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Ok_Transition_4914 Archive

View 3 posts and 98 comments by Ok_Transition_4914 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

I gave up the house as soon as I was able. Fine, I've lost the house, but half the value is mine. It's baffling to me that anyone can cohabitate and maintain their sanity and perspective on reality when they're still living in that dynamic.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 03:11 PM
2

I did pretty well for most of the time, but a few months ago my work started suffering bad and then I hit a point where I was ready to walk out and start delivering pizzas for a living. I set up appointments with my doctor, my therapist, investigated mental health leave, and met with my lawyer to see how bad it might hurt my case. They were supportive of me just stopping for a couple of months, but I also was prescribed meds to deal with my anxiety that I just couldn't control anymore. I was luc…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 01:25 AM
20

Before going through it myself I would have thought that the whole "she's already on her way out" was just a bunch of angry men who got a raw deal. Turns out that it's a very predictable pattern with the highlights being She needs to work on herself. She needs space. She files for divorce and turns into someone you didn't know. You might be able to save this thing, but it's going to take 100% effort and hard work from both of you. Moving in with her mother and wanting a break looks like her pool…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 01:16 AM
3

Are you free now, or still working through the process?
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 02:31 AM
2

Conditional love is not real love. I love my kids unconditionally. Their love for me will never dictate my need to love them. This is one thing that I intellectually knew, possibly experienced when I was young. I thought I loved my daughter and wife unconditionally, until my ex told me she wanted a divorce. I went through some very hard times coming to terms with the marriage ending, I still am struggling with the divorce process, but I realized that my feelings for my ex were very different fro…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/23 06:16 AM
3

This is the biggest thing for me. It's natural to feel hate and resentment, but it doesn't hurt her or the new guy. It never will. You have to feel it, you have to go through it, and then you have to let it go. I found a therapist who specializes in helping men through this kind of transition and it has been helpful for me. The hate only hurts you. Even during the divorce process the hate and resentment can cause you to do things that will undermine yourself, to make bad decisions that will hurt…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 02:28 PM
2

You say you're in a no fault state, so it makes no difference. You'll screw yourself and lose credibility for trying to make an issue of it. On the other hand, if you have reason to discredit her, and this is just one part of a larger pattern of abusive and controlling behavior, put it on the list. Overall, though, in a no fault state it just doesn't matter.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 03:09 PM
3

Late to the game, but in discovery you can ask for anything you want. I got insane requests including phone records, social media, text, blood tests, anything you can imagine, she asked for it. Work with your lawyer. Mine recommended giving up whatever seemed reasonable, and most of the requests were unreasonable and rejected. Being in a no fault state I was able to reject most of the unreasonable requests by stating that they would impact external parties who preferred to remain anonymous and/o…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 05:34 AM
1

On top of that don't waste your time and energy on getting revenge or justice or whatever. Sure, you lost, but you're letting her live rent free in your head. You'll always lose the "getting justice" game because she'll never convince her that she was wrong. The divorce is done. Quit letting her have priority in your life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 04:20 AM
10

If someone were to talk to only her, they would swear she got sperm from a bank and had a money tree to pay her bills and stuff around the house never broke. Never there for them? Really? Never supported her? This hits hard. I wasn't perfect, but it's hard being the only source of income for 20 years, but yeah. I was never there. The house is "hers." The car is "hers." Everything I financed is "hers." She deserves compensation for being with me all that time. She deserves compensation for taking…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 11:29 PM
3

There is no chance your daughter doesn't notice, This is the one people need to pay attention to when they're saying they are staying together for the kids. Whether you stay or not, your kid is in a broken home. That can lead to just as many bad consequences as staying.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 01:39 PM
2

Let it go, keep doing what you're doing. Don't try to justify anything you do, don't argue, don't apologize. Don't call her out for abusive language or using profanity. Just play it straight and keep doing what you do. She's escalating and trying to provoke you into reacting so she can use it against you. When it doesn't work, she'll escalate. Let her escalate. Every escalation is a gift to you. Document everything. Download the texts and emails. Download the voicemails. Take notes on the bad pe…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 02:48 PM
2

Her biology is her #1 priority So much this. It's blows my mind that people can't wrap their heads around the fact that at the base of things we're animals driven by biology. It doesn't mean we're slaves to it, but we want those young hotties because we're driven to reproduce. They want older men because we're often well positioned to take care of them while they raise their offspring. The best situation to propagate the species. Everything else is how an individual to react to base animal insti…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 02:04 PM
1

Yeah, keep an eye on all of the online activities. The research on narcissistic bullshit and domestic violence is to find out what it looks like, and paint you with that brush. The online pious behavior is reinforcing a public image that will put her in a good light. Quitting her job from "burn out" is part of the exit strategy to get more spousal support. That phone number? Look at that very closely. A year and a half ago I would think it's paranoid thinking that a woman would go to that extent…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 08:45 AM
2

Winning! I suspect that you and I would agree on a lot of points, but I'd sure as hell have my eye on you. If a person's decision making processes are self-serving, but generally logical and objective I'm usually right there in the mix. It's the people who have narcissistic traits who are vindictive and willing to hurt themselves (consciously or otherwise) to get at others that I tend to get aggressive with.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:51 PM
1

I'm at a 14, but I will admit that self-preservation and practicality drive a lot of my decision making
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:46 PM
1

Ah, I think I put a blanket block. I got tired of getting hit with the hot chick scam chats. I'll check out the link. The rest of it, well, it makes sense, and frankly aren't unreasonable considerations. EDIT: I'm actually quite low on the score. When needed I can "turn off," so to speak, but it's pretty stressful internally to keep that up.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:31 PM
1

Fair answer
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:22 PM
2

Is that narcissism or a willingness to acknowledge the change and respond appropriately? Full disclosure, I'm not terribly different from how you describe from your post, but the only one who has accused me of being a "narcissist" is the ex. High likelihood I'm on the autistic spectrum, though. I'll notice the slightest change in nearly everyone around me, adjust my interactions with them, and cut them out completely if the situation allows for it, but I was almost intentionally blind to the beh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:16 PM
1

I dunno, the "self aware" thing, in my opinion is very good. Lot's of people, not just narcissists have the self-awareness of a rock. At least you know where you stand. It puts you ahead of the curve in being able to decide if it's something you want to address or not, but I agree. Narcissist getting thrown around like candy pisses me off. The one question I'd have is why do you want what's best for your ex? I'd get a great deal of relief for the shit she's tried to pull during the divorce if sh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 04:12 PM
1

Yeah, I have the downtime, I'm getting out and doing stuff, but yeah, I need to stop and reevaluate things. I spent the last 20 years as the only source of income, a wife who refused to work. It was my job, so I was mostly ok with it. Now, she's refusing to work, refusing to mediate, and insisting on going to court assets and alimony that can't possibly justify that expense because she threw me away believes she's entitled to half my income, and 60% of our assets, and is trying to bully me into …
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 07:54 PM
1

I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, my company actively supports it, but the short term disability only covers 60% of salary. I can use PTO to make the balance. No direct impact to my job status or insurance, so that's good. I have to talk with my therapist to get supporting documents because the ex and her lawyer are absolutely going to try to play this as manipulating the case, but I'm just on the edge with this thing. I walked out of the office at noon yesterday with no fucks to give, losing pro…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 07:23 PM
2

perfect thread. I'll read through it. Thanks. I could have written that comment myself, and actually sent something fairly similar to my lawyer yesterday.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 06:24 PM
3

This. All too often these days people want to get involved to help others because it's "the right thing" without realizing that when that's done you're no longer an outsider. You've put yourself right in the middle and that makes you a target. Yeah, it sucks watching a train wreck. It sucks more volunteering to stand on the tracks. If you have to ask if you should do something, 9 out of 10 times the answer is mind your own business.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 08:08 PM
1

This was an eye opening experience for me. Yes, I knew she was capable of these kinds of things. I'd seen them over the years. I was in shock when I finally became the target.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/23 01:00 AM
2

Possibly the most important advice. If you ignore everything else, listen to this: "Don't rock the boat with her job" You do not want an unemployed woman gunning for you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 11:56 PM
2

$20k and counting
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 04:58 PM
1

Believe it or not, the single best thing anyone said to me during the process was when a friend who had been through it before said something like, "I've come to believe that none of us has a single right person in this life." He's been in his current marriage for decades, and still appears to be going strong. No "you deserve better," "she's a bitch," or "I'm sorry for what you're going through." Just a frank statement that it's normal. It happens to half the couples out there. Basically a confi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/23 12:32 AM
9

I ignore it unless I can grab copies for documentation. When I can get documentation I add it to my case file and keep my mouth shut. If it's needed for court, we'll pull it out and use it to attack her credibility. Once the papers are finally signed I'll ignore it in the same way that I do when anyone else shit talks me. Either people will believe it or they won't. There's nothing I can do to change their opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 04:22 PM
1

The best I can say is to stop grieving over the good times. When that happens force yourself to look at the bad times. When you remember what you did wrong force yourself to remember something wrong that she's done. Remember how she hurt you. Remember how you felt during the darkest times with her. Force yourself to get objective perspective. Remember who she became during the divorce process. Get over the idea that you could have fixed things by doing better. Marriage is a partnership. In most …
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 02:54 PM
1

I only got a couple of fairly obvious attempts at trying to provoke me into an action, and some stuff in discovery trying to get me to admit to a pattern of behavior. (over 30 years and I've never been violent with her, though both of us have fairly loud tempers). I don't even want to know about any research or conversations she's had about staging something like that except for the fact that I could use it in court to undermine her credibility.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 01:57 PM
2

Yeah, basically the same my lawyer told me, but we'll see. Where I am there's still the unlikely potential of "until retirement" with a full 50/50 split of assets and my salary because she refuses to work, and has not for over 20 years. Case law appears to be very much in my favor, but we'll see what we see. I'm hoping for a sympathetic judge in just about the most un-courtworthy case ever, but we're still going to court.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 01:41 PM
3

You need to get out.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 02:54 PM
2

Don't do it for the kids. At best you're teaching them how to build dysfunctional relationships, and stay together far beyond the relationship's expiration date. Anecdotal experience, but the one couple I watched doing this, the older kid ended up believing his parents were idiots and the younger kid lived in confusion about what was going on along with severe anxiety about when/if her dad would just disappear one day. Claiming "for the kids" is just being selfish. Yes, kids need a stable home, …
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 02:19 PM
3

Exactly. Maybe there was a connection when this person was invested in your well-being, but that time has passed. Everything has become a political game or a psychout game with the goal of "what's in it for me." Early on I made a couple of mistakes by sharing some minor successes and stresses with her because she had been my partner for multiple decades. Without fail, every single time it was used against me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 02:04 PM
4

My approach is to pretty much view the divorce process in the same way I view work. I'm surrounded by mostly people who are actively out for themselves, will use anything I say to their own benefit, and will take me down at the drop of a hat. It's just part of working in corporate life. Now, it's just part of the relationship with my ex while going through divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 01:49 PM
3

Yes, this does happen. You need a lawyer. Things are all very amicable until you start breaking from what she wants you to do or, for that matter, when she stops doing what you want her to do. In your case your already telling us that she has unpredictable behavior. You need to protect yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 01:39 PM
6

Yes and no. There were problems for a very long time, probably the entire time, but for quite a while she was building a life of her own that didn't include me. Had it not been for covid we likely would have held onto that paper until we died, but living fully separated lives including fully separate homes. I feel like covid broke those plans. For that, I am grateful.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 01:54 PM
5

I would seriously doubt that. Maybe I'm wrong and just projecting my own experience, but after a certain point, it's pretty common for a man to say the word OP is saying, while not expressing the underlying fact that he feels empty, alone, starving for an emotional connection, the need to be desired, and desperate for that one safe place where he can be vulnerable with the one he thought he loved and chose to spend his life with. We get called dogs for wanting sex and weak for expressing what we…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 01:05 PM
3

I know nothing about any of this, just thinking through what makes sense to me. As his legal wife she's probably entitled to half his retirement and all of his death benefits. If it's anything like child support she can probably file for back payments and force the issue. If he hasn't already, he should consult a lawyer and see what the options are. Considering the length of time that they've been separated he may be able to do something to file for divorce and cut her off.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 01:35 PM
3

I'm doing a serious exercise in swallowing my pride, documenting (and pulling evidence wherever it exists) to show just how pathetic of a beaten little dog of a man I was for all those years. I have no idea if I'll be believed in court.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:46 PM
3

Unwise. Don't tell her anything. She will find a way, no matter how ridiculous, to use it against you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 01:51 PM
1

I appreciate this. You get the point. Our communication is great. There have been no arguments about "you don't do enough" or that sort of thing. Between the both of us we have over half a century of being on the receiving end of different kinds of abusive marriages. We know that has caused both of us to develop patterns of behavior that could ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Our goal in seeking therapy before moving into anything more serious is not to solve any existing problems. It's l…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 06:55 AM
7

Mine was just a little different. I'm still trying to get used to the idea that I was the one who was being abused while she convinced me that I was the monster. I became isolated over multiple decades from friends and maintaining a superficial relationship with family. A year into the divorce process and I've only just learned that I still have a support system out there. Maybe I'm lucky, maybe not, but what I will never do again is trust the person trying to convince me that they're the only o…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 05:27 AM
2

Realizing that the reason it's been so easy for her to amplify her worst qualities at point them at me is that for many years, maybe nearly all of them, she's just been hiding the fact that she thinks of me as little more than her source of income.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 05:20 AM
1

Or, and hear me out, she proposes opening the marriage, brings that proposal with a very unattractive ultimatum so you're willing to get onboard, and a few months into the divorce proceedings that she initiated you realize that you got set up on a plan that was in the works for a good couple of years.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 11:30 PM
2

Normally I would agree with you, however that's not what this is about. There are no battles going on. Both of our previous relationships were abusive and that means we're both bringing baggage to the table. As a woman, her's were much more obvious and much more acceptable for her to discuss. Also, this is a discussion we've had about addressing this before we move onto anything more serious. A plan for the future, not today. Mine, well, I'm a man in the US. I'm still coming to terms with the fa…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 11:27 PM
2

I don't disagree with you. I'm trying to stay objective, but of course that's not easy. We've talked about a future, we've talked about some of our more obvious differences that could lead to problems over the long term. One of the things that is giving me confidence, aside from things feeling right, is that we've spoken many times about couples counseling before making major decisions about our future together. Of course, this isn't a perfect solution, but it is a hard line for me. We're both c…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 02:38 PM
1

As long as he's in the equation, there is no difference.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 01:33 PM
15

I was in a dead bedroom. Still in process of divorce because she has been able to push out the trial date. I'm in a relationship that has been going on for quite a while, now. Sex frequency is usually multiple times when we see each other, and quality is beyond amazing. I'm lucky. A lot of people aren't. Whether a new marriage is in the future, only time will tell, but for both of us the mentality is completely different than it ever was with my ex. It's a mutual desire. I don't think it's somet…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 05:08 AM
14

This doesn't work. I put in 30 years. If you stop asking from a woman with no libido she considers a relief that you've finally understood that no sex is "normal."
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 04:51 AM
3

Check with your lawyer. In my case in my location community property ends as of the date of recorded separation.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 01:17 PM
2

Agree. It's not easy. It took me a couple of months to move out and I get the money concerns, but the fact remains that you're still a couple until that physical break is made. Until then the old patterns will stay in tact.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 02:41 AM
2

Yeah, I was 31. I always knew she had a nasty side, but I'm truly shocked at some of the things she's done in this case.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 02:07 AM
7

Through the process of the divorce my ex is very effectively helping me to forget the good times. We were together a very very long time and I keep getting surprised at how low this woman will stoop. There are some recent things that are so low I cannot wrap my head around it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 01:55 AM
2

As long as you're there the power dynamics won't change. She'll still have a strong hand in your decision making, and naturally, you will let her. It will take a while to change even after you're gone. It's even worse that you're surrounded by her family. You will continue to be a couple for as long as this situation lasts. I'm sorry for your situation, but seriously, delay long term buying a place plans. Do something that might feel impulsive. Rent the first place that seems reasonable and get …
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 03:54 PM
1

In my opinion, the best thing that you can do is get out of that house. Try to find a rental. Buy a place whatever you have to do. Get out of there. As long as you're living in the same place, you are not going to be able to separate out the way that she feels.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 03:39 PM
3

Good for you. We try. We do what we can to keep the most important priority at the top of the list... And hope that your ex keeps the kids out of the fight... It can lead to having to make some hard decisions about finding the path of "least harm" that you never ever wanted to face.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 12:37 PM
1

If you don't have to, don't. I get wanting to be fair, but many lawyers offer free consultations. They know the deal. If you work with them they'll make a lot more than a couple hundred on a consultation. It's not cheating them if they offer it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 12:29 PM
3

You will incur debt. I was in the same situation, she controlled the money, had a war chest. I had to borrow from a friend. Do what you have to do and borrow. It's a bad situation that you're going into financially. You're just going to have to accept that and forget about the financial problems for a while. Be as smart as you can, but fight the fight now. If it helps, you are going to lose this money one way or the other. You will lose it to her, or lose it fighting her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 12:24 PM
2

Not so much losing weight, but a lot of physical and "spiritual" self-improvement. It's possible it's for someone else, but given that she's not actually seeing the guy I think it was more of something that she did for herself as she started seeing less of a "we" and more of a "me."
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 06:15 PM
1

I'm 51, she was 54. We were married when I was 19. You can look at my first post here for some details, but in the beginning it was very amicable. We also were supposed to have no surprises, it was discussed. She's steadily gotten worse. I knew she was capable of this kind of behavior but I was completely blindsided by becoming the target of it. I slept on the fold out couch until I couldn't handle living like a guest in the living room, moved to my workout room and slept on the floor for a whil…
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 05:39 PM
1

When you say that she's on her phone all the time but can't be bothered to respond to you that's exactly how it comes across.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/23 05:54 PM
2

This actually sounds a bit like my ex wife talking about my daughter who still lives with her. Ex wants communication, support, whatever. She acts like our daughter owes her attention and time. My daughter (or in your case step daughter) is a teenager and trying to become a stable adult. She's learning her life, her independence. She is your responsibility, you are not hers. Be there when she needs you, be there when she wants to be with you, but otherwise let her live her life. Take care of her…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/23 05:00 PM
4

Yes. Not every divorce is unwarranted.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 03:41 PM
2

I got one of those comments. It was just many such jabs to try to get a reaction out of me... And she was the one who filed.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 01:04 PM
2

Based on my own experience and lawyers advice, modifiable can be a dangerous way to go. If you can lower spousal support when she makes more money, she can potentially increase spousal support if you make more money.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 12:18 AM
2

The only point I was getting at is I feel it's better to cash her out. Who takes the tax hit, or whether there's a way to avoid it all together, I don't know, but I cannot imagine the best option is to stay financially tied to his ex.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 03:11 PM
0

Check with a lawyer, but I think the best thing to do is cash out what she's owed and send her a check. Take the tax hit if you need to. As long as you're overseeing her money you're continuing to be bound to her. If your 401k tanks, you could end up owing her money out of pocket. Not to mention potentially arguing over gains never realized because it didn't keep up with inflation or some shit. If it does well she can argue over which portion of the gains are her's, and now you're back in court.…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 11:07 PM
2

I would imagine that they've used a lot of things like corporate law. You can have control of a great deal of money but if it's owned by a corporation from before the marriage it's not community property
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 01:17 PM
1

Fucking fuck. Which one of us hasn't been called a narcissist? You don't even get extra points anymore if she does it on social media. I was actually half expecting to see one of my ex's videos right there...
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 12:01 AM
2

I wouldn't go. I understand the pull of your daughter. She will be upset but one day she's going to understand why you missed these things especially if she ever knows the truth of why the divorce happened in the first place. Divorce is not ok. Breaking apart families is not ok. Putting yourself into that situation with people who either harmed you or knew about the harm is not ok. Trying to make all of this look ok in front of your daughter is not ok. Think of the long term effects on her if sh…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 11:55 PM
3

DM sent
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 07:59 PM
5

Almost definately nothing to be worried about. Embracing the goddess within, gaining connection with the universe, finding her true self and worth... Do enough looking and I'm sure you're going to find a good number of formerly married men on the wrong end of this shit journey of self-discovery that didn't include their partner. It's not unstable, but it sure as hell ends up an extremely self-centric view of the world.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/23 02:07 AM
1

Yeah, mine did. She managed to push the court date out by 3 months, and negotiations are completely stalled. No idea how it's going to turn out, but as far as I can tell so far, the only thing the disability claim is doing is getting her state support (counseling) on a plan to become employed.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 10:50 PM
3

Don't think of that wall as a bad thing. It's something we all do when we know that someone will use our vulnerability against us. We do it in bad relationships, we do it with untrustworthy coworkers, we do it when we have to deal with used car salesmen. You did it because you know what will happen if you go back. Be vulnerable with the kids, good friends, maybe carefully with one or two of these women if you find out they're worth it, but not her. You know she used it against you before and she…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 10:21 PM
17

"They all start off as being quite 'reasonable'" <-- 100% this. Shortly after she filed she tried to provoke me into being able to file a DV report. She's accused me of financial abuse, of hiding money, of neglecting our daughter, actually stating in court papers that we have a "special needs" child (she's got ADHD/dyscalculia/anxiety all of which she inherited from me so I guess I'm "special needs" too), trashed me on social media and to my parents, accused me of cheating... they turn into a pe…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 10:08 PM
2

You can use whatever money you have to hire an attorney because it's almost certainly considered community property, but get out. You have some similarities to mine, most notably not working and controlling money while I was being accused of controlling money, and a lack of intimacy. This isn't a phase, and you don't want to "try to do the right thing" and end up wasting a few more decades. Maybe you want to take a softer approach and try for marriage counseling, but if that fails, run.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 09:01 PM
1

Mine used kicking me out as an excuse to get a new bed and out of the "kindness of her heart" I got to keep the old one lol. But seriously, you can get a quite good "mattress in a box" off of Amazon pretty inexpensive, and a frame for it for even less. Do it ASAP. I spent a couple of months sleeping on an air mattress in the house, and another couple before I got a bed in my apartment when I moved out. It's emotionally draining to live that way. It's probably the best possible thing you can do f…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 08:51 PM
1

If you go with the parallel lives thing, make sure that everything is above board and both parties are fully aware of the plan. Full communication has to be there. For quite a while my ex was building that plan all on her own without bringing me fully into the picture. I finally caught on when she proposed a situation that came with an ultimatum (long story, but I got onboard because the alternative was officially living the rest of my life celibate) and amounted to me having a mistress on the s…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 08:39 PM
1

I'd rather live alone. I was with her for 31 years. It wasn't all bad, but it was never great. The last few years she went into a phase of "self discovery" and I wasn't a part of that journey. Very little intimacy in the early days, and virtually none for as long as I can remember. It got to be a normal life for both of us. Not happy, frequently fighting, and just getting by. I'm just a little over a year into the divorce that she's insisting on dragging out. I spent a great deal of time beating…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 08:32 PM
1

That's a good question, and too many reasons including a very long history of her controlling finances. No order, but she doesn't work and my daughter lives with her... All of this nonsense is about trying to avoid working.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 03:45 PM
1

That's where I am. I was trying to avoid court due to costs, but now because of the delay that's no longer a concern. I'm living with about $200 buffer on a good month and calling everything else temporary alimony, which I think will work poorly for her in court as she keeps accusing me of financial abuse while she's taking the bulk of my paycheck. I'll go into mediation if they come in at a reasonable starting point, but otherwise I'll just wait for the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 03:02 PM
1

31 years
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:23 PM
1

Except for the education, that's nearly my situation. The student loans are mine and I'll be retiring with those, too. I'm waiting on the cost and details around the evaluation and hope that it's worth the gamble.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 04:34 PM
5

One of the partners in the firm dealt with a case very similar to mine. Long term marriage, wife refused to work, and hadn't for most of the marriage. They were successful in the end, but had to get a court order to pay for an assessment of employability. Otherwise, the court will attempt to create an equitable income. This would have been a different story if we split at 20 years rather than 30.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 12:20 PM
1

Unfortunately that's not true
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 12:14 PM
3

On the one hand, it sounds reasonable. On the other, she's taking the house that doubled as my retirement plan.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:25 AM
6

After 30 years I'm less hopeful. I'm going to have to pay to prove she's capable of working.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:24 AM
12

Yeah, and how many first timers will still say it'll never happen to us.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:23 AM
3

We have to regroup next week. I was confused, my lawyer was confused, the mediator had a good poker face, but he seemed confused. WA.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:21 AM
2

I will retire last, and I'm hoping I can pull off 40%. We were assigned a judge when she filed in September, and although my lawyer disagrees the judge (new to the bench) strikes me as someone who might be sympathetic to a single mother who doesn't want to work. I'm not giving up, but I do have some serious work to do.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 07:19 AM
3

No way I'll get out of alimony clean. It's just not going to happen. Worse, I could be looking at possible 17 years. I may have some moves, but it's going to cost a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 02:33 AM
6

Trying to prove that she's capable of working is next on the list. I have a good lawyer, and we were baffled by what happened. There's not a hard cap here, but it looks like it may come down, at least in part, of proving her ability to go to work. Currently she isn't and is claiming she can't.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 02:29 AM
9

It looks like in my state, at least, in long term marriage the courts often try to make sure that both parties get equitable income and often try to grant maintenance support until both parties are dead or retired.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 02:23 AM
1

That last bullet point... I learned that I was uninvited from the vacation to visit family out of state when I overheard her talking to her sister on the phone while I was grilling steaks for Sunday dinner. It was about a week or so after that she told me about the change of plans. The kicker? The party was at my parents house.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/23 07:31 AM
1

This cuts too close to the bone. She says I owe her because of that. I wrecked my motorcycle, broke my leg and couldn't walk for nearly a year and she compares her suffering of having to drive me around to PT, work, and Dr visits to my suffering from the injury. Same story with two shoulder surgeries. And I still feel like somehow I could have made things better if I'd just tried harder. It's an incredible mind fuck.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/23 07:20 AM
3

It passes. I was 30 years, she filed. I felt broken and guilty living in another room for 2 months. I moved out about a month before Thanksgiving, the guilt started to fade really during my first Christmas alone as I started to realize that somehow the holiday wasn't actually all that different from what it had been for several years. It's still there, but getting more quiet as I realize that I haven't been happy in more years than I can remember. I hope it eventually goes away, but it will take…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/23 07:11 AM
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