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PooferLlama Archive

View 1 posts and 69 comments by PooferLlama on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
8

Success StoriesPooferLlama/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 05:47 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

I can give you some advice to help you reconcile. I've helped people reconcile despite divorce/affairs. Let me know if that's of interest to you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 06:30 PM
1

Yeah.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 01:15 PM
4

While my wife didn't cheat on me, she did divorce me. Hopefully, my experiences still carry some weight to it. I do remember feeling rather directionless and feeling like I was just passing time. I spent a lot of time being very busy but, deep down, I felt pretty empty. I did need to make bigger changes. But, it took me some time to figure out just what those changes were. In my case, I recognized that what I was doing was not actually the things that brought me contentment. I was just doing thi…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 01:58 AM
3

Since you are questioning whether it's abusive (and not secure in your evaluation of it), then here's what I will say. At the very least, this is a very unhealthy relationship and change needs to happen. Abuse, in any form, is never okay. If she's not going to change her behavior, then you focus on what you can control: yourself. She may be trying to paint an ugly narrative about you and it may feel like she's succeeding in the short-term. In my experience, while people might believe that initia…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 06:07 PM
1

Okay, so you don't want a divorce. Do you want advice on how to repair your relationship despite the affair/divorce/etc? Or, would you like me to leave you to it?
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 06:56 PM
2

So, just to be clear, you want to get divorced? Is that right? If so, then seek out a lawyer and follow their legal advice. I imagine they would recommend minimizing interactions with your spouse beyond anything "business". For anything emotional, you can seek out a therapist to assist.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 04:43 PM
1

I am not sure how to move forward. Depends on what you want, to be honest. Do you want to repair your relationship or do you want to divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 03:52 PM
1

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? You got your whole future ahead of you. So, what do you want for your life? I can't answer that for you. In my own life, I've wanted to reconcile with my partner despite divorce. These days, her and I are best friends again and living together as roommates. I'm quite happy. While we aren't a couple by any means, our relationship is 1000x healthier and more mature. It's been genuinely fun and meaningful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:42 AM
-1

Is this relationship salvageable at all? Yes. That's only if you can understand how to create an environment where safety and trust blossoms. How do I even begin to think straight and make sense of this situation? Focus on what you can control to help you think straight. To make sense of the situation, focus on trying to understand her motivations in doing things. You can just ask her why she had an affair in the first place. Prepare to take a ego hit. Perhaps, you can learn of some ways you con…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 01:33 AM
1

I apologize, I didn't pay attention you were making this post as a rant and not seeking advice.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 04:50 PM
1

I'll try to give you ideas in regards to finding things within your control. both of those cost money and right now Work towards making money besides just waiting for the house to sell. Hoping isn't an effective strategy to getting things done. Keep searching for things you can do that will help you in the long-run. If you feel your emotions are out of control, then learning some emotional regulation tools will help you control them. Therapy is amazing for that, particularly CBT/DBT to help you …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 12:28 AM
2

My guy, I'm worried about you. Focusing on things outside of our control will drive us insane. There is NOTHING we can do about it (and more often than not leads us to do very unhealthy things to try to cope). Hating her, wanting to die, going crazy, whatever else you do today will literally make ZERO difference. But, what you do today will have an impact on the future. That's why I strongly recommend you focus on what is inside your control, that's where you can make a real difference in shapin…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 10:24 PM
2

I just can't digest how everything changed overnight That confusion is understandable. What were her reasons for leaving you and how could you have contributed to her wanting to leave you? If you can learn what your potential flaws are, then you've got something to work on within yourself. I bet there's something deeper in this statement here that you could perhaps dig into: it feels like she spent that entire year deciding divorce was the answer What problem does she solve by leaving you? I ask…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 03:32 AM
0

Alright, well since it's not 100% clear to me that you want to reconcile with her, I will leave you to it. It seems like you are in good hands with a support network that will help you process your emotions. I have helped people reconcile despite divorce/affairs/etc. If that interests you, then feel free to let me know.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 06:54 PM
0

Idk how to else to put this... I've noticed you have a tendency to vent when presented with a question. Like, I get it, things are really painful to say the least. I'm trying to help you out of that pain and help you move towards obtaining your deepest desires in relationships. But, if you keep venting, then it makes it very difficult for me to assist in you in a way that is supremely time-efficient for you. now I just want to grieve all that could have been Okay, so just to verify, you want to …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 03:28 PM
0

Sure, it's over for real as you say. But, that still doesn't answer the question. What do you want?
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 05:57 PM
2

Has anyone been blindsided like this after a period apart? Is there any coming back from "I haven't been attracted to you in a long time"? Yes. Yes, but that heavily depends upon whether you can give her a sense of safety/trust/love in your relationship at a level that's amazing to her. Do I try to make this work in Spain, or take the kids home? Bigger question is, what do you want for your future? Do you want to save your marriage despite what's happened?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 03:48 AM
1

First off, I want to thank you for being so open about this and digging deeper. The more you do this, the more you can uncover not only wtf is really going on but also what you can do about it to make things better in the long-term. she apparently felt like she was a mother to me, when I always tried to make her feel like she wasn’t. Oooo, I heard that too when I was getting divorced. One, can you understand why someone would not feel attracted to someone they feel like they have to "parent"? Wh…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:53 PM
1

The reason I say the switch felt like a blindside... I get it. I've been blindsided by divorce. We can search for a million reasons why things make sense there...but it didn't really get me anywhere except more confused. I'm trying to save you time, energy, stress, and confusion to help you figure things out fast. I figure time is of the essence to you here. So, back to what you were saying about yourself. Me putting work first, getting deployed, letting my anger and depression get to me the pas…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:45 PM
1

Okay, so since you are all about understanding and taking accountability, let's see what we can glean from her statements: she has zero respect for me, and wants nothing to do with me Those are pretty powerful statements. Understandable she'd want to seek out someone else, no? In the spirit of accountability, what could you have done that would contribute to her feeling that way? I just don’t understand how she flipped a switch overnight. Could it be the Lexapro mixed with the alcohol? Could it …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:31 PM
1

I never understood the, “she’s been out of love with me for years.” Yup, things don't make sense. So, specifically try to understand why she should do what she did and is doing. Just work with her on it. The sudden flip is uncharacteristic for sure. Based on what you've stated before, I am genuinely concerned she was sexually assaulted and is suffering the psychological damage from that and more. I'd go with that assumption first. After all, what if I condemn an innocent person (especially someo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:23 PM
1

She was forcibly kissed and dry humped from what her sister told me. So, she didn't give consent. I would be genuinely very concerned about her well-being here. Apparently my wife enjoyed it though Literally does not matter. Many victims of sexual assault also report "feeling pleasure" but it's just nerves talking. In the same way, someone could force you to do heroin and you'd likely enjoy the high to some level. It doesn't mean you wanted it though. Getting hooked on heroin after the fact woul…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:20 PM
1

Is this probably just done and I need to just accept it, or is there anything that I can do to maybe repair things? There's always something you can do to repair things. But, it takes a lot of hard work over a long time. To start off, why is she leaving you? What sort of mistakes did you make in the marriage that could drive her to divorce you?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 02:57 AM
1

Do cheaters ever come back? Does she even seem manic or mentally unwell from what little I’ve stated? Is there any way for reconciliation at this point? Yes. Yes. Yes. Reconciliation is definitely possible, provided you can create a loving environment chock full of understanding, growth, and more. Ya know, the ingredients of a happy healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime. Often times, us men can fixate on the "cheating" being the death sentence of the relationship. It's the obvious thing, but it…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 02:53 AM
1

Am just I overthinking? Am I just nitpicking here? It's a sensible conclusion based on what you've detailed here. If there's nothing you can do to improve things, then getting into another relationship just presents immense risk. I get it. Given that, what do you wanna do now? What do you want for your future?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 01:00 AM
–

Hmm, interesting... Just as a heads up, before I make decisions about whether I stay or go, I try to understand the other party's perspective as much as possible. Until I can deeply empathize with the perspective (does not require agreement), I'm not comfortable making decisions. I do that so that my decision making is well-informed. In the spirit of that, I'm curious as to why she feels the need to distance herself from you so strongly. What is she protecting herself from?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 06:42 PM
1

I guess, what is your criteria for determining whether to try to save it? I ask because I notice that, more often than not, that people give up too prematurely when the relationship could've actually been saved. And, even if the relationship can't or shouldn't be saved, I try to help people understand what they can do going forward so that future relationships are incredibly fulfilling for them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 06:10 PM
1

Seems like you want to save your family no matter what. I'll do what I can to help! how do i keep my sanity, cure and rebuild myself, and also be fair towards her and helping all of us? Fortunately, this isn't mutually exclusive. Working on yourself, getting help through therapy, and growing self-esteem all translate towards how you show up in your relationship. It can help you detach from the present painful consequences you're facing and start investing a better tomorrow. For your emotional st…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 05:38 PM
1

I should've probably asked whether you want to try to save your marriage. If you do, then I can give advice in that direction that has worked for me and others I've helped despite their partners being completely checked out (and more). If not, and you want to go the divorce route, then I'm sure many others can point you in the direction for that. I'm not qualified to give legal advice. Let me know.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 05:17 PM
1

Whenever you do something "bad", is it because you're a fucked up person or because you have some sort of reasoning behind it that feels right to you? You say my suggestions are unsustainable in the long term. So, I'm guessing you have a track record of helping people reconcile and understand the process behind that as well?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 12:54 PM
1

By chance, have you helped revive a dead marriage before?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 12:49 PM
1

Alright, she's bi. But, what would make her want to seek out someone else in the first place? What is she lacking in the marriage? You mentioned things were rocky for 3 whole years. What were her grievances with you? Counseling is certainly a good start. What specific things have you learned and practiced to improve things?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 04:43 AM
2

Tips to save your marriage? Happy to help. Biggest question I'm wondering is why is your wife interested in someone else? Another question I have is how you have been trying to save things?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 03:59 AM
1

I'm in agreement about it not being the "job" as much as what it represents emotionally in the long-term. Obviously, gotta make enough money to handle basic needs. I'm gonna guess and say that even if you had a super money job today that it wouldn't change her mind all that much. OP, what's interesting to me is what you mentioned here: The reasons she gave were communication issues, compatibility issues, and feeling unstable with my career situation. People go through job loss all the time, it's…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 03:57 AM
2

What do you want advice for? Saving your marriage? "Winning" a divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 03:39 AM
1

I got blindsided by divorce about 4 years ago. My ex-wife and I are now best friends again and have been rebuilding trust/safety over time. Our relationship quality today is 100x more honest/mature/happy than it was when we were married. More details surrounding it all. My question to you is, what do you want? Do you want to divorce? Do you want to reconcile? If you want to reconcile, then I can help.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 04:37 AM
-2

I guess the biggest thing I notice is a fundamental lack of emotional intimacy with your wife. Sure, sex is dead and that's to be expected if there is no emotional safety/trust between you two. I'd say focus on building up emotional safety/trust. Get to know your wife, be invested in her life, her heart/etc, Second, we do nothing we both like. She only wants to do what she's interested in, and just dismisses my activities. She's not bad about it, she just pulls the "I'm tired" card over and over…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 04:31 AM
2

Dread game is inherently manipulative, wtf. Men gotta be better than that. When she sees other women looking you up and down a switch will flip. Or she could just not find that a "threat" whatsoever and just move on happily. So, not only is dread game a terrible thing to do, but it's also quite futile.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 04:21 AM
1

What's your point? I did do awful things and it caused serious damage to her. For example, when my wife needed to go the ER, I continued playing video games because I didn't think what she dealing with was that serious. I thought waiting out her symptoms would be fine. I treated her as if she was being "too much". That's one fucked up thing I did of many. When she brought it up to me, I justified myself and dismissed her. So yeah, super crummy to say the least.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 01:15 PM
1

Okay, so what do you blame yourself for? Is there something tangible you could start working on? Or, are you just beating yourself up? Something else?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 01:11 PM
1

How is my post ChatGPT? I spent time writing this all on my own. I absolutely detest using LLMs. Since you're so convinced, where's your proof?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 01:09 PM
1

I noticed your questions and I saw a lot of potential flip-flopping possible for your emotional states. So, I'm gonna steer this in a different direction to help you find some certainty in what you will do a bit faster. I guess the biggest question I have in my mind is what do you really want in your heart of hearts? Based on your post, it seems like you want to reconcile with your wife (even though that outcome seems impossible right now and, more importantly, for the future). If that's the cas…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 03:05 PM
1

One thing that can also help OP, or anyone reading else this, when it comes to affairs is to understand why it happened (from the other person's perspective). The knee-jerk response is to blame the person having the affair as a cheater/etc. However, there isn't anything to be gained that way besides a temporary high of feeling "right". I personally recommend people ask themselves the harder/crazier question of "how did I contribute to the other person wanting an affair in the first place"? In ot…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 02:48 PM
8

Gonna point out something in your post I think you're glossing over. It hurt when she responded with a simple “ok.” She gave you exactly what you asked for. She respected your boundary in that moment. No huss, no fuss. Next time, I'd recommend being more direct about what you're actually looking for from her whether it's empathy/acknowledgement. Neither of you can read each other's minds. The only way to get even close to doing that is be to be very close/connected...which is obviously not the c…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 11:10 PM
2

How do I Become ok with Myself? Becoming someone you would genuinely feel happy to be. I've had the same feelings about being fundamentally fucked up and unworthy of love. A lot of the times, like yourself, I based a good chunk of it on things I could never change about myself. Feeling rejected over that crushed my soul and I felt broken. Talk about despair... I'll cut to the chase here and try to help you understand what you can do so that you can find some peace and come out the other side lik…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 03:43 PM
1

Yes, it can work and there is hope but it will require a lot of change on your part over a long period of time. In other words, it's going to take hard honest work. Otherwise, as other comments have said, it's over and there's no point. First things first, I'm happy to see you're acknowledging your shortcomings. That's a good start! Keep focusing and working on those regardless of what she does. he listens to her and actually sees her That is a big thing you were missing and I'm glad to see you'…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 03:29 PM
1

Honestly, just anytime I knew that I was doing something in the present that could create long-term peace/happiness. Like with the money thing, "how do I know I'm getting richer and not being as poor as before?" Just anytime we put more money into our bank accounts and our bank account statements reflect growth.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 05:17 PM
-1

u/koskesh122 Wait wait wait, actually hold up. Let me get this straight... By your reasoning, I'm a fraud. And, even if I'm not a fraud (because I might be a rare case), it doesn't matter anyway. So, either way, my take doesn't matter, is that right? So, I'm just being dismissed outright regardless of the validity of my story?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 05:08 PM
2

That's nice to hear! Hating our exes does us no good, and certainly ain't doing shit for a friendship.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 05:04 PM
1

Honestly, I don't remember the exact "moment" I felt that way. It's been mostly a process of increasing peace and happiness over time. It's kind of like saying "hey I'm rich now" where that exact sentiment is largely dependent on the individual. Sure, a billion dollars is rich, but a million is still pretty rich to some people. It's all relative, I guess? It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly because I was dealing with a lot of other traumas at the same that really broke me down. With her specifi…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 05:03 PM
1

What makes you think my post is AI slop?
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 04:56 PM
1

I personally encourage people to not focus on their partner's behavior and focus more on their own. Whenever I focused on my ex's "bad behaviors", I'd not only grow resentful but I'd generally feel crappier over time. And, because I was doing a lot of toxic crap unknowingly, I was making things even worse. It was a vicious cycle for sure. When it came to lying, rather than condemning her for being a liar, I tried to understand why she would lie in the first place. When I understood why she was l…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 04:56 PM
1

You are more than welcome to doubt me and the authenticity of my story. I'm not going to try to change your mind. Best of luck to you in your life and relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 02:43 AM
2

It's hard to be understanding in the beginning when we carry so much resentment/anger towards our spouses for the hurt they gave us. Interestingly enough, when I learned to practice being understanding anyway, I got to also understand what the real problems were between her and I. Ironically, it made everything so much easier to repair in the long-term. I also got to dissolve so many insecurities I had about the marriage too. It's hard to put in words, but it changed everything for me and just c…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:49 PM
3

That sucks that she was able to control your emotions to the point where it seems like you lashed out. I hope you're able to separate your identity from her and become your own man who is in control of his own emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:44 PM
1

You don't want peace and happiness in your relationship with your ex-wife? That sounds pretty depressing. Hope things get better for you in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:43 PM
0

I can't wait to see what great things I'll experience in a few years. It's already gone beyond my wildest expectations in ways that I have trouble articulating. I would certainly love to get a few more years of higher levels of satisfaction/peace/happiness/success!
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:40 PM
-1

Oh man, if living my best life with more success that I could've possibly imagined is me having Stockholm Syndrome, then I guess I have Stockholm Syndrome.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:39 PM
1

Thanks for the support! I learned to focus on creating the positive within myself and to radiate that to others. It's very heartwarming and very fun to help uplift others. Those who like that resonate with me incredibly easily. Those who feel threatened by that in some capacity tend to try to shut me down. And, I don't get along with them either. Becoming more emotionally mature/secure by the day has really transformed my life beyond just my relationship with my ex-wife, it's really helped with …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 11:37 PM
3

I remember feeling abandoned at times when she was not emotionally supportive to me. I remember being reminded of some childhood abuse I experienced. There are a lot of moments where I felt incredibly hurt by her. But, looking back, my feelings were not an accurate reflection of reality. Truthfully, I projected and displaced much of my trauma onto her. I also did not recognize how I was contributing to her natural responses to my emotional abuse. I considered myself victim many a time when it wa…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 07:54 PM
3

I was emotionally abusive, by my own standards. I violated my own values/beliefs. What part of that communicates I "bought into her narrative and took too much blame on [myself]"?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 06:31 PM
1

Becoming fiscally/financially responsible will certainly help make things better with your wife/kids. I imagine a lot of the skills you'll learn along the way will greatly improve things too. As for your ADHD, definitely get started on treatment. And, if it's not helping you enough, then definitely look for options that can help you get the results you're looking for. I have many ADD-type symptoms such as short-term memory loss, short attention span, inability to plan/manage time well, it's no f…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 05:24 PM
0

I'll aim to keep giving you pointers to help. If you don't want them, then just say so and I'll stop. "I'm working on fixing those things within myself but it takes time. In the meantime it really hurts when it feels like your whole family is leaving you behind." Understandable. That's why I encourage you to invest in the future so the happiness can eventually return despite these dark times. "she has valid reasons for feeling the way she does. I'm just trying to figure what to do next" What are…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 03:40 AM
0

I'll give you advice that's meant to address more long-term concerns rather than the immediate short-term divorce ones. Dealing with the long-term stuff immediately will cascade into the short-term sooner than you may think. To that end, I'm going to highlight a few things that you've been doing that have made things worse. Rectify those, focus on what's in your control, and you'll be in much better shape :) --- "That actually made me feel more resentful because it showed me she could make sex a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 12:54 AM
0

I'm guessing she cited some reasons as to why she wanted to divorce you. You mentioned there was hurt on both sides. How did you hurt her?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 12:36 AM
1

Bro, you're statement here reeks of misogyny. Not cool.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 11:59 PM
8

I'm gonna say stuff in a slightly different direction to prevent you getting into a trap I've seen all too many men fall into and just develop resentment for their exes while sabotaging their own future. So, I'm just going to be straight up with you. "Has anyone experienced this situation where you didn’t necessarily want your ex back, but still felt devastated that they had moved on before you did?" Many other people have been in relatable positions. "How did you stop comparing your healing tim…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 10:50 PM
1

"How long is it reasonable to stay in this kind of limbo?" It becomes immaterial if you focus on just becoming a better person who is safe/understanding/loving/caring/gentle/etc. regardless of the outcome of marriage/divorce. It becomes unbearable if your feelings depend entirely on her behavior/feelings. "At what point does “I don’t know” become unfair to the spouse who is trying?" Assuming your ability to make her feel understood is absolutely top notch, then maybe 2 years of her not being mor…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 04:57 AM
1

When I got divorced, my health was incredibly low. I had incredibly low self-esteem and my physical health was quite rubbish to say the least. I've since been recovering and am far healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. Each time to go to my doctor for an annual physical, I have so far been told that I just keep getting better and better. All things considered, I'm actually pretty happy and feeling pretty peaceful. There's still significant room for improvement and that means there's…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 04:18 AM
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