parenting communication site like Talking Parents. That’s worked pretty well for us and isn’t as intrusive.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/22 02:25 AM
3

Have a BPD ex. I set some clear boundaries, which helped. If she starts to raise her voice unnecessarily or insults me I give her one warning then either a) say bye and hang up, b) leave, c) kick her out. It’s helped. She loves the kids, so she has been better. She also has a BF now, and that helps immeasurably. His a nice guy, I like him. Not sure why they are together but it works well for me and the kids. While we were divorcing but still in the same house she broke open the door when one of …
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/22 09:49 PM
52

WTF are you giving her everything for? 50/50. New woman is great, but don’t fall for the chemical feels and make decisions based on infatuation. What do YOU feel about your stbx’s behavior? Weed is great. Making life decisions on weed is beyond stupid. Seems like you are trying new things and being told a lot. Please make sure you are the one making these decisions and that you make them far from when you are high. I’m in no way saying you should stay. Just make sure you’ll be happy with that ch…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/22 10:52 PM
1

We have 50/50 and I’m deeply involved in my kids lives and they are late teens. My ex has only been with this guy 1.5 years, I hope he stays though. If you have limited custody time it’ll be hard, but you can make your time count. I don’t understand how other dads don’t realize that many other men help raise their kids: teachers, coaches, dads of their friends, etc. All of these other men contribute. You will never be the only dad in their lives, even if you stayed with you son’s mother. If ther…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/22 02:30 PM
7

Divorced in 2018, my ask. Kids are doing great, both in high school. Found a great woman, she is amazing. Ex still has shit piled around her kitchen all the time. She found a good guy, I like him, kids like him. I’m happy. No more dealing with her anger and borderline issues.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/22 10:18 PM
2

Her attorney just gave you evidence to use in court. You have this in a text, email, etc? Show the judge. Nice!
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 02:47 AM
3

What would be your goal of talking about the infidelity now? Talking about it now would almost guarantee loss of goodwill from your stbx. So keep it hidden that you know until you get what you want. Did mediation successfully here. 401K funds are not worth as much as cash. They are worth 100% minus whatever your tax rate is. At least if your mediator is any good they will enforce that. But otherwise assets are assets. So say you want to buy out $100K in equity from your stbx you’d need to pay ou…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 08:06 PM
3

This comment. Anything to the contrary is horrible advice. Just go online for the statements. It will probably take a few days for them to recover the older statements. Also, JFC it’s tedious? There is no fast for divorce. This is an arduous and long process. Best to buckle in.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 04:21 PM
3

State?
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/22 02:14 AM
4

State? Age of kids? Has he been paying support? Not enough info bro. If he’s trying to go from zero to 50/50 I’d say no way. If I was a judge I’d not allow it. He needs to actually create and maintain a caring relationship with his kids first. It’s great he wants 50/50, but that’s not a first step.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/22 05:13 PM
21

You’re not a failure man, and things will change. This is just the start of a new journey in a new direction. Change is fucking hard. You didn’t stop being strong because you got divorced. Take time for yourself and do the things that will keep you strong, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Eat healthy. See a therapist. Find a group of guys. Where are you located? You can do this and you will do this. For yourself and for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 01:58 PM
11

Check your agreement and state laws. Co-habitating can nullify support in some situations.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 03:13 PM
3

By staying with her you are normalizing her behavior and telling your kids that it’s okay. Please, for the kids sake and yours: divorce her. I will never, ever, get better. Show your kids it’s not okay. Divorce her. Your life will be 100000000% better without her and your kids will have a safe space, without her. Please. Get out now. See a lawyer, file, have her removed from the house. File a TRO. Make more recordings if you are in a single party consent state.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 10:39 AM
1

And this advice is still horrible. Edit: hahahhaha you deleted your post. What a child.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 07:59 PM
1

Are you an actual adult saying that because someone else does it that makes it ok? Holy shit. Edit: I am no angel, but my moral compass is not broken in that area.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 12:27 AM
1

Ultimately you know what it was worth and that’s all that should matter, but check your lawyer’s advice. When it’s time to settle that amount still matters and there will be a paper trail. u/pk2at, your posts are deleted as it’s super shitty advice. None of this changes anything at final settlement. You’ve got to worry about actual secret assets and accounts. Follow the $, check both of your credit reports for hidden account, and go over bank statements for 2-3 years pre-divorce. Unless you floa…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 12:17 AM
1

She feels she has no control and doing this gives her a measure of control. Talk to her about it and try to have her see a therapist to work through it. Normal people don’t treat each other this way and you should not endure it. But try to get her help, it will benefit all of you. Don’t try and be her therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 08:49 PM
2

I’d by half the father I am without the things I learned from my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 04:25 AM
2

The best answer, if you haven’t, is to talk with her. Tell her how you’re feeling. Say “I know I messed up and every moment since then I’ve tried to repair things. I want to stay with you. These arguments are pushing me away. What do you want? What can I do to help YOU? The hurt I caused will take time to heal. I want to help you heal.” Something like that. See if she want to do counseling together or separately. Keep letting her know you are on her team. If she is game you can reconcile. Best o…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/22 03:31 AM
1

This is good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/22 05:03 PM
5

You already know. Leave the drama queen. No good will come of it long term.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 04:51 PM
1

This is not going to work. This is so transparent as to be laughable.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 09:58 PM
2

It’s too late. You will need to supply bank statements. No one will look at a slow stream of cash withdrawals as anything other than hiding money. Don’t do it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 09:56 PM
1

Yeah, go ahead. I’ll shoot you my number.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 10:26 PM
2

Yes. That’s the software used to calculate all support in CA. All calcs that matter start there.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 10:25 PM
5

Cool, good for you. I used a mediator. He didn’t take shit from anyone. Hope you have a good one and get 50/50 across the board. It happens. Edit: LMK if you need Dissomaster help or anything else. I’m in East Bay and the peninsula, each half time.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 05:17 PM
5

Huh. Also in CA. Fully under the impression it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 05:14 PM
7

Does any of this matter in your location? Where I live absolutely 0% of these things would matter to the court.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 05:12 PM
3

We haven’t met in ages due to Covid unfortunately.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 04:25 AM
1

Shit dude, with comments like “could be getting it elsewhere” it sounds like you don’t value your partner at all. If so you should leave. I’d suggest going to solo therapy yourself and see what comes up. Fully engage in therapy. What else is going on? You’re not even close to deadbedroom territory.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 07:42 PM
3

Twice a week is great in a relationship that long. If you need more, talk to her and ask her what her needs are. Take responsibility. Make sure she is feeling sexy and confident about herself and that you are fit and taking care of yourself. Kids?
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 06:30 PM
1

Dear internet stranger, you will know it when I’ve insulted you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 04:32 AM
6

They may just want to know income. You’ll need to share taxes for the last few years anyway. It’s all in the tax info. No need for 20 years though. I’d balk at anything greater than 7 years.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 03:43 AM
0

I love how you include a random insult in your replies. You’re going to do well out there.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 03:41 AM
-1

Hey you are the super obsessed guy that doesn’t listen to advice! Consider engaging better with therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 12:45 AM
6

I paid off my car, minimized all my utilities and recurring payments, basically did everything I could to reduce my overhead. Rarely ate out. Already did almost all house, yard, car maintenance myself. Reduced insurance premiums.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 07:05 PM
12

Call. Her. Bluff. She was promised some high support number. Serve her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 11:53 PM
2

My dude, this is so close to my own life it’s creepy. My boys are mid-high school. Same issues with my ex’s behavioral problems making life difficult for my boys. As others have said: let the boys decide. Talk it through with them and let them understand the full weight and possible consequences of what’s going on. It’s part of being an adult. They are smart, have them step away from their feeling for a bit if possible. Can they just stay with you? I don’t know the complexities of your life thou…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 10:14 PM
1

Damn big place. Maybe more specific?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 12:16 AM
8

You should DM me. I’m also in the Bay Area, lead a mens divorce group, and can help you with Dissomaster calcs. Divorced in 2018, marriage of 17 years. Try mediation. A good mediator will be fair, tell you the law, and help you negotiate with what you want.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 07:07 PM
9

Do you know if she’s angry or just being independent?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/22 11:57 PM
2

One of the reason I divorced my wife years ago was her BPD. I took it for years, but she was starting to rip into the kids for no reason, in public, at school events. My oldest asked me how I dealt with it (he was 10) and I gave him some bullshit answer. She was yelling at him so much he was starting to run away. Staying implies approval of the behavior and makes it seem normal. This kind of behavior is not ok or normal. Now I’m divorced and much happier. My kids are happy and SAFE when they are…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:28 PM
1

And that’s why people get divorced. Gattsama understood what was meant but choose to ignore it and be smarmy.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:23 PM
2

Do YOU want a divorce? That’s the most important question. If not, apply loving pressure: go have your health checked out, thoroughly, or I will go talk to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:15 PM
3

Yeah, no one likes to go back to counseling when they are always wrong. Does she go from 0 to 100 at the drop of a hat? Maybe borderline, but that gets thrown around a lot. Would she see a psychiatrist for an evaluation?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:12 PM
1

I think both of you are acting like 14 year olds. Are you both serious? Communication would have fixed all of this before it became a problem. If this is what it takes for you guys to get divorced then there is no hope for you. You should both go see a counselor together and work on honesty and communication issues.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:07 PM
3

You have her SS# presumably. Unless she paid cash she has a loan. You might be able to pull her credit, but please check if that puts you in legal jeopardy first.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 08:17 PM
7

Where would she have gotten the money for the purchase? Did you check under her maiden and BF’s names?
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 08:10 PM
6

Glad you came out the other side ok. Hope you’ve done some therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 03:24 PM
2

Solid advice.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 03:17 PM
1

Are you 12? Are you an adult? You can’t handle a situation yourself? Jesus.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:37 PM
0

Where she is when not with the kids is absolutely none of your fucking business.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:35 PM
2

I’d suggest you work with a therapist. Example of how much you are obsessed with your ex: when I was getting divorced my ex wanted to know where I was all the time. Even when I didn’t have the kids. Which makes no fucking sense. This is what you are doing to your ex. Get your head right bro.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:01 PM
8

You are fooling yourself bro. Start being honest with yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 06:06 AM
1

Bonus table. It’s pretty straightforward here in CA. I do CS monthly based on salary but there is a chunk taken from my bonus based on the table, rate changes based on total bonus with gradation of $5-10K.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 02:38 PM
2

That sounds super interesting. Glad you were able to get back on your feet. Kick some ass out there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 12:24 AM
1

Jesus. What kind of work do you do?
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 12:02 AM
2

Any assets or debts bought after asking for divorce are owned solely by the person making the purchase. Just check with your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/22 01:41 PM
1

CA divorced in 2018 via mediator. Anything you do will need to signed off by a judge and filed with the court. Judge will not sign if it doesn’t make sense. You can pay to have a private judge sign off.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:50 PM
5

Very confused. OP, are you a woman? Go to r/deadbedrooms. I divorced my LL wife, but we were together >15 years. Is your husband in shape? Does HE think he’s attractive? Also, quit harping on him being a closeted gay man. It’s super fucking offensive and I’m a straight cis man. That shit right there is a massive turn off. Dial the pressure down and make him feel wanted, cared for, sexy, and SAFE. Safe is sexy. You’ve not mentioned any of YOUR issues at all which is pretty damn suspect. Have you …
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 02:28 AM
1

Mediation. Arbitration is not for divorce. 50/50 assets and custody. Know EVERYTHING about your finances before going. You save time and money through being organized. You’ll need all bank statements for the last couple years, tax returns for the last few year. Pull your and your stbx’s credit reports and make sure nothing is hidden. A good mediator will be totally fair, explain the letter of the law, but let you know you can do anything you want if both of you agree. Pay to have a private judge…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 05:34 PM
16

No regrets here, other than wishing I’d divorced sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 06:21 AM
1

BPD is a helluva issue, right?
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 03:17 PM
1

Wow, holy shit. That’s some crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:37 PM
1

Indeed. Amazing thing is that they are not exclusive. Some people manage to tear their family apart and are just not able to take responsibility. It’s amazing. They are doomed to repeat history. Best of luck to you. It gets better.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:49 AM
12

My ex has BPD and treated me like shit for 20 years with a dead bedroom too. My eyes were opened when I left and found out normal women don’t treat their men (or anyone) that way. Wasted a lot of years, but I’m pretty happy now.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 08:13 PM
1

Sounds rough. But everyone else’s situation is not yours. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 08:10 PM
2

That’s a bit basic. My ex’s BF stays out of shit and is a good guy. I have no problems with him. My fiancée has no interest in being a mom to my kids, they already have a mom. There is no conflict with parenting.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 08:09 PM
-1

Because sometimes the AP is a better person than the spouse or parent they replaced. Also, many AP’s aren’t trying to replace a parent at all, they just fell in love with one of the parents, ya know. Perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 08:07 PM
1

This survey is only going in one direction.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:25 PM
1

No advice here but here’s some support man. That is some tough fuckery. I hope things work out for you and the kids. Manly hug.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 03:59 AM
2

Indeed, I know. The tricky part is enforcing it with making my life a living hell. Because truly, she happily makes my life a living hell. I have a list of lawyers to consult with, it won’t matter until the fall so I’m not in a huge rush. She’s gonna be pissed and I’ll do my happy dance.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 12:00 AM
2

I did a post divorce buyout. So happy I did, though ex has informed me she will not be keeping up her end of the deal.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 10:34 PM
2

Mediation. Go get a good mediator.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/22 07:45 PM
4

I just let it go. She is controlled by her fucked up brain and it has nothing to do with me or even her. It doesn’t help to get mad. I think she is to stupid to forgive and I don’t let it get to me enough to make any of her fuck ups forgiveness worthy. Fuck her.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/22 05:03 PM
4

That was never my thing, but the cost was. What helped me was totaling everything up and dividing it in half and starting there to figure out the most I’d end up with. Accepting that reality helped me to go through with it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 11:53 PM
4

I did a post divorce buyout. I looked my expected salary and bonus over time vs her salary over time. I then calculated all the payments I’d be making. As part of the buyout $ I will give her lump sums when each kid graduates high school. We also made a college cost sharing agreement as part of the buyout. I am 100% sure she will end up using the lump sums to pay her part of the kids college costs. This aligned with what I’d be doing anyway, so it was a win win for me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 05:31 PM
2

Look on Meet Up. I’ve started groups like you need.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 04:32 AM
4

CA divorce here, 18 years, Bay Area. Support results will depend on actual salaries after being input to the Dissomaster software. Get medical evaluations done now, before you file. College payment would be a negotiated thing, not sure if the courts would have a say. I did a post divorce spousal support buyout that also included a college cost sharing plan. But that is something my ex and I both wanted. She is already trying to weasel out of parts of that agreement that she was paid for. Sadly, …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 03:16 PM
3

This is great advice. Therapy is something than can never end, there are always things to work on, which is great. But if you’ve not achieved progress by a set point, you’re likely spinning your wheels. I will say, perhaps close the open relationship while in therapy. An open relationship is one thing, but having a partner telling someone else they love them seems to be over a boundary line. That needs to be paused or ended. It’s clearly more than sex. But take the time to explore that: why is T…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 02:36 PM
2

Christian sharia law, they are trying.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 07:21 PM
1

Bravo my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 03:12 PM
8

Well, with attitudes like that you guys deserved everything you got and all that’s coming your way. Bunch of fools. You really have no idea. Checked OPs post history: women hater. Seriously, why do you guys have kids and even get in relationships? Go hang out with your red pill adult incel crowd. FFS.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 01:57 PM
9

Call her bluff. Do not renegotiate. Give her one chance to honor the agreement (if you feel it is fair to you) and warn her that you will obtain counsel at her cost if she attempts any changes or continues to operate in bad faith. Also, at the same time: start interviewing 2-3 lawyers. Ask any friends for recommendations. Decide who you’d go with, and don’t waste time, sort it out in 1-2 weeks. If she blinks tell her all the lawyers you interviewed and retain your counsel. Then all communication…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 04:24 AM
1

I did mediation, similar stats. It worked out well, mediator had heard of all before. 50/50 everything. You will need your own lawyer to look over the agreement. Money well spent. Mediation will save you a ton.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 12:00 AM
1

It’s great that you are so dialed in to your kids. No need to change that, just adjust the direction. You need to make that personal sacrifice for their benefit. Less of you is not the benefit, seeing that you are happy and being able to spend time in a SAFE home is the benefit. Do not underestimate the value of a safe home.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 09:48 PM
1

After my ex loudly blew up in a restaurant at my oldest (10yo at the time), while there for a school function I faced a decision: stay, and imply acceptance of the way I and my kids were being treated, or leave, showing them they didn’t need to accept it. I left. It was clear what the trajectory was. You can’t straighten out someone with BPD. Meds do not help. It will not change, they are hardwired for it. You need to leave, get at least 50/50 custody, and become the parent your kids deserve. I …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 09:06 PM
1

Yes, I do have kids, both teens now. She targets them sometimes with her irrational outbursts. I couldn’t stop her before, but now I can model how a parent should behave, even if they are in trouble or I’m angry with them for things that are appropriate I can show them how to be angry and not treat people like shit. They don’t tell me everything that happens with their mom though, and I do try my best. I think my oldest gets it worst as he looks/acts very similar to me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 07:22 PM
1

Hey man, I divorced my wife who has BPD. Please leave, you didn’t do anything to deserve the shit you get. File and get a therapist and start (or keep) working out of the place you’re in. Life is so much better. We had good times, but holy shit a lot of bad. You should be treated with respect, like a normal human. The divorce will suck. It will hurt. You will come out the other side and your life will be better.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 04:15 AM
2

When she wanted to argue it would go until 3am. The argument would cycle fully 2-3 times, which I always knew would happen. I’d finally get her calm and try to go to sleep and within 30 minutes it would start again. She was happy to argue in front of the kids and in public. She didn’t overspend. She didn’t work when the kids were little but I had to really push to get her to go back to work, even though we had agreed that she’d go back to work when the kids were both in school. Having her work r…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 01:49 AM
3

That sounds horrible. I stayed for 17 years. There were good times too, but I lived years just being angry all the time, never told anyone, etc. Such a waste of time. No relationship is perfect, but it’s how we work with each other to deal with those issues that is a measure of a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 07:17 PM
5

Loud public argument blow up while out to dinner at a elementary school function because 8 yo child didn’t do homework. She has borderline, couldn’t take the random blowups for no reason anymore. Child asked how I dealt with it and there was really no answer. Much happier now.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 05:49 PM
4

Nope. We had a fair divorce, CA. 50/50 custody and assets.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/22 04:16 AM
2

Married how long? If it’s under 10 you’ll be fine. File immediately. Do not wait.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:12 PM
7

DM me. I’m in the Bay Area and run a divorced men’s group. What would she be punished for? What are your losses? What you are suggesting is not a legal thing. It’s an emotional thing and you need to hold those emotions. You need to file for divorce. There is no reason to stay in this situation. If you have no kids consider it a bonus. How long married?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:11 PM
4

Deja Vu?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 05:13 AM
5

It was not clear that OP’s attorney was a female. Thanks for the clarification. Re-read it, still wasn’t clear.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 06:01 PM
14

Stop. Why would you tell her your plan? Yes, it will feel good but then you’ve played your cards. Keep it to yourself. Communication like this rarely benefits you and only serves the other party.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 05:08 PM
1

Then you won’t be able to sell it unless she agrees with the sale or you have a court order allowing it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/22 02:25 PM
1

Who is on the mortgage? Who is on the deed?
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/22 02:20 PM
0

What was my logic?
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 05:55 PM
-5

The article you link to isn’t even consistent to itself. Thank you, this proves my point. It rounds 44% up to 50% and who knows what else is inaccurate. Never let the people selling you a thing provide the stats proving how amazing it is. Lawyers have reason the fudge the numbers and feed you a line of bullshit. I’m not saying the rates are incredibly different. I’m saying watch where you get your info from, do your own research, in your own area, looking at recent cases. Watch out for FUD, ther…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 03:15 PM
-8

Take stats with no citations with a massive grain of salt. There are MANY guys here with an axe to grind. Local laws can matter a lot. That said, 100% of divorces, each and every one, began with marriage. See, even there it’s not true. Domestic partners, common law unions, etc. can also end in divorce. Edit: I love the downvotes for suggesting caution with stats.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 02:53 PM
3

No idea mate. Just commenting on what those acronyms usually mean. Sounds like a horrible situation. Do you have someone close to you that you can talk about this? If not, convert your closest friend. I had to tell my friends a lot of horrible shit that I’d quietly dealt with. It’s time to open up.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 07:06 PM
1

Seconding this: DH = dear husband, dear… etc.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 08:52 AM
1

Indeed. Currently we mix no monies and have zero joint accounts that matter. I’ve reduced my overhead costs as much as feasible. We maintain our homes totally separately. This will continue 3-4 years and then we will consolidate. Until that time there is nothing for us to do.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 01:41 PM
1

Those are big balls for a 42 day old Reddit account. Might want to work on those issues. Otherwise you’re just going to rinse and repeat. You don’t want that, do you?
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 11:27 PM
1

That’s what we both thought. We aren’t having any kids. It’s just us and my obligations to my children are mine alone. We overall have equal finances, we don’t want that to change.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 11:23 PM
5

I would. I would want a prenup. My fiancée would also wants a prenup. We are engaged, but have no plans to marry. We are both happy with the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/22 06:31 PM
3

You can’t. But you can learn and change who you are now and not make the same mistakes moving forward. Everything may suck now, but it will get better and you will be okay.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/22 11:25 AM
7

I divorced my ex. I do not regret it. I feel bad for the pain caused her. I still want her to be happy. She is still a horrible person sometimes and I do not miss it at all.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/22 06:26 PM
3

Depending on your cell provider, it can be easy to turn off/on service if there is a problem. At various points with my teens I’ve had to do this temporarily due to grades. Doesn’t need to be heavy handed, and works great. Enjoy your calls and FaceTime with your kiddos. Nothing expresses love more than valuing contact and communication.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/22 06:40 PM
2

Good job man! How old? I was luckily that my kids had phones when we got divorced. I cannot even imagine the hassle of trying to go through my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/22 06:29 PM
1

Where do you live that requires your wife to sign so that you can file? You should be able to file solo and then take the case to a judge. Someone is fucking with you to make more money. Seriously. Educate yourself. Sounds like you are being led.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/22 02:06 PM
3

She is way worse without boyfriend. Way worse. She can be okay, but has BPD so suddenly shit happens and without logic. Fiancée and I don’t know what he sees in her but it works out well for me most of the time. Fiancée is also divorced, no kids. We got engaged to be engaged. Neither feels the need to get married and we’d both want a prenuptial, fully protecting both of our assets.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 03:53 AM
2

Your last paragraph is exactly what I did. Other than on a short vacation I didn’t tell her where I was going or with whom. These things are easily guessable though. Shrug. Co-parent? Well, she says I won’t co-parent with her. She may be right, but I don’t know what the issue is. She can never define the problem. Always gets angry and deflects when I ask her to be specific. It’s never about the issue. I’m a fucking amazing dad, not perfect by any means, but fucking amazing. I love my kids and th…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 03:47 AM
1

I’m in CA. None of my support payments are tax deductible. Support is calculated on pre-tax earnings. Bonus % is paid pre-tax also. DM me if you want specific questions asked.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 11:57 PM
1

Take the vested value at time of separation or when the divorce was asked or filed and divide that by 2. Sometimes agreeing on this date is the tough part.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 06:25 PM
3

Can you not reach out directly to them or make a private group? The judge did not say you can’t get support.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 04:09 PM
2

We switch on wednesdays. I like it. My ex has issues managing our 2 boys so switch days are stressful for her. She wants to move the switch to Sundays, which I get but I like my full weekends, with my boys or without. I wonder if a Friday switch would be better for a full weekend.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 03:08 PM
2

Key information not in your post: how old are your kids? Some schools have aftercare on site after school. Either at the school or that picks up from the school. Then you’d pay from after school to whenever you pick up. I did this for awhile until my kids got old enough. It’s not fun as a parent, but the kids are cared for and it provides a good routine for young kids. I think the expense is tax deductible also. You could also see if a neighborhood teen would watch the kids after school, also di…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 03:19 AM
3

Indeed. If my boys ever get married I will offer them this advice. It’s not commentary on their partner, it’s about personal financial safety in the dim future. This should recommend more often.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 05:58 PM
2

It’s in your best interest to figure it out yourself first. They will need all the docs you use to figure it out yourself and you will need proof. Banks only keep 7 years of records and destroy anything older. Starting downloading the oldest records you can find now as you may need to request some that are close to 5 years old. Do not rely on your lawyer. So get bank, 401k, and all other docs from before you were married now. Time is ticking.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 05:45 PM
1

Then all is good. Well done.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/22 02:31 AM
1

But did you have similar incomes?
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 10:43 PM
1

Does the $100k represent half your combined net worth?
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 10:42 PM
1

I’m with my fiancée when not with my kids. However, I’ve been getting rid of lotsa shit in my house as my kids are mid teens now and I’m trying to nuke my garage. Just lotsa shit that I don’t need anymore. Need to downsize my garage junk. Also doing some woodworking, just got a thickness planer. My fiancée is often super busy, so I’ve taken up some mycology growing hobbies to grow shiitake and shimeji mushrooms. Fun, slow, lotsa work.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 07:51 PM
1

While what you say is true, and logically she should not then benefit, but the court may not see it that way. However, you may get a good judge, but this is lawyer territory not internet advice. Try mediation if you can! Works for some, but not for many. Worked for me and can offer advice there. Start today, this is a guilt free choice.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:52 AM
1

Yep, am aware. He has his own biz in in a LCOL state pulling 100-200K. Her equity will no be a problem for him. Please go back and read the post.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 09:03 PM
-3

Not likely. They’ve been married 4 years and he already owned the house. Her equity will be small. Shouldn’t be a big deal to buy that out and keep the house. You are giving horrible advice.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 02:17 PM
9

I think you’ll do okay. Don’t freak out. But get a lawyer now and file now. No need to endure this shit. Stop having sex with her. You do not want kids with her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 02:04 PM
-1

This guy did not read your post or knows nothing of separate property.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 02:03 PM
1

I have my kids 50/50 and a coparenting relationship with my ex. I have my kids on my insurance and as beneficiaries and a similar clause in my divorce decree. I get it 100% and stand by my comments. You want to pursue this, go for it. You’re wasting your real money on money that will likely never be realized. That’s your call though. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 11:28 PM
3

This seems like it’s more about other things. That’s your business. You might want to consult with a lawyer to see if it is indeed a waste of your time. Either way, quit giving her free rent in your head.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 05:46 AM
1

Let that shit go. If she dies while the clause is in effect you can sue the estate. She’s being petty. You know this. Are you going to be petty too? Unless you have a need for that poison just let it go. You know it’s unlikely that money will ever realize. Don’t let her wind you up.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 05:11 AM
4

This has got to be the most wholesome unpoisoned thread in this sub I’ve seen for days. Fuckin’ Friday. <fist bump>
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 04:48 AM
6

You are basically being allowed to decide who you are going to be again. Seriously. That’s why it’s important to have your head right. You can be the same person, no shame there, or you can be someone you want to be that’s different. Really pretty cool, but if you do this be upfront about your past to your partner. They need to know who you were too. People who don’t realize this are doomed to repeat their mistakes by only seeing their successes. Damn. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 04:24 AM
10

Good job my dude! Glad you’re having success. Do yourself a favor and try to not date exclusively at first. Meet at least a few different women so you can be a better overall judge of who you’d like to be with. First person may be better than your ex, but that may be a low bar (or not). Then your can make informed decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/22 11:27 PM
2

Prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 08:11 PM
1

I’m divorced via deadbedrooms. I didn’t read your story but I get it. If your daughter has established residency in NC it won’t matter what you do. You should KNOW that man. If you are going to succeed you need to know all the stuff, not relying on your wife for anything. You need to be the expert on all the shit she currently does. Most guys crash and burn on this detail. I’ve been someone new for some years now and it’s great. Every relationship worth having requires work though. Take care of …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/22 03:37 PM
3

Alimony is different in retirement. Talk to a lawyer. If you’re not working, you can’t pay. Talk to a lawyer and stop ridiculous advice. Most of the advice you’re getting is shit.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/22 03:18 PM
2

That part wasn’t the problem average guy. Looks like you deleted a lot of your comments. To address one of them: it’s not past mistakes I or others haves issues with necessarily. I’ve fucked up a ton. It’s the cavalier attitude about your current things and the same way you frame your past, like you have no regrets. That’s what came across. If it’s not how you actually feel then edit it to make it clear and maybe you’ll see the response you’re looking for. I hope things work out better in your f…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 09:26 PM
4

You can be soft, you can be kind, but you need to not shield her from reality. Doing so is neither of those. You need to have solid boundaries, you’ve likely read this before. Being her friend now will end up hurting her more. All of this doesn’t mean you need to be an asshole. Just have boundaries, be firm, and politely tell her she will need to figure out things on her own. Being reliant on you will not help her at all.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 06:16 AM
2

She is an adult in the legal system. You really don’t need to explain anything to her. It’s no longer your responsibility. You need to fully absorb that fact and own it for both your and her own good. There will be many thing she will need to have explained to her, you should absolutely not be the one to do so. She needs to either fully adult on her own or find someone that is not you to explain how to her. This is for your protection, the kids protection, and her protection.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 06:08 AM
1

Do you have kids? Why do you need to handle it?
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 06:03 AM
1

Also, don’t need her to get divorced. There are stipulations in the law for people that just disappear. Their spouses aren’t stuck being married. Find out what applies in your situation. It will take awhile for sure, but you can close your divorce for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 04:06 AM
2

All I know is what you post. So, there’s that. The Covid shit you’re pulling has a special place of hate in my heart.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 03:59 AM
2

Look at this asshat’s post history. Nuff said.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 03:45 AM
6

Guy seems to be cheating behind her back also. Fucking piece of shit.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 01:20 AM
4

So your wife worked from home and you were able to go in to work. Despite her Covid concerns you went out after work by yourself and risked her health. For her sake, get divorced. You sound like a piece of shit, if I’m being generous.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 01:18 AM
8

You need to talk to lawyer in your locale immediately. What ifs aren’t needed. Your situation doesn’t really make sense to me, even more reason to get a lawyer involved.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/22 07:30 PM
4

You don’t need her help. File without her and get the process started. Pull both your credit reports so you have an idea of what accounts are out there.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/22 07:08 PM
11

It’s not up to her. File and start the process. She doesn’t need to agree.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/22 07:02 PM
5

Mediation worked for me. My ex used the initial sessions to bitch about me and say how unfair life was. Mediator was mid-70s and had heard all that shit before. He was strictly letter of the law but told us both we could do whatever we wanted. That said, he clearly explained to both of us what our rights were. He was super fair. Any difference in court would have been eclipsed many times over by lawyer costs. In the end, it was 50/50 kids and assets which was all I wanted. I’m the one that wante…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/22 08:40 PM
1

Both
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/22 06:35 PM
1

How long were you married? How long are you supposed to pay? Forever? Post settlement I bought out my spousal support obligation. I was going to have to pay forever.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/22 04:42 AM
5

Do Not Get Her Pregnant!!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 04:37 PM
0

This is the answer.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 02:04 AM
6

Cool. Don’t call. She’s not interested and it will only lead to drama. No one needs drama.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 05:17 PM
2

You called her a him? What’s up with that? Is your ex wife a man or woman? Maybe English isn’t your primary language. Just cautious of trolls.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 05:13 PM
0

Sure, just calm down a bit. If you think Jesus Christ on a cracker is a racial slur then you need to take a breath and read more, ya know? I see so many shitty red pill guys in this sub. Don’t be like those guys, they always get what they are looking for, and that’s part of the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/21 06:26 PM
-1

Lol my sensitive dude. No racial slurs were used or any name calling. Man up. Even by using the term body count you out that you’re a child inside. Grow the fuck up. Edit: sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with. Sorry my dude, cheating spouses are difficult to deal with. I wish you well in 2022, but dial down the sensitivity a bit. No one is after you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/21 05:46 PM
0

Either way, so what? What’s up with this fucking double standard?
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/21 04:16 PM
0

If this is true… so what? You wouldn’t want to be with someone that never had sex before? Because why? Are you a virgin or just have no desire to be good at sex? Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/21 04:15 PM
5

You are well documenting your own mental health death spiral my dude. I absolutely get where you are coming from, but all of this will only serve to disintegrate your mental health. Take a step back and breathe. The next steps that some guys take can’t be taken back and can land you in jail. Then you’ll lose custody and won’t ever be able to see your kids. Please find a therapist and work on these things.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/21 11:07 PM
2

If you have documentation of assets/debts before you got married that may help. Credit for assets brought into the marriage and debit for any debt brought in. But it may depend on the lawyers, judge, mediator. Eh, for the common payments I specifically mean house payments. Theoretically: if you're paying the mortgage between when you ask for the divorce/separation date and when the actual divorce is final you may get credit for the increased principal or at least half that credit. We used a medi…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 08:35 PM
1

Perfect, you have the right idea. I did all this in my divorce, however my ex was not crazy like this (taking money, etc.) but I felt safe knowing I was protected and knew all the accounts. You’re going to do fine. Make sure you know all values, debts, and accounts, and keep tab of all common payments you are making: mortgage, utilities, etc. You should hopefully get some kind of credit later for these.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 08:14 PM
1

The goal is to ensure she doesn’t take all the money and make sure you can pay bills. Hiding money is never a good idea. Tell her what you’re doing and why if appropriate. It won’t matter whose name is on the account or not later. Separate accounts just ensure no surprises.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 08:07 PM
1

Every time you’re in doubt just count the number of times you had sex in the last few months. If you can count it then that sucks. Get divorced. I get it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 03:08 PM
1

Man, I did this multiple times with my ex. She even insisted on seeing a therapist together just so I could tell her I didn’t want to be with her anymore. Seriously, just repeating the hurt for herself but it’s so hard that I sympathized. Divorce final in 2018 and things are mostly okay now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 12:47 AM
1

The only other thing you could do is make a treatment ultimatum. That said, I think you’re ready and have just cause. I hated how my ex was treating the kids, and me. I get it. You’re going to be okay and the kids are going to be okay. Go for it. Take a close look at all of your finances and pull credit reports for you and your wife. This will make sure you have no surprises and are aware of all the accounts. Then if she goes ape shit then you have proof of how thing were. Also, get a new bank a…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/21 08:53 PM
2

Interesting. Your boss owns your ass. Interesting.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 10:28 PM
0

I’m here for exactly this reason. I see guys hurting here and they are lashing out at everything and making stupid choices. I try to offer a different perspective but I suppose sometimes haters gotta hate.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 10:05 PM
-3

People aren’t things. Do you want to be a thing? I don’t want to be a thing. You can invest in people, sure. But they are not investments because you can’t own people. Edit: I love the down votes because I said you can’t own people.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 07:41 PM
-6

Cool man. It’s a shitty way to think about people. Doing so makes people shitty humans. Shitty humans tend to hook up with other shitty humans and the cycle repeats. End the cycle, don’t be a shitty human. I see this stupid shit in this sub all the time. Guys complaining they always connect with shitty women. I wonder why. Huh.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 03:48 PM
-8

People are not investments or assets or liabilities.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 03:39 PM
2

Watch out for hysterical bonding. Google it. Don’t have sex with her. It will feel good, but afterward will totally fuck with your head. Save yourself the trouble and don’t get caught in any situation where it can happen.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/21 10:19 PM
1

If there is zero drama and it’s like you say you can probably go to the family court clerk and they can guide you on what to do. Just filing costs.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 05:54 AM
3

Is she asking for anything? It can be a simple split the stuff you got while together and sign papers. You can do this via mediator for cheap and it will be done right.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 05:44 AM
3

Hysterical bonding
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/21 07:04 PM
1

Check your DM.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 11:13 PM
1

I’m in the Bay Area. If you are too then we should meet up. Also, I can give you some very specific CA divorce advice that will help. Everything you believed was not a lie. Over time things can change. Therapy is a good place to examine that but obsessing about that now will be really toxic.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 10:35 PM
4

Hey man, things are going to be okay and life is too amazing to check out early. Show your kids strength and resilience, what you’re talking about is the opposite of that. Get a therapist and see a psychiatrist now. They will help you to work through this pain. If you need to, please check yourself into a in patient mental health center to keep yourself safe. Your kids will always be more thankful to have you around than to deal with the unbearable and unending pain you are suggesting to give to…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 08:14 PM
5

I think the OP is his own red flag.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 04:34 AM
5

Maybe stop fucking your ex…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 04:34 AM
6

Thank god condoms never break! /s
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 04:15 AM
37

Hell no. You’re divorced? This sounds like a horrible idea. She could get pregnant. She could intentionally give you a variety of STDs. She could accuse you of rape. Run away.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 12:04 AM
4

Check your local laws. In CA marriages over 10 years have never ending spousal support. I’d highly suggest you not let it get over 10 years if you’re in CA or have similar laws in your area.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/21 06:15 PM
2

This is something you’ll need to negotiate. If you can’t come to an agreement the court will decide, which may include neither of you getting the house.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/21 01:16 AM
1

Yep, sounds like it. Well, start doing a full accounting of assets and debts, actual incomes, etc. knowing these up and down will help you a lot. Let me know if you’re in CA and I can offer specific advice.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 09:07 PM
1

Counseling together may help. Sometimes hearing things in that setting with another responsible adult as witness can change how people hear things. Depends on if you want to try more or not and there is no guilt in deciding that the person she’s decided to become is not the person you want to stay with.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 07:36 PM
2

Well, everything in that context is evil then, right? My point is that she is choosing the weed over everything else, which is super shitty. The difference is the type of help needed and expectations. A therapist is sufficient here, as opposed to medical intervention with in patient care. She needs all this clearly laid out with a therapist with consequences. Not sure of your location, but just hide her weed or throw it away. If she loses her shit and won’t see it as the major problem SHE IS CAU…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 06:39 PM
1

Yeah, that could be the case. It’s important to be specific though. Throwing the wrong words around gives people the wrong idea which causes things like a ban on weed. Alcohol IS addictive, if you’re inclined. Opioids are addictive. Heroin and meth: addictive. Weed is not addictive.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 03:34 PM
-2

Guy sounds like a piece of shit, read the article an hour ago. Not surprised at all. Wouldn’t want my kids raised in his household.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 02:19 AM
2

Hey man, I’m in east bay and divorced 3 years ago. This seems like a good counseling situation. You and your wife should go and you need to tell her everything you mentioned above. Lots of other good advice. From this side it looks like your getting hustled. There is something wrong with your wife and/or MIL to have the attitude that your MIL doesn’t need to help. This is not normal. MIL needs to contribute in some way. Why is she even there? It would not be unreasonable to say to your wife that…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 01:09 AM
2

Just gonna say: weed isn’t addictive. She may be choosing to use every day because she likes it, but addiction is a separate thing. Does she have an addictive personality?
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 12:57 AM
2

Likely a made up statistic. I filed. I’m a man. I have the higher income. People are super biased that their situation is everyone’s situation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/21 12:04 AM
1

Likely. But while my ex is borderline she also has a good fairness streak in her. Timing was also good as she’d just bought a house and needed the funds. It’s all about presentation. I wasn’t trying to screw her out of money either. Her lawyer agreed w very closely with my math.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 03:48 PM
1

Correct! Paid a lump now and a smaller lump when each kid graduates high school. That way it’s spread out a bit for me and my investments will cover it. Worked well for all.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 03:45 PM
1

Yeah, it was going to be endless, so I mathed it out and offered a lower amount now. We also did a college cost split agreement for the kids at the same time. All done post divorce. Got a lawyer to write it up and filed it with the county.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 04:44 AM
7

Wasn’t going to comment but you’re getting the bad side of the subreddit. I’m in CA, divorced 3 years ago, used mediation, got 50/50, equal split of assets, straight up dissomaster for support. I make more, but bought out my spousal support post divorce and child support is small. So good things can happen. My ex has BPD, and it was about half the contributing factors to my divorce. DM me if you need practical CA divorce advice.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 03:24 AM
1

That doesn’t matter. She did mediation and came to an agreement that you both worked towards and now she is no longer operating in good faith. If it wasn’t horribly unbalanced (and I’m assuming the mediator wouldnt have put anything together like that) then her backing out will bias the judge against her.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/21 06:30 PM
1

You have the agreement you had both agreed to? Take it to court. Judges don’t take kindly to people that do what she is doing. Judge is likely to accept the agreement or make it better for you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/21 03:47 PM
2

In most countries, yes. LOL My life is not your life.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/21 01:03 AM
2

Just lock your credit and you should be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/21 04:02 PM
3

Sounds like you have a good perspective. You’re going to do fine. Biggest issues are debt. If the rent not a ton of debt you can do a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/21 01:50 AM
3

You’re going to get both answers. The right answer depends entirely on what you’re going to do in the next 10 years.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/21 11:53 PM
5

My fiancée and I are on that page. Both divorced. No plans to actually get married. May change in time but we both would go for a pre-nup.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/21 05:27 PM
3

That is super shitty. I’m in CA and have 50/50. It’s not uncommon.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/21 03:00 AM
1

To add: divorced in CA and things were split 50/50. No need to be hyperbolic about it because you had a shit experience. It’s those shitty attitudes that make you likely to end up with shitty people. Just saying. I try to be supportive with all the guys on here but I’d imagine that at least 50% of the poster are… likely not good people. Everyone gets help regardless, but when someone asks for specific help it’s not a good time to bitch and moan.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/21 12:53 AM
1

In my divorce in CA I divided my ssars’s and rsu’s. You can determine the percent of each grant that your ex will get based on vesting dates, etc. For vested options that have value and can be cashed out you can give her cash equivalent to the value minus YOUR withholding as it has to be charged to you. For unvested in a non-public company you can also determine what % she would own. But they may never be worth anything. I may have an excel spreadsheet if you want a copy that can help with that.…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/21 12:40 AM
4

Super unhelpful.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/21 12:35 AM
-2

Are you from that sub? If not you can fuck right off. Really.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/21 02:06 PM
11

Jesus. Anyway, that’s a real reason my dude and it has its own sub r/deadbedrooms. It’s sad as hell and filled with pain. That’s where I came from and that’s what I did. It was of course not the only issue. But you only live one life, if it’s killing you and she won’t help then it’s not unreasonable to leave. It will hurt, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. I found someone new. She is amazing and makes me so happy.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/21 04:34 AM
6

The advice saying you should leave is not wrong, but this is also the correct answer: she has an addiction and that is a real and serious mental health problem. She needs a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist and years of therapy. This is a serious thing, not something she can “try harder” and overcome. This is an appropriate and tough love ultimatum: either she starts therapy and gets a psychiatrist immediately and fully engages in that work or it’s divorce. Give her 2 weeks. Unless you are f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/21 05:35 AM
1

25% of his income? In CA support depends entire on income difference and custody split. It’s not X% of income.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/21 04:55 AM
1

Divorced in 2018 in CA here. Assets don’t decide support. Only income. It would be his income vs her income and % custody. So if they have 50/50 it only comes down to income. All assets are divided equally. The kicker is spousal support. For marriages over 10 years there is no end, but it’s also based on income. I’m child support continues until the kids are 18. You can possibly negotiate and end to spousal support or do a buyout. What are the differences in income? How long has their marriage b…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/21 04:01 AM
2

Hold up there. Child support would certainly end when your kids turn 18. Depending on your location, spousal support may NEVER end, until retirement or longer. Do you have a lawyer? Figure out what both child support and spousal support would actually be. I hear your emotions but don’t short change yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/21 10:55 PM
4

Is a lifetime of unhappiness worth… anything? Get a divorce. Things will absolutely get worse. No one is happy all the time, but there is no sense in blocking yourself from from future opportunities to be happy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/21 10:49 PM
1

You might want to look into TB a bit more. You’re not incorrect but it’s neither a simple infection or easily treatable.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/21 03:32 PM
1

Yes, if appropriate I’m sure they can. Do you think they allow doctors/nurses with Covid to treat immunocompromised patients (or any patients)? Do you think white supremacists are allowed to work for the naacp? But your issue is about the Covid vaccine, not diseases. The number of jobs that require vaccines is massive. If you’re working in a metal shop in Tulsa (great job btw) you likely won’t need a yellow fever vaccination. But many healthcare professionals might need it and many other vaccina…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/21 02:36 PM
3

Make sure that all valuations have been set and are agreed on. If you can’t agree on value then there is no point in meeting.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 04:39 PM
3

Ok. Done. I’ve seen interesting guys in this forum. Lots of pain, and men not thinking clearly. I’ve been there, but all our stories are different. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so intent on ignoring good advice. I hope things get better for you. But I’m going to quit wasting my time.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 04:11 PM
1

Vacation is great, seems like you need the time that going on disability provides though. You are not taking care of yourself. Would you see a OB/GYN for heart surgery? No. A regular doctor is not a replacement for a psychiatrist. Likewise therapy and possibly medication will help with the mental issues that are presenting as anxiety and lack of sleep. But unless you work with a therapist on the issues causing the anxiety the anxiety will not go away. This is basic stuff man, I’m not sure why yo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 03:55 PM
2

You are being an asshole. Not recognizing this is part of your problem. You are being belligerent and defensive. Get a psychiatrist and a therapist. They are different things. Please do this.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 03:29 PM
2

OP, control your emotions. If you are acting like this irl then you need a psychologist and meds. You are getting angry with people that are trying to help you. What state are you in? Did you ex have permission from the courts to take the kids across state lines? Consider a new attorney. You need serious therapy. Quitting your job is not a solution. Hiding assets is a huge mistake. You will fuck yourself and it will be your fault. There will be a paper trail on all those assets. The court will s…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 02:39 PM
10

It is 100% her fault. You’re saying that people should keep their jobs without following the rules of their employer. Do you know how crazy that sounds?
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/21 04:55 PM
1

Good! That’s a great first step. It takes many sessions to work through stuff, and that’s if you fully engage. You’ve got this. Put in the work and you’ll get to a better mental space.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 11:39 PM
1

See if you can leverage her $40k/month bullshit into estimated potential income for her for support purposes. Start getting email/text proof that she is pushing that she can make this much. You won’t get that imputed income, but maybe you’ll get a fraction of that and it will help tremendously. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 05:29 PM
4

When you’ve aired your concerns appropriately more than once and they show that they don’t care, won’t change, etc. At that point you’re the only one on your team and choices have to be made.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:34 PM
4

Dumb question: If you’re in the divorce process why would it matter? I’ll add: during our divorce my ex absolutely felt she had the right to know where I was and what I was doing when I WASN’T with the kids. My own private time. Don’t be that person, even though you are hurting.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 03:53 AM
16

Don’t GIVE her anything. DON’T GIVE SHIT AWAY!! First: figure out what you’d be on the hook for with alimony. Until you know, you don’t know. And dont just use numbers that her lawyer gives you. Second: figure out her likely income for the next 20 years and yours. Be realistic. These numbers can change your alimony amount. Third: use these numbers to make an alimony buyout offer. Your offer will be less than the total amount she might get from you over those 20 years because she will get it all …
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 10:55 PM
3

This and other advice below are surprisingly good. Please get a therapist now and fully participate. One thing to add: 50/50 is good for everyone usually unless one parent is a POS. You will want to date and find someone else at some point. Full custody makes this very difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 07:11 PM
2

You don’t know what’s up. You need a therapist, very badly. Please get one. You’re headed to a really horrible mental space. Get the help you need.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/21 03:39 PM
2

Think about it carefully. There is opportunity here. She wants a concession from you. What do you want? She needs to hear that your work schedule is more important than her social schedule. What does your son say? If he’s old enough then his opinion should matter. While she doesn’t need your approval to move on with her life, keeping you in the loop is respectful, especially if it effects your son which you both share. His issues don’t stop when he swaps houses and if they are coming from her ho…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 09:48 PM
1

Change all your locks. Don’t give her a key.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 06:59 PM
10

My ex, with BPD, got better after she found a boyfriend. My life is 100% better now. BPD is still there, but I rarely see it currently.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 04:44 AM
5

You’ve burned 20 years being unhappy. Give yourself a chance to be happy. If you’re separated you should try dating. Not to find a new partner, but to see if you can date and re-learn how to do this. Separation exists for this and other reasons. Don’t sit on your ass, get a therapist, sort out your emotions, and see what getting divorced will actually mean to you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 09:24 PM
1

It’s really hard. I cheated, not proud of it. Doing so taught me that BPD is it’s own thing and other women are not that way. This is no surprise, but when you deal with BPD partner it feels like you will never be treated in a loving respectful way, ever. It’s a lot of work to leave all that behind in a new relationship, but it’s possible. I’m not a blamey person. But I blame my gray hair on my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/21 01:24 AM
8

A divorce of BPD ex here. I’m in the Bay Area. The court can impute income to her based on her training, education, and previous work experience. CA is a no fault 50/50 state and at least in my case support is reasonable. That said, it’s not always that case. Support for the kids goes until they turn 18. Spousal support will never end unless you negotiate it or a judge rules in your favor. That’s your biggest issue here. All support is calculated using the Dissomaster software in CA. Get rid of …
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/21 06:24 PM
2

Depending on location even having that recording would be illegal unless they were in a place where no one would expect to have any privacy. Careful there boss.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/21 03:52 PM
3

I got divorced in CA but am from Seattle. WA is a no fault state, so it won’t matter. Frankly, if their AP is applying pressure on them you can use that to your advantage. So use their need to be rushed for your own benefit WITH YOUR LAWYER. Mediation is also a great way to go, but it sounds like your STBX would t go for it. The mediator’s job is to make things as fair for both of you as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 09:07 PM
2

Try to remain emotionally detached from the process. It's a strictly business transaction and you need to see it that way. Get a therapist and/or join a divorce group to work through the things you are going through. Where are you located?
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 08:51 PM
3

I'd actually let her know when you get a lawyer. A couple things may happen. A) she will get really hostile because she will realize she is losing control and won't get the unfair outcome she wants. She may abuse you, etc. If this happens DOCUMENT IT. It will matter. B) she may come back with a new, better, settlement offer. You'll need to work YOUR LAWYER and can expect a few rounds of offers and counter offers regarding the settlement. Aim for 50:50 asset split unless there are special circums…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 08:50 PM
3

It's already hostile, she is trying to manipulate you. Don't cajole, get some legal muscle and make sure you're not being financially fucked.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 08:47 PM
3

AP is adulterous partner, i.e. someone they were cheating with. If infidelity is part of the divorce it may also matter, depending on your location. Most locations it won't matter, i.e. in a no fault state or country. An AP may give their cheating partner an ultimatum such as: "If you don't show me proof you are leaving your husband/wife I will leave you." That kind of thing. Showing them the divorce petition would be that kind of proof. It really sounds like you don't have a lawyer and that you…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 08:41 PM
5

The petition just gets the process started and should just have rough assets. That should be okay to sign. Unless the settlement has been looked over by YOUR LAWYER there is no way you should sign. She is trying to do an end run and massively manipulate you. Never sign a settlement before the petition. It’s the cart before the horse. You need to look out for you. Whatever she says she needs it for can wait. Maybe she has an AP that wants to see it? Who knows, doesn’t matter.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/21 08:26 PM
2

If that’s what you want it’s not shitty, right.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 08:40 PM
1

Good for you my dude! I divorced my BPD (borderline) wife in 2018. So much less stress! I was also doing everything around the house, finances, etc. So there was little change after she moved out other than peace and order. Also did mediation. She spent half the time talking about me and complaining, but we eventually finished. Don’t drag it out, shit can happen and upend all that work: you can’t trust a BPD person to not flip out. My boys are 14 and 16. DM me if you’d like to trade some BPD nig…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 07:32 PM
-3

Sounds like a shitty way to have a relationship. But everyone has their own idea of a good one.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 06:36 PM
2

Some relationships >5 years could be considered common law marriages…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 05:35 PM
2

Yes, this comment. Lots of pain which often equals really bad advice. Don’t make decisions based on emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 06:01 PM
1

Sounds reasonable
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 12:55 PM
0

I fail to see how your ex’s kinks would be effecting your kids. That’s pretty low.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 12:43 PM
1

You are not OP and you’re acting like you’re 8 years old. Both OP and their ex have enough funds to RETIRE. I don’t know outside the US but I’ve yet to see a state that requires a paying spouse to keep working IN RETIREMENT to continue paying support to a spouse. After RETIREMENT starts support often ends. Also, as the paying spouse if OP has a reduction in income due to health reasons it seems unlikely that ex can impute higher income, among other reasons. PS: Hey 25_years, you come off as piss…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 12:36 PM
1

Cool man. Keep paying your ex…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 06:00 AM
2

Leave the DVD player on the porch for her to pick up. Then you can avoid the drama. You really need to decide what you want. If you want it over dont see her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 07:19 PM
2

Please post an update. I’m interested in seeing how it turns out. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 05:24 PM
2

There is no negotiation, you have a divorce decree. What state? In CA we have a program that sets support and that’s it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 03:14 PM
4

You have zero responsibility to keep working so that your ex can collect support. You can retire at any time and then support will change and/or end. How old are you? What does your agreement say?
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 02:43 PM
3

The appraisal is a legal document and unless it’s out of date can’t be refuted. Without an appraisal, especially in this market, there’s no way to know who might be getting screwed by over/underestimating the home value.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/21 04:28 AM
6

The only legal way (pending location specifics) is an appraisal.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/21 01:14 AM
6

Knowledge is power. You can decide who gets the power. Get a therapist and do that hard work, it will help. You can do this, you have the strength.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 07:36 PM
4

I did fine. The reason is information. You must know all your divorce info and how to use it. All your finances, every line item, all of it. Then emotionally disengage from the $.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 07:11 PM
3

Depending on your state, she is likely correct. Taking this out of those funds amounts to the same thing I suggested. Never play all your cards: if they need/want something you are already planning to or willing to give make it seem like a large concession. Later on it may help you to negotiate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 09:08 PM
3

You are essentially giving her a loan, this is fine AND compassionate. But make sure it gets repaid in the settlement, the it won’t hang over her head and cause stress later on. There are many ways to be compassionate with money without just giving it away.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 08:58 PM
5

Are they not working? If they need funds go ahead, but stipulate that it comes out of her half of the settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 08:20 PM
1

We used a mediator and saved a shit ton of money. Overall settlement was even, 50/50 custody. You will both want a lawyer to review the mediation agreement but it won’t cost much vs. using lawyers to fuck each other. If your stbx is willing, go for it. You will save a ton of money and stress.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 07:31 PM
1

You must be having a shitty time my dude, but you are very wrong. I hope things get better for you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 04:18 AM
2

Indeed. I’m doing well now. I found someone amazing that is nothing like my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/21 07:06 PM
3

Life is worth it. My ex has BPD. She would rage at me for hours. I remember being so exhausted after hours of arguing that I couldn’t stop myself from falling asleep but I was afraid of falling asleep due to how she’d rip into me for falling asleep. Fucked up. You did well to get away.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/21 06:18 PM
5

Divorced in CA here, final in 2018, 17 years. Find a mediator and work with them. They will help you iron out a fair agreement. You’ll both want lawyers to review the agreement but it won’t be expensive vs. using lawyers to fuck each other over.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/21 12:36 PM
4

This is a good answer. Do you want her to have them for Christmas? Maybe you’d like to swap kid time with her? Before just saying no see if there is anything you need.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 04:20 PM
1

She and you only have to share things from the duration of your marriage. Anything you had before is yours. Find all your account statements from before and during your marriage, you’ll need all of that.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 01:33 PM
-1

Red pill is shit. FFS get this off Reddit.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 04:09 AM
2

That sucks man, both for you and the kids. Why don’t you go for 100% custody? Being around that shit is not good for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 09:46 PM
3

Hahaha, I think of my brother-in-law that way. My ex felt like she came out short with the divorce, and she may have a bit. Doesn’t hurt to give her a free win at no cost. I try to do this as often as possible. If you can give your ex free wins at no cost do it. They don’t need to know their win was nothing to you. Regardless of your situation, this only helps you out.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 03:40 AM
3

Nah, she spends it on the kids and is generally a good mother. No need to stir the pot, just something I’ve wondered. Actually had her lawyer write it up, it was very short and expressly indicated unless I failed to pay each milestone she had no recourse. Half the addendum was also a college expense sharing agreement, which helps the kids and we both wanted to do. I figure the buyout will end up being what she uses to pay out her share of their college expenses so I’m really just paying for thei…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 03:28 AM
2

What state did you practice in? Curious if your knowledge would be relevant to CA? I came out of my divorce pretty well, used a mediator and things were basically 50/50. We share income information (it’s in the decree) and I run new numbers every year for child support, this always benefits her but I’m still paying very little. What would the consequences be if I just paid what was listed in the divorce decree? I’m assuming she’d need to file a bunch of things and then the court would make the n…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 03:06 AM
5

Sorry for your pain my dude but there is too much toxic shit in this post.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/21 08:39 PM
2

This comment. It’s likely she has rights to half of everything purchased in any way during your marriage. If you have records of what you brought into the marriage you may be able to designate that as your separate property though. If the funds to buy the house were yours prior to marriage you may be able to carve off that percentage of the house as your separate property/equity. Get a lawyer. Many things depend on the rules in your state.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 05:43 PM
1

Yes, I ended up finding someone amazing in the disgusting dumpster fire that is Tinder. 100% luck. Other apps had better profiles though. My friends use Hinge and Bumble and seem to do well. It pays to have good profile pics and a solid profile. Also, your locale matters
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 01:13 AM
3

If I don't agree to everything my ex wants to do it's not co-parenting to her. She is constantly complaining about it so now it's parallel parenting for the win.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/21 03:32 PM
2

Woman are no more perfect than anyone else. Find the flaws you can accept, see if they will work on the others, but do the same in return. Communicate. See what their mother looks like. That will be her in X years. Prenup. If that’s a killer then ask why. Split things evenly, whatever that looks like. If they rely on you too much you may end up resenting it. Try to find someone who’s strengths match your weaknesses, corny, but still good. Make sure the sexual chemistry is good, and reasonably eq…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 04:04 AM
1

Ah, never said we were getting married. She and I are on the same page. We both want a full prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/21 02:08 AM
1

It’s going to be dependent on the laws in your area. Revisions are entirely dependent on you, your agreement, and your locale. My ex and I do it every year after both of us get our raises. Where are you?
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 05:42 PM
1

So if she is paying and it’s rarely used and it only costs you time… Hey, my time is valuable too, but sounds like it’s almost zero time. Seems like a very tiny issue.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 03:17 AM
1

Thanks man. My ex sent me over 120 texts in 24 hours. She can fucking eat dirt.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/21 02:39 AM
9

You are giving her free rent in your head. This may be fun but you’ve got to stop.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/21 01:53 PM
3

Sure, but many people do not understand what a progressive tax system is and make bad choices because of it. Best to make sure.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/21 12:27 AM
2

Please make sure you understand how the progressive tax system works!
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 07:07 PM
3

File. Go to court. Let the judge decide. Document everything. Tell her you’re doing this. When she starts getting served papers she may start to feel differently. Take full control of the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/21 11:59 PM
3

We are all divorced and is specifically a divorced men’s group. Everyone has different experience and is at different stages. So we share the shit we are going through, our divorce experiences, offer advice, dating successes and fails, etc. Really solid group of stand up guys and no BS. I’m not sure we could do the level of sharing we have in a mixed group. Religion is not part of it or anything else. The core group is now a solid set of tight friends. It’s hard making friends as an adult, I’m h…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:55 PM
3

Yeah, Bay Area. There weren’t any men’s only support groups near me so I started a Meetup. Didn’t meet during the pandemic, but met before. Other groups were men and women and I wasn’t interested in a meat market.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:18 PM
1

Cool stats. Where’d you get them? I initiated my divorce. Maybe men are more complacent? However, those stats are about right for my group.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:13 PM
3

I built and run a men’s support group…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:12 PM
1

This. What state?
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:26 AM
3

Compassion and patience. Maybe setting up some fun things to do so he isn’t responsible for details. Be encouraging. Those all help.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 11:40 PM
1

One party could load up on debt and say “see, I can’t pay” that’s why. That said, most judges don’t want to make you homeless so it’s a YMMV situation.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 10:49 PM
7

For a serious reply: I’m in CA also and can help you sort out the support issues if you need help. It’s all done with a software package called Dissomaster. Your mediator should have it and can start giving you numbers. Bills don’t matter for support except things like healthcare. Only income matters. I’m in the Bay Area. DM me for additional help.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 01:44 AM
2

Sorry mate, it’s been a hard day. Couldn’t resist a bit o fun.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 01:40 AM
2

Me too my friend. Me too.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/21 01:37 AM
2

Everyone feels entitled about something. Obviously this goes both ways which is why is stupid to comment on or bring up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 08:43 PM
5

I’m in CA. All support is calculated using Dissomaster software. Period. Everything else is 50:50. Very simple. Marriage > 10 years, support doesn’t end, so you’ll need to negotiate that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/21 01:48 PM
12

Please find a therapist to sort out your feelings. Not trying to dissuade you, but you’ve got to reduce the emotional overhead.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 03:33 PM
1

What a present. Save and copy all the blackmail messages. Check with your attorney first but then go to the cops and file a report. That kinda shit is felony type illegal. You just won your divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 04:29 PM
1

Just the part where all of it is bullshit. All of the redpill ideology is bullshit. All of it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 04:05 PM
2

Thanks. It’s good to pass on the things that work and don’t. It’s a really difficult thing to do. Everything is going to be okay.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 12:05 AM
2

More great questions! You can file without her, it's totally separate from the mediation process and does not require a mediator or lawyer. You can fill out the paperwork yourself and file it with the court. If it's not a crazy high conflict situation then try to let her know ahead of time that you'll be filing. On a high level it sounds like our situations are somewhat similar. I filed, but told her it was coming. It was still a hard hit to her emotions when she received the notice in the mail …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 09:14 PM
2

Great questions. You’ll still need a lawyer to look over the final agreement and to consult in between. The mediator makes sure that nobody (or everybody) get screwed. You can start the process together with the mediator. She will need a consulting lawyer also for the same reasons. You can file together with the mediator or do it yourselves. Whatever works best. If you do it together or let the other person know it can reduce the personal/emotional impact. It’s best to leave the emotions at the …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 03:54 PM
1

Just frame it, rightfully, that mediation ends up giving both of you more money. A good mediator explains the law in your area and works to find a fair deal for both of you. You can do any you want also, if you both agree.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 03:16 PM
2

Yeah, try for mediation. You’ll get a fair result and spend thousands less.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/21 09:53 PM
2

Cool man. Glad that’s working for you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 02:49 PM
1

Yeah. Been there, led a shit ton of Bible studies in my time. Elder, etc. No longer a believer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 02:28 AM
1

Ah, I read some of them well before getting married. Ultimately I feel church oriented solutions fail to address the actual problems by using a veneer of Jesus on things. This just makes things worse. There are some good take aways though even if you aren’t a believer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 02:19 AM
1

Indeed everything and nothing can cause depression. I’m all for marriage, but there can be a lot of pain on either or both sides caused by the other. I read and lived all those books and it was an absolute waste of my life. I’m assuming the opposite is true of you, but I don’t know you. It’s good to get a range of opinions, we only have our own lives to gauge things with.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 01:35 AM
3

This entire post makes the assumption that you are the problem, which is a horrible assumption. Also seems quite over the top with unnecessary hoops to jump through. You haven’t provided any details of the pain you are experiencing. One does not usually achieve depression because you’re happy. If the reasons are real and nothing is going to change then divorce. But definitely continue talking with your therapist. No one is perfect, that doesn’t mean you need to accept the pain someone else is ca…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 01:54 PM
2

This is dangerously close to some red pill bullshit.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 01:48 PM
2

DM me. I started in deadbedrooms, I get that pain. I got divorced: it was hard, it hurt, but I do not regret it. I’ve found someone amazing that I love. If you divorce you’ll split everything 50/50. I can give you a detailed walk through. I’m in the Bay Area, if you’re local please reach out. If you can retire after the divorce and asset split by moving then insider it. That’s a lot of changes. Also spousal support is real and in many places it doesn’t end for long term marriages unless you nego…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 05:37 PM
1

It’s their money, not your dad’s money.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/21 01:00 AM
5

Been there my friend. Don’t do it just got you, do it for your kids. They see her behavior, they see you accept it, so they think it’s ok. Stand up for you and for them. She will treat them the same as you if she isn’t already. Do you want that? Time to go. You will be fine, so will they. You will have to revise your life, but you can do that. In a couple years you’ll achieve a new normal and will be better for it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 06:28 PM
2

50% of all that is yours my friend. No need to despair. Doesn’t matter who’s name is on anything. Unless you had an aggressive prenup you’ll be fine. Taking that first step is the hardest. Go talk to some attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 11:14 PM
1

I posted in that forum. Not hate, but understanding and compassion. Many there needed to hear that. They aren’t happy with their BPD, it’s a source of shame and depression for them. Doesn’t make it any easier on those around them and most of them understand that. Glad you got out. Therapy for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 05:01 PM
1

My ex has BPD, never treated and she denies it, but it’s all there plain as day. That shit cannot be fixed. There is no shame in leaving that shit. No one should be treated like someone with BPD treats others. They can’t even control it, it can’t be medicated, it just sucks. She has a boyfriend now and I’m so happy. The shit I have to deal with went waaaaay down. He seems like a nice guy, I wish them well and hope they stay together.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/21 04:24 PM
1

Yes. I am a kick ass dad and love my kids, but the 20 years of dealing with my ex’s BPD and other shit is not worth it. I hated so much of my time with her and became a horrible angry person for years because of her shit. I’d really prefer personal growth by any other method.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/21 03:55 PM
3

I got divorced and some of the issues were lack of sex (total dead bedroom) and her anger issues. I made the right choice. You are making the right choice. You’ll need a therapist, go get one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/21 04:28 PM
1

Hey guys, I don’t think this guy is real. Smelling very catfish-y.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 05:46 AM
2

I feel that man. Don’t fall for the lie that getting a lawyer makes you an asshole. Sounds like you are realizing that. You can be fair and kind in many ways throughout the process, including the final settlement. That doesn’t mean you should acquiesce to all her demands. Some will be easy to say yes to. Save those for negotiating tools, doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Just don’t play all your cards. You’ll need them.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 01:24 AM
3

Was going to say the same.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 01:20 AM
5

No, you didn’t steal shit, unless you were cheating for the whole 7 years. You loved and may still love her. You didn’t know you were going to or plan to cheat. You made a mistake that may end your relationship but that doesn’t mean you stole her life. You’re going to crash if you don’t pump those brakes a bit. You can feel guilt and regret without hating yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 01:20 AM
2

Some great comments. Here are mine: 1. Stop all divorce proceedings. Don’t sign anything or move out. 2. Get a therapist. Start therapy. 3. Get a mediator. They “should” provide a fair settlement. Start at 50:50. This will save BOTH of you money. Use this as a talking point with your ex: she will get more by using a mediator. 4. Everything is just a number, except the dog. Don’t be emotionally attached to things. You are not giving or taking anything, the stuff belonged to both of you. Put fair …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 01:14 AM
1

Keep those boundaries up! No emotional talk. Unless there are kids, talk should only be about the business of your divorce. Any boundaries lower than that will only hurt both of you. State it plainly, but with compassion: for both of our sakes let’s only talk about the business of the divorce and nothing else.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/21 06:52 PM
5

This is the best answer. Every decree will be different, but it is pretty common while support is being paid. This prevents cheating, lying, etc. on EITHER side’s part. If there’s no deception then it’s not a big deal. Intrusive? Yes. But it won’t last forever.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 04:52 PM
5

It’s separate property. You’re good.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 04:23 AM
11

She knows you’re serious and is trying to change your mind. Happens in 1/2 the cases I’m sure. Watch out for hysterical bonding. Could be coming your way next. Things aren’t really going to change. Stay the course.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/21 06:54 PM
2

They do not necessarily need to be removed from the mortgage. But definitely removed from the title.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 08:13 PM
1

No. It can hurt you depending on location and how you divorce. It can also not matter at all, depending on location. I kicked my ex out, though if she didn’t leave I was going to. We used mediation, so it didn’t matter. Also, am in CA and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. I don’t know about the other 49 states though.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/21 05:22 AM
5

It can be as long as you aren’t experiencing: new baby, nursing mother, you’re an asshole, medical issues, etc. Be real about it. Assuming none of these apply, then yes. Divorce sucks. You will hurt. But the other side can be amazing, if you do the work. DM me for more. I did this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/21 05:54 AM
1

No, this isn’t fully correct. Divorce decree clearly shows who owns what. My ex didn’t have to sign anything when I did a refi 2 years after the divorce. But again, could vary based on locale. Same with any missed payments, though I’m sure there would be a hassle. Everything is in the divorce decree.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/21 12:02 AM
1

Maybe different in my state but you do not need to get off the loan or vv. Yes, change the title but I didn’t need to have her removed from the loan. Any type of credit or loan app will want the divorce decree anyway, which shows clearly who owes what.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/21 03:20 AM
2

50/50 here. We did mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 03:22 PM
5

Sorry man, sounds tough. Glad you are coming out the other side. Time will heal.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 03:36 PM
2

That sounds rather nice. Use chill time to recharge and let go.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 12:03 AM
2

Yes. That should be feasible and is fair. If she is otherwise employed and no other conflicting factors.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/21 03:54 AM
-1

Glad you’re working through this with your therapist. Yes, that’s what I got out of it because I’m going to see it through the lenses of my own life, just like everyone else does. I hope you find someone new and fantastic in time and that you don’t repeat the same problems with your new partner. I knew it would be a popular opinion. Divorce forums work better when we say the truth and don’t just pat each other on the back.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 04:39 PM
-3

Hold up dude. The root cause may be you. My fiancé is like this I hate to say. Totally ignores me when I’m not physically there unless she needs something from me. Has been doing a shit job when I am there. It hurts. If you’re doing this to your wife then maybe you need to take some responsibility. Seriously. Edit: LOL guys. Knew this wouldn’t be a popular opinion. I think the down votes are worth the honest opinion. <shrug> If all y’all want are pats on the back you’ll never improve your lives.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 02:11 PM
2

This is normal and it happens on both sides. Things get a lot easier. I had an IRS check issue also, where someone stole the check from my mailbox. Took 4-5 months to get a new check. You’ll get past all this and things will slowly become less stressful. You’ll get there.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/21 05:09 PM
4

See red pill garbage on here a lot. See how you’re viewed if you go this stupid road.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/21 01:22 PM
2

Maybe she has borderline personality disorder? My ex has this. No control over her anger. Stayed 17 years. Should have never gotten married to her. Get another psychiatrist opinion. Nothing can be done with borderline. Meds do not change the condition. It will get worse, and better, and cycle between, never going away. It is not controllable. She can’t control it. It’s not worth it. The pain you will endure will change the person you are in horrible ways. If you like who you are don’t wait until…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/21 04:46 PM
1

Some good and bad comments here. Why did you cheat? There are many reasons. What did it mean to you? There’s got to be more going on. The less we know the worse the advice will be. So I also checked your history. I’d suggest seeing a therapist and sorting out the reasons why you’re doing all this. It won’t help to feed your therapist bullshit. If you want out, just ask for a divorce and get it over with. But as others have said, if you don’t figure out the why you’re just going to do it all over…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/21 05:46 AM
1

Click those 3 little dots on top and report this.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/20 08:04 PM
1

Yeah, the person you fell in love with was who she was when she was on her meds. She needs to realize that and what changing means to you. Why did she stop with the meds? There are other meds and therapies depending on why they were prescribed. A psychologist can work with her to try new things.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/20 02:30 AM
2

This is fixable and may be worth it. The primary problem is her going off her meds AND not talking with you about it. If anyone is taking meds necessary for their health (which includes mental health!) they should always let their partner know the reason why or consult them. Always. This should be discussed. The reason why she did this should be discussed with her therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/20 02:23 AM
1

This is clearly false. Doesn’t matter what generation, there are always people the want easy answers, want to put the blame on others, and feel entitled to anything they feel they should have. No work, no sweat, no effort. That’s why in some cases there is no balance with free speech. Red pill is hate and hate like this should not get equal time or any platform. It is not protected speech.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/20 04:36 AM
9

I second this. No one needs that toxicity. People looking for answers often believe the wrong ones. Please don’t give this shit a platform. Ban red pill posts.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/20 09:30 PM
4

Won’t deny you have some good thoughts here. I think there are problems with how some of these core issues can be pushed too far and the idea that the only logical conclusion IS to push these things too far. Men are almost always the power group. So there’s not a lot of sympathy when things get fucked up for us. But we have a tendency to go overboard which is why people are super cautious about men’s rights groups and other reactionary men’s groups.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 11:52 PM
7

OP, I see you’ve dealt with a big pile of shit. I’m very sorry for your pain. This way is the wrong way. I hope you are seeing a therapist. Get your head right, there are many wonderful women out there, but they will pass on anyone with this as part of their identity. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 08:31 PM
3

Well played. I can only image these poor guys have been treated like dirt by some woman or their mother and need some kind of outlet to deal with their feels. However they miss the target completely and turn into assholes. That’ll show those women! Sigh. Facepalm.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 08:23 PM
3

I had to look up what that even means. I would make more generalizations about these guys but it doesn’t help. As a man, these guys embarrass me.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 08:20 PM
2

God, more red pill bullshit. This is stupid and appeals to stupid men with stupid ideas.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 07:38 PM
3

Well, believe and do what you want. You will get everything your choices enable. If you are happy with that then props to you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/20 06:58 PM
2

Divorce is costly to everyone but the lawyers, both men and women. I have been with someone for some years now and she was divorced just before mine. She made her worthless wouldn’t work ex a millionaire because of the ridiculous divorce rules where she lived. Divorce sucks. Prenuptial agreements are the way to go. Also: why would you pay off someone else’s bad monetary choices? Find someone amazing that isn’t in massive debt. Think with your brain and less with your dick. Results are almost gua…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/20 06:36 PM
3

All your assumptions are wrong here dude. You are getting mad because people are telling you that your unethical behavior is wrong. You know it’s wrong, you just can’t deal with that knowledge because your behavior is core to who you are and rejecting who you are is too much for you to handle. Get a therapist. Otherwise you are doomed to a shit life that by not changing you are embracing. Embrace your shit life dude, but don’t bitch about it later. Especially when so many kind internet strangers…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/20 05:22 PM
5

Dude, your head needs help. I’m going to tell it straight. The whole red pill thing is like Trump logic. You just set up the world to justify your own shitty behavior, regardless of how things really are. You are fucked up. Work: fucking an employee you supervise is totally unethical. I don’t care if she wanted it. You’ve flipped everything around in your head to make this okay. I said this to another red pill fool: if you are having repeated problems with women, then YOU are the problem. You ar…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/20 05:00 PM
2

Any reasons are going to be specific to your relationship and kids involved, what he has going on, his goals, and a few other things. Without knowing your situation in and out all the speculation you’d get here is a bunch of guesses.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/20 03:53 AM
1

Yes.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/20 08:13 AM
1

Well, should have dear with this earlier. Most family courts would count this as actual income as its consistent and monthly.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/20 09:46 PM
2

No disagreement here.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/20 02:58 PM
10

Spot on my dude. Unfortunately a lot of the men in this sub seem very young and possibly not well educated. I’d make other assumptions but you know. So they are left with things they read or other people tell them. Many seem to lack emotional intelligence or the ability to look introspectively at themselves. So they are left with a) blame women or b) blame anyone else. Often couched in “fact” so it’s not really blame, no never that. There are also a lot of good dudes here too. But yeah, pain mak…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/20 12:57 AM
9

And this is why your problems will continue. Best of luck and I hope you will end up with someone amazing. Life Pro Tip: Don’t turn away people with buckets of water when your shit is on fire.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/20 11:06 PM
11

I’m sorry for your pain my dude. However this is basically bullshit, by which I mean it IS bullshit. Are you listening to the red pill garbage? Women are as varied as men. So if you keep getting hooked up to women that are cheating on you you need to reevaluate what you are looking for or attracted to in women. It’s either a) you: something you are or are not doing that helps to enable this and/or b) the women YOU pick are already predisposed to cheating. You are attracted to some quality that h…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/20 10:56 PM
2

You need to talk to your lawyer. But it seems you are trying to apply criminal terminology and statues to a family law case. This will not work as criminal laws aren’t being used in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/20 07:24 PM
13

I met someone as I was going through the divorce process 3 years ago. We met via the dumpster fire that is Tinder. She is amazing and we are still together. I was about 43 when I started looking and age may make a difference. Dating apps can be fantastic or horrible and there's a lot of in between there. #1 thing is to don't bring your baggage on dates and be confident in who you are. Be honest and open. Do not, under any circumstances, try to be something you are not. Start out with the goal of…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/20 05:40 PM
4

So if that’s true, she is a shitty person possibly but in that 5 second sound bite you really know nothing about her. Don’t buy into the hate and also become a shitty person. I divorced and found someone amazing. This too can happen to you. The only thing she needs from me is me. Not anything else. If I was full of hate and jadedness I’m 100% sure she would have passed on me and kept looking though.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/20 09:47 PM
1

OMG. Dear child, I left HER. May you get everything you have coming to you. 😂 Edit: Do you even have any identity outside the red pill OMG I wanna be an ALPHA movement? Sorry dude, I hope life tosses you some soft pitches and you can do better. Don’t be your pain man. Keep moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 10:14 PM
1

Lol dude. Your only response is to shit talk? Better work on that confidence. Sadly my ex can’t find anyone and I wouldn’t wish someone like you on her, or anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 10:02 PM
1

If she doesn’t want to be drunk around you perhaps she has other things to hide and is afraid she will talk too freely. Consider.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 08:32 PM
1

Whatever red pill dude. These red pill guys aren’t even men. They are whiny children that don’t even want to think for themselves. If either of my teen boys ever start spouting this shit there will be issues.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 08:04 PM
1

Just because someone has been divorced doesn’t mean they understand the process. How long have you been with your gf? I don’t know your relationship but beware of someone telling you all the things you want to hear. Divorce is fucking hard, even if you are the one that wants it. Edit: if she told you moving out of state would protect you then you REALLY need to start getting better advice. That is horrible horrible advice. DM me for better advice but I don’t know specifics for your state. What’s…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 07:08 PM
1

My ex wife has always had anger issues. That’s one of the reasons I divorced her. Don’t start a relationship with someone you know has anger or mental health issues. Won’t last. With a disabled child your ex will likely not be expected to work so you can’t count on any significant imputed income for her. You should start planning on losing half your net income. Listen to your lawyer but if they start painting an overly rosy picture you should start working on a backup plan. If your gf only loves…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 07:06 PM
1

Yes. Don’t let this also fuck up your employment dude. Then you will be hosed and your gf will leave you. I don’t know your situation my dude but you better start making better choices. Not even being judgemental, you are avoiding common sense at every turn. Do you have any good friends? If your gf is telling you these fictions about how you’re going to get away with this then she is not quality material. I usually see income scale somewhat with intelligence but you are squarely breaking that ob…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 06:57 PM
1

They can easily garnish anything. They will have all your tax records.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 06:53 PM
2

Dude, there were many ways to do these things and you picked all the wrong ways. Yes, they can garnish you anywhere. Yes, this will all look super shitty to the judge because it IS super shitty. Get your shit in order and start doing the right things now and document it. That’s your only hope for mercy from the family court judge. As things stand you have done everything to ensure you stbx does well in court.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 06:51 PM
2

Wow. So many things wrong with this. If this is where your head is at you will fail in your relationships. Not the guest, the host. Red pill? Fuck dude, that there is a guaranteed fail. Move on from that shit and grow up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/20 06:39 PM
3

You need to list your location otherwise it’s all speculation. But generally only her own drug abuse will matter. Get it all documented. Documentation is key for any allegation you have. Family history won’t matter. Cheating only matters in a few states and even then 7-years ago is likely too long ago to matter. Don’t put the kids in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/20 06:21 PM
1

Good advice in other replies. An easy dinner out or fun short activity (hard with Covid) are good scenarios.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/20 06:59 PM
3

Yeah, you’ve really got to set up a bunch of boundaries now to get through this. Do not give or receive ANY emotional support from each other. It will fuck you up. No need to be mean or an asshole, just be separate.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/20 09:16 PM
14

Hey man, it’s hard. The fact that it’s hard goes beyond who or why or how. You’ll get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/20 09:12 PM
-3

This poll is flawed. It’s not like everyone owns their home outright and usually there is a large chunk of debt that goes with the house. Sometimes a spouse just has no chance to afford the home or ability for its upkeep. It made no sense for MY ex to keep the house.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 08:31 PM
0

Sorry man, I can only speak from experience. My ex avoids all her problems but takes meds and does therapy. She hasn’t changed a bit. I know she refuses to be honest and take responsibility for her issues. Meds don’t typically work for her issues. She’s not really trying. So happy I got out.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/20 05:16 PM
1

Generally we decide if therapy works, but not always. If you won’t go over the tough stuff or face up to personal issues yeah, it won’t work. But if you do the hard things and dig deep and allow yourself to heal it will work. Be honest with yourself and get the therapy you need.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/20 05:06 PM
7

First thing: STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER. You really don’t want a child added to this easy divorce. Do not have sex. If you’re thinking “oh, that’ll feel good” think instead “Don’t put your dick in it!” Move out. Couch surf a friend. Print out the forms and file next week. You’ve obviously talked about it enough. Do it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/20 12:44 AM
5

I’m really good at this. Generally just make a full budget. Track how much you make and all your costs. If you can get a house do it. Rates are bonkers low. If you know your take home it’s easy to just go over bills and start putting things in a spreadsheet. DM me if you want a hand or template. For most houses see what kind of $ you have to determine what you can afford. A 20% down payment is best.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/20 04:28 AM
4

I have a men’s divorce group in the Bay Area. We’ve not met at all during Covid. If you’d like to talk DM me. Perspective is good.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/20 04:24 AM
3

Hell yeah!
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 12:20 AM
3

There should be a general household goods buyout. If this wasn’t done and everything is signed then your lawyer wasn’t so good. Sorry man. Edit: the best FU to give your ex is to be successful and happy. Do that. You will win.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 05:24 PM
2

Why would you want to risk that? Seems kinda stupid and petty. Get out of your head. Divorce is a long process. Just make sure it balances later. Maybe you have some pics on your phone with some of these items in them?
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 03:44 PM
11

That’s bad man. You need a shit ton of counseling and personal growth. How’s your weight? You have a number of person issues to deal with before you can handle ANY relationship. At all. The level of badness here is... impressive.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 04:13 AM
2

None of these problems were my ex’s problems. My ex has mental health and other issues but the pain he describes and how the decisions felt are almost exactly what I felt. Such feel.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 05:32 AM
4

It will be a challenge at first but you are going to be fine and the kids will be great. By leaving you are telling them the behavior of your stbx is not okay. Conversely by stay they will learn to be like her. Don’t do that to them. Once you get everything sorted you are going to feel SO good. Find a support group. Keep going to your therapist. Make time to do fun things YOU like with and without the kiddos. You will look back and be glad. Protect yourself. Set very strict boundaries and be pre…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 02:29 AM
0

Lawyer this question my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/20 07:29 PM
1

Best answer: talk to a lawyer Reality: the cheating won’t change anything in a no fault province Educate yourself: there is probably a standard way that support is set and you’ll need to work within that framework.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/20 05:44 PM
2

My bad, it’s over 10 here and I’m over 10. 😬
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/20 10:22 PM
1

I just did this! Marriage over 5 years so I was looking at never ending spousal support. We’ve been divorced almost 2 years. Took about 6 months and some back and forth. Also made an agreement about the kids college expenses. Over half the money from the buyout I’d have just given for the kids college so it was a really great deal and I paid off numerous issues she always had so win-win-win. We verbally agreed to split the lawyer fees. This did buyout all future spousal support and settled all p…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/20 09:06 PM
2

Car full of trash. Kitchen full of dirty dishes. House a mess, things broken or never fixed. Bathroom disgusting. Basically if she can’t clean up after herself or expects others to do it for her it’s a no go.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/20 02:25 PM
22

I really don’t get the “no kids = red flags”, it’s utter bullshit and totally arbitrary. There are as many red flags in that category as in any other. Real red flags: can’t handle money, horrible credit, debt that doesn’t make sense, credit card debt, abusive, needs their drug to function, it’s always someone else’s fault, anger problems, doesn’t enjoy sex, stuck on their ex, can’t make their own decisions, personal space is a mess, doesn’t take care of themselves, no compassion, their kids hate…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/20 06:57 PM
6

When my oldest asked how I can stand to be treated that way. There was a lot of other shit, but that was the last straw.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/20 05:03 AM
2

Well, if I’m dating someone my age and I’m their first they frankly wouldn’t be a whole lot of fun. If you’re in your 20s it’s a whole different story though.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/20 02:11 AM
3

Anger issues. Inability to adult on their own. Don’t like sex. Habitual dishonesty. Can’t hold a job. Everyone around them is against them. I 100% disagree with previous post about sex. Does past sexual history matter? Of course. Is having a lot of sexual partners in the past a problem? Maybe for you... I’d be more concerned if they’d never had sex or only had 1-2 partners.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/20 07:29 PM
3

My ex was the same. I went through a number of useless hoops so she could get some closure. It’s ok to tell her the real reasons, it will hurt her, but you are already hurting her so just rip the bandaid off. It may not actually give her closure, but at least you’ll have given her all the information so that later she can find it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/20 05:18 PM
5

That IS a bit creepy. People do weird shit when they are getting divorced. Set boundaries and stick to them, but do t be overly blamey with your stbxw as she is going through the shit. It’ll get worse, try to be kind but set sting emotional boundaries. It’s best for both of you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/20 07:01 PM
8

Well, put together a reasonably fair settlement and 50/50 with the kids and have her sign. Get it done and move on. Also, you CANNOT continue with that sleeping arrangement. Take the couch. If that doesn’t make sense then you need to see a counselor/therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/20 06:03 PM
2

Did the coparenting counselor thing. Make it clear that issues other than taking care of the kids will not be discussed there unless she wants to foot the whole bill. My ex tried to use co-parenting counselor and mediator as a therapist. Sucked.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 08:01 PM
2

There’s a LOT of missing information here. You need to get your head in a better place, there are better options available.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/20 01:17 AM
1

What exactly is Parental Vaccination Choice?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/20 02:38 PM
2

Well, that may be the case. I started and run a men’s only divorce group. Most of my guys are doing okay. Resilience is a real thing and is a character trait everyone needs. I’ve seen a couple guys that don’t have this and I fervently they can move forward someday.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/20 05:33 AM
6

Everyone has a different story my dude and I am so sorry for your pain. Things get a lot better. Not everyone loses all their shit. I kept the house, have the kids half the time, and have a loving sexy girlfriend. I get to show the kids what an emotionally balanced adult looks like and how to notice and forgive small things. They can be themselves without walking on eggshells. Things really get better.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/20 05:08 PM
1

Good for you. Better to sort things out yourselves.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 10:57 PM
2

First: what felony? Depending on where you live: it’s illegal to be on his insurance after the divorce. The kids insurance depends on what you both agree to or are required by the court to do. But as his ex you most likely cannot be on his medical. Why? Because you’re no longer married.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 10:37 PM
1

Ah, there was no sex going on, so I cannot even imagine that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 04:07 PM
1

Cool, also not fully correct. Your state may be different than mine (CA) though. As soon as you announce that you want a divorce things are no longer community property. If it’s not clear tell her: I want a divorce and this marks the separation of our community property. Make a note of it. From that point onward your stuff is yours alone. Likely different state by state though. You may need to file or be fully divorced, but in other states it’s only the statement of intent. A free consultation w…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/19 07:05 PM
2

My dude, you are being manipulated. File for divorce, then split up property based on that. Use a mediator if you can. I cannot express enough that you are being manipulated. Comments are spot on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/19 03:35 PM
1

This is absolutely not true. Note the balances of all accounts. Half the balance is yours. If you have direct deposit change it to a bank account that you solely own. If you move money, notify your ex you are taking half. There is nothing wrong with that. You are protecting your assets. Do freeze or cancel all joint cards.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/19 03:20 PM
1

In your situation what would help me to get through the holidays is to plan how to move forward with the divorce. Start scouting lawyers, if necessary. Start separating your finances. Learn what laws apply in your locale. Knowledge is power. Learn more than her and get out as quickly and financially intact as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/19 12:53 AM
3

It can be a tough time of year. You did the right thing. My ex also has BPD, it’s horrible. Made the mistake of talking with her to sort out holiday schedule with the kids. As expected she made me feel like shit and blamed all sorts of things on me. She loves blaming.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/19 12:59 AM
1

Cool, make sure that is super clearly spelled out before you sign.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/19 02:24 AM
1

If you have spousal support make sure there is a clear end date.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/19 02:20 AM
2

It’s not necessarily about the sex. It’s the intimacy and connection, though it CAN be about the sex. Go check out r/deadbedrooms. Some people need that connection throughout their relationship to feel connected and loved. Some move away from that need as it gets replaced by comfort and reliability. Everyone is different and it’s important to be with someone you’re compatible with. Unfortunately this is something no one talks about and it takes years to discover about yourself, let alone someone…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 12:12 AM
0

Wow, that’s a shitty attitude.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 12:08 AM
-2

These are all correct. Also if it’s feasible introduce your ex to your gf first. This out of respect for her and because this new person will be spending a lot of time around your kiddo.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/19 02:30 PM
1

That’s good. One of the mistakes I made was never talking to my two closest friends prior to asking for a divorce. I’d never really shared the bad stuff with them but they were awesome and supportive when I did finally talk to them.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/19 07:25 PM
2

Can you join a divorce support group? Where are you located? Have you talked to your closest friends? You need more support my friend, in person, with people you know and trust. I run a men’s divorce group, it’s awesome.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/19 04:49 PM
7

You are omitting things that matter like ex wife’s salary, benefits, retirement, debts, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/19 04:33 PM
1

The house is just a number on a spreadsheet. If she is otherwise given half the marital equity in the house then there’s no problem. If she can’t afford the house or won’t be able to keep up the house then she needs to realize that and make appropriate decisions. If you can’t give her her half of the marital equity in the house it may not matter as you’ll have to either a) sell the house to give her the equity or b) make some other agreement to cover this amount (future sale, retirement funds, e…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/19 06:01 PM
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