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Lugubrious_Lothario Archive

View 9 posts and 156 comments by Lugubrious_Lothario on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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6

I don't wantyou to misunderstand me, I'm not trying to talk down to you or call you dumb or anything like that, in fact I'm assuming you are a reasonably intelligent person who just happens to be going through a lot. The way your post is written makes it seem like maybe you aren't thinking clearly. Like you are assuming a lot of preexisting knowledge of your situation on the part of the reader, or you aren't having really complete thoughts. I'm saying this because I think you might want to consi…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:00 PM
5

Loneliness was the defining characteristic of my marriage. I was always lonely, yet I never had solitude. Unfortunately I still don't have solitude, which I would really like right about now, but at least I'm not lonely.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 01:59 AM
1

In Seattle? Prepare for at least a year of hell and some serious life changes. Most family courts suck, but Seattle is... well. I'm sorry, man.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 07:11 PM
5

My wedding band was stolen while I was in a 24 hour hold. It was never logged with my possessions, and never returned. Her engagement ring also had stones from a family member. She kept that—kept my last name too.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 05:02 PM
1

Full disclosure, I did not read your post, but the answer to your question at face value is an emphatic "yes". You think you can just live like that with no consequences? Look back and ask yourself "have I changed who I am to suit this person, to reduce conflict with them so I could just have some semblance of peace, if not happiness?" If the answer to that is "yes", there's your answer. Edit: okay, I read your post and I stand by my answer.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 08:30 AM
5

Any legal fallout for you? Did she drag you in to court over it? Any legal fallout for her?
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 02:10 AM
4

Direct and to the point. Almost certainly within reason in the eyes of the court. Did she ever say anything? Did you?
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 09:26 PM
6

You seem like the kind of guy I could enjoy a few beers with.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 08:06 PM
4

I'm glad a few people can see the humor in this. I'm more worried about the criminal/financial repercussions related to an elaborate and clearly intentional prank causing the government to deploy resources than her claim to expenses. I get the feeling a real judge would not see the humor in allowing the ruse to play out no matter who "started it" or how in the wrong they were.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 07:59 PM
6

Now that is funny. I wonder if the tracker would show the flight progress in real time. I didn't have causing an international incident on my list of things to do this year, but it's not too late. My ex would absolutely jump straight to calling interpol before trying to get ahold of me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 07:46 PM
2

Give me a break. I asked a genuine question. I want to know if anyone has had a similar situation, what they actually did about it, and what the results were. Am I actually going to put my kid through the trauma of seeing me arrested for a stupid prank? No. Do I actually want to deal with the fallout of an amber alert? Of course not. Is the idea of my ex wife incriminating herself for perhaps illegally monitoring my time with our kid by having a freakout and calling the police in a panic in a wa…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:58 PM
6

Legal? Almost certainly not. Something the family courts would actually reprimand a woman for or side with a father on... doubtful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:44 PM
10

I'm affraid that's disparaging to psychos.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:06 PM
5

I dunno, is it that complicated? I was looking at the other divorce sub and there was a woman complaining that her husband could track their kid with the airpods he had given him and she was getting all sorts of people saying that was illegal, probably a violation of the parenting plan, proof he was dangerous and she should tell the police/judge and use it against him to take away his time, and on and on. Just seems like another one of those wonderful double standards. I didn't say I would actua…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:04 PM
16

No, of course not, that would be illegal, right? Tracking the kid. 🙄
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 05:52 PM
10

All's fair in love and war. I haven't really had the chance to put it in to practice but that's basically the approach I've chosen. She fucking dragged me, and there's nothing I have left to say to her l, if she feels like she needs to say something to me, she can pay her lawyers hourly. Fuck her, fuck Family Wizard, and fuck the family courts.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 03:32 AM
14

Sadly this is just the way some women fight. If I had to guess I would say he probably expressed this insecurity to her at some point and she dug it up and turned it against him when she wanted to hurt him. That's the reason I would say he should get a divorce. Not because she said his dick was small, but because she wanted to cause him pain and she was willing to to sacrifice intimacy and trust in order to achieve that ends. She cares more about "winning" the fight than about him as a human bei…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 07:18 PM
7

Pawn it and buy yourself a lap dance with the proceeds. If you're near TJ go to he club Hong Kong and get yourself 2-3 gorgeous putas.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 09:37 PM
5

Yeah, garbage take. May as well say "never marry a Pisces, they're all two faced bitches". My ex was a middle child and was a professional victim, how do you explain that?
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 04:32 PM
7

10 years is where a marriage is considered long term and you are on the hook for alimony. You should file tomorrow.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/25 03:26 AM
1

I was going to point you to r/TJredlightdistrict, but it seems you aren't in North America and you already know what's up.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 11:41 PM
8

Something about the way you are writing this makes me think you know there is a chance the kid is yours. You write like an insane person, an idiot, or both. Too clever by half. A judge is going to see right through you, bud.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 12:12 PM
13

Word. My wife "asked" me for a divorce. I told her that she didn't need my permission, and I wouldn't give her my consent. It breaks my heart that our daughter will grow up in a broken home, but that's my only regret, if you can call it that, because as I've said, it wasn't my choice, and beyond that lone tragedy, in retrospect there are no other downsides (for me).
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 04:47 AM
13

Yup, I know the playbook well. The work my ex did on me undermined my self esteem, my emotional wellbeing, my career, my friendships -- everything that wasn't in direct service to her and her unfillable void. We separated about three and a half years ago and I'm still picking up the pieces, and still recovering from her abuse. I lost everything in my emancipation from her, I left with nothing, and a career that I had allowed to stagnate while trying to serve her needs. I've only recently started…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 02:47 PM
6

I'm like 95% certain this was my ex wife's plan, to cow me in to submission by asserting total domination through family court. Didn't work out quite like she planned. I kept walking and haven't looked back.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 02:48 AM
2

I guess maybe I learned some things being married to my ex. She would turn the screws to get a reaction or to make me lose the game by breaking social protocol in some way out of frustration and then she would use that to paint herself as the beleaguered victim of her cruel, abusive husband. I've been painted as the bad guy more than a few times because I reacted to shitty behavior and continued to engage in the cycle. Now I know better. She knows people I know, and unless she wants to straight …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/25 12:12 AM
4

After the show we walked down to the historical Italian district for Aperol Spritzes. That was when I really started to get a hanky feeling, that she wanted me to call an Uber for a five minute walk on a beautiful day (and she was wearing flats). We talked over cocktails for maybe an hour or so where she let it drop that she wants to get married (actually that she knows she will get married), but that she doesn't cook, doesn't clean, won't work after she's married, and made it pretty clear she d…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 11:46 PM
2

One of the club presidents, but yeah. Don't let that shock you, there are some really fucked up people in the nonprofit world. Don't get me wrong, it's mostly good, kind people, but we have our snakes in the grass too.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 02:10 PM
6

Why are you here? What do you get out of commenting on posts in a sub that is specifically for men going through divorce? You're the second woman to comment on my post, and while you don't seem like you are trying to police men's thoughts and opinions as much as the last woman, you do have the bad luck of being the second to comment on my post and thereby invade this space that is clearly labeled as being for men and clearly not being supportive or sympathetic. Honestly, it just strikes me as re…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 02:57 AM
3

I think you are misatributing something someone else said to me.... some other user said something along the lines that all women are terrible and I responded that if he believes that he shouldn't be dating. I met her while volunteering.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 09:46 PM
9

If you've decided all women are vampires you may as well just start taking an antidepressant that chemically castrates you and start collecting model trains or something. I choose to believe that there are good women in the world, despite the state of society as a whole.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 01:45 PM
19

I'm not looking for a sheep, just an honest woman who won't treat me like a wallet with a pulse.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 01:30 PM
20

If it hasn't happened yet you are in for a real treat. When I say my dick practically turned inside out that's barely hyperbole. I honestly don't think it would have been physically possible for me to get it up if she had sat right on my face. I just can't unknow what I know, and I know how to spot an abuser, and on every level, spiritually, psychologically, physically, emotionally -- every level of my being I was in retreat once I saw what I had walked in to. No amount of young and hot can cove…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 05:21 AM
6

So, I moved to Mexico after my divorce. Very happy with that decision in general, one of the perks is I have an easy time dating younger women who don't already have kids and a ton of emotional baggage. The thing is, Instagram is pretty big down here, so I signed up for an account recently, and of course because of the people I follow and who follow me I've started to get content from so called relationship experts. Oof. It's just so, so fucked up. I actually watch a bit of it because I want to …
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 06:18 PM
2

My mother and my ex wife were both white women. What else needs to be said?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 01:44 PM
1

Yup. If you can scrape together 200k and still have some income to work from you could get yourself a very nice condo in a secured building within a stone's throw from the Beach in Rosarito.I don't live inside the walls, myself. I live out in a more rural area and I keep horses for about $300/mo each, all costs included (vet, food, farier, etc). I drink premium tequila whenever I like because I can afford it and I don't have to settle for swill. A maid is like $40/day (pro tip, interview a few a…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 01:29 PM
3

People in tech, real estate, government, and other money/power adjacent industries tend to speak English, at least around here. I'm still working on my Spanish every day though, to expand my horizons. I've met some beautiful women I just couldn't quite have the kinds of conversations I wanted to because my Spanish wasn't up to snuff, so I'm motivated to change that.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 04:34 AM
8

It's fantastic. I live in Baja. I'm in my late 30s and I can date women in their early-mid 20s to... well about as old as I might care to go. Which for me, personally, isn't that old, because as I've said, I can date women 15 years younger than me. I ride my horses on the beach 3 times a week or so. I go to food and wine events 2-3 times a month. I do a fair bit of volunteer work to build my connections with young professionals who are local, rather than expats, and I'm learning a new language, …
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 12:25 AM
9

Have you considered moving to Mexico?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 11:05 PM
5

Mine got taken off me when I was thrown in jail and it was never logged with my possessions. I made some attempts to get it back, filed a complaint and a police report. Never got anywhere. Ultimately I decided that melted down for scrap in the back of a shady pawn shop was the best thing for it. Still kinda pissed me off because it was like a $700 worth of platinum I could have used at the time, but as I said, I'm sure it wound up at its correct final destination.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 01:41 AM
6

Washington State definitely has a pattern of dick hammering. What she described sounds a lot like my divorce there.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 09:35 AM
2

Some guys start over in a new country. Learn a language, get your citizenship, leave her with the third world country wearing a Gucci belt with it's broken ass system and start over somewhere you can be happy. If you can scare together some savings, and maybe figure out how to work remotely while you transition to your new life you will be blown away by how far your dollars can go abroad. Once you're out decide if you want to keep paying her or not. My suggestion would be to keep paying just eno…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 12:48 PM
1

That's certainly your right. I think I probably would have done just as well or better if I had just gotten back on my ADHD meds, but unfortunately finding a new doctor after the fallout of the divorce meant someone deciding for me that my ADHD symptoms were actually just depression/anxiety (never mind that I have a pediatric and adult diagnosis) Yeah, I would definitely steer people clear of SSRI/SNRI meds if they aren't straight up at the point of sorting their gun collection in order of prefe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 03:54 PM
1

Vipassana worked wonders for me. Don't get me wrong, I still ended up on an SNRI for a little bit, but I weaned myself off after about a year. Learning to be more aware of your body and mind through the empirical experience of just sitting and observing how sensations and thoughts come and go, and from that gaining an understanding that all this pain is transient is a life changing tool. I was really lucky that I had already been on the waiting list for a year and my first sit was about two week…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 02:12 PM
4

I'm <40 and I made the same choice. I got absolutely dragged, left with a library card and the clothes on my back, career destroyed, to say nothing of the psychological and emotional fallout. I moved to Mexico and it's been a great choice for me. My career is back on the upswing, I'm dating again and my value on the dating market here is quite nice comparatively, I got a couple horses and I go riding on the beach or in the mountains whenever I want. Basically life is better than it was before I …
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 02:38 PM
3

I got dragged. The shit the judge allowed as evidence blew my fucking mind. Shit like statements from friends which weren't witness accounts, but just a statement saying "he abused her, this is what she told me" and that person didn't have to testify and I couldn't cross examine the testimony. OP needs to get infront of this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 01:06 PM
12

Dude. File first. Just... don't pay the bills one month. Drop it in her lap. Take your whole paycheck to a lawyer and pay him to file. From what you described it's already over, and if you move first you will be in a much better position after the fallout. What I absolutely promise you you do not want to experience is a a divorce from a woman with a good job who makes more than you where she talks to a lawyer first and they convince her to go through with a Silver Bullet Divorce. You think your …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 01:02 PM
6

Well ChatGPT is right, and now I'm telling you to read it too. So what are you going to do?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 04:36 AM
8

I've caught some flack for recommending this book to people with suicidal ideation, but for me, personally, I was about as close to opting out as I have ever been when I found The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus and it absolutely pulled me out of the spiral. It's more of a longish philosophy essay, really, and it asks the question directly and unapologetically "given the absurdity of life, is it worth living?" For me the answer was yes, but I had to reimagine life and find my rebellion against …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 04:07 AM
1

I'm sorry to hear that, man. If you are being mistreated and your daughter is it risk of growing up in a household where she sees spousal abuse as normal then to me it sounds like you are making the right choice. I hope that you are able to prove that she is the aggressor. I don't think you need me to tell you that you are facing an uphill battle as a man going through family court.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 09:39 PM
3

Thank you. It's a tough decision to live with, but it was the least bad option left to me. I do hope some day she wants to meet me. I don't know if I will be able to make amends for my absence in her life, but I will certainly try if she is open to it. I hope if there is someone who is new to this sub and in a similar situation, but doubting themselves sees my story that it can help them feel that not only are they not the only one going through this, but that they aren't crazy, despite all thos…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 06:22 PM
6

Yes, divorcing my abusive ex-wife remains one of the best things that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong, the divorce itself was a waking daily hell that made the nightmare I had been living in look like summer camp, but the actual final end of things, has brought me only peace, healing, and happiness. I saw a post somewhere early this morning where one of the top comments was someone suggesting that everyone should learn the signs of narcissistic abuse, particularly the patterns of vulnera…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 06:06 PM
1

Thank you. It's been a difficult decision to stand by, but I believe the morally correct one. Some day I will have to answer for it, and when that day comes I hope my daughter can find it in her heart to forgive me for not being there, but whether or not she does I believe I've done the right thing for her by not subjecting her to the trauma of being dragged in to court and pressed with uncomfortable questions about how her father touches her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 10:05 PM
3

Just one little girl. No she wasn't old enough to testify at the time, she hadn't spoken her first words yet. It's been a few years now and I still think about her all the time, but I still believe I made the right choice. I have family nearby that keeps an eye on things so I would know if she was ever in any actual danger, and if that were the case, I would certainly intervene. I guess that's another one of the things that differentiates me from her mother, however much I may despise the woman …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 07:34 PM
3

This was basically the choice I presented to my ex. You can drop this charade and you can have me in our kid's life as an equal coparent, or you can choose to be a single mother, with all that entails, but what you don't get to do is hold a gun to my head and have me marching to the beat of your drum while expecting me to cowtow and act like I'm grateful for the little (conditional) time I get. It may be the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face, but if your nose became can…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 07:04 PM
7

This is going to be unpopular, but I would encourage you to strongly consider walking away. In my case my ex accused me of being a sexual predator, and insisted that I only be allowed supervised visitation for that reason. This was after I had already completed all the court ordered classes and therapy. When it became clear the family court was going to continue to pander to her lies and delusions and that by continuing to try to be a part of my child's life in the near term I put myself at risk…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 04:40 PM
3

Being petty about how you make your court ordered payments will only confirm to her that she still has power over you, and she will be likely to find ways to keep exerting that power just to watch you squirm. Make your payments (or don't maybe) and just try to move forward with living your best life.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 09:24 PM
3

You sound like you're ready to see what else the world has to offer. It is so much bigger, more interesting, and sexy than the US (assuming that's where you are from). I moved to Mexico after my divorce and it's the second best decision I ever made. Is there somewhere in the world you've always wanted to visit? Maybe somewhere your ex wouldn't have "allowed" or approved of? Go there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:00 PM
2

You got a passport?
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 03:13 PM
6

You just described about half the reasons I decided to leave the country. Easier to just start from scratch than to try to get justice from family courts in America.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 02:31 PM
1

That's some nice moral superiority you've got there.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 06:39 PM
1

Yeah, that's tough. For some guys and their kids it works out. In my case my ex and the courts made it clear my services were not needed. I already know it's looked down on and people will say I abandoned my kids, but the truth is until you've been handed down an extremely limited supervised "visitation" schedule by a judge that has decided to treat you like a danger to your own children on the word of a woman who has already proven that she will tell terrible lies to hurt and control you, you d…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 04:23 PM
4

Yup. Moved to Mexico. It's great.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 02:22 PM
1

Do you have a job/skillset that is remote work compatible? You might find your life can beuch more comfortable somewhere not the US.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/25 12:43 AM
14

Sounds like your wife is doing the same thing my ex did, which was insinuate to anyone who would listen that I'm some kind of pervert who can't be trusted unsupervised around his own daughter. It's an early move to get full custody and make family court as humiliating and painful as possible, perhaps so much so that you will just give up on fighting her and just accept whatever terms she offers you to make it stop. Sorry you are going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 05:20 PM
9

I was in a long term relationship that was pretty good, but her clock started ticking and she started pressuring me to propose. Eventually I gave in. Things started falling apart pretty much immediately after our wedding.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 11:36 PM
4

act smart plant desert meeting plough middle repeat governor special This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 01:58 AM
2

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 11:51 PM
14

Congrats, man. You are doing divorce right. It can be tough out there as a single man, but those little opportunities to spread some joy really do pay dividends to your mental health.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:25 PM
3

I'm certainly struggling with this as well. There is a woman who is pursuing me and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. It's certainly been long enough since our separation to start dating again, and I don't feel like I'm pining for what was lost or anything like that, I just don't feel any particular interest in being in a relationship now that I've seen behind the curtain or divorce/separation. what I've kinda settled on is that I'm okay with having an activities partner. like I said, she's…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 07:38 PM
5

She kept everything else, why not?
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:52 AM
8

You can refuse to play the game. Take your passport and leave. Don't waste energy fighting her in court and paying out money to lawyers. Just go. Start a new life.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 04:30 PM
12

Remindme! 5 years "check in on that idiot who was stupid enough to remarry his ex wife"
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 04:26 AM
26

She suspects your career has advanced and she is looking to confirm that before she hires a lawyer to come after you for an increase in child support.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 10:39 PM
5

Assuming this is asked in good faith and not some lame product placement; wear whatever you want. Buy a motorcycle, bang some hookers, do all the things you've ever wanted that your (ex)wife would never "let" you do. You survived marriage and a divorce, you've earned it, champ.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 07:55 PM
11

Not a god damn chance. I tell her nothing. My life is a black box to her. She has shown a consistent pattern of using any tiny piece of information she can obtain about my life as a weapon against me either in courts or to pull apart my connection to friends and family. The very few people who do have some kind of mutual contact left in my life are clear on the rules that they aren't to share anything about my life with her and I occasionally disinform them so I will know where the leak came fro…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 09:39 PM
8

What an absolute nightmare. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I think it's pretty common. My ex started going this direction and insisting I needed supervision and tried to compell me to sign what amounted to a confession that I was a (sexual) danger to my daughter before I could even meet her for the first time. That was pretty much where I washed my hands and walked away. She had already won a permanent restraining order against me and dragged me through the most humiliating and painful …
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 04:06 AM
3

I stopped reading at "attempt to kiss me on the lips". If you need a formal agreement to get affection (nevermind sex) your marriage is surely dead. Just fucking call it my guy. How old are you, like 50? There's still some time left to hop on a flight to South America or SE Asia and hook up with a (hot) younger woman and enjoy a little bit of life before it's all hearing aids and walkers and shit. Peruse the regular divorce sub and pick up some tips (from women) on how they postion themselves fo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 07:39 PM
9

I listen to audio books and heavily disassociate. Also hanging out with horses is pretty chill. Kinda thinking about taking up banging hookers, but I'm still iffy on it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 03:46 AM
13

Theres some real wisdom there. Towards the end of my marriage I started to wake up to the fact that the things she said had nothing to do with what was actually happening, which is a big part of why couples counseling didn't work. We weren't actually having conversations and I couldn't do anything that would change the amount of complaints I would get from her about everything under the sun that was somehow my fault. Now I realize that she was done with the marriage long before we made it offici…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 06:06 PM
6

Yeah, I'm not sure where that's still a thing. I didn't really want a divorce especially since there was a baby on the way (mine) so when she asked me I told her "You don't need my permission and I won't give you my consent".
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 03:04 AM
3

Mine got stolen by the guards the night I was in jail. I was salty as fuck about it when I got my possessions back and it wasn't in there but two years later I feel like on the shelf at a shady pawn shop is the perfect place for it. Mine was platinum, by the way. Not cheap. Still weirdly grateful someone did me the favor of relieving me of it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 04:13 AM
2

Essential reading for any man currently getting his balls crushed in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 02:44 PM
7

I don't actually believe any agents of the justice system have a subtle enough understanding of human psychology to intentionally try to manipulate (positively) someone this way, but I'm somewhat inclined to believe it's "supposed" to be this way. Like, let's make the process of going to family court so traumatic that we essentially kill the original man so we never have to see him again. Either he will become a shadow of his former self and be too timid to ever date again, or he will rebuild hi…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 10:24 AM
2

The fact that you don't have kids makes the answer here pretty obvious. You pick up your life and you move on. Check out r/passport_bros. I had a similar feeling that I had wasted my youth and beauty on my ex, but it's not actually reflective of the reality of the situation. I'm approaching 40 and I get introduced to women in their early 20's regularly.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 01:09 PM
3

First off, good for you for having boundaries and standing by them. I can't speak to why you are attracting a certain type, if that is indeed the case, but I think it's a pretty common understanding/belief that after a certain age "the good ones" have been all snatched up (men and women). I also want to say that something I learned from my divorce is that the only "right" you have in a relationship is the right to walk away. No one is entitled to another person's attentions. Celibacy is honestly…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 03:29 AM
3

This is the actual correct answer wrt escaping narcissistic abuse. Excising her from you life in such a way as to feel confident in your emotional safety and mental well-being afterwords is it's own reward. Build a new rich and rewarding life that is free from the daily chaos that the hallmark of her abuse and refuse to give her an inch. Become invisible to her, because if she is what you say then anything she knows is a potential angle of attack. If you want to go bang hookers in Thailand so be…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 08:03 AM
7

This realization is ultimately what set me free from my miserable marriage. I made mistakes and I owned up to them, but I never saw any kind of reciprocity in that regard from my ex. She would either gaslight me by denying that she had ever said the things she had said (usually when we were in couples therapy) or she would justify/rationalize her behavior when I was broken down, pleading with her to meet me half way. After we had been trial separated for about a year and we were talking some abo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 06:31 PM
1

Here is the link to the deleted post. And here is the link to the retraction.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 07:15 PM
5

Higher rates of domestic violence too. What might we infer from that? And how is it men's fault?
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 10:10 PM
5

That is a disappointing but not at all surprising story. Congratulations on your new found freedom and (I'm guessing) increased earning potential. Not to mention being in a field surrounded by compassionate women and uh... well, it sounds like if you got hit with spousal support that probably has an early end date on it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 08:31 PM
13

She kept everything else of mine, why not that too?
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 11:05 AM
3

She will win what is called a default judgement. Probably pretty rare to have a situation that this is where you are going to get your most preferred outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 03:05 AM
7

Dude, delete this shit before you end up on r/justneckbeardthings. This is embarrassing for the whole sub.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 03:17 PM
1

Cheer, mate! Here's to long, happy and healthy lives for all of us.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 05:36 PM
1

Salud! I'm gonna kick the day off with a shower beer -- because why the fuck not?
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 05:33 PM
2

Its been two years since we separated, and in that time I've been hounded by her lawyers, court appointed therapists and pretty much homeless and the amazing thing I realized in that time is that even with all that, I am far less anxious than I was waking up next to my ex every morning. I used to sneak out of bed at 4:00 am just so I could have a few hours to myself before her daily tirade, and as soon as I heard her stirring I my heart started racing and my will to live pretty much went out the…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 05:31 PM
1

And to you too, brother. It's amazing what a relief it is, right? I still have a lot of rebuilding to do, but it actually seems kind of doable now. I feel a lot different today despite the fact that the only thing that's really changed since our separation a little over two years ago is making it official yesterday. I've barely been able to do more than get dressed in the morning (and really not even that, been wearing the same sweats the whole time) since my folks took me in a few weeks ago, I …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 05:21 PM
2

It's kinda dumb, but it also makes sense. It's a Harry Potter reference. There's this character who is a sort of magically bound slave, and he lives in fear of being set free, and his "family" (owners) treat him like complete garbage. He isn't allowed to have anything for himself, not even clothes (he wears an old pillowcase I believe). Anyways, in the story, as part of some hijinks his owner accidentally tosses him an old sock, and he catches it, and the sock breaks the spell and sets him free.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 02:36 PM
4

Well. Today I cried and shook on the floor in the fetal position until I was composed enough to gather up some clothes and get dressed... then I cried and shook while I put on my shoes, and then I went for a walk after that I spent some time feeding animals and then I went and got a haircut. I have leaned on every support system I have through this process, and lost some more relationships along the way because they couldn't handle the situation. That part sucks but I don't really blame them. It…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 06:34 AM
3

Hotel rooms or just general financial rape?
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 06:25 AM
8

Read the fucking room.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/23 12:33 PM
15

I see a lot of posts on this sub that don't quite hit the mark for me, but this feels like I could have written it myself last night. My standards were so pitifully low I see now that being abused by my partner was a virtual inevitability. I didn't understand in the moment or in context how badly I was actually being treated because I had a beautiful woman who payed attention to me and we did things together. I realize now how her constant berating and criticism of the most innocuous things I wo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/23 12:07 PM
2

It sounds like you might benefit from some psychoeducation on trauma. I would highly recommend the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 07:37 PM
4

It's amazing how much your outlook and disposition can improve when you aren't being subjected to daily belittlement and nagging.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 10:33 AM
1

Still a federal crime unless she paid postage and it was delivered by a postal worker. It is illegal for anyone but a postal worker to place anything mail like in a mailbox.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 03:32 PM
2

Putting flyers in a mailbox is a federal crime that comes with a pretty hefty fine. If any of your neighbors are willing to give statements perhaps your local postmaster or postal inspector would like to have a talk with her about it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 12:28 PM
3

Seconded.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 01:19 AM
8

IANAL, but if I was in your position I would apply for all of the worst loans I could get my hands on, and I would spend that money down hard and fast on creating good memories for your sons. Maybe you could put down payments for summer camps and stuff like that years out. Just make sure they and your family know that debt dies with you but the gift is theirs no matter what.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 09:00 PM
2

These are the words of a woman who knows her approach to her marriage is untenable and that bringing a neutral third party in to the mix will cast a light on her mistreatment of you. I begged for years to get my wife in to counseling. I wore her down eventually and we had a few productive sessions where she acknowledged her abusive behaviors. Eventually though she got a dvpo against me and those admissions on her part were sealed under medical confidentiality.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 07:09 PM
2

I'm uh, at the beginning of my child support journey. Realizing it's going to make it a lot harder to achieve any of my financial goals for the next two decades. Home ownership is probably no longer in the cards for me. I've never even held my baby girl and the pain of that has pretty much defined my whole perception of what the experience of fatherhood is. I'm hiring a lawyer to fight that fight for me, I'm working on myself and trying to be as happy as I can with what is still allowed to me in…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 10:37 PM
9

Fuck, this is brutal. I'm going through it in Washington too and I recognize a lot of what you are saying. Just remember that nothing she or her lawyer says matters unless it's been stamped by a judge. I've saved myself thousands of dollars and watched my ex spend thousands more largely by ignoring her when she says I owe her money. Be sure to document this disparity with her keeping half of your insurance payout. That's not income, it's literally to make you whole, and she is saying you need to…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 08:45 PM
2

I'm struggling with this too right now. I've been lurking on r/overmployed for a couple years now and at this point I'm thinking about becoming a real member. I made a career change about a year after our separation that I hope will enable me to keep up with this new lifestyle, but right now since I'm just entering the field and the economy is fucked I'm barely scraping by... I figure the best thing I can do for myself is engage with my natural tendency to hide from the pain of isolation in work…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 11:57 PM
1

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/23 05:03 AM
1

No. I got you. Doing a lot of math these days.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 12:00 AM
11

Good job not letting your ex bait you, you sound like the kind of dad who genuinely cares about his daughters mental health and wants to help her grow up without the kind of insecurity and pettiness that defines her mother's whole personality. You are a good man, you are doing the right thing, you pay your damn child support; children aren't stupid, don't let yourself slip in to her petty game and your daughter will continue to see you as the yardstick by which all men are judged, and one day wi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 01:00 PM
2

Who are the clowns downvoting this? Seriously. Is this dude's wife stalking his reddit account or what?
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 08:17 PM
2

"An ugly wife is a treasure in the home"
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 08:12 PM
2

So, the YouTube algorithm has been pushing a lot of content focused on recovery from narcissistic abuse on me lately, and one of the most interesting takeaways I've had so far is that vulnerable narcisists (that's a specific subtype) will sometimes trick the people they abuse in to believing they are the narcissists, specifically by isolating them from their family. How is your relationship with your folks/siblings compared to when you first met her? Edit: For the new guys; see a patern?
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/23 07:52 PM
1

I haven't dated online since it was a relatively new thing (think plentyoffish)... is this thing where you swipe and end up on dates with more than woman who has an onlyfans or whatever actually a common experience? If so I wouldn't really take that as an indication that pros are any more common than they have been in the past, but more so that tinder or whatever you are using has just become the thing that filled the void left by backpage.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/22 07:34 PM
10

Its actually kinda a perk of the experience, like op was saying, if you look at it right. Those fareweather friends and "family" aren't really your people, they probably never were, and they just did you thr courtesy of making that explicitly known. If you accept this it means you can never be disaap98nted by them again, you get to move on with your own life and when you bump in to them and they tell you what they think of you, how you are treating your ex etc you can honestly tell them you real…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 05:23 PM
1

Talk to your family law attorney. Maybe there is some way you can work out keeping her on your insurance through a legal separation and also protect yourself financially from her overall medical debt and anything else. Ianal.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/22 05:47 AM
2

Inform the judge, explain you were never properly served and haven't had time to draft any kind of response or consider the modification yourself (or hire an attorney).
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/22 10:54 PM
0

I hope you drown and your family thinks you abandoned them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 12:05 AM
1

Can you request a trial?
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/22 04:48 PM
1

WRT your ex cherry picking out all the parts where she is threatening suicide/her own vile things -- talk to your lawyer about this. There's rules in court which are meant to prevent someone from misrepresenting their case by decontextualizing the facts.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/22 04:47 PM
10

My daughter is still less than a year, but mom and I are separated, and things are not good between us. I wanted so much to be a dad, when I found out I was going to be, but that everything about that would basically be decided by a woman who hates me my heart shattered. I wish I knew ew how to cry in a way that fits the depth of sadness I feel. I'm sorry you're going through it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/22 12:57 AM
6

This is too on point, I actually got called out by a friend about how I had pushed a woman who had been abused in every relationship she has ever had in to taking legal action. I hadn't thought of it before he pointed it out, but sadly I couldn't get my friend to appreciate what he had just said. Lost that friendship with the court case.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 08:52 PM
10

I don't know if they are all the same, but when my wife got the DVPO (just before asking the court for full ownership of our marital home) she dragged me like Hector around the gates, after everything she said about me I hardly recognized myself. Sickening is the right word.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 07:27 PM
2

"Bitch uncovered". Nice.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/22 07:57 AM
1

Is there a compound word in German for this?
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/22 12:20 AM
1

"i am just starting this process, and so far she is being very civil about everything" You haven't really started yet.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/22 12:17 AM
3

My wife brought a 50 page screed against me in her original petition for a DVPO, with almost 40 separate accusations all told. Eventually her lawyer helped her rewrite that in to something not so insane looking but with the original document already in the record and some other evidence I was able to bring I was able to prove that everything I had been accused of was a lie. The outcome of this was that the judge noted in her finding that the only instance in which she had met her burden of proof…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/22 11:51 AM
2

The state you live in matters WRT infidelity, and if it means anything in court. Washington for example is a no fault state, infidelity has zero effect on the outcome of a divorce and calculating alimony. So unless you are in a state where that isn't the case, this isn't so much "documentation" as it is a personal obsession. Worst case scenario you get a female judge who thinks an unfaithful wife is proof you were a shotty husband. (People think differently about male vs female infidelity, fucke…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/22 11:35 AM
3

Oh, I'm in the middle of it. Wife got the criminal NCO, then the Civil DVPO. She accused me of everything possible short of actually murdering her in the civil case. I was able to demonstrate that she had lied a lot and the judge still granted the order with the small concession that she had only met her burden of proof on the one accusation associated with the criminal case for the night I was arrested. I just got served with legal separation paperwork a couple days ago with a bunch of numbers …
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/22 11:22 PM
2

Well that was a thoroughly anxiety making read.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/22 10:59 PM
4

Yeah. Well NCO + DVPO in my state, but probably the same thing based on context.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/22 09:23 PM
9

Damn dude, you are in it deep. I see some similarities in our situation, my wife also planned ahead and blindsided me brutally. Working with an attorney she has pushed this thing along and fucked me each time I have to appear in court. She also makes a lot more than me, to the point that I'm confused how I'm supposed to be able to afford to put up a fight, while at the same time she is demanding child support. In my case I'm pretty sure she actually wants me to come crawling back, that she is do…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/22 07:43 PM
5

Yeah. I get that. Its definitely a trauma response. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea of trying to start another family when there is already a little girl out there who is a part of me and there is so much painattached to my experience of fatherhood so far, and as for the casual company of women, I just don't see random casual hookups as particularly worth the trouble (maybe that will change with more time, or maybe I've outgrown that urgent need for sexual attention), and I don't reall…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 11:43 PM
8

This shit causes me physical pain. You present someone with facts, or perhaps even an argument and it doesn't fit with their chosen view, or perhaps even undermines it directly and they respond as if you didn't just make a cogent statement that warrants a thoughtful response. Just clam up and repeat the line and hope that changes things. Awesome.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 08:17 AM
3

You sound like someone who's wife dragged them in to court and told the judge and your friends and family and anyone else who would listen that you are a wife beater, a rapist, a gaslighter, and a deadbeat drunk, and now you've been completely ostracized from the life you once knew and even though you've stopped fighting it she still comes around to twist the knife and see you squirm when she gets bored. How am I doing so far?
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 06:05 AM
6

It's so incredibly fucked up that I'm honestly thinking about trying to join the French Foreign Legion. I've got a couple years of eligibility left, and i could take a new namr and get a new passport and she wouldn't ever find me. Its not even about the money, I'm just genuinely terrified of the fact that this woman can gltwist the knife whenever she gets bored and I can't do anything to stop her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 03:22 AM
15

Just be grateful about the no kids thing man. I get feeling fucked up and in love with a woman who is actively betraying you and acting in ways you never would have forseen/don't make sense, and honestly I've considered the possibility that my wife is cheating on me with a woman, but I don't have any evidence of that, and besides, its just not the focus for me right now. Having a kid in the picture just makes every fucked up thing she does feel like a part of a life sentence. I feel like I'm in …
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 03:00 AM
3

Smart kid.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 09:53 AM
1

Yup. And we live in a no fault state. And she's already thrown me out of my home and defamed me in court in front of my friends and family, calling me a wife beater, a Machiavellian manipulator (maybe a little projection going on there), a rapist, and a deadbeat drunk; and I'm still fucking standing. Fulfilling my obligations to the court and holding my head up high because I know there's not much more she can do to hurt me and I still haven't crawled back to her like she wants. She makes a lot …
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 04:27 PM
1

Yeah, I've considered that it's going to go badly for me, however I think there's some hope. We are in a no fault divorce state (including accusations of DV) and there are also strict guidelines about spousal maintenance, community property division and child support. She earned about 20x my income last year, which is pretty consistent with our marriage history, plus we became "domestic partners" several years before we were married in a pretty official way, so I think it's likely she's going to…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 04:17 PM
1

I'm sorry you went through that, and thank you, that kind of validation is important. I'm going to have to wear a very tough look, and be labeled as the bastard who walked out on his family, but I know in my heart that taking that hit is better for me and the kid than them being used to hurt me, because everything my wife has shown me through this separation is that she can't stop herself, and isn't even willing to acknowledge it, so probably never will (acknowledge or stop the behavior).
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 03:43 PM
3

Well, when we were living together she had pretty much convinced me that my family was bad for me, and that they didn't want anything to do with me anyways, because I'm unlovable, so I had nowhere to go, and that she was the only person who could love me; so I stayed, against my better judgement. It's hard to see and understand how I was so convinced now that we've been separated about 9 months, and I've recently started to experience happiness and contedness just being by myself for the first t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 01:05 PM
1

If it was a divorce tactic it would be less reprehensible, but it's not. She doesn't want a divorce. It's a control/coersion tactic, and completely consistent with her pattern of abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 11:39 AM
1

Like I said below, I'm not walking away for me, I'm walking away for them. I wanted to be a father so so much. And I got my wish. It just so happens that my first responsibility as a father now is to make sure that my child isn't being exposed to an idea of "love" that involves using children as weapons for coercive control. She is still a beautiful, successful woman. She will be able to remary. I just have to hope that she picks a partner who can handle her emotional baggage and who will be goo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 09:24 AM
6

A lot of reasons, but I guess the simplest explanation would be that I've realized that she is more in love with the comfort that the people and institutions that tripped over themselves to come running to her aid when she yelled "abuse" provide than she is with me. Specifically in regards to allowing her to go on believing that she didn't abuse me for years, and that she has no culpability in the failure of our marriage. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. To keep me trapped in a marriag…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 09:18 AM
2

I understand your position, and I see how it could look that way from the outside, but that's not how I see it, or how I'm motivated. I'm not okay with my child being thrown in the middle of our bullshit, and being made to be a lever she can pull to hurt me whenever she wants. I don't want them seeing their parents that way when they become conscious of the nature of their home life. Either of us. She has the power of the courts on her side, that means if I want what I believe is best for the ki…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 09:08 AM
1

Living in my own house and being there to pick up slack and change diapers, bathe them, rock them to sleep any time of day or night. We own two adjacent housing units, one is empty; it is within her power to have the order modified such that I can have my house, and she can have hers, and we can both be there for the kid without stepping on each other's toes. But as another user said, she is punishing me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 09:02 AM
3

I'm very seriously considering using my name currently still being on our house as a way to get a mortgage on a an Airstream Atlas. (Only works if it's considered a second home) I'm about 1/4 of the way through my probation agreement, once that's up I want to be a fucking ghost. I will park that shit in a national park, keep it charged on solar, cook w/propane and stretch the water tank by taking whore's baths in the sink.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/22 04:55 PM
6

Of course. My wife is currently in the process of tearing my heart out and shitting I'm my chest and I would still take her back if she would stop actively fucking with me to the point that I have to leave the state to feel safe. I would do it for the sake of our kid and because I love her. Hell, that's what being in love is at some level, willingness to reconcile and forgive.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:44 PM
3

Kid is on the way, she is pregnant. As to the evidence; no, I would not say she has any meaningful evidence of something I didn't do, but the bar is so low because it's not considered an adverse ruling, despite the long term consequences. She is saying I raped her, but her story has changed twice at least, she is saying on another occasion I tried to strangle her, meanwhile she still sends me sexy videos I haven't asked for and wants to talk about plans for the kid... and says she doesn't want a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 08:40 AM
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