The Guilt?

toooldforthisnonsens · 2021-05-04T10:40:02+00:00

Two happy homes is better than one miserable home.

AlexFromOgish · 2021-05-04T13:29:56+00:00

The way I deal with guilt is first to admit its there and talk about it with others. Second, is to not stop there. Try to set in words *exactly* why I feel guilty. The better I can define the ingredients that go into my guilt, the more I can look at them objectively and understand why they produce that feeling. Usually I discover faulty thinking, or assumptions, or messed up biases and focussing on better data and better thinking pulls the fangs of that kind of guilt. Therapy helps. And then there is the overarching part of having been raised catholic and so imbued with a permament and amorphous general guilt. The only hard part of leaving that behind was the deep associations with my relationship with Mom and Dad. That had to be completely re-engineered and it took an awful long time and a mountain of grieving. But its possible. My Mom died in my arms and her last words to me were "I'm sorry I abandoned you". She was talking about that period in our relationship. Healing is possible. Stick with it, but do NOT try to do this alone! Glad to hear you're getting therapy.

soph_a_loaf_ · 2021-05-04T11:36:47+00:00

I went through depression for the first time in my life at 43. Probably different circumstances than yours.

Not sure how your communication is with your wife but there's nothing wrong with just being honest.

And your kids know. They know the misery behind the smile.

Do you continue to live comfortably miserable with depression or do you communicate and move forward.

That's on you. One thing is for sure......your depression isn't going to get better until you make a decision and move forward.

benbutton7 · 2021-05-04T11:42:12+00:00

There is no magic pill here, unfortunately. You will have to be ready to let yourself feel the wave of guilt. The truth is, it is already here and the good thing is you are seeking therapy. The longer you stay in the relationship, the longer you will feel guilty. The kids will be sad at first, but they will adjust. They are more adaptable than we are. If you feel that they are not going to be well adjusted, put them in therapy as well. From this point onwards, focus on action points, and as things progresses with your divorce, you will slowly emerge from the guilt. Imagine you are still in the relationship in 10 years, 20 years time, what do you see? We become what we think…

Mavik52 · 2021-05-04T14:09:26+00:00

Like any emotion, the only path to overcome it is to lean into it and pass through. You need to break it down. Grab a paper and pen. Write it out. Is it truly guilt that is preventing you from living your best life? What is the origin of the guilt? Where is it coming from? What does living your best life look like? What is stopping you from pursuing that path?

iambreathing · 2021-05-04T15:54:59+00:00

Do you think you can be a better dad if you stay married to your wife or if you live separately from your wife?

I stayed in my first marriage for much longer than I should have because of feeling guilty towards our children. I thought the pain of living through a divorce would be greater than the pain of remaining the same. In hindsight I realized that was a mistake. By doing so, it only extended the misery of living a life that was not enjoyable. This extended into everyone's life because no one was happy at home. After about 6 months of being separated, I was a much happier person and I was able to be a much better dad to my girls.

It may feel selfish from where you are now but the long term goal is far from anything of the sort. I've learned that I have to take care of my well-being first if I expect to be able to take care of any one else in my life.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-05-04T13:19:20+00:00

> How do you deal with the guilt?

I divorced my wife three years ago. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Change your mental model of women. The feminine mystique which leads you to believe women are life's great unsolvable puzzle is a lie. Men too often seem happy to go along with the narrative, "Gee I don't know what i did wrong but i guess i better apologize." Women are not complicated, and this is not a complicated situation. The only complications are those we men have intentionally created to try to obfuscate, excuse and rationalize women's very obvious deep seated flaws to maintain our inappropriate mental model. Once that mystique fades -- once you look past the common sense notion of how women are supposed to be, and start looking towards what women really are, the monster hiding behind that facade can be a truly terrifying beast.

Take her off the pussy pedestal and start looking at her behavior objectively. It's a disturbing realization but you're going to feel much better. You can either love women or you can understand women, but you can't do both.

Meatros · 2021-05-04T14:55:59+00:00

So why do you want out? I mean, is it something that the two of you can work on?

If you are done, truly done, then pursue the divorce. It benefits no one to limp along in a relationship you don't want to be in.

LongTimeOn · 2021-05-04T15:40:23+00:00

I can't speak to the guilt but I too stayed far too long "for the kids sake" and it crushed me every day. All I will say is that you can be a far better father as a happy, single man than a depressed, angry married man. Don't worry about the kids, they will adapt and will be far better off with two parents that are happy. Start the process and make sure you protect yourself with regards to access to your children and the financial side of things. One harsh lesson you may have to learn is that the person you marry is not the person you divorce... expect that there's going to be some bullshit in the process, but try and remain civil and on good terms if you can... it'll save you a lot of stress and cash.

Awakeningof17 · 2021-05-04T19:44:46+00:00

What do you have to feel guilty about? Too many guys think it's all their fault the marriage isn't working, despite their best efforts to "fix" everything. Look at the divorce rates - the odds are stacked against you. The kids feed off your energy and if you are constantly embroiled in emotional battles with your wife, walking around in a state of depression, guess what...... Since my separation and divorce, the kids vibes have improved tenfold. No longer do they need to watch their dad walk around on egg shells and deal with a harpy b*tch. Start working on yourself, your kids lives depend upon it. If you haven't done so already, read The Rationale Male by Rollo Tomassi as a starter.

capn_KC · 2021-05-04T13:17:16+00:00

Have you done everything possible to rekindle your romance and save your marriage and keep your family together? If you haven’t, you have every right to have guilt. But if you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve done everything, offered to go to retreats, shopped for an experienced SBT couples therapist (Solutions based Brief Therapy), talked to her about your unhappiness, read Divorce Remedy, the 5 Love Languages, and Love & Respect, and really put the hard work in to try to save it all to no avail, then there’s very little to be guilty about, and the feeling you may be experiencing isn’t guilt, but a sense of failure. A friend of mine who’d been married several times told me that what kills him during divorce is the sense of utter failure that grips him every single time.

Title	The Guilt?
Author	AreaGuy
Upvotes	8
Comments	29
Date	May 4, 2021 10:27 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/n4l0so/the_guilt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-guilt.817094 https://theredarchive.com/post/817094

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